Miscellaneous: Today, my driver's-side door was so frozen that the locking mechanism...

By Staying Home Today - 04/03/2014 12:25 - United States - Severn

Today, my driver's-side door was so frozen that the locking mechanism wouldn't move. My passenger-side door's lock worked, but the door itself wouldn't budge. The door handle on the other hand, budged quite well. It budged right off its hinges. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 896

You deserved it 3 768

Miscellaneous

Batman

These people never learn

Get out, now

By juggalomurderer59 - 12/11/2014 16:00 - United States

Today, at the gym, some muscle head idiot started yelling at the treadmill for not going fast enough, and I muttered "roid rage". Apparently said roids give him superhuman hearing, because he heard me from the other side of the room, and threatened to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 709

You deserved it 9 493

By CantPublish - 12/04/2012 17:54 - United States - Modesto

Today, my wife and I decided to try role-playing. I started cleaning the pool. waiting for her to come out and be sexy, but she never did. I'd cleaned the entire pool before going into the house to ask why she never came out. She said she tricked me into cleaning the pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 943

You deserved it 21 790

By Anonymous - 04/03/2014 04:12 - United States - Woodland

Today, my mom left the house in the morning, leaving me alone. I called and I got no answer. Hours later, she finally answers one of my calls and tells me that she'd been in an AA meeting all this time. Happy, I tell her to come home. She came home drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 099

You deserved it 3 189

By ash - 14/01/2011 18:22 - United States

Today, after staying up all night at my friend's house, I woke up to something I couldn't identify on my cheek, so I slapped it away. When I heard crying, I opened my eyes and realized it was my friend's three year old sister who was trying to be sweet by kissing me on the cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 093

You deserved it 16 108

By Anonymous - 12/05/2019 00:00

Today, my anxiety has been so bad, I have had vivid dreams of my boyfriend of 6 months cheating on me. This is not the first time these dreams have happened, and I know for a fact he is not cheating. My anxiety is going to turn me into the crazy girlfriend from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 858

You deserved it 294

By Sidney - 05/11/2011 01:21 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, meeting his family for the first time. I was leaning against him when he reached around, grabbed my boobs, and started making "pew-pew" laser noises, all in front of his family. I can't believe I'm dating this child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 493

You deserved it 15 680

By Anonymous - 21/05/2019 00:00

Today, I slipped and gashed my head bad enough that my head had to be shaved to be sewn up. Right after it had finished growing back from chemotherapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 940

You deserved it 115

TFI Friday

By Anonymous - 24/05/2019 16:00

Today, I started a new job. The hours are long, but I didn't mind as I could REALLY use the overtime. Turns out, they don't pay over time. I'm just expected to go "above and beyond for the company." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 449

You deserved it 239

By Anonymous - 01/03/2015 19:03 - United States - Springfield

Today, my sister came out of the closet. By which I mean she came out as the pregnant mother of my boyfriend's child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 779

You deserved it 3 008

By mycedes - 26/10/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, was the last day of the prank war between me and my husband. I told him the last prank needed to be the best one. I took a shower and tried to think up my last prank. When I got out of the shower, my hair was green. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 522

You deserved it 38 039

By matiasbarbero - 16/02/2010 17:56 - United States

Today, a black cat crossed in front of my truck and I thought to myself that it was funny people believe black cats bring bad luck. Not even two minutes later, I drove my truck into a ditch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 302

You deserved it 10 764

First time

By Anonymous - 13/03/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, I had sex for the first time. I realised that I was more satisfied by last night's dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 040

You deserved it 207

By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 13:05 - United States

Today, for the first time, a good looking guy was in my yoga class. Today also marked the first time I farted during yoga class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 744

You deserved it 5 571

By Anonymous - 07/09/2013 22:22 - Australia - Padstow

Today, my friend asked if she could come over to my place. Since it's my birthday tomorrow, I said sure. Turns out she just wants to copy all my notes for our upcoming exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 488

You deserved it 3 878

WORRIED

By Katy Avada_80203913 - 20/11/2021 11:00

Today, I was woken up at 11:30 am by my mother standing over my bed, screaming at me. I'm 30 years-old, married, and do not live with her. She broke into my house because I didn't answer my phone, because I'm sick and on prescription sleep meds. WTF? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 159

You deserved it 72

By MommaAnnie - 02/05/2013 15:59 - United States - Overland Park

Today, I learned my husband has what he calls "grumpy wife sex" specifically to cheer me up. I don't know if I'm more annoyed that he casually mentioned it after we've been together for 10 years, or that it actually works. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 569

