Today, I got a new job. This would've been a good thing, but...

By That_guy - 12/2/2012 06:02 - United States

Today, I got a new job. This would've been a good thing, but apparently, the person I'm replacing was very well-liked around my workplace. All of my co-workers hate me now for replacing someone who I don't even know. FML

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Work

Night terrors

Peaky Bladders

Higher standards

By Anonymous - 23/7/2014 23:16 - United States - Salem

Today, I asked my class of fifth graders to write down a list of all the compound words they knew. At least four of them put down 'motherfucker'. FML

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By dealtit - 30/7/2014 03:49 - United States - Toccoa

Today, I accidentally farted in the middle of class. Thinking I got away with it, I just kept doing my work until some kid across the room says, "I could have done better." FML

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By SHAME! - 20/5/2019 16:02

Today, I ran into an attractive friend of a friend I hadn't seen since a night out last month. I tried my best to be friendly and interesting, but he still seemed awkward. Later I found out that the last time he saw me I was blind drunk and vomiting after having propositioned him all evening. FML

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By CheeseMonsters - 24/1/2010 12:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to get my friend a drink while she sat in the lounge watching TV with my dog. When I came back, I found her licking my dogs ears. She said he dared her to do it. FML

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By Holly Jolly - 26/12/2011 06:33 - United States

Today, I spent the day crying, and ate McDonald's for my Christmas dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2013 05:33 - United States - Romulus

Today, I found out that the messages about the issues in my sex life that I'd been sending to my best friend had been sent to my mother via iMessage. She's coming over for dinner tomorrow. FML

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By Miss<Younger>Beyoncé - 13/10/2014 08:13 - Namibia - Windhoek

Today, I was boxing up all my brother's old stuff to take to the attic. I came across a box, and without checking what was inside, I took it up, just to have it fall on my head, to then find out it was filled with dead baby hamsters. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 04:17 - United States - Richardson

Today, our band had a road trip. Two people chose to stack themselves on top of each other to share a seat rather than sit in the last seat next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2018 15:30

Today, I learned that one should not sleep with their roommate's friends, especially the ones that never go home. I spent the whole weekend in my room just to avoid the awkwardness. FML

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By crazy_bitch122 - 29/6/2011 05:13 - United States

Today, while making love, he farted. And blamed it on his dog, who wasn't even in the room. The smell alone could have killed me. FML

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By knife knife - 20/9/2016 00:38 - United Kingdom - Dalkeith

Today, I ate out, even though I was tired. When my main course arrived, I realised I had sent both my forks away with the starter plate. Rather than say anything, I ate dinner with two knives. FML

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By newmoongirl1036 - 13/7/2015 02:03 - United States - Chicago

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I really like. At the last minute he informed me a friend would be tagging along. To keep his friend from being a third-wheel, I kept up a conversation, and managed to piss my date off. He thought I would be a better match for his friend. FML

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By TriangularBanana - 10/12/2016 22:50 - United States - Houston

Today, I babysat my little cousin. He thought that a glue stick would have the same effect as chapstick. FML

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By ldbella - 27/2/2011 08:42 - United States

Today, I decided to do a word search in my daughter's Hello Kitty coloring book. It took me 30 minutes to find 6 words in a kids coloring book for ages 1 and up. FML

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By Pouponette - 16/6/2016 11:07 - France

Today, the pizza delivery guy saw me in my underwear. My boyfriend is so ashamed of me that he pointed out to the guy twice that we were just roommates. FML

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By Madi Jenna - 4/5/2011 17:31 - United States

Today, is the third day my ring won't come off. I used soap, vegetable oil, lotion, soaked my hand in ice to make the swelling of my finger to come down, and even my mom pulled so hard she dislocated my finger. FML

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By Beewwwbs - 9/11/2018 19:00 - Australia - Wembley

Today, I'm on a pill that "may cause breast tenderness". My 32E breasts took that to mean swell up a size, become heavy as lead, be so sore I can't move without a bra on, and stiffen my neck and back muscles so badly I thought I had an ear infection. This will last "a few weeks to months". FML

