Today, my girlfriend got a Twitter account. Now she won't stop hashtagging everything she sends me. FML

Today, my brother decided it would be funny for almost every sentence out of his mouth to start with the word "hashtag". FML

Today, my mom made a Facebook status about me: "My daughter is on her rags and won't shut the fuck up #annoyingbitch". FML

Today, my daughter is still acting out her teenage issues. This morning, when I told her to, "Have a nice day" she screamed at me, "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" FML

It's a learned behavior

Today, I got a phone call from my daughter’s school. Turns out, an African-American girl approached her and tried to play with her, but my daughter cut her off and said, "I don’t want to play with a black person." I have no idea where she learned this. FML

Today, my 2-year-old daughter overheard my wife and I arguing and fixated on one particular insult my wife threw at me. Now my daughter won't stop saying "Daddy a numbnuts", always with a big smile on her face. FML

Today, I had to explain to my white girlfriend that dating me doesn't give her the right to call my mother the N-word. FML

Buzzwords

Today, my store manager thought that it would improve morale to talk in hashtags. FML

Nature vs. Nurture

Today, I think my daughter is the only person in the world who was born racist. The other day she said to me, “Girls with dark skin can’t be pretty.” FML

Today, while working customer service, I instructed a customer to press the pound key on her cellphone. She hesitated a moment before asking, "Um, the pound key? You mean the hashtag, right?" FML