Calculating Tax and Tip

Today, I tried on a new perfume. When my boyfriend hugged me, he commented that I smelled like his mom. I don't know who was more surprised by the simultaneous bulge in his pants. FML

Ant life

Mind your own beeswax

Reliable

By Uncomfortable - 17/5/2013 07:21

62591

5289

Today, I woke up late for a very important presentation. I got dressed but forgot to wear a bra. During the presentation, I bent down to adjust a shoe strap. I rose to find that the thin straps of my blouse snapped and exposed my breasts. I gave a great presentation and a titty show. FML

By exposed - 15/3/2010 06:35 - United States

16661

35439

Today, some of my coworkers have complained that I don't do my share of the work, though they can't specify exactly what I'm not getting done. Apparently, being too efficient and finishing first means I mustn't have done anything at all. The supervisor sided with them. FML

By 2fast4U - 21/3/2016 10:00 - Canada - Vancouver

22343

1566

Today, the cops were called to my apartment because my daughter had a temper tantrum while I was at work. She was naked when they were there. FML

By "QueenCortana Tiffany Turner" - 7/2/2020 14:00

Temper tantrum

2080

250

Today, when I realized I'd forgot rice on the stove, I jumped off my chair and pulled off my headphones really fast. Now I've got burnt rice and broken headphones. FML

By BurntBroken - 9/1/2017 13:16

4311

1449

Today, while walking home with my mom, some unoriginal cockshart in a passing car yelled at me: "Fuck her in the pussy!" It was a long, awkward walk home after that. FML

By Anonymous - 30/11/2014 01:38 - United States - Houston

32980

2949

Today, I finally told my roommate, who doesn't pay rent, to go get a job. He left, came back, and immediately went to my refrigerator to eat. I asked him about his job and what his pay is. Apparently, putting together a bike for a kid is a job. FML

By hunterjumper1212 - 24/5/2012 07:41 - United States - San Rafael

22184

2849

Today, I had to look at my positive eBay feedback to feel loved. FML

By Anon. - 28/11/2009 12:22 - United Kingdom

35936

6195

Today, I had to go to my 10 year old son's school to talk about my job being a chef. As I was almost finished, I asked the kids "What would you like to do when you grow up?" Without hesitation one kid replied with a straight face , "Anything but being a douchebag like you." FML

By helen_ - 23/4/2009 15:51 - United States

65207

6004

Today, I decided to do naked yoga in my lounge room, as I always do. Later, I found a note on my front door saying "Keep doing what you're doing". FML

By jenpearl - 20/6/2015 01:06 - Australia

27916

9136

Today, it was lovely outside so I decided to tan outside. I burn pretty easily, so I put on sunscreen. I fell asleep on my side, so when I woke up, I had a massive burn on only one side of my body, with sunglass lines. Tomorrow, I have a job interview. I'm going to go in looking like a racoon. FML

By racoonface - 19/4/2009 15:17 - United States

16619

54526

Today, my wife kicked me out of my own bed to go and sleep on the sofa because the dog was whining, and would only stop if she was allowed to sleep on my side of the bed. My wife would rather sleep with the dog than me. FML

By Anonymous - 10/5/2019 04:00

1714

301

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting pretty hot and heavy, and then he said, "Lets pretend you are someone else." FML

By somebodyelse - 17/8/2009 05:13 - United States

58651

5474

Today, I screamed at a taxi driver to not run over a hedgehog. He got a fright and ended up pulling over. I hopped out and ran to the middle of the road to pick up the hedgehog and leave him on the grass by the path. As I got closer and went to pick up said hedgehog, I realised it was a pinecone. FML

By simpleasjam - 19/9/2016 14:27 - United Kingdom - Worcester Park

9108

6619

Today, our band had a road trip. Two people chose to stack themselves on top of each other to share a seat rather than sit in the last seat next to me. FML

By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 04:17 - United States - Richardson

30922

3271

Today, while I was on a field trip with my son, my husband decided to get rid of our dog without asking anyone. Now I get to pick up the pieces of a broken heart, and he thinks he did nothing wrong. FML

By yolonono - 4/12/2014 18:30 - United States - San Francisco

37750

2993

Today, I gave a carpet shampooing demonstration in a stranger's home. To my surprise, the white expensive carpet was dyed grey due to something in the solution. The owner held me hostage in her house by barracading the door until my manager got there. FML

By Anonymous - 13/6/2009 19:47 - United States

49436

8991

Today, while cleaning out my garage, I found a pregnant spider. I couldn't step on the spider without releasing the baby spiders, so I went inside to get a glass jar to trap it. While trying to relocate the spider, I accidentally stepped on it. I now have a bunch of baby spiders roaming around. FML

By Anonymous - 31/10/2010 04:25 - United States

29534

7142

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend when I noticed a hickey near her hip. I said, "wow, last night was crazy, I don't even remember doing that!". Without even interrupting the action, she simply said, "You didn't". FML

By tehhotness - 27/3/2009 14:13 - United States

102494

6749

Today, after 4 months of no family contact while deployed in the military, I receive an email from my mother. Attached was a picture of a toilet full of green shit, with a message from my mom saying, "Seen neon poo before? Thought I would share!" FML

