Work: Today, it's been five days since I started my new job in a new... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 307

You deserved it 78

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 132

You deserved it 1 153

06/02/2016 06:28

Today, it's been five days since I started my new job in a new town, just signed a lease on my new apartment too. Now I find out the company's closing down, and since I'm still on probation, I'm told I'm not entitled to any kind of severance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 530

You deserved it 1 925

Own it

Walk on the wild side

You tried

Observation

By Anonymous - 17/04/2009 05:43

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Right as I was really getting into it, he pauses, frowns, and says, "I think I see the pee hole." FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 555

You deserved it 7 967

15/12/2008 05:36

Today, I wanted to see if the frying pan was hot. I no longer have fingerprints. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 857

You deserved it 57 314

04/02/2011 08:11

Today, I woke up and stepped out of bed right into a pile of dog crap. Acting quickly, I jumped on to my other foot, which would have been a great idea, except for this morning there were two piles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 543

You deserved it 5 944

Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?

By kitty - 11/11/2012 10:10

Today, I watched my neighbor shake cat food calling, "Come here Mollie" at his back door. I then saw my own cat run into his house. I now know why my cat is so fat and never replies to me calling her Bonnie. I guess I'm being cheated on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 952

You deserved it 3 007

05/05/2009 12:22

Today, I overheard my mother and sister talking so I stopped to eavesdrop. I recently enlisted in the Marines, and they were talking about what they would do with the money if I died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 184 558

You deserved it 14 227

06/02/2009 01:30

Today, while my 4 year old nephew was hugging me, he stepped back and declared, "Auntie, my Pee-do is hard, but it will go away." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 297

You deserved it 3 295

Snitches get stitches

By bad sis sad sis - 24/09/2020 02:01

Spicy

Today, I told my mom that I walked in on my sister and her boyfriend having sex. My mom flew into a rage and slapped me several times, calling me a liar and made me apologize to my sister for saying something “so disgusting” about her. I wasn’t lying and she just smirked the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 278

You deserved it 723

17/09/2011 17:21

Today, my ex girlfriend is sleeping over at my house. At some point while she was preparing to dump me, she became best friends with my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 064

You deserved it 2 780

19/02/2011 13:12

Spicy

Today, I was having the best sex with my husband, and right when I reached climax, he shouted "Abracadabra!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 946

You deserved it 7 355

15/07/2013 11:46

Today, after my parents left for the weekend, my "friends" decided to throw a party at my house despite my protests. In order to get them to leave, I called the police. I was the only one arrested, while they got warnings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 698

You deserved it 9 115

Emergency haircut

By Anonymous - 26/06/2020 02:02

Today, I told off my crazy sister-in-law after she made my wife cry for putting on weight during lockdown. Then, as I was sleeping in my armchair, the crazy bitch snuck into the house and cut off every single one of my meter-long dreadlocks. Now I got a BALD HEAD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 173

You deserved it 327

27/07/2013 09:26

Today, I found out why we've had to replace 3 washing machines this year. My sister thinks that "huge capacity" means "load the washing machine until no more clothes will fit." It blows the motor every time. She's 31. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 389

You deserved it 4 142

02/10/2017 10:00

Today, I finished a repair on my trailer. About twenty miles down the road, one of the joints gave out and the whole thing broke on the freeway, scattering lumber and splinters everywhere. The traffic cop called me the worst carpenter in the whole state. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 688

You deserved it 960

15/09/2017 04:30

Today, my husband asked to borrow money. He couldn't pay his half of the rent or utilities this month, but he did manage to buy a $1,700 radio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 363

You deserved it 574

19/02/2009 06:14

Today, I was looking after a hamster for a friend. My dog ate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 879

You deserved it 11 194

16/05/2009 17:34

Today, in class the guy next to me was talking to a girl across the room using gestures to help get across his message. Apparently, pointing at me is the best way to say "ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 363

You deserved it 3 625

25/09/2018 05:00

Today, I replaced the battery in a closet’s electronic keypad door lock, and I accidentally locked myself inside. My family was traveling, so I had to call a neighbor. He got me out, but took pictures and posted to social media. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 533

You deserved it 693

Oh, hi Mark!

