Work: Today, in the toilet at work, I found that the scissors on my...

By This sucks

Today, in the toilet at work, I found that the scissors on my multitool are quite good at getting rid of a shit-stained shirttail. FML

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Work

The smell detective is on the case

There's no helping some people

Can they do that?

By Anonymous - 22/10/2020 17:01

Creepy idea, dude

Today, I finally found a way to lesser the loneliness in my life. During at least one work or school zoom meeting a day, I "pin" a random female attendee's screen. That way, I can pretend we're staring into each others eyes the whole time. FML

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390

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By notliked - United States

Today, on facebook, I realized I had over 500 friends. I told my one friend and she changed her status to "How can Dan have over 500 facebook friends? Nobody even likes him" there were 42 likes, and twenty comments that said "agreed." FML

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By Emily - 7/6/2020 20:08

What's the point?

Today, whilst doing training as a mental health nurse, our glorified pineapple of a lecturer told us that trying to stop patients wanting to commit suicide isn't a possibility. So, what the hell are we training for? FML

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1346

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By bibou2324

Today, during my first day as a doctor’s intern, I attended a consultation. The embarrassed patient asked me to leave. Not really knowing my way around, I went through the first door I could find. By the time I realized it was a closet, I didn’t dare come back out. Twenty minutes is a long time to wait. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clifton

Today, I locked my keys in my car. Good thing I went to Lowe's to make spares, which are also now locked in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2020 23:01

Running late

Today, my in-laws missed a special event for my newborn child because they were running an hour late. They always run late and always think its funny. After 15 years, it's just not funny anymore. FML

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By MyPrecious... - Australia - Sydney

Today, I thought the ring my boyfriend bought for me had fallen off while emptying the trash into the bin. After panicking and emptying a week's worth of rubbish onto the ground, I found my ring safe and sound. On my other hand. FML

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20776

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my grandfather was counting all the grandchildren he had and saying how fortunate he was to have all of us. When I pointed out that he'd forgotten to count me, he turned and said "You're adopted, you don't count as a real grandchild" FML

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93103

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By SlowPacker - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my family informed me that we were going on a 10 hour road trip to my cousin's wedding. They only decided to tell me 45 minutes before we left for said road trip. FML

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19690

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By Username - United States

Today, my mom tried to sell me a bag of rice, with "Cocaine" written on the side of it in sharpie pen. In exchange for my soul. FML

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39290

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By StopMe

What are you doing?

Today, I went to a hobby lobby with the director of the play my daughter is in. He leaned in to grab a bottle of blue paint, and I mistook it for a hug. When he looked perplexed, I hugged him again, this time jumping in celebration of finding the blue paint. FML

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1407

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501

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By TerribleAddiction - United States

Today, I decided to quit smoking. My wife conveniently decided on the same day that she was going to start smoking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31384

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By kylie - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were in my backyard goofing around when he tried to pick me up. He couldn't. I jokingly tried to lift him. I did so without much effort. FML

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33391

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By WasteOfOxygen08

Crockery story

Today, I woke up and headed downstairs ready to do the dishes, when my mom hissed at me to, “go do the dishes!” As I was washing them, my mom stood over me the whole time. She eventually said, “You know, it’s pretty fucking sad that I still have to tell you to do these things.” FML

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1743

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my family and I were coming back from a trip to the US. As we reached the border patrol we realized that we were one passport short. The border patrol lectured us for 30 minutes about how irresponsible we were for not realizing that they had forgotten to give us one of our passports back. FML

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42954

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By random - Canada

Today, I was approached by a police officer who instructed me to move because I was "threatening the elderly". I was sitting on a park bench in front of an old folks home. FML

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33381

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By Username

Today, I saw a firework show. In my kitchen. When my stove blew up. FML

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36002

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4425

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By Username - Japan

Today, I quit my job and sent a mass mail on Facebook that I was moving to a different state with my long time boyfriend. He called me later that night to tell me we aren't moving after all. Now we are both jobless with loads of bills to pay by the end of the month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32658

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By ilovepancakes - United States - Rolling Meadows

Today, after talking to the man whose car I scratched, we agreed that the damages and cost of repair were so low and instead of me paying I just buy him coffee. When I showed up he saw me, decided I was too ugly to have coffee with, and instead demanded full payment in cash. FML

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14103

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By Losamus

Nice first impression.

Today, I didn't know I had a pill stuck in my throat until I coughed and it flew across the table, narrowly missing the weird guy sitting across from me in the break room. Turns out that weird guy is my new supervisor. FML

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2625

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, after returning to the UK from my Australian holiday, I was fired from my job for no reason. My boss told me he'd waited till I'd returned to do it. I could have stayed in Australia with my mates traveling for a year if I had been fired before I left. I'm sure he did it on purpose. FML

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34787

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By notsohappy - United States

Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing." FML

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By ribx - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, despite feeling healthier than ever, losing fat, gaining muscle and having perfect blood results, my morbidly obese relatives keep telling me that my new vegan diet is "unhealthy". FML

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11670

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By BeanThereRuinedThat

Bean.