You deserved it 14 750

Sobering

By Imnotfromhere - 13/06/2021 16:01

Today, I went to a bar to celebrate my 26th birthday. I got ripped off by the bartender all night because she secretly gave me non-alcoholic versions of my drinks. Apparently I look like I'm 16, so she thought my ID was fake. Happy birthday to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 931

You deserved it 162

By Pushover - 13/02/2010 03:30 - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend of 8 years cheating on me. I punched him in the face, he broke up with me. And I still had to cook him an entire turkey dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 632

You deserved it 40 612

Forgetful

By Superdumb - 26/11/2018 03:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about sex and I asked him if he had ever finished inside a woman. He looked directly into my eyes and said, "Babe... I have a son, remember?" Yeah, I forgot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 742

You deserved it 5 267

By Anonymous - 28/02/2017 14:00 - United States - Troy

Today, my parents finally fulfilled my wish of a pet that I could take care of for a few years. They got a parrot. I guess 75 years or more is a few years to my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 782

You deserved it 1 305

By Anonymous - 20/12/2015 08:25

Today, my now ex-fiancée confessed that "our" child is most likely actually hers and my father's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 796

You deserved it 1 650

By tryingnottocare - 06/08/2009 20:01 - United Kingdom

Today, after being supportive for nearly a year, my brother finally came out of the closet and introduced the family to his new boyfriend. His new boyfriend happens to be my ex-boyfriend. Guess I know why that didn't work out now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 323

You deserved it 4 573

Caught!

By Anonymous - 13/04/2021 02:00

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me, thanks to a friend's TikTok account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 887

You deserved it 65

By WamBamSam - 21/11/2012 09:54 - United Kingdom - Kidderminster

Today, whilst at a red light in my car, a homeless man with a spray bottle and a dirty rag came over to clean my windows. He started with the driver's window, which was wide open, and whatever was in his spray bottle smelled suspiciously like urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 986

You deserved it 2 332

Tell us more

By Amber - 02/01/2021 02:01

Today, after five years of being with my boyfriend, I found out that he is apparently very xenophobic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 706

You deserved it 187

Dad joke number 287474

By HunkyFez - 28/08/2020 08:06 - Australia

Today, my dad offered to make me lunch as it was my first day at a new school. Today was also the day I had to eat a penis-shaped sandwich in front of my new peers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 652

You deserved it 227

By Anonymous - 29/12/2010 16:30 - Sweden

Today, I saw a girl on the subway that I knew so I started waving frantically. She gave me a really weird expression and moved quickly away from me. Then I realised that I only knew her because I had stalked her Facebook once. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 884

You deserved it 54 097

By Anonymous - 24/09/2010 17:06 - Canada

Today, while waiting on the platform, a blind man asked out loud for some help getting into the subway car. I helped him through the doors and into a seat. I decided to sit down as well. Twenty minutes later, I realized I was on the wrong subway line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 651

You deserved it 6 895

Well?

By Johntheladdo - 29/03/2011 17:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I heard the four most dreaded words known to man during my first time: "Is it in yet?" It was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 189

You deserved it 10 464

By alice - 14/02/2011 01:18 - United Kingdom

Today, on the bus, water kept dripping on my head so I stood up to move. As I got up, the bus turned round a corner and I fell over into a man's lap. When I tried to get up, I slipped down between his legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 246

You deserved it 3 541

By unwanted daughter - 02/07/2014 15:54 - Canada - Oliver

Today, I overheard my mother talking to her friend, and using me as an example of how it's sometimes best to swallow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 089

You deserved it 5 828

By broke - 09/07/2016 07:36

Today, just like the past 2 weeks, I'm so broke that I only got to eat dinner because I went on a first date with a guy from Tinder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 383

You deserved it 2 662

By FMLer - 27/05/2011 20:57 - United States

Today, I found out that since I stopped shaving my legs, my boyfriend and his friends have started referring to me as a Wookiee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 356

You deserved it 62 776

By drew - 18/12/2010 20:22 - United States

Today, I was run over by my own car as I tried to push it out of a snowbank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 388

You deserved it 4 978

By omgstfuplz - 16/09/2009 08:38 - United States

Today, I was arguing with one of my professors. She said that all married couples fight and I told her that my parents have never argued or fought about anything. When I got home my parents told me that they're getting a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 941

