Work: Today, like every other day, I turn up at work at the security...

By MAC - France

Today, like every other day, I turn up at work at the security guard's gate to show my ID badge. Except that my brother had stuck a huge "FBI" sticker on it. My co-workers now all call me Mulder. FML

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20309

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Work

Commando

Serious times

Fashion Police

By Anonymous - 4/5/2020 23:00

Fear factor

Today, at about 3:30 a.m. I awoke to the feeling of something dropping on my head. Startled, I turned on the light. It was a gigantic cockroach. I thought I'd killed it, but when I went to collect the body it was gone. I'm too scared to sleep. Even my dog now refuses to be in the bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1606

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152

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By Yazzy - United States

Today, I found out that my parents can see a screen-by-screen of everything I say and do on my computer. FML

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55695

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7911

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By littl3storm - 23/12/2020 15:59 - United Kingdom

Tis the season to be jolly

Today, at the ripe age of 20, I spent the early hours of my morning violently vomiting blood every time I got too warm. I then had the pleasure of shitting in a plastic container for a stool sample, due to said problem, after one and half hours of sleep. FML

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852

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By sparkle - United States

Today, I discovered that my roommate uses her Twitter account to complain about me. FML

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25791

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5802

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By _whyy_mee - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my neighbor yelled at me for driving recklessly. I was going 35 mph, and she was stopped in the middle of a road around a blind curve. My "reckless driving" was slamming on the brakes so I wouldn't hit her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26664

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1943

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By kk - United States

Today, I asked my mom what her biggest craving was when she was pregnant with me. Her answer: an abortion. FML

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55606

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5295

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Today, I was the last to go upstairs, so I had to turn off the lights. My tired brain decided to use my phone flashlight to check if all the lights were out. FML

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5021

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1172

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By DaisyMay - United States

Today, I returned home to find the key to my mailbox missing. I called the post office and was informed that a new key will cost me $15. I have no money, and my paycheck is in the mailbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37267

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5185

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By goinginsane

Today, I was told that I am an incredibly boring person and that it's no wonder I have no friends. I think they're right; last night I dreamt about a nail file. FML

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33699

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7138

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By I weep for our future generation

Today, while home from college for the weekend, my sister started whining about how I keep using "big fancy college words" and making her feel bad. My sister is 27 and teaches elementary school. The word I used was "ludicrous." FML

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3961

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283

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By em - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk. As he got home he asked me to marry him, I was going to say yes until he said, "Oh wait, wrong woman." FML

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48160

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5886

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By Pita - United States

Today, I learned that the cute pet name my boyfriend has been calling me for the past month is actually an acronym for "pain in the a**". FML

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28291

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6546

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By bloodshedblack - United States

Today, I received more affection from my wife in a video game than I ever have in real life. FML

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26380

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4362

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By very punny - United States - Odenton

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend with a ring from Kay Jewelers. She saw the box, started giggling, whispered, "'Kay", and then started laughing so hard at her joke she had to excuse herself. FML

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49513

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6393

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By Fish Breath - United States - Bloomington

Today, as part of my job at a pet store, I helped our frat house president pick out goldfish for the new aquarium the big brothers are installing over summer break. And, once I'm initiated, I'll get to swallow one of the fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10967

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4072

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By Flabbergasted - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has been having an affair with another woman. He works with me and the woman also works in the same company. She is also married and is now 6 months pregnant. They are throwing a baby shower for her on Monday. FML

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38636

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2232

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By jobless

Today, I received a rejection e-mail from a potential employer I interviewed with. I asked for some feedback and they said I didn't seem interested. I had showed extensive interest, even brought up some of the company's recent events, and literally said, "I'm very interested in this position." FML

I agree, your life sucks

5334

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414

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By hinowdie - United States

Today, my mom found her CD of cats and dogs singing Christmas songs. That is what I'll be listening to until Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24679

You deserved it

1996

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my car to a drive-through car wash. It wasn't until after my back seat was filled with foam and I had been squirted in the face that I realized my back seat window was rolled down. FML

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8944

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36399

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By Eden - United States

Today, my tonsils swelled to roughly the size of golf balls. My mom refuses to take me to the hospital because she's convinced I got it from kissing someone, and until I "fess up", she's not budging. FML

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40848

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3140

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By Anonymous - United States - Coldwater

Today, I am one year away from getting a university degree. Unfortunately, my parents just kicked me out because I wouldn't drop out and work for free at our family's gas station. I'm now broke, homeless and have no way to pay for school. FML

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15185

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1364

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By T___T - United States - Cleveland

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that no, my period arriving several days late doesn't mean I have AIDS. FML

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27291

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2279

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By Anonymous

Today, my now ex-fiancée confessed that "our" child is most likely actually hers and my father's. FML

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29756

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1647

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By alternativefacts

Today, I confronted my neighbor because he'd been telling my kids that global warming was a myth. He responded with, "Whine all you want, but the swamp is draining and your bullshit liberal narrative is finally going down." He then dumped his trash on my lawn and retreated to his house. FML

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4838

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1188

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By ihatethisjob - United States - Romulus

Today, I was working the night shift when a guy came in smelling like alcohol. He kept muttering his order, so I leaned over the register to hear him better. My ear now smells of vomit. FML

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41732

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4411

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By littlepsychgirl - United States

Today, my parents asked me if I would dog-sit for them while they go to my ex's wedding. FML

