Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

I don't know why this is being downvoted. It's completely accurate. OP wouldn't have made it an FML if they were fine with him getting nudes. So they shouldn't feel like they have to stick to the engagement if they uncover stuff like that.

That isn't even the problem. They are obviously far from home right now so she can't just break it off and leave. She's stuck with him there for another week.

But it would seem everyone forgot that OP was looking through her boyfriends phone. While in this case, it's good that she found out about this, there should be a higher tier of trust in this relationship. They just got engaged.

If there were a "higher tier", op would be married to a scumbag. That being said, you have a point and something leads me to believe that ops hopefully ex did something prior to lose that trust

#61, my boyfriends thumb print unlocks my phone. He can do whatever he wants on it.(besides my only rule of not posting things or messaging people acting like me lol) If I get a message or an email, he can open it and tell me what it is. That's trust.

63 please just shut the fuck up. Getting nudes and cheating are two completely different things, that's like being pissed at him for watching porn.

My bf and I have full range of each other's phones no need to hide, she could have found it while look for an email she needed

So it appears I'm in the wrong. Never thought of it that way. huh....

106 you aren't wrong. For her to feel the need to go through his phone shows a lack of trust and respect for his personal privacy. However, he's more wrong in his infidelity and can't use the phone thing to excuse his actions.

#61 she may have just needed to message someone off his phone and when she opened up messages that he had left the conversation open with the girl with the nudes. It's not always about snooping through your partners phone, however if asked you should always be okay to let them see anything on your phone. No one should hide things and I trusted my partner and found 2 things within a month without ever snooping through his phone that nearly broke us up.

People like that are not worth your time whatsoever. I'm sorry you got to the point of engagement with this fool.

Well look on the bright side, he chose u, not that slut. He loves u, but u need to confront him about it and make sure he did not sleep with this chick. Either way it is cheating, but u need to have a serious talk with him and possibly get some time apart. If he truly loves u he will fight for u. If you two are meant to be together, u will be, if not, then it won't ever work out. But try to make it work if u truly do love him and see u with him forever

Well, looks like your advice wasn't the only atrocious thing in your message.
No, he didn't "choose" her. He chose to be immature, to play, and to lie.

#3, do you really think it's romantic that the guy proposed to the girl, even though he may possibly have had another woman on the side? This isn't a novel or a soap opera, kiddo. There's nothing wonderful or special about being the fiancee of a cheating dirtbag.

Shit happens and people in relationships do shitty things to each other. It's cheating whether he slept with this other girl or not. Just because he cheated on her, does not mean he doesn't love her, they could still work it out if they love each other. I'm not saying he isn't a fucking asshole, he is a huge douche bag for doing that to her. But that doesn't mean she should leave him and not even try to work things out. Obviously he loves her, obviously he doesn't give two shits about this other chick. If he didn't love her and had feelings for his other girl he would never have proposed or even thought about marrying her. She should at least talk to him about it. If she can't even try to make it work and can't even try to talk about it with him then obviously she never loved him. If you love someone u will try to make it work no matter what. I seriously hope neither of u are married because neither if u have obviously never been in love.

And obviously neither of u have any experience with relationships and actually trying to make things work, u have to stick together through thick and thin, u can't just leave when the other does something shitty to u. That's life, not some soap opera "kiddo," Life is having bad things happen to u and actually working through it and not running away like some scared puppy.

I saw on another post that you're 20. You really want to have a crack at whether other people have really been in love? Pull your head in girl.

Considering my parents have been together since they were 14 and my dad did cheat on my mom a few years ago and they were able to work it out and are still together and still in love, I think I do know what I'm talking about.

So do u really want to say something else to make yourself sound stupid again? Please go for it. Just because I'm only 20 doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about or that I haven't been in love or don't know what love is. You would be surprised the things u learn when u keep your mouth shut and actually watch what is going on around u, try it sometime.

So I'm just gonna out myself right now... I'm 22, have been in three wonderful relationships (and three not-wonderful relationships), did the whole long-distance thing (both when it worked out and when it didn't) and had long-term relationships of multiple years.

That being said, you shouldn't trivialize other people's advice by saying they've "obviously never been in love" because I can assure you, they have. It's a very human thing. Not saying the condescension was warranted (not saying it wasn't), but what you are suggesting is this:

1) He Truly Loves OP because he's engaged to her, and not this side chick.
Lesson 1: If your fiancé has a side chick, his heart is not 100% in it. There is something going on that needs to be addressed, and if it's happening this early in a relationship when they're thinking about MARRIAGE, it's probably NOT good to assume that he's going to love and cherish OP forever... because he's already dissatisfied with the relationship.