You deserved it 13 412

By anonymous - 20/07/2015 01:23 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, for some reason entirely beyond my knowledge, Siri referred to me as "Sugartits". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 087

You deserved it 3 409

All that time I'm never getting back

By Anonymous - 09/10/2020 11:02 - United States - York

Today, I ended up being wasting an entire week on a very important scholarship essay because I thought the requirements said “3500 words” when in reality, they said “3500 characters”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 657

You deserved it 854

By DontGetSlapped - 18/02/2013 00:24 - United States - Conway

Today, my mom called me a "heartless bitch" for eating the last Hot Pocket. This is coming from a woman who, just last week, faked having cancer to get out of a speeding ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 431

You deserved it 2 506

By abbshows - 29/08/2014 18:54 - United States

Today, it was my great aunt's funeral. We all had to wait two hours for the service to begin, because they forgot to dig the grave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 493

You deserved it 2 721

By sucks at sucking - 15/12/2012 00:27 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 726

You deserved it 9 177

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Michael903 18

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 16:55

I think you are referring to a lighter (U.S. term). When you said torch, an acetylene welding torch popped into my head...

arrowhead790 6

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 16:46

To thaw the locking mechanism you can use a torch to heat up your key and then put that in the lock

bigwiensch 15

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 16:43

great odens raven!

BirdieCurls 25

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 16:46

I wonder how old OP's car is. EDIT: I don't know why this came up as a reply to 1, it won't let me change it.

Narwhal23 10

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 21:50

Do people just not get this? Come on people

Rooters24 8

Send a private message

Thursday 6 March 2014 0:40

put some hand sanitizer on your key, then put it in the lock. It will melt through the ice.

arrowhead790 6

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 16:46

To thaw the locking mechanism you can use a torch to heat up your key and then put that in the lock

Michael903 18

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 16:55

I think you are referring to a lighter (U.S. term). When you said torch, an acetylene welding torch popped into my head...

123amanda123 14

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 16:58

Just don't melt the key or else you now have 2 problems!!

\ 28

Tuesday 4 March 2014 17:05

The US and European meanings of the word "torch" are literally worlds apart.

DrownedMyFish 18

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 17:35

It's a good thing you cleared that up, 11. When he said torch, I pictured OP holding his key over a fire on a stick of wood.

arrowhead790 6

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 18:30

I meant one of those cheap propane torches you can buy at Walmart. But a lighter will work as well, it'll just take longer.

knight2109 12

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 22:45

see two things came to mind for me, a stick with a flammable substance on top and a flashlight.

hunteredmundson 17

Send a private message

Saturday 22 November 2014 19:45

Or just remote start the car to warm it up

asnakelovinbabe 16

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 16:46

Do you wanna build a snowman?

Queen_bee1234 21

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 16:55

Am I the only one who finds that song annoying as fuck? Not to mention how overrated the movie is.

FML_Elle 17

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 18:34

I like the song, but I'm so tired of hearing about the movie. It wasn't that great! It seemed like Disney ripped off Wicked.

asnakelovinbabe 16

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 19:24

It really was just okay. I don't get all the hype either.

Guardian88 21

Send a private message

Wednesday 5 March 2014 3:55

Yes please :-)

bigwiensch 15

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 16:47

That's not very HANDELY

asnakelovinbabe 16

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 16:47

Get out.

Nilorak 24

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 16:57

No, you.

WCARlover 34

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 16:50

Just have to love winter

Michael903 18

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 16:51

Sometimes it just pays to stay inside and drink hot chocolate!

eternal_malaise 10

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 16:51

If your vehicle has a rear door or hatchback, try entering that way because they are less likely to freeze shut. Then you can push open the front doors which is much easier than trying to pull them open.

santosb1 11

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 21:04

I dont't know, one push and the doot may fall off its hinges too

HisHarleyQuinn 14

Send a private message

Wednesday 5 March 2014 2:24

I'm not sure what kind of vehicle you drive, but my hatchback freezes shut quite frequently. When the water drips down to where the door meets the bumper and freezes, it's nearly impossible to open. Much more difficult than the doors. And my car is 27 years old. And yes, I've broken a frozen door handle.

MLPcuzYOLO 5

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 March 2014 16:56

Gosh, you must have some super strength! You ought to stay at home, sew a fabulous superhero costume, and then go out and help citizens in need with your super power. Or maybe drink some hot chocolate...with marshmallows! Yummy!