Miscellaneous: Today, my brother and I took our cars to get oil changes. While...

This is my FML. This did happen in Alabama. Sadly, I don't think this guy was kidding at all, although, he was obviously tweaking pretty hard so that may have played a role. He didn't work there he was just another customer. The dude actually brought it up twice. After the second time my brother ditched me and went outside to get away from him and left me to sit with the creep. However, shortly after I got the last laugh when he followed my brother outside to pester him again.

Miscellaneous

Walk on the wild side

Wrong place, wrong time

People don't always get sarcasm

23/09/2010 11:01

Today, after I got off work, as I walked into the house, I noticed something running across the floor towards me and out of complete terror I kicked it halfway across my living room, not knowing what it was. Turns out it was my roommate's new puppy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 039

You deserved it 50 393

High on emotion

By Anonymous - 10/07/2020 05:00

Today, a woman I’ve liked for years falsely claimed to be strung out on crystal meth rather than just turning me down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 333

You deserved it 123

08/04/2013 08:30

Today, I had a lunch meeting with important people from my company. While drinking from my wine glass someone cracked a joke, causing me to snort a fountain of wine all over my lap, splashing the people next to me. The horrified look on my boss's face sitting opposite me said everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 182

You deserved it 5 546

03/05/2011 05:01

Today, after teaching my 4 year old son about the concept of "Stranger Danger," we had gone to a park full of people. When I walked up to him to tell him we had to leave, he ran, screaming "Stranger! Don't touch me!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 720

You deserved it 7 776

28/10/2018 15:30

Today, I got a ticket for doing 38mph in a 45mph zone. Apparently you can be cited for "impeding traffic" even when you're the only car on the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 874

You deserved it 1 064

First Impression

By Katy3225 - 06/06/2018 15:00

Today, it was my first day teaching economics to a university class of 150. For the first 5 minutes, a bunch of students snickered. I asked why. One said, "Your zipper's open, but it doesn't matter because your blue panties are showing through your white pants anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 502

You deserved it 1 635

19/05/2019 06:11

Today, I woke up late for work. I rushed everything, ate a quick meal and was thirsty as hell. I saw a 2-liter Coca Cola bottle, so I poured a huge glass filled with ice and ran out the door. While driving, I took a huge gulp of nice, cold thick cooking oil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 769

You deserved it 833

Never go public

By Anonymous - 07/04/2021 20:00

Today, I learned to keep your posts private on social media. Your boss might find your Facebook status updates saying, “I hate this shitty 9-5, I want to be on a beach with a margarita.” I got a call from him saying, “You’re terminated from the shitty 9-5, so you don’t have to anymore. Enjoy the beach!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 327

You deserved it 2 141

18/01/2010 00:40

Today, I arrived at my apartment to find the door kicked in. Inside, I found my TV, Xbox, stereo, CDs, and laptop had all been stolen. When my roommate got home, I told him about it, to which he replied, "Yeah, I left my keys inside this morning, so I kicked the door in to get them." He left with the door kicked in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 359

You deserved it 2 543

09/03/2017 04:00

Today, I was giving my one-year-old a bath. I'd finished washing her, so she started to play and splash. When I went to lift her out of the tub, I slipped and busted my kneecaps on the side. Guess who sat there and laughed hysterically as I cried out in agony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 094

You deserved it 568

24/10/2013 12:52

Today, I taught my girlfriend some French. She then used her newfound language to break up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 653

You deserved it 4 664

11/09/2016 10:15

Today, I lifted up a watermelon, not realising it had gone bad. The thing exploded like an alien giving birth. Stinking juice and rotten inside all over the kitchen. Even behind the build-in closets. It smells like rotten fruit cheese and I can't reach behind the closets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 480

You deserved it 1 301

14/10/2011 00:07

Today, as part of the treatment for my bulimia, my doctor informed me that I will not be allowed to go to the bathroom unsupervised. Meaning there will have to be another person in the bathroom with me at all times. I have a nervous bladder. I couldn't go if I wanted to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 208

You deserved it 13 784

28/03/2013 13:52

Today, while in a public bathroom, I threw out my back. A stranger had to help me pull up my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 309

You deserved it 2 843

Fair analysis

By Avnirvana - 07/10/2020 23:01

Today, I seriously considered writing in SCP-106 for president. I hate both candidates so much, I would willingly take President Radical Larry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 378

