Work: Today, like every other day, I turn up at work at the security...

By MAC - France

Today, like every other day, I turn up at work at the security guard's gate to show my ID badge. Except that my brother had stuck a huge "FBI" sticker on it. My co-workers now all call me Mulder. FML

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Work

There's no helping some people

Walk on the wild side

Insane parents, part 38765

By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 07:58 - United States - Edison

Booze don't cure the blues

Today, it was my birthday, and even the person who seemed excited about me finally turning 21 and can legally drink forgot. Guess who got drunk alone tonight? This guy. FML

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724

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By banana12321 - United States - Fresno

Today, I thought I had gotten away with throwing a party while my folks were gone the night before. They came home and I was as sweet as possible. I could tell they were not buying it, but I thought I was in the clear. Later, they told me I had drunk-dialled them and spilled the beans. FML

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By Rainman - United States

Today, I had to water my entire garden. After an exhausting hour of watering hundreds of plants, I turned off the hose and started to feel good about the grueling job. That is, until it started pouring rain. FML

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46750

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By winner winner chicken dinner

Today, I finally won at bingo after playing every Thursday night for months. It was a $750 bingo. I split with 85 other winners. My share was $8. FML

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2678

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By weeble_wobbles09 - United States

Today, I was texting this guy that I hooked up with yesterday. We were gonna do it again but he had basketball practice. I was talking to my friend about it, and sent her a text saying "Oh well. I have explosive diarrhea anyways." She wasn't replying, so I checked my sent box. I sent it to him. FML

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By Whoops

Today, my mom decided she wants to try a new family bonding experiment: Being naked around the house for an entire week. She wants us all to eat dinner, watch tv, etc. completely naked. She says she will ground me and my siblings if we don't try it. FML

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5077

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By Crusty

Today, I decided to treat myself to a pedicure. The pedicurist began examining my feet, then called his coworkers over to demonstrate how to deal with "excessively crusty" feet. FML

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By jdot747 - Canada

Today, I posted a question on a forum asking if my week old nipple piercing would get hooked on anything easily. People assured me that it would be fine. An hour later I had to climb over a wall to get something and in lowering myself down I forgot about it and dragged my nipple along the wall. FML

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8638

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By watchyoself - United States - Miami

Today, my boyfriend had the very expensive watch he got me for Xmas resized. I dropped it trying to put it on and shattered the glass. The warranty won't cover it because of the adjustments made. FML

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8798

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By zbaby - United States

Today, a little girl at work was coloring a picture that said "Best Dad" on it. Wanting to be nice I asked her if she was making it for her dad for father's day. She looked at me with a sad face and said, "I don't have a dad..." FML

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58833

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By TheSacredTeddyBear - United States - Independence

Today, I finally gave away all of the stuffed animals that I've been hoarding for years. Proud, I told my family. They congratulated me by buying me stuffed animals. FML

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48869

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By carolinagirl - United States

Today, I found out that my mom and dad got a divorce. They didn't tell me, they just changed their relationship status on Facebook. FML

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48619

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3550

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By Anonymous

Today, I told my boss I have a sore throat. He replied, "Well, don't take it so deep next time." FML

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36697

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By Tyler - Australia - Killara

Today, I was walking down the street when I had a coughing fit. The next thing I know I'm being pushed about by a group of guys who were smoking, because they thought I was coughing deliberately to send them a message about smoking being bad. FML

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26088

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By cogu - France

Today, I realized my girlfriend has more hair on her abdomen than I have on mine. FML

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30132

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6516

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By charlie043 - United States

Today, I met my fiancée's parents for the first time. Her dad was telling me how he's not rich but not poor either. I replied, "Well, as long as you're not a garbage man!" Guess what his profession is. FML

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12796

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By dreadedmafia86 - United States

Today, I was upset after my boyfriend and I broke up. My best friend heard and told me she would be right over. Three hours of waiting later she stumbles in wasted. She had been at the bar, with my ex, making sure he was okay. For me, I just got a list of all the drinks she had that night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27562

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By sad drummer - United States - La Jolla

Today, the lead singer of the band I recently joined blatantly admitted to a fan that the only reason he let me in was because I'm "so fuckin' ugly" that I make the rest of them look "ten times better" in comparison. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35213

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By boner - United States

Today, I was spacing out in French class and randomly got an erection. My professor called on me to stand up at the front of the room and say, "I am wearing a belt," in French. Not everyone was observing just my belt. FML

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36592

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montr?al

Today, my 19 year old brother called me a moron and told me to go read a book, after I corrected him when he said girls don't have colons. FML

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24613

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By Sicko - France

Today, it was really hot in my house so I pulled my shorts down so I was just in my boxers. My family and I were watching tv and I got a spontaneous erection. When I discreetly tried to pull my shorts back up, my penis flipped out of my boxers. FML

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39844

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25916

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By Canadagirl

Today, my boyfriend of seven and a half years broke up with me. By text message. FML

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4173

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300

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By tkdbb11790

Threesome

Today, my girlfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday. Apparently “A threesome” is not the appropriate answer. FML

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824

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By SoulStormIV - United States - Castle Rock

Today, I thought it would be nice to take my obese dog for a walk, since she hasn't had one in a long time. She was doing great, until we were about a mile from our house. She plopped down on the ground and wouldn't move. Nobody was home so I had to carry her all the way back to our house. FML

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10794

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By EK - United States

Today, in the middle of dinner, I went to rest my chin on my hand, missed, and stuck the straw from my drink straight up my nose. FML