By btchzloveit - 29/9/2011 12:27 - United States

31161

2382

Today, I met my girlfriend's extended family for the first time. Her family kept telling her how much I looked and acted like her older brother and I'm guessing by the end of the day she agreed because now she pulls away and gags when I try to kiss her. FML

By BFfail - 15/8/2012 01:14 - United States

52841

2732

Today, I was on a first date. She asked what I do, so I replied "I create adverts." She then yelled, "F**k you" and left. FML

By James C - 18/4/2012 08:48 - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

25177

4573

Today, my dad had a little too much to drink. When he's that drunk, he likes to pepper me with a lot of random questions. He asked if I've ever tried hard drugs, and if I want to die. I answered no to both of the questions, and he demanded to know why not. FML

By yeah why not - 6/4/2013 17:06 - Norway

34691

2965

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a basketball game. A very pretty woman sat next to him. During the third quarter, the kiss cam came on. But it didn't show him and me, it showed him and the other girl. And they kissed. FML

By jordyn173 - 8/4/2012 03:19 - United States - Oklahoma City

50552

3570

Today, I fell asleep on the train and accidentally wound up resting my head on a strange man's shoulder. When I woke up, I discovered that not only did he not object, but he decided to return the favor by resting his hand on my thigh. I was wearing a skirt. FML

By Violated - 9/12/2009 08:47 - United States

13741

19090

Today, after a year of suspicion, I finally found out my sister is in a cult. My family's response? "It will be good for her." FML

By allycat - 25/7/2011 03:26 - United States

32457

2680

Today, I was at my bf's house (we are long distance, about 5 hours apart). I found an entire drawer of another woman's clothing and belongings. He told me that they were his ex's, but I don't believe him. I thought he was the love of my life and I'm realizing I'm just his side piece. FML

By madafgf - 17/8/2017 04:30

4575

527

Today, my husband managed to set fire to half of our garden setting up mosquito repellents. FML

By how - 25/7/2013 04:10 - United States - Crozier

41042

3365

Today, I got my wisdom teeth pulled. My usually detached and unromantic boyfriend rushed right over after work with flowers and movies. A little while later, he admitted excitedly that he'd heard the numbing medication also works on gag reflexes and wanted to test the theory. FML

By Numb - 11/4/2011 19:27 - United States

50284

7011

Today, I quit smoking cigarettes. While driving to work, the car in front of me flicked his out the window, flying straight into mine. It set the bottom of my seat on fire. FML

By - 22/1/2017 18:00

7282

534

Today, I learned that my roommate doesn't actually know a damn thing about cooking. I'm suffering the effects of him telling me that chicken is best eaten medium-rare. FML

By Ralph - 4/4/2012 03:02 - United States - Candler

23128

13249

Today, my previously blond boyfriend dyed his hair dark brown and shaved his beard. When he got home, I thought he was an intruder and screamed. Now he thinks I don't love him because I didn't recognize him. FML

By swip - 29/7/2018 20:30

3810

575

Today, my 15 year old daughter got kicked out of her cheerleading squad because she was overweight. I heard one of the cheerleaders say, "She must be overweight because her mom is." FML

By fatty:( - 15/4/2011 09:30 - Australia

43270

13792

Today, while giving my boyfriend what I thought was an amazing blow job, he asked me if I'd seen Kung Fu Panda 3 yet. FML

By Annoyed - 15/1/2017 18:00

7874

1662

Today, a number of people came to visit me in the hospital, including my grandparents. They called me "weak" and "a cowardly millennial" for going to the ER instead of sucking it up, and blamed me for rising healthcare costs. I had a compound fracture. FML

By Theslacker... - 9/11/2017 16:00 - United States - Coplay

4160

264

Today, I finally told my boyfriend that he's not very good at dirty talk. He does it every time we have sex and it always turns me off. He started crying. FML

By Nicole - 13/12/2014 15:20 - United States

40137

7221

Today, my boyfriend said he felt like eating icing. So I baked him cupcakes, put icing on them and decorated them. When I handed them to him, he picked off the decoration, licked the icing and handed the cupcake back to me, saying, "I told you that's all I wanted." FML

By Cupcakes - 15/4/2013 05:11 - Australia - Queanbeyan

27529

53307

Today, I got the ending to Breaking Bad spoiled for me by a cashier while I was buying the final season box-set. FML

By nemesis5196523 - 3/12/2013 19:45 - United States - Ogden

46768

4245

Today, I texted the hottest girl in the school saying, "I really like you, we should date". She responded with a text saying, "Sorry, I'm not into you." I then got a text saying, "Sorry, my brother stole my phone, and answered, but still it's no". I got rejected twice. Once by a man. FML

By misterhippo - 22/4/2009 04:09 - United States

64525

12171

Today, in an attempt to support and encourage my efforts in getting a new job, my boyfriend said, "Imagine having triple what's in your bank account right now!" Triple what's in my bank account right now would be exactly $38.94. FML

By Stargirl - 28/2/2017 07:00 - United States - Modesto

5923

706