Work: Today, it turned out the twit I've been overcharging for drinks... - FML

By Fuck's sake! - Singapore - Singapore

Today, it turned out the twit I've been overcharging for drinks in my bar for wearing shades indoors is actually blind. FML

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Triage

Dementia or hate? You decide

Gruesome

By unholy shit - United States

Today, my parents boarded the fad wagon and became Juggalos. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Beachwood

Today, I saw my long-distance boyfriend for the first time in 8 months. He dumped me on the spot because I was "uglier" than he remembered. FML

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By traitor - United States - Boston

Today, my ex-boyfriend accepted my mother's offer to have his wedding in our backyard. FML

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By Damn - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I was trying to take my shirt off. It was an awkward fit, so I had to basically wrestle it for five minutes. The kicker was that I was giving my boyfriend a striptease. He laughed so hard and for so long that we never had sex. FML

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By Thisismylife - Canada

Today, I had pizza for lunch. Later, I passed out in front of a customer. Now I get to explain to my boss that I fainted on the job because of heartburn. FML

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By tax-man - United States - Chapin

Today, my brother called me, asking if I could help him do his taxes. Since he's a high school and college dropout, I thought all I had to do was a 1040EZ. No, last year he made more than twice what I earn, through self-employment. I have two Master's degrees and work at Burger King. FML

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By Foxy17 - 5/8/2020 05:01

Noisy lover

Today, the new heart medication I take makes it hard for me to get an erection. It also gives me gas. My wife is getting sick of me farting when we're finally able to screw. FML

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By Danny - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I was renovating the house, and my girlfriend asked, "Do you use electrical tape on electrical stuff?" Not knowing where she was going with this, I just gave her a puzzled look. She continued by saying, "Because it's not like people use duct tape on ducks." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a girl who's the whole package: brains, beauty, shared interests, great personality, single, and into me. Too bad I married my bitchy, depressive high school girlfriend who said she'd kill herself if I didn't. Sometimes, she still tells me she'll do it if we divorce. I believe her. FML

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By Decisions6 - Denmark - Aarhus

Testing, testing, 1-2, 1-2

Today, my therapist made me take a test to see what level my depression was at. There was a whole bunch of questions with multiple answers to choose from. One question was, "Do you find it harder to make decisions?" I couldn't decide which answer to pick. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 15:02 - Iraq

Trust

Today, my fiancée a year left me, a week after she told me she’s still talking to her ex. Her excuse for not telling me about this? Because, “You’ll make it a big deal out of it.” FML

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By Cecilly2010

Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML

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By Anon - United States - Toledo

Today, I got into a car accident. The other driver was going so fast that when we hit, our cars positioned themselves to make it look like it was all my fault. He keeps blaming me for everything and the position of the cars doesn't help. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I went to the dentist. My dentist kept talking to me while his hands were in my mouth. I attempted to tell him that it was difficult and dangerous to respond. My talking made him slip and slice my mouth open with one of his instruments. FML

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By Brayden - Australia - Crib Point

Today, the person I was driving behind put their car in reverse and backed straight into me. I was then yelled at and told, "I had my reversing lights on! Why didn't you move?!" FML

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By krisx3ftw - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me on a surprise date, destination unknown. I dressed up, he had a tux on. We went to McDonalds. FML

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By madeyoulaugh - United States

Today, I was watching my 7 year old daughter and her friend jump on our trampoline. I was really impressed by all the flips they were doing, and I told her "Hey! I can't even do that." To that her friend replied " Of course you can't. You're fat!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife went into the bathroom at Walmart. Being almost sure there was no one else in there, I stood around the corner to scare her. As the door opened, I jumped around the corner and scared an innocent woman to so badly she peed herself. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, I told one of my teachers I have to attend a family member's funeral on a day she's passing a test. She straight up asked if I could reschedule it, and if not if I could just give it a miss. FML

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By mus

Today, while walking to my bus stop, I saw a girl slip on black ice, then catch herself, and I laughed because people catching themselves slip are hilarious. I reach the same patch of black ice and go flying, falling on my hip and spilling my coffee all over me. FML

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By Adrian James

Today, I got into a fight with my roommate's girlfriend's best friend. A few hours later, they had me evicted. FML

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By r1has - Pakistan - Rawalpindi

Today, someone spilled ammonium hydroxide in ethanol solution in the lab, which smells like very concentrated urine. Since the experiment involved Bunsen burners, we couldn't turn on the fans. We had to work in a lab that smelled like Satan's piss for 2 hours. FML

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By Kat - United States - Tiverton

Today, my boyfriend got a new tattoo. It was a big tattoo of Pikachu on his hip. I told him now I'd feel like I was having sex with an 8-year-old boy. His defense? "No, no, think of it as having sex with Pikachu!" He still refuses to understand why that's weird. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend was entertaining himself by shoving tampons up his nose and seeing how far across the bed he could blow them. This man is the father of my son. FML

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By Arp - United States

Today, I got an early Valentine's day card. My boyfriend and I recently broke up, and my hopes shot up thinking it might be from him. It wasn't. It was from my parents. FML

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By technodont - United States

Today, my rental car had an automatic rear hatch. That sounded helpful until I used it and it emptied $60 in just-purchased groceries for the week on the parking lot pavement. The jars and jugs weren't ready for the leap. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I let my 9-year-old daughter use my tablet while I made her dinner. A few minutes later, she let out a blood-curdling scream. Turned out she'd searched for My Little Pony pictures and stumbled upon a drawing of Rainbow Dash giving another pony a blowjob. FML