You deserved it 720

14/12/2016 13:16

Today, I was watching porn when I found a lookalike of my soon-to-be sister-in-law. She's attractive, so I enjoyed watching her getting it on by herself. Needless to say I did not finish as I saw another "lookalike" entering the room. I have now seen my brothers erect penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 871

You deserved it 4 299

26/01/2011 10:31

Today, after mourning and making my girlfriend cancel her big birthday party, I found out my grandma didn't actually die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 905

You deserved it 28 499

19/10/2014 03:03

Today, I have to make a decision. I either drive my dad around during the day so he can drink, or I let him drink and drive so I can focus on studying for my exams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 423

You deserved it 3 035

23/08/2011 06:50

Today, while going around trying to find a job, a manager came up to ask me, "Are you looking to work here?" I nodded happily, hoping this would be the end of my search. She looked me up and down, saw I had a jacket on to hide my tattoos and said, "Sorry, I can't hire heroin addicts." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 109

You deserved it 10 489

10/05/2016 08:19

Today, a woman kindly asked if she might take a photo of her son in our cowboy boots. Thinking it couldn't do much harm, I agreed. Ten minutes later there was a butt naked three year-old and his entire family taking pictures in my shoe store. My manager wasn't impressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 703

You deserved it 1 516

Summertime sadness

By littl3storm - 09/06/2020 05:04

Today, as a treat to myself for completing my exams, I dyed my hair rainbow. In the process of dyeing my hair, I managed to roll over my foot, causing severe ligament damage in my foot and ankle. It's likely I'll end up with a cast. Goodbye summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 195

You deserved it 377

Throwing shade

By deargodwhy - 04/09/2020 10:03

Today, my 12-year-old daughter was suspended from school for doing a book report on 50 Shades of Grey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 083

You deserved it 740

16/03/2015 14:36

Today, my ex called me up to suggest that we become friends, only so that she could introduce me to her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 484

You deserved it 4 198

Stay classy

By chattyloz - 07/02/2013 12:31

Today, I had to unpick a wedgie in the street. I backed against a wall, lifted my skirt and sorted it. I then turned around and caught eye contact with several men in the barbers behind me. Not such a solid wall after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 814

You deserved it 39 749

They're everywhere

By Anonymous - 19/09/2020 23:01

Today, I started a new job. I was in a meeting, all day, training under a guy. This was the same middle-class-gravyboat guy who has no idea what he's doing, attributes things to false-positive root causes, and is defensive whenever someone knows more than him. I left my last job because of this type of guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 146

You deserved it 195

12/05/2009 07:19

Today, I went out to a nice restaurant for my friend's birthday. I went to the bathroom and heard the woman in the other stall crying. She couldn't pull her underwear up over her obese, old-lady ass because her arms don't reach that far anymore. I was the only one there. I had no choice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 992

You deserved it 12 376

21/08/2012 23:17

Today, I found out that my parents don't know the difference between a foreign person and a deaf person. They've been yelling at our exchange student for the past 2 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 948

You deserved it 1 754

14/04/2009 14:07

Today, I was walking through the park eating fries. There was an old woman feeding a few pigeons. They didn't seem too interested, so I threw some fries down as I walked by to try and help her out. About 2 minutes later, I heard screaming. A huge group of pigeons were attacking the old woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 454

You deserved it 19 852

23/06/2011 14:19

Today, I found out my dad thinks he's famous because he's been on 'Cops', twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 923

You deserved it 4 098

09/10/2009 15:05

Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I knew his parents wouldn't be there. Later, I woke up in a hospital bed because his sister thought I was a burglar and tased me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 441

You deserved it 42 855

23/06/2009 01:13

Today, I discovered that the hearing in my left ear is still good. I haven't been able to hear that well out of it for 2 weeks and I thought I popped an eardrum and waited for it to heal. I stuck a Q-Tip in there to clean it out. Turns out there was actually a dead fly in my ear. For 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 158

You deserved it 11 400

20/09/2013 00:47

Today, I was at work at Krispy Kreme for national "talk like a pirate" day. If you dressed like a pirate you'd get a free dozen donuts. A man came in with just an eyepatch on. Thinking he was trying to get a free dozen, I told him he needed to try harder. Turned out the eyepatch was real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 211