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By anonymous - 21/5/2011 07:20 - United States

Today, I had to take care of my best friend while she was drunk. This meant changing her pee-soaked sheets, making her take a bath to get all the baby powder off, and making her put clothes on as she tried to run out the house naked. FML

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By Abused - 13/10/2010 08:36 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend used my love handles as ACTUAL love handles. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2019 20:00 - United States

Today, my drunk sister threw up on me while I was sleeping. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2010 22:47 - United States

Today, I attended my son's Christmas concert. When I went to sit down in the last available seat, a woman said she was saving it for her husband. Having nowhere else to sit, I stood in the back, for an hour. The seat remained empty for the entire concert. FML

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By StupidJob - 1/9/2016 23:23 - United States - Batavia

Today I was home sick from work because my doctor gave me a new pill that made me throw up violently. My boss called. I thought she was checking on me. She fired me instead. FML

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By frog - 6/11/2008 13:01 - United Kingdom

Today, while on holiday in England, a cute boy came up and asked where I'm from. When I said Paris, he gave a look and said, "Oh, strange, I always thought Parisians were the most beautiful women in the world." FML

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By sarahh38 - 16/9/2009 18:23 - Canada

Today, I went on a blind date. We had agreed on meeting in front of a park. Thinking I was there first, I texted her "I'm already there, sitting next to the fat chick." I heard a beep. SHE was the "fat chick." FML

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By Gitana - 22/4/2012 19:08 - Spain - Tafalla

Today, I was trying on some clothes in the store's changing room, when someone reached under the door and grabbed my purse, shoes, and pants. FML

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By jamienicole1993 - 5/2/2015 01:21 - United States - Savannah

Today, I woke up to a broken car window and a text from my ex that read, "Before you ask me, the answer is yes." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2015 14:45 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I had a theatre performance. I had to put on a lot of makeup for the role, and one of the guys said I looked nice. I smiled and said thanks. Seconds later, I'd been sucker-punched by his girlfriend for "flirting" with her man. FML

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By ringhider - 8/10/2010 16:55 - France

Today, I was working my shift at the restaurant as a waiter when the girl I've been in love with for 4 years came in with her boyfriend. He asked me to hide the ring in their dessert. FML

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By Username - 23/6/2011 04:47 - United States

Today, I got home to find my truck smashed by a fallen old tree. I was going to have the tree removed next week. FML

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By Ouch - 14/7/2009 02:25 - United States

Today, I thought it would be sexy to cook dinner in lingerie. Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was cooking. I jumped and burned my boobs with boiling cooking oil. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2013 22:09 - United Kingdom - Worcester Park

Today, the crazy son of a bitch who lives next door to me once again got into a loud, rather one-sided argument with his cat. 20 minutes later, he knocked on my door, asking if he could stay at my place for a couple of days. The look he gave me when I said no has me fearing for my life. FML

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By pissedchick - 7/8/2019 14:00

Today, I found out my boyfriend cheated on me. We're in the middle of nowhere and have a 4-hour drive home. FML

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By Fiona the Deceived - 30/5/2018 19:00

Baby New Year?

Today, I found out that my birth date was entered incorrectly, and I’ve been believing that I am a year older than I really am. I’m actually 14, not 15. How did this happen? Both my parents and the doctor got the year of my birth wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2011 23:52 - United States

Today, my father came over to my house. I realized there were condoms on the table, so I subtly moved a vase to hide them. He then gave me an unamused look and said "I know you have sex. You've been married for nine years. Grow the fuck up, dumbass." FML

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By Mahomie123 - 16/4/2011 22:56 - United States

Today, I had an all day volleyball tournament in a town an hour away. My dad left early, not realizing he was my ride home. I'm now stranded in the middle of a rural town with no way home anytime soon. FML

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By damnit - 3/2/2009 10:47 - United States

Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her new clothes. She's gone from a size 4 to a size 12 during our relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2019 18:00