2) SHE needs to work it out with her boyfriend.
Lesson 2: This is HIS problem. HE needs to get his dick in his pants and his head out of his ass. The only way for him to straighten out and be honest with OP is if she confronts him about it (sad, but most likely true), which she needs to do (as you said) but this is not something SHE can fix. It is, 100%, totally, on him.

3) It will work out if you two are meant to be together.
Lesson 3: Sorry to burst your bubble. There is no such thing as "soul mates". Nothing is "meant" to happen in love. What happens is what happens, but YOU have to put the effort in, YOU have to deal with the problems, YOU have to communicate with your SO. You think fate is going to put two people together because they're SUPPOSED to be? If that's true, maybe you just got REALLY LUCKY with your SO(s).

4) If she doesn't try to make it work with her SO, she never loved him.
Lesson 4: People can do things that are emotionally healthy for themselves even if it means sacrificing someone they truly, deeply care about. Why don't you focus on his actions, rather than questioning her feelings?

5) My parents worked it out, so they should be able, too.
Lesson 5: It's called anecdotal evidence. Google it. In addition, your parents were married when this happened, probably for several years. This happened prior to their ENGAGEMENT. If they're having these kinds of issues THIS early on, it's much more detrimental to the relationship simply because they have less time and money (and probably no kids) invested in it.

TLDR; Your advice is shitty, you're wrong, grow up a bit before you open your mouth and give all of us 20-somethings a bad rep.

Furthermore, based on your other comments in this thread, I can tell you don't have the slightest IDEA what is and what isn't emotionally healthy in a relationship. Are you sure you aren't still in middle school, or are you using Twilight as a step-by-step guide to relationships?

This sounds like advice from someone who is or has been the cheater in a relationship or two.

Your only defense to people against your completely wrong opinion is,"Shit happens" "If she doesn't work it out, she never loved him." Okay, listen. Shit does not happen, when you cheat, there is no excuse. It is not her fault that he cheated, yet you dare say that SHE doesn't love HIM? When HE cheated? You can't be serious.

#44, That was great advice

3 getting nudes and cheating are two very different things. It's like being pissed at him for watching porn.

#87 no it's not like porn at all, I'm cool with my SO watching porn as he is with me, but like fuck we want each other receiving nudes off people. There is a huge difference, porn is make believe, you can communicate with the actors, you can't get emotionally involved and 0% chance of it going anywhere and you probably don't watch the same porno over and over
Nudes are personal, high chance of it going further, there is communication, feelings and such
Not the same

Gorgeous_Vixen: I'm so glad your parents got passed your fathers indiscretions. My parent were able to get through it when my cheated to. But think about this, my parent SHOULD have gotten divorced. It wasn't the first time my father had stepped out on my mom, just the only time he admitted it.

I've recently had a woman a little older than me contact me claiming my father was also her father. I will admit that there is a resemblance, and I sorta believe her. Now, with all that said, I don't think they should've gotten divorced because of my father, but rather it's my mother.

She forgave my father multiple times, because she doesn't know how not to be with him. She has done this to herself. My mother has conditioned herself to not be alone, therefore it would've been much healthier for both parties to go their separate ways.

My father could've found whatever it is he was looking for that my mother couldn't give him, and my mother could've learned (again) that she doesn't need a man to live a happy life.

#43, you might just be my hero. I'm 23, have been with my fiance for four years, and we have a son together. Being in a relationship is not a fairytale, you don't run the second there is a problem because it means they might not be your 'soulmate.' Being in a relationship is about working through problems when they do arise and recommitting to your partner. But... it is completely up to either party to decide if a certain problem is just too much for them, and that is okay. You don't have to accept another's betrayal. Definitely need to think on whether you can ultimately forgive him or not. It is absolutely not your fault, but are there underlying issues in your relationship that may have caused him to look elsewhere or is he just cheating because that's who he is? People make mistakes and shouldn't always be condemned for it. She owes it to herself to understand his side of the story before making her decision.

fake!!! who sends nudes by email? ? bots or spam. or its legitimate, sucks either way.

If you said yes, at least you can still back out. But just out of curiosity, why were you looking through his phone?

Still, that's a horrible discovery.

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

#11 no one has a right to look through anyone's phone. Fact is, you're an entitled brat of you think you deserve to be able to read your boyfriend's texts and other messages just because you're in a relationship. It's the same thing as he isn't entitled to looking at you in the shower if you don't want him too. It's all about privacy.