By DepressedKid - 01/10/2010 11:31

Today, I found out that no one actually likes me as a friend. They only like me to get answers for school work. How did I find out? They were talking about it in front of me. Apparently I'm also invisible to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 221

You deserved it 3 726

20/11/2017 06:00

Today, I found out that, while not exactly probable, it is definitely possible to squirt yourself in the eye with breast milk. It burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 135

You deserved it 508

22/05/2015 15:55

Today, it was hot out, so I wore shorts. My dad took one look at me and said, "Your thighs are so pale, it's like staring into the sun". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 196

You deserved it 3 285

29/12/2011 12:01

Today, I woke up at midnight crying, stood up to turn on the lights and face-planted into my wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 183

You deserved it 4 954

23/10/2015 18:56

Today, thanks to pregnancy hormones, I cried my eyes out for hours over the guy who dumped me 9 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 474

You deserved it 2 945

27/08/2010 04:06

Today, I realized that it wasn't my science partner that smelled bad, it was me. How? The guy I have a crush on handed me a stick of deodorant and said, "Please use it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 830

You deserved it 36 943

22/12/2014 18:40

Today, I asked my grandpa why he spoils me so much. He told me it's because he truly believes no one else will ever want to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 161

You deserved it 3 202

28/12/2014 13:56

Today, my boss sent me a Word document that he wanted me to make into a PowerPoint presentation for him. It was a set of proposals for the board of directors about cost-saving options. The third option was to eliminate my position in the company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 309

You deserved it 2 176

01/01/2019 11:00

Today, I got rear ended. The guy flashed his lights at me to pull over, so I pulled into the side of the road. He drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 718

You deserved it 177

12/12/2012 15:05

Today, while picking up a birthday cake, I was screamed at by an upset woman for getting special attention from the bakers, and that I was nothing more than an attention-hogging slut. The bakers are my co-workers and I was picking my cake up on my day off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 789

You deserved it 1 931

Bunged up

By Anonymous - 24/04/2021 02:00

Today, as caregiver, I had to physically remove the shit my grandpa had stuck in his rectum, because he doesn't remember how to shit. He barely knows who I am, which is good because when he remembers who he is, he becomes an abusive asshole. I'm 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 078

You deserved it 73

20/01/2009 07:59

Today, the phone rang. I run to get the call, I trip, fall on a metal chair. Tears in my eyes and out of breath I pick up... "Hi, do you have a minute to answer a few questions? It's for a survey." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 956

You deserved it 4 522

13/04/2011 06:15

Today, I was watching TV and started freaking out thinking I forgot to tell my boyfriend happy anniversary. I wrote him a text and after it sent, I realized the date is mine and my ex's anniversary date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 347

You deserved it 56 236

10/01/2013 20:52

Spicy

Today, I was in the elevator, when a big bearded guy stepped in, wearing a dress. It's not an uncommon sight where I live, but my friend cracked up and asked him if he was wearing underwear. He took it as a challenge, and I can safely say that no, he was not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 996

You deserved it 6 748

08/03/2012 07:13

Today, I got burned, all because the toaster scared me while I was holding a pot of boiling water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 428

You deserved it 6 903

Childlike

By Anonymous - 13/04/2021 05:01

Today, I told my brother a story about something I did a couple weeks ago. When I'd finished, he laughed and asked, "What grade were you in when you did that?" I'm 45 years-old and I haven't been in any "grade" since I was 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 657

You deserved it 219

03/03/2009 22:14

Spicy

Today, my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. She's sending me to bible camp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 919