Today, my partner proposed to me during an anniversary dinner at a small, quiet Italian restaurant near where we live. We'd never been before, but the food was great, and the staff lovely. It all would have been perfect, if not for the dozens of pictures of Mr. Bean which covered every wall. FML

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4271

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By Anonymous - United States - Pompton Plains

Today, I got home from work and found my girlfriend waiting for me in some skimpy lingerie. She ended up pushing me onto the bed, and as I lay there, expecting to be pleasured, she pulled out a pair of adult-sized footsie pajamas and dressed me in them. FML

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64805

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By AnonUser464 - United States

Today, my boss called me over to his office; he wanted me to fire four hardworking employees. One of them was the girl I was going to ask out. FML

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42422

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By grounded. - United States

Today, I'm a 25-year-old married woman and I'm currently living with my grandfather to take care of him. Today, he grounded me. FML

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32994

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By JLO - Australia

Today, I noticed that a picture of me on my Mum and Dad's wall looked different. On closer inspection, I realised they'd recently painted over my teeth with white paint. I asked them why, and they said they looked 'discoloured'. It's my wedding photo. FML

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29850

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By OhWait - United States - Schenectady

Today, after six weeks of dealing with various exterminators, my roommate and I were about to toast to what we were told was a wasp-free room. That's when we noticed several much smaller wasps flying around. Not only is our wasp problem not solved, but our room is a wasp breeding ground. FML

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22951

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By Sed4life - 12/3/2021 05:01

Lockdown blues

Today, I realized just how small and boring my life has become when the highlight of my week was an "epic quest" to the edge of the lockdown limit, to visit the only store with my favorite toothpaste. They didn't even have any in stock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

737

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115

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By Pissed - United States - Newton Center

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. My dad noticed my depression and got me to tell him what was wrong. I told him everything, and trusting him to have an intelligent suggestion, I asked him what I should do. He shrugged and said, "Fuck, sue him, I dunno." FML

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24478

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By iprobablyhaveherpes - Australia

Today, I was casually looking through my girlfriend's phone while she got ready, though she made me promise not to. To my confusion, I discovered that she had me listed as 'Saturday' in her contacts. There was also a Thursday, Friday and Sunday listed. I only ever see her on Saturdays. FML

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48881

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By Anonymous - Australia

Jaws

Today, I was violently sick. There was so much vomit forcing itself out that I dislocated my jaw. I continued throwing up with a dislocated jaw for an hour or so. FML

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2037

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By GeeThanks - Canada - Toronto

Today, a drunk dude walked up to me and said, "You're ugly as fuck." His sober friend quickly apologized and explained that he was wasted, before looking me up and down and adding "Well, not completely, I guess." FML

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51427

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By megean c.l. - United States

Today, my dad was making drinks for my mom and himself, so I asked him to make me some coffee too. When he brought me my drink, I took a sip, and realized he'd poured salt in it. As I gagged, he muttered, "Next time, make it yourself." FML

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33734

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By Parent - United States - Elkhart

Today, being a divorced dad, I had a very important job opportunity for which I would be gone overnight. When I returned, I found my son locked in his room while the babysitter was having sex with a man in my bed. FML

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6686

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By amaze

Today, I discovered just how picky my son is. In addition to understandably not eating vegetables, he also doesn’t eat chicken fingers, pizza, or ice cream, along with several other foods I assumed all kids love. FML

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1524

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By StewPit - United States

Today, I was eating some left over Easter peanut MandMs at work, when I exclaimed "oh cool, they have E's on them for Easter". It took me a couple of minutes, but I eventually realized that I was looking at a regular MandM sideways. Definitely explains my coworkers' uncontrollable laughter. FML

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15226

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while running late to my sister's wedding and rushing to get ready, I accidentally grabbed my travel size shaving cream can in place of my body spray, and quickly drew a blue foaming line across my rental tux. FML

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30920

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By EternalBlossom - United States

Today, I had decided that I was ready to have sex with my boyfriend. So, I called him and told him how naughty I felt, only to realize that I had called my dad. FML

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28430

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Top comments

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7551228 - Wednesday 11 October 2017 6:52

In the future, remember to take off your shirt before you use it to wipe your ass with it, or carry extra Kleenex with you.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7551217 - Wednesday 11 October 2017 5:51

Too bad you didn’t spring for the deluxe version of the multi-tool that includes a butt plug. You coulda saved your shirt!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7551217 - Wednesday 11 October 2017 5:51

Too bad you didn’t spring for the deluxe version of the multi-tool that includes a butt plug. You coulda saved your shirt!

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7551228 - Wednesday 11 October 2017 6:52

In the future, remember to take off your shirt before you use it to wipe your ass with it, or carry extra Kleenex with you.

Seeya55 | 31

#7551491 - Wednesday 11 October 2017 19:02

This doesn't make any sense, he doesn't want more shit on it, he wants no shit at all. Nice try though!

By ProperPengTing | 15

#7551230 - Wednesday 11 October 2017 7:08

Nothing healthy about any

By EnvyMe33 | 26

#7551260 - Wednesday 11 October 2017 8:32

If you quit shitting your pants then you wouldn’t have this happen to you

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7551396 - Wednesday 11 October 2017 15:05

I'll admit that when I first read this FML, I thought "multitool" was some kind of innuendo.

By sweetbliss3 | 37

#7552025 - Friday 13 October 2017 3:41

uhh. you're how old and don't know how to wipe your ass yet?