Today, my portfolio manager called me and said he had invested... - FML

By Noname - 13/1/2009 10:06 - United States

Today, my portfolio manager called me and said he had invested all of my retirement in Circuit City. FML

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Out of it

Mr Sensitivity

Not a cheating!

By Anonymous - 27/9/2010 11:45 - United States

Today, I went on a first date to the movies. During the flick, I choked on a piece of popcorn. I took a gulp of soda and that got stuck as well. I finally got my breath back and let out the loudest burp I ever have. He looked at me and said "Does this mean I can fart now?" FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2015 15:50 - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, I had my first therapy session for the issues caused by trying to please my overbearing, paranoid, self-centred mother. The first thing she did after we started driving home? Ranting at me and demanding to know if I'd been "talking shit" about her to my therapist FML

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By NoToBombs - 7/11/2014 15:51 - United States - Santa Fe

Today, I got a new roommate. I thought he was pretty cool until he mentioned how everything around us was a conspiracy. Then he asked if I knew how to make a bomb. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2012 21:38 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, during a family dinner, my favourite underwire bra got tired of its job and tried to shish-kebab my boobs. FML

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By Petitprof - 12/11/2010 18:23 - France

Today, someone in my class wrote "Erase me if you can!" at the very top of the board, as I am always tormented about how short I am compared to everyone else. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't reach it. I'm the teacher. FML

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By Noname - 17/1/2009 13:31 - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me, asking if I had left my underwear over at his place. No, no I didn't. They weren't mine. Awesome. FML

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By APoorGuy - 15/3/2016 12:08 - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, I found $20 on the ground. I'm so broke, this is the first time in 3 months that I've had any disposable income. FML

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By holycrap - 3/3/2010 05:37 - United States

Today, the bartender pulled me aside and told me that she saw my date slip something into my drink. Who was my date? My husband of four years. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2018 20:36

Today, I worked security by myself in an office, which meant I had to eat at the desk and wasn't allowed to leave. I got written up for my husband dropping off my lunch. FML

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By Prinpette - 20/9/2011 21:20 - France

Today, to show that he really wanted me to shave myself, my boyfriend pretended to go down on me, but instead of following through, he stuck a wad of gum in my pubic hair and got back up. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2013 15:46 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I finally worked up the courage to write a girl a note, with my number on it, and the words: "You're stunning. Get in touch sometime." Heart pounding, I saw her, got up, and passed her the note. Then I passed out at her feet. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2015 04:50 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I had to close my eyes in shame and pretend I didn't exist, as my mom gave a cop a good look at her wrinkled, prune-like cleavage and tried to convince him that the speed limit is optional. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2011 03:23

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for not letting her keep the 75 cents that she stole from my truck. FML

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By paid to scoop ice cream not nana-sit - 17/6/2016 03:13 - United States - Fall River

Today, I was working when my boss left briefly, leaving me with her elderly, senile mother. Not only did I have to chase her when she ran after a stranger on the road, I turned my back for 5 seconds to do my actual job and she walked off. When my boss returned, I had to tell her I lost her mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2011 11:04 - Australia

Today, after being in love with one of my best friends for ages, he took me on a date. We then went back to his place and we made love. Afterwards, he told me he wanted to show me something and led me outside. He ran back in and locked the door. It's a two hour walk home. FML

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By rj - 12/5/2012 14:42 - United States - Goddard

Today, my wife told me she was pregnant. I don't remember having sex since last year. FML

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By hatemyboss - 3/11/2011 16:13 - Canada

Today, I gave my boss a nick name. Everyone thought it was funny. Unfortunately "The Troll" was behind me and heard everything. FML

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By eeeee - 14/6/2012 20:40 - United States

Today, my morning sickness was so bad that I threw up everywhere, just from thinking about the pretend meal that a kid had made for me. FML

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By Unloving - 31/12/2010 21:47 - United States

Today, a man proposed to me in classic style on one knee. Unfortunately, I have been telling this man for the last two months that I don't even want to date him. He thinks I'm playing hard to get and is not giving up. FML

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By Ashley - 7/9/2010 16:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex for the first time when my 4 year old sister walked in. She thought we were making a dog pile, so just as soon as my boyfriend was about to finish, she jumped on his back. FML

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By anonymous - 27/12/2011 22:32 - United States

Today, I was driving home from work when I saw the woman in the car in front of me throw something out the window. Only when it landed on my windshield did I realize what it was. A bloody tampon. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2017 16:00 - United States - Rochester

Today, as I listened to the guy I've been seeing pour his heart out to me, all I could think about was how much I needed to poop. FML

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By "Bianka05" - 19/7/2017 20:00

Today, after being on vacation for a week, my alarm sounded early in the morning. It scared me so badly I peed myself. FML

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By ambiiii - 20/8/2015 03:25 - United States - Marble Falls

Today, my niece started crying because she thought that someday she'll look like me. FML

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By peanuts - 3/7/2010 04:04 - United States

Today, my dog is mad at me due to the fact that earlier in the day I ate 2 peanut butter cookies. Apparently, they were his dog treats. I had no idea. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I took some friends out to the woods to show them a natural spring. I explained to them that the water bubbles up from under ground, and that it's clean and tasty. I bent down and drank a few hefty handfuls only to look up and see a dead raccoon floating near me. FML