Today, I met my new psychologist for the first time. Expecting it to be someone I wouldn’t know, the door opens and out walks a man I hooked up with once. What makes it worse was he pissed my bed that night. I never called him back or spoke to him again. FML

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By slim_breezy - 4/6/2016 07:41 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to rush my son to the ER after he ate a poisonous plant. He said the plant looked like one in Skyrim and he thought he'd get super powers from eating it. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2011 05:38 - United Kingdom

Today, before setting off on my train journey I checked my booking. The (non-refundable) return date was a week later than I intended, and after buying a new ticket online, I was informed that I would be able to collect it in 2 hours. I leave in an hour. I'll have to pay three times to come home. FML

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By IzzMeister - 15/12/2019 20:00 - United States

Watch a movie

Today, I walked in on my uncle watching porn. I realized that it was porn of my boyfriend, and he told me that the girl in it was "just a friend". FML

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Top comments

By ICATiger | 13

#4024838 - Sunday 12 February 2012 12:48

1- work really hard
2- get promoted
3- Fire all of them (Like A Boss)

By HandsomeRatch | 20

#4024762 - Sunday 12 February 2012 12:24

Well that's not fair of them, they don't even know you.
Sounds awesome to work with them.

COMMENTS

By HandsomeRatch | 20

#4024762 - Sunday 12 February 2012 12:24

Well that's not fair of them, they don't even know you.
Sounds awesome to work with them.

Poser1337 | 5

#4024968 - Sunday 12 February 2012 14:08

Sounds like some awesome and mature awesome people in general. >.>

SecretMe00 | 5

#4025490 - Sunday 12 February 2012 17:16

Earn their respect or fuck them! Who cares.

Jakesterk96 | 8

#4025849 - Sunday 12 February 2012 19:10

*raises hand*

efro4472 | 1

#4026450 - Sunday 12 February 2012 22:50

I've seen this FML before a loooong time ago, you fail..

tjv3 | 10

#4026662 - Monday 13 February 2012 0:11

OP ifeel for you but give it time

gojira666 | 7

#4026801 - Monday 13 February 2012 1:24

The first day you have to knock out the tougest guy in the office. Or was that just prison?

22cute | 17

#4027726 - Monday 13 February 2012 5:04

The place I now work started off that way. I replaced a man who committed suicide. People who missed him took it out on me & I didn't even know about it for half a year. Truly stupid people lacking basic self control.

By XxHoPPoxX | 8

#4024764 - Sunday 12 February 2012 12:24

Good job boss

CareFace | 16

#4024872 - Sunday 12 February 2012 13:18

Good bob joss.

yummy_richkid | 3

#4025063 - Sunday 12 February 2012 14:46

Boob god piss

By Suchagoonnn | 4

#4024769 - Sunday 12 February 2012 12:27

NO GOD PLEASE!!!! NO!! NO!!! NOOOOO!!! (please get the reference)

SammySteel | 6

#4024782 - Sunday 12 February 2012 12:32

The Office

unluckiestperson_fml | 14

#4025328 - Sunday 12 February 2012 16:24

This FML immediately reminded me of Ross in Friends when he becomes the guy in 3B who didn't give money to Howard the Handyman, and becomes immediately hated.

Ekh0es | 36

#4025456 - Sunday 12 February 2012 17:08

Or, how about the episode where Monica gets a new chef job and replaces a well liked chef(or family member), and then all her co-workers hate her and try to make her quit?

absolutegrrr | 7

#4025494 - Sunday 12 February 2012 17:16

36 wins.

By Goatinsfriend | 8

#4024775 - Sunday 12 February 2012 12:29

Ah, lucky you. I feel bad for you. FYL.

AceArctic | 4

#4025029 - Sunday 12 February 2012 14:38

Your sarcasm is weak, young padawan.

By bustub2 | 8

#4024816 - Sunday 12 February 2012 12:43

Just do your best and kill them with kindness. They will come around. I just went through the same thing. Bringing a box of doughnuts won't hurt either.