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36386

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2913

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By AnnieTheKitteh

Today, I came up with a new system: If I want to buy something, I must do a chore first. I thought my laziness would keep me from impulsive shopping. Instead, my entire apartment is sparkling clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3774

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1017

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By okeythen - United States - Orlando

Today, I heard my husband telling his friend that I used to be a skank and was "easier than 1 plus 1" when we first met. I was still a virgin when we got married. FML

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56131

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3923

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By mjohnston - United States

Today, I was fired from a managerial position I've held for two years due to "inappropriate relations with a subordinate": I was dating a coworker. My girlfriend then broke up with me four hours later. Because I no longer had a job. I hired her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61484

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13586

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By JoblessandStupid - United States - Stockbridge

Today, I got pissed and tried to storm out of work, only to get outside and realize I couldn't because I'd let my coworker borrow my car for lunch. FML

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5491

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By Youtube drama sucks - 4/2/2021 22:58

YouTube Drama

Today, I went down a four-hour YouTube rabbit hole trying to understand the Onision drama. I finally snapped out if it, thinking, "I don't care about any of this. What am I doing with my life?" FML

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448

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383

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my dad hurt his back. He went to a physical therapist who gave him some exercises to do. I have to watch him lie on his back and air hump while groaning every hour on the hour for the next two weeks. FML

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28257

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4554

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By Cherie - United States

Today, I was in an unfamiliar building on campus and I needed to use the bathroom before class started. I walked in and saw a man at the sink. I said "Oh my god I'm sorry! I thought this was the women's washroom." It was. The very butch looking woman gave me a look of death. FML

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44664

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10396

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By Shock91 - China - Beijing

Milky Milky

Today, the host family that I'm staying with in China gave me a small milk box to drink. It tasted a bit tangy and sour, but I thought that was probably just the taste of milk in China. Trying to be polite, I practically chugged the whole box. Later, I found out that it had expired 20 days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1422

You deserved it

309

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By Mike - United States

Today, my parents told me I was conceived at Disneyworld. Monday, I take a class trip to Disneyworld. My friends will be having fun and all I'll be able to think about is my parents having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22568

You deserved it

5222

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By Eli123 - United States

Today, I decided to run outside. I noticed a really hot guy mowing his lawn. I ran a couple of laps past him. After a while, when I slowed down, I smiled at him, and he replied You look really hot." I thanked him, and he quickly replied, "No, I mean you're sweating a lot." FML

I agree, your life sucks

19465

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51706

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By DaveAlmighty - United States

Today, my son told me he needed a haircut. I was thrilled that he actually requested it, since he normally throws a fit over getting them. He described the cut he wants. It's a mullet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28166

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3304

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By Anonymous - United States - Salinas

Today, my girlfriend of over four years cheated on me in revenge for me abandoning our date last night. I'm a surgeon on call at the local hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

67679

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4134

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By omgwtf

Today, I found out my girlfriend had changed my ringtone to some woman moaning with pleasure continuously. I found this out in the middle of a job interview when she rang me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1747

You deserved it

519

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By Normal - United States

Today, my brother and I got in a fight and he told my friends that I am mentally disabled. They believed him. Apparently, "everything makes sense now." FML

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31920

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Top comments

By Eir_fml | 1

#3326 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 12:32

I agree with all here. Mulder is an awesome nickname.

By Timmytwofinger | 0

#224 - Thursday 5 February 2009 3:10

thats just cooool!!!

COMMENTS

By Timmytwofinger | 0

#224 - Thursday 5 February 2009 3:10

thats just cooool!!!

flakes_fml | 0

#980955 - Saturday 17 April 2010 15:40

cool! that should be on mlia on fml

By Eir_fml | 1

#3326 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 12:32

I agree with all here. Mulder is an awesome nickname.

By JuJuBeeSunshine | 0

#4053 - Thursday 19 February 2009 21:45

Actually, that's pretty f-ing sweet! LOL!

By MorningStoner | 0

#5775 - Monday 23 February 2009 10:03

Mulder is great. that should be ILML

By Sunday_fml | 0

#15798 - Thursday 5 March 2009 7:32

C'mon- that is awesome! Mulder is friggin great and you should be happy!

By pinkfrenchrose | 5

#32329 - Sunday 15 March 2009 4:49

LOL
Mulder. xD

By pommeblossom | 0

#91592 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 1:54

I LOVE THE XFILES! Your life has just turned for the better :D

bella789 | 8

#2178941 - Monday 14 March 2011 6:55

is that really you in the profile picture? if so UR hair is amazingly gorgeous(:

By applesaucers | 0

#140147 - Friday 24 April 2009 22:58

There should be an "Effin' Awesome" or an "Epic Win" option somewhere. lol.

By xXNancyXx | 0

#181694 - Saturday 9 May 2009 10:19

Dude!
I would kill to have a nickname like that.
although Scully would be more fitting, since im a chick.

By nyangel | 0

#199844 - Friday 15 May 2009 1:33

did they stop watching tv in 2002? there are so many other fake FBI agents out there, but at least he's a good looking guy...they could have called you Reed from Criminal Minds, who definitely not a good looking guy.

NomNomMuffin | 5

#4486990 - Sunday 27 May 2012 8:48

You don't have good taste then

gingerface81 | 16

#5934461 - Sunday 4 May 2014 9:45

They could've called him Booth too but X-files is one of the series that started it all, it's something people like to call a classic

Boomi | 38

#6686881 - Saturday 10 September 2016 7:40

I beg to differ, but Spencer Reid (AKA, Matthew Gray Gubler) is freaking ADORABLE.