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42843

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By notgettinsome - Australia

Today, my mother was scolding my youngest sister for having unprotected sex with yet another partner. She continued with, "Why can't you be like your brother and just never have sex?" I'm 22, and she's not wrong. FML

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49895

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By Kens - Canada

Today, I was on the bus home and on the phone with my best friend discussing my sex life with this new guy I'm seeing. I was telling her all sorts of raunchy sex things we've done until someone taps my shoulder and says "I'm sure he doesn't appreciate you saying this in public." It was his mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30291

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By rainyday - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. I said that at least I was always there for him when he needed me. He said "When did I need you?" FML

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36950

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By darkman28 - United States

Today, I was looking at the page of a girl I've had this big crush on for a long time. After getting a date with her and taking her horse back riding and having a picture taken of the two of us I find that she paint shopped me out of the picture before posting it. FML

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63376

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Foot in mouth #366

Today, I bumped into an old school friend. I'd heard she was pregnant so the first thing I did was congratulate her. Not only was she not pregnant, but the reason she managed to get so fat was because of comfort eating due to her miscarriage last month. FML

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43863

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By userrrrr - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend's idea of "washing her feet" is sticking her foot in the toilet and flushing. FML

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48458

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at Starbucks, a customer dumped a hot chocolate on me and yelled, saying it wasn't his order. The order actually belonged to a 4-year-old boy with the same name who started screaming when he didn't get his chocolate. FML

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7750

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2020 10:02 - Australia - Murarrie

Kids will be kids

Today, my son accidentally damaged another kid in the face with a baseball bat, while blindfolded trying to hit a piñata. Except there was no piñata, or blindfold. FML

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640

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By shelbylove115 - United States - Nevada City

Today, I walked into my near pitch-black bathroom and saw a person staring back at me. I woke my whole family up with my screams. The person was my reflection. FML

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14575

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By DF - Israel - Rehovot

Today, I went bowling with my girlfriend, her sister and her brother-in-law, and her niece. After 10 rounds, I came in last place. Her niece is 3 years old. She got twice as many points as me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40571

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By thedancer5 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing a breakup note with permanent marker on my newly painted bedroom wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41755

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3357

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By ms98 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I was shopping when I suddenly slipped on the wet floor and my basket and my groceries were flung everywhere. Moments later, one of the cleaners walked over holding a "wet floor" sign, saw me and laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44661

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By Spac3Ghost - China

Today, I was having a conversation with my girlfriend about having kids. We were outside a hotel in front of those rotating glass doors. One of my friends ran at me as a joke, screaming like a caveman. I freaked out in a high pitched squeal, and tried to run inside the hotel. I ran in the wrong way. FML

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8595

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By kutekittykatz - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, while ironing some shirts, my cat decided to hop up and investigate. To prevent him from burning himself, I instinctively moved the iron away and placed it flat on my other hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47189

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By Anonymous - United States - Rock Island

Today, I was at a party, when the cops busted us. Since I'm underage, I hid behind a chair for an hour and a half while they breathalyzed everyone and sat them in the same room I was in. The cops left, everyone realized I was behind the chair, and now my nickname is "Anne Frank". FML

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Top comments

By Eir_fml | 1

#3326 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 12:32

I agree with all here. Mulder is an awesome nickname.

By Timmytwofinger | 0

#224 - Thursday 5 February 2009 3:10

thats just cooool!!!

COMMENTS

By Timmytwofinger | 0

#224 - Thursday 5 February 2009 3:10

thats just cooool!!!

flakes_fml | 0

#980955 - Saturday 17 April 2010 15:40

cool! that should be on mlia on fml

By Eir_fml | 1

#3326 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 12:32

I agree with all here. Mulder is an awesome nickname.

By JuJuBeeSunshine | 0

#4053 - Thursday 19 February 2009 21:45

Actually, that's pretty f-ing sweet! LOL!

By MorningStoner | 0

#5775 - Monday 23 February 2009 10:03

Mulder is great. that should be ILML

By Sunday_fml | 0

#15798 - Thursday 5 March 2009 7:32

C'mon- that is awesome! Mulder is friggin great and you should be happy!

By pinkfrenchrose | 5

#32329 - Sunday 15 March 2009 4:49

LOL
Mulder. xD

By pommeblossom | 0

#91592 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 1:54

I LOVE THE XFILES! Your life has just turned for the better :D

bella789 | 8

#2178941 - Monday 14 March 2011 6:55

is that really you in the profile picture? if so UR hair is amazingly gorgeous(:

By applesaucers | 0

#140147 - Friday 24 April 2009 22:58

There should be an "Effin' Awesome" or an "Epic Win" option somewhere. lol.

By xXNancyXx | 0

#181694 - Saturday 9 May 2009 10:19

Dude!
I would kill to have a nickname like that.
although Scully would be more fitting, since im a chick.

By nyangel | 0

#199844 - Friday 15 May 2009 1:33

did they stop watching tv in 2002? there are so many other fake FBI agents out there, but at least he's a good looking guy...they could have called you Reed from Criminal Minds, who definitely not a good looking guy.

NomNomMuffin | 5

#4486990 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:48

You don't have good taste then

gingerface81 | 16

#5934461 - Sunday 4 May 2014 9:45

They could've called him Booth too but X-files is one of the series that started it all, it's something people like to call a classic

Boomi | 38

#6686881 - Saturday 10 September 2016 7:40

I beg to differ, but Spencer Reid (AKA, Matthew Gray Gubler) is freaking ADORABLE.