Calculating Tax and Tip

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because she apparently saw me making out with her sister. She doesn't even have a sister. FML

Serious times

Double trouble

Show me where it hurts

By Anonymous - United States - Coatesville

55353

4665

Today, I found out I have genital herpes. I'm a virgin. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

59212

5712

Today, I confessed my feelings to the girl I've been in love with for three years. Her response was to well up, start crying, and ask me why I had to have chosen her. FML

By Oraashi - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

30142

2863

Today, I got a call from the only company that asked me to come in for an interview of the many applications I submitted. I answered it even though I was at my current job. My boss heard and chewed me out. The call was to cancel the interview since the position was filled. FML

By gonnabeunemployed

8977

1690

Today, I showed my father a nice sweatshirt online, hoping he would take the hint and get it for me. He did, three sizes larger than mine, for himself. FML

By SkottLong - United States - Logan

30243

8333

Today, when my roommate asked me what was wrong, I told him that something I ate was making me feel sick. He works 10+ hours a day, and I didn't have the heart to tell him that the putrid smell of his feet was making me nauseous. FML

By jitterbug - United States - Salt Lake City

32651

4716

Today, I kissed my girlfriend. She threw up in my mouth. FML

By Anonymous - United States

55793

6660

Today, my girlfriend thought she was stronger than me so we arm wrestled. She won. I used both hands. FML

By looke27 - United States

14215

37407

Today, I tried to pick up two girls by asking them what time it was. They burst out laughing. FML

By SweeT

17899

55000

Today, after getting my appendix taken out, we had to drive over five sets of railroad tracks. Then, my four year old brother decided to punch me in the stomach because, "I took away his mommy for two days." FML

By cduttl1230 - United States

46970

3318

Today, I’ve been single for 6 and a half years. It was fun for a while, but now it’s just sad. FML

By Anonymous - 11/12/2020 05:02

Actually…

693

122

Today, I told the man I'm sleeping with I thought my sister was prettier than me. His response: "not significantly." FML

By xyz - Ireland

17768

30631

Today, I asked my husband to tell me something nice about myself. He thought for a few moments, then said, "Uh, you shit quietly." FML

By ugh thanks - United States - Dayton

46406

6710

Today, I have to take time off from work to take part in an intervention because my sister's obsession with the guy from Harry Potter has crossed over into illegality. FML

By LeaveHimAlone - United States - Elkridge

43401

3444

Today, I had two 100's and two singles in my wallet. The two 100's was for my electric bill and the two singles were for the bus. Once I got off the bus and to the electric company, I noticed only my singles were there. Turns out I paid the bus driver $200. FML

By Anonymous - United States

18014

40308

Today, I found out my son told his teachers that I make his brother Tom sleep on the floor, make him stay out of the house for long periods of time, and don't let him use the toilet. Tom is actually our cat. FML

By Bad Mother - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

26875

1884

Today, after ranting to my best friend about how all our friends are having kids and how teenage pregnancy will ruin their lives, she announced to me that she's pregnant. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

29565

7294

Today, my 21-year-old girlfriend finally got the courage to tell her mom that she wanted to move in with me. It turns out she was right to be afraid; during the talk, her mother yelled at us, calling her a slut and saying she was too young to be "shacking up with some guy." FML

By MonsterInLaw - United States - Lincoln

47076

6047

Today, I walked in on my mom blow-drying my grinning dad's pubes. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Canyon Country

36129

4549

Today, the elevator broke in my dorm and won't be fixed for several days. I live on the 26th floor. FML

By flimflam - United States

42645

3848

Today, I got written up because apparently leaning on the counter at work is unprofessional, even if you're about to pass out and the counter is the only thing keeping you on your feet. FML

By kaybear13 - United States - San Mateo

25458

2371

Today, my husband told me that he's letting his mother move in with us. He told her it was alright without even consulting me first. I hate my mother-in-law so much that I'm contemplating divorce rather than living with her. FML

By kayt240 - Canada

47189

8066

Today, I called security at my school because I left my mittens in a classroom and it was locked. When the security officer showed up, he asked if the mittens I was looking for were the ones on my hands. I even had to take one of them off to call them. FML

By swarm20 - United States - Mankato

10470

52258

Today, my 70-year-old coworker managed to do something to our shared computer for it to not boot up. This is our 4th computer since we've been working together, and he refuses to believe that he's the problem. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Odem

20818

1435

Today, I went to meet my girlfriend's parents at her sister's play. The moment I introduced myself, I realized that her father was my probation officer. FML

By fernie vazquez - United States - San Francisco

36266

20427

Today, I got to see my fiancé for the first time in 3 months. While we were having sex for the first time, he slipped out and slammed into the back of my vagina, tearing it open. Now I won't stop bleeding, it hurts to pee, and we can't have sex. I won't see him for another 2 months after this. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Tallahassee

4751

440

Today, I came home to find my mom in my apartment packing my things and crying. When she saw me she threw her arms around me and explained through her tears that she caught my girlfriend cheating on me and that she was sorry. My girlfriend and I are in an open relationship. I had to explain that. FML

By Anonymous

5629

2375

Today, I had a job interview. I have major OCD, and I had to sit in a room with a man covered in cat hair, struggling to even survive for an hour and a half. FML

By toryzhere - Canada

22380

3955

Today, my husband and I bought a new swing for our front porch. We put it together and sat down to enjoy our accomplishment. 5 minutes into our swing I threw up several times. I have really bad motion sickness, and apparently a swing is no exception. FML

By kacie smith - United States - Youngsville

22622

3701

Today, I was walking to school with my earphones in, when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I was shocked, and whirled around to hit him in the crotch. I soon realized he was just trying to return the commuter pass I'd dropped at the station. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Metairie

7554

34113

Today, I decided to save a few bucks and let my mother cut my hair. I then had to wait in the hospital for attention due to the fact that she cut the tip of my ear off. FML

By thejbarrick50 - United States - Bergen

29046

4770

Today, I went to the movies with my husband and our 6-year-old son. My husband kept stealing popcorn from the guy next to him, to the point where the guy punched him in the face. The movie was stopped, the police were called, and my son is now inconsolable. FML

By Anonymous - Iceland - Reykjav

50659

5769

Today, I was shaving my left armpit when I cut myself badly. I wondered whether or not it would be safe to shave my right armpit, then reasoned that it couldn’t possibly happen twice. It did. FML

By Anonymous - Australia

17151

27867

Today, I learned that my boyfriend has narcolepsy when we were having sex and he passed out on top of me. FML

By Anonymous - United States

Hello? Hello?

31424

4067

Today, I found out that my girlfriend had replaced our picture in her locket for a picture of Taylor Lautner shirtless. FML

By Twilightsux - United States

38159

6108

Today, my boss/husband fired me from my job because I didn't sleep with him last night. FML

By Liz - United States - Torrance

24178

3567

Today, I was on the train ride