You deserved it 27 565

12/06/2019 16:00

Today, I did the best at-home manicure I’ve ever had. I took my time and it looked like it was done professionally. As soon as I put on the top coat and waited for it to dry, my stomach rumbled and I had to run to take a dump. The polish smeared everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 557

You deserved it 332

10/03/2012 23:37

Today, my mother screamed and swore at me because I said I was looking to move out soon. Apparently, the idea of me moving out at 27 and her getting a job to pay her own way is devastating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 272

You deserved it 2 956

05/12/2014 21:00

Today, I woke up feeling awful and decided to make myself a nice egg omelette with bacon, toast and fresh fruit. As I went to eat it, I stubbed my toe and dropped it all on the floor. My dogs were very happy about that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 397

You deserved it 3 353

29/03/2011 17:12

Today, I walked into a room, where a guy was violently picking his nose. He kept picking. A very pretty girl walked in after me, and he immediately stopped and sat up straight. Apparently, I'm too ugly to motivate strangers to stop excavating their nasal cavities. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 709

You deserved it 5 397

27/12/2016 07:32

Today, my friend invited me, his girlfriend, and the girl I like over to his house to hang out. We hoped it would get me closer to my crush. The day ended with them having a threesome and me locked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 877

You deserved it 930

07/05/2015 15:45

Today, I was out with my youngest cousin and we had to stop for gas. Since he just got his license, I asked if he wanted to pump the gas while I went into the station to get snacks and pay. He pumped my car full of diesel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 617

You deserved it 7 154

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Sunday 7 February 2016 6:11

Dude that sucks. Shouldnt they have alerted you of that before you moved into the apartment there?

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Sunday 7 February 2016 6:10

That sucks man, best of luck getting a new job soon though!

Comments

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Sunday 7 February 2016 6:10

That sucks man, best of luck getting a new job soon though!

idefka 34

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Sunday 7 February 2016 6:11

That really sucks OP, You can always find a new job, but still. Good Luck.

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Sunday 7 February 2016 6:11

Dude that sucks. Shouldnt they have alerted you of that before you moved into the apartment there?

Brandi_Faith 33

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Sunday 7 February 2016 7:21

I can't believe they hired op if they obviously knew they were having such trouble! It's so inconsiderate of them to have hired you while knowing they're having major difficulties, but having you move out of town for this job on top of it all is just insane! I'm so mad for you! I would try talking to a lawyer about this. Yes you were only on probation but they hired you and had you move for this job, even though they knew they were having major financial difficulties. Maybe there's nothing that can be done, but maybe there is. I'd ask a lawyer just to see. So sorry op. This is one of the most frustrating fml's I've ever read. I'm actually mad for you!

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Sunday 7 February 2016 6:13

Wow. Some company... Sorry, OP

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Sunday 7 February 2016 6:13

That stinks. Hope you get a job very soon.

anonymous198913 26

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Sunday 7 February 2016 6:22

I'm sorry OP. Hope everything works out!

aggievillelover 8

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Sunday 7 February 2016 6:24

Think of the poor talent scout. How do you approach someone with a job opportunity as a fart porn actor/actress!?

jessmakesamess 9

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Sunday 7 February 2016 6:38

wtf does that have to do with anything?

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Sunday 7 February 2016 6:44

Wrong FML

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Sunday 7 February 2016 7:42

Unless it isn't, and these two are more connected than you think.

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Sunday 7 February 2016 6:29

You will find a new job!

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Sunday 7 February 2016 6:33

I'm finally here early enough to comment something funny but I just don't know what to say. FML

darthdeatheater 12

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Sunday 7 February 2016 6:36

Sue. When in doubt sue

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Sunday 7 February 2016 13:17

Okay, FineBros.

MonstreBelle 28

Sunday 7 February 2016 13:38

What did Sue ever do to you?! She's a nice lady!

caggybandicoot 34

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Sunday 7 February 2016 14:09

No, no, they're saying "When in doubt, Sue!" - meaning you must act like Sue, as she's a top-class lady. Phew, glad I cleared that up!