#11 A healthy relationship is based on trust. Searching through your partner's phone behind their back is a clear sign that something isn't right in the relationship

#11, people always have secrets in a relationship. ALWAYS. When my husband was alive, I never once looked through his phone for the sake of it. I'd check it for e-mails because he was blind and had me read some out to him. If I saw something from a friend or relative, I wouldn't even bother. I trusted him, just as he trusted me.

Saying that someone should be able to look through the other's phone sounds pretty overbearing.

Looking through someone's phone is an invasion of their privacy even if you guys are in a relationship. I would never look through a significant other's phone and I expect they would never look through my messages either. A relationship requires trust. Looking through your significant other's phone is a violation of their trust.

See, I'm on the side that doesn't see an issue with looking through a significant other's phone. If you've got nothing to hide, what's the problem? If you have something to hide on your phone from your SO, then there's probably something wrong with the relationship. I flip through my husband's phone all the time and think nothing of it when he picks mine up. Sometimes we flip through out of boredom or we want to use the apps one of us might have on our phones. Other times, there are conversations that are easier to just let the other read rather than to relay the information to the other. We're watching horses for some friends for a month or so and, instead of trying to tell me everything, it was just easier for me to read the conversation between him and the owner of the horses so that we were all on the same page.

Now, I've never gone snooping to see if he's hiding anything and I doubt he's ever done that to me, but we're the types who don't hide our phones away from each other. Our phones are tools, not secret devices. Some of you sound so protective of your phones that Gollum would be proud.

I made an account just to reply to this. Finally someone said it right. How is it a violation of privacy? Anyone who has an issue with their SO wanting to fiddle with their phone needs to reconsider their idea of privacy. A phone is just a phone, and people who use it to hide things do not deserve to be in a relationship in the first place.

I can't imagine having trust issues literally right after the dude proposed. she must have stumbled across them by accident

If both partners don't mind, then fine. If you've given each other permission, then that's your decision. One you've both agreed to and are happy with. The problem comes when one person believes that just cause someone is their SO they can look through their phone, go through their pockets or handbag, or another such invasions of privacy. I have nothing to hide from my gf but I don't look at her phone and she doesn't look at mine. If she has something she wants me to see, she shows it to me. But I'm not going to just pick up her phone and start looking at it. It's hers and I have too much respect for her and myself to look at it without permission.

and there's the rest you're a bitch

Personally in my relationship we use each others phones sometime, like if he's watching something I don't want to I'll ask for his phone and I play games on our phones at the same time, and vise-versa, but we don't snoop through. It's not a point of neither of us have something to hide, but we both trust each other to know we have nothing to hide

#29, and that last paragraph is the important distinction. When #5 was asking why she was going through his phone, it was in all likelihood an inquiry about possible snooping. I don't see anything wrong with simply ACCESSING a SO's phone either. But if you're going through it with intent to snoop, something is wrong. Perhaps OP wasn't snooping in the first place, but such is the purpose of #5's original question considering OP did find her way into his emails somehow. Regardless, I feel such a distinction between two different motives is important.

looking through someone's private communications is a violation of trust in a relationship. It's also a sign of the relationship being unhealthy.

Many forms of abuse start with an invasion of privacy like that, by demanding you get to see their email/social media messages.

Now if they said it's okay to look to check a message for them if they're busy or something. that's a different story.

15 a lot of the time the person who is in the wrong is the person who is searching. If a girl looked through my phone without my permission, I'd kick her to the curb. I don't care what stage the relationship is at, but that's a major violation of trust

Recently ended a relationship with someone she demanded to look at my phone. Nothing on their, but she would jump to conclusions about nothing claiming the most basic conversations were signs of possible cheating. She had a terrible temper and at one point tried to slam my arm in the door cause she was angry. Everyone should have their own personal privacy. Us having sex doesn't entitle my so to everything they ask for just cause they want it.

Confront him and find out if he's decided or will decide to be serious about your relationship or not. If not move on get out before marriage. So many people marry young and think they can make it work out after... That is not the case the relationship needs to work before in order for a marriage to last.

This is what I basically said and got 4 thumbs down wtf??

10, you said it like a toddler who just learned to write, though. 6 said it intelligently.

10: Because you said it in a way which made it look like you have no idea what you're talking about or what a healthy relationship should be like.

Break off the engagement!!! You deserve better!!

I'm sorry OP. Call the airlines and see if you can reschedule the flight.

Hope you dropped his ass like a piece of rotten fruit.

Wow, how can anyone say you deserved that? I'm sorry. That must have been heart-breaking.

I said YDI because what the fuck. 1) it's implied that she is going through his phone without his permission. 2) getting nudes and cheating are two completely different things. It's like being pissed at him for watching porn.

Watching porn and receiving nudes are not in the slightest way similar.