You deserved it 13 870

11/10/2012 05:28

Today, a haunted house opened up next to my restaurant and they've gotten into the habit of scaring me as I'm cleaning up at night. They stay open for another month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 789

You deserved it 2 206

11/11/2012 20:27

Today, I had dinner with my grandparents. At the table, my grandfather openly complained about how hard it is for him to get out of their hot tub. Not because of his prosthetic leg, but because his balls somehow "get stuck". I really didn't need to know that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 857

You deserved it 1 706

12/12/2010 05:28

Today, my dad called for the first time in six months. He needs someone to bail him out of jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 410

You deserved it 2 417

Overreach

By AccioBucket - 12/02/2021 11:02

Today, I'm banned from the only working bathroom in my house because my mother is cleansing for an upcoming colonoscopy. My options are either a bucket in the basement, or wetting myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 835

You deserved it 76

Getting on

By Anonymous - 11/06/2021 05:59

Today, after much measuring with a tape measure, comparing with my sisters and even asking my husband for his opinion, I'm forced to admit that without a bra on, my boobs now sag so much my nipples hang down to the level of my belly button. FML

I agree, your life sucks 867

You deserved it 100

13/11/2010 13:24

Today, it was my 21st birthday. I had a simple party with my boyfriend, with just a cake and a bottle of red wine. My boyfriend managed to get so drunk that he danced naked for 10 minutes, then told me I'm hideously obese but that he loves me anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 170

You deserved it 5 723

01/06/2011 00:50

Today, my boyfriend refused to take me out on our three year anniversary because he was busy, "training to become a professional gamer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 719

You deserved it 8 629

01/10/2012 16:05

Today, although I can't dance, I decided to go to a club. A really cute girl asked me to dance, and I politely declined. She kept insisting, so I finally said okay. A few minutes in, she stopped, looked at me, and said, "If you're going to make fun of my dancing, I'm leaving." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 263

You deserved it 2 712

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Top comments

cyanidesandwich 21

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 16:01

I feel like we need to know what State this happened in.

kjack49044 18

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 17:34

Umm I live in Texas and it's still abnormal to date family here too...

Comments

Mightyrif 23

Wednesday 19 February 2014 16:01

Ahhh don't you just love Texas!! I'm assuming it is of course...

botanistjessica 24

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 16:56

That's fucked up, asshole.

airhead2015 18

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 17:01

It's actually Alabama. Check on the website dick.

kjack49044 18

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 17:34

Umm I live in Texas and it's still abnormal to date family here too...

mario2012 18

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 17:58

I hate people like you 1.

Gingerette 8

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 18:16

Pretty sure the only place where that's half normal is Arkansas...

gracehi 31

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 18:17

You're mixing up your stereotypes, 1. Incest being common is a stereotype of Alabama, not Texas. I'm not saying the stereotype is true in Alabama either.

jlamb0328 4

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Thursday 20 February 2014 0:16

I actually thought that West Virginia was the state with the stereotype of incest...

King_paradox 22

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Thursday 20 February 2014 0:22

Such win. With that comment only texans or west Virginias would down vote

Cadillac4427 8

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Thursday 20 February 2014 1:26

absolutely loved your comments(#55, #56 and #81) ! lmao

ItsATwinThing 9

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Thursday 20 February 2014 6:15

I'm British and that 'stereotype' is usually generalised to all southern states...I'm just sat here drinking tea and considering better dental care.

buttcramp 21

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Thursday 20 February 2014 6:17

I'm a Texan and just so you know we are responsible for a majority of the nations profits due to our medical centers, oil, etc. we aren't all hillbillies down here. I don't even own a gun, horse, dog, or boots. I do however, have a chef and restaurant manager for a husband, a brilliant toddler, and I work as a diagnostic ECG/ EKG technician. I'd say that's a pretty normal family (oh, and we weren't related prior to marriage)

WellThatSucked89 13

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Thursday 20 February 2014 12:00

You must be so proud..

arandomusernameaa 20

Thursday 20 February 2014 12:24

That's a nice story 102.

wildnargles 15

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Thursday 20 February 2014 16:29

You can add racism to that list too! Have a good day mam

jlamb0328 4

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Saturday 22 February 2014 5:45

#102 That story was so thrilling I felt like I was actually there...wow...that just...that just blew my mind!!

mary_13 26

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Sunday 23 February 2014 1:00

You'r comment is my favorite.lol

equitationbound 22

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Sunday 23 February 2014 11:22

Thanks for the life story, 102.

kittykat1501 31

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Sunday 24 January 2016 3:55

88she's from alabama

cyanidesandwich 21

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 16:01

I feel like we need to know what State this happened in.