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By marie12 - Belgium

Today, I decided to have dinner with three friends to forget about the painful break up with my boyfriend. The first friend announced that she and her boyfriend had just bought a house, the second one that he was no longer single, and the third one revealed that she was pregnant. FML

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By tstaeger - United States

Today, I tried drinking "Smart Water" for the first time. I couldn't figure out how to open the bottle. FML

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By melean - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, on my way to school I dropped my money. As I turned to pick it up, I saw an old lady snatch it up. We began to argue when a police officer came over. Not only was I accused of being a disorderly thief, but that old lady just walked away with my lunch money for the entire week. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2021 08:02

I guess that's why they call it an intravitreal injection

Today, the eye doctor told me I only had 90% vision on my left eye, and asked if I wanted treatment. Not being terribly bothered by it, I asked what the treatment would consist of. "We'll stick a large needle in your eye, and pump in some medicine." I quickly wished him a pleasant day and left. FML

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By dating a moron - United States - Dearborn

Today, as I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, she started doing stupidly fake moaning, which then went really high-pitched like a little girl's, killing my hard-on. She says she thought that because I'm Japanese-American, I'd only be able to cum if she copied "those Japanese pornstars". FML

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By ooh cat - United States - Inglewood

Today, after weeks of sorting, inspecting, and waiting, my high school's yearbooks were distributed. I'd searched carefully for photo errors and was proud to say there were none. That is, until someone told me that a boy on the last page was flipping the camera the bird. FML

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By demix_fml

Cat vs. pancakes

Today, it's my birthday, I knew I would be on my own, so I brought some pancakes, only to come down and find that not only had my cat eaten them, but also that I’d have to clean his barf up. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By Ryan - United States

Today, I dreamed that I was making out with a cute girl. Just as I was about to take it to the next level, she suddenly burst into tears and said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this." I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

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By Greg - United States

Today, I talked to a girl on the phone who had previously told me her last relationship "ended very badly." I said, "So let me guess, that jerk cheated on you?" She paused for a few moments and finally replied, "No, he died in a motorcycle accident." FML

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By Volunteer - United States - Elwood

Today, I got fired from my volunteer job. FML

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By DogThermoeter

Today, I took my temperature since I've had a cold for a few days. After reading the display, I noticed the sheath had "Lily" written on it. Lily is our golden retriever. It was in her ass yesterday after she had a seizure. FML

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By sicktomystomach - United States

Today, during lunch at school, a wave of nausea came over me. I ran to the bathroom and made it just in time. As I was throwing up, I set off the toilet's automatic flush and my vomit came flying back into my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, Burger King gave me a moldy bun. I noticed 1/5 of the way through the sandwich. My compensation for ingesting mold? A coupon for half-off a Whopper. FML

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Top comments

By CheekyRaccoon | 27

#6588276 - Monday 25 April 2016 16:21

I've heard the expression robbing people blind, but actually robbing the blind of more money than others? In hindsight he never saw it coming.

By WCARlover | 34

#6588274 - Monday 25 April 2016 16:19

There wasn't a cane that was a giveaway? You know what they say about assuming....but really I hope you give him or her some free drinks next time they come in

COMMENTS

By WCARlover | 34

#6588274 - Monday 25 April 2016 16:19

There wasn't a cane that was a giveaway? You know what they say about assuming....but really I hope you give him or her some free drinks next time they come in

By yerawizardlizzy | 27

#6588275 - Monday 25 April 2016 16:19

You know what they say about assuming...

Edit: 1 beat me to it!

By CheekyRaccoon | 27

#6588276 - Monday 25 April 2016 16:21

I've heard the expression robbing people blind, but actually robbing the blind of more money than others? In hindsight he never saw it coming.

Reply

soulebelius | 17

#6588306 - Monday 25 April 2016 17:22

Best fucking comment I've ever read here!! That was like some arrested development type humor there!

By nonsensical | 26

#6588277 - Monday 25 April 2016 16:20

Give him a few drinks "on the house" to make up for it and don't make assumptions about people anymore.

By Zappaz | 32

#6588278 - Monday 25 April 2016 16:21

If I found out I was being overcharged I'd be blinded in anger
I'll see myself out

Reply

gamermonster | 34

#6588323 - Monday 25 April 2016 18:00

Good, we're waiting.

Reply

saxaddict122 | 14

#6588324 - Monday 25 April 2016 18:01

Normally I hate "I'll see myself out" comments but this one actually seems fitting haha

By Tripartita | 44

#6588280 - Monday 25 April 2016 16:23

Overcharging people based on what they wear? You're a class act regardless of whether or not they're blind, OP.

By Arkham_Callabero | 15

#6588282 - Monday 25 April 2016 16:25

And the douchebag of the year goes to :OP

By gearhead369 | 20

#6588284 - Monday 25 April 2016 16:27

Dumbass

By lilchica22001 | 22

#6588288 - Monday 25 April 2016 16:31

Wow....you were a judgemental douche. At least now you know and you can change your ways. And I think you owe that person a few free drinks.

By vikky538 | 28

#6588291 - Monday 25 April 2016 16:39

Of all these days would you ever care to act why that guy is wearing shades?