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By Conner Johnson - 28/11/2017 05:00

The Customer Is Clueless

Today, a customer walked up to me with a dog toy and said, "I knew one-stop shopping was a thing, but I didn't know you guys carried dildos." FML

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By "leahkasscar" - 11/5/2019 12:00

Today, I'm stuck in a car with my sister who is currently having a screaming match with her boyfriend. FML

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By Kronic - 2/7/2009 05:08 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my two sons and my wife. We got separated after a while, and I spotted my son in the video game section of the store. I snuck up behind him and playfully slapped him on the back of the head. The kid turned around and it wasn't my son. His mom was none to happy. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, I drove past a firehouse that had volunteer firemen taking collections. I take out a $20 and start to roll the window down when I remember my window was broken. I ended up driving by, holding the $20 against the window, staring at the fireman. Now the fireman thinks I was taunting him. FML

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By Alexxicks - 5/3/2020 12:02

So no one told you life was gonna be this way…

Today, I was asked a security question by my bank's app when I tried using it after a year. After two to three wrong attempts, I got it correct with the answer, "Myself." The question was, "Who was your childhood friend?" FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2019 02:01

Thanks, but no thanks

Today, I got fired from the community service I was doing out of kindness. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2014 21:02 - United Kingdom - Broxburn

Today, my mum decided that having the flu and being too lazy to go upstairs to the bathroom is a valid excuse to shit in a jug instead. 5ML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2011 23:53 - United States

Today, my constant bragging to friends caught up with me, and everyone believes I'm a swinger. Because of this, no girl wants to go out with me, in case they become just another notch under my belt. The truth is, I'm still a virgin. FML

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By no touching - 6/3/2015 14:03 - Australia - Blacktown

Today, at a music festival, some douche unzipped the back of my skirt, exposing my Ninja Turtle undies to everyone before running off. FML

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By iamgodzilla - 14/5/2015 02:55 - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I got a friend request on Facebook. It's from the person who crashed into my car earlier in the month. It's funny that she doesn't return my calls or messages, but liked my status about the accident. FML

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By "lonely-mind" - 4/9/2017 16:00

Today, in Tennessee, it stormed like crazy due to Hurricane Harvey. I brought my boyfriend home safely to his parents' house, but it rained harder once we arrived, so I started to wait inside. He's an adult but has a curfew, so they kicked me back out into the storm. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2009 12:15 - United States

Today, I found out that driving five miles an hour under the posted speed limit is "suspicious" and cause for a field sobriety test, breathalyzer, having your car searched and being handcuffed on the side of the road. FML

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By BahHumbug - 27/12/2016 05:18 - United States - Painesville

Today, after weeks of keeping it a secret, I excitedly gave my boyfriend what I thought to be the perfect Christmas present. Turns out lock picking sets are illegal in Ohio. FML

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By mymomsstupid - 29/6/2011 14:51 - United States

Today, I woke up to the news that my mom's in jail. FML

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Top comments

By sanjuro_fml | 0

#3872 - Thursday 19 February 2009 8:11

I hear Bernie Madoff is looking for new clients.

By wotchersarah | 0

#48771 - Sunday 22 March 2009 1:22

#9, that's the point.

and what kind of idiot puts ALL of someones retirement money in ONE company?

COMMENTS

By greenman_fml | 0

#105 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 12:58

#2 it's "You gotta diversify yo' bonds, nigga!" political correctness FTL

Reply

bobmandude | 0

#995915 - Monday 17 May 2010 5:21

I don't think he's allowed to invest that money without your approval. If you approved it, YDI. If you didn't, FYL and sue.

By sanjuro_fml | 0

#3872 - Thursday 19 February 2009 8:11

I hear Bernie Madoff is looking for new clients.

Reply

gress269 | 4

#3927756 - Monday 23 January 2012 5:24

Success.

By PepPlacid127 | 0

#18918 - Saturday 7 March 2009 1:22

Dude, I thought they went out of business

Reply

trey9991 | 0

#2215129 - Monday 21 March 2011 7:41

they did..2 years ago haha

Reply

diewlaymagahai | 0

#3091164 - Friday 12 August 2011 7:10

wat a dumass u replyed his post 2 years later he posted cc going out of business?????!!!!!

Reply

theluckyones | 10

#4938989 - Sunday 16 September 2012 22:57

Haha that's been out of business for a long time

By markowalski | 0

#20759 - Sunday 8 March 2009 4:18

hahaha

By jhesyckuh | 0

#26621 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 19:42

haha, that sucks. i went to cc to take advantage of the clearance sales. and then i got a dirty look from an employee when i asked if they were accepting applications...

By pinkfrenchrose | 5

#32332 - Sunday 15 March 2009 4:52

What the hell...? >.>

By guitarplayer12 | 0

#41507 - Thursday 19 March 2009 1:18

today I used to work in circuit city fuck MY life

By wotchersarah | 0

#48771 - Sunday 22 March 2009 1:22

#9, that's the point.

and what kind of idiot puts ALL of someones retirement money in ONE company?

By avs419 | 0

#89204 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 5:39

at 13....me 2

By fmyoptimism | 0

#95734 - Thursday 9 April 2009 12:48

wow that guy doesn't know how to do his job... haha. and lol @ #4!