Ihavegas 22

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 16:04

I second this

amphetamin3 17

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 16:11

Not on my phone. Just says united states.

laden_swallow09 34

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 16:16

Yeah, 12. Same here. I don't see AL anywhere.

Welshite 39

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 16:18

Baustigt was making a joke by perpetuating the Southern incest stereotype.

Welshite 39

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 16:21

And here I thought Baustigt was trying to be clever. The app does not display the state.

Welshite 39

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 16:26

Ha! I already gave you my driver's license, and I'm not making that mistake again. Do you know how many private security guards I had to hire when I saw you stalking me? That kind of security ain't cheap, you know.

cyanidesandwich 21

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 16:27

Huh, I figured it was on the website. Go figure that it was Alabama...

crazytwinsmom 25

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 17:01

My phone app used to show the state but hasn't since I updated the app.

Kamon97 23

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 17:06

Sweeet home Alabama!

crazytwinsmom 25

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 17:37

Where the skies are so blue

Scotticus117 11

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Thursday 20 February 2014 2:25

It says Alabama on the post. So we shouldn't be surprised then...*queue banjo playing*

Clay_Pidgeon 11

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Thursday 20 February 2014 2:27

Alan, how much power does FML staff have? If somebody talks shit to you can you ban them or something? This is serious, I'm just wondering.

warsun 27

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Thursday 20 February 2014 8:50

Staff comments look so special D:

jadeystram 3

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Thursday 20 February 2014 11:05

It says Alabama in the description so It was probably there?? I can't say 100% of course :)

IHATEFMYLIFE 26

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Thursday 20 February 2014 17:03

29: I figure you like the word figure. :)

patrickalamo 47

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Thursday 20 February 2014 17:28

It's all relative...

abhi95 31

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 16:02

Waaw! You don't wanna know about his household for sure!

Redoxx_fml 22

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 17:09

He's definitely a Lannister

abhi95 31

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 20:00

Can't wait for this season to start.. Even my exams will be over! I'm excited just thinking about last season's ending!

712sash 26

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 16:04

Seems like he needs his oil changed.

abhi95 31

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 16:05

And that is metaphorically related how?

ComoEsJuan 24

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 16:25

Goin out a limb here and saying, maybe he meant "oil" to mean "mindset"? C'mo, dude, back me up...

illegalbeagle69 23

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 16:49

Don't know how that's related, but oil change in Blue Mountain State.. messed up..

TunaFireStarter 16

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 18:59

I thought it was more like his "brain oil." So he's saying he needs his "oil" changed to make his brain run better? That he isn't quite alright in the head? But that doesn't really make sense either. Or maybe not. Who knows.

Faff 20

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 19:11

Maybe asking if you're dating is some kind of code meaning 'i need my oil changed' and this guy recognized the code

derpina15 26

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 16:07

I'm getting a vibe that you live in the south...

Posthuman 26

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 16:09

He was just wishing you luck on your "family outing." Maybe he wanted to role play as the father in a freaky 3 way? He obviously saw you weren't getting any, so he was letting you both know of an alternative? I got nothing.

Nightheated 8

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 16:16

Wtf

hashshim 21

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Thursday 20 February 2014 4:51

9: I exile you from the Internet.

xx000o 27

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Thursday 20 February 2014 11:43

You are correct, you most definitely got nothing.

amphetamin3 17

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 16:09

Maybe you didn't catch the rest of his statement. "so...you're not." Ehh, I'd probably find somewhere else to get my oil changed.

laden_swallow09 34

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 16:18

Why?

amphetamin3 17

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Wednesday 19 February 2014 16:51

Because every time I saw that guy, I'd remember that horrifying moment of someone implying me and my brother should date? I dont know. Don't ask me questions that I don't really have an answer for. You don't know me and my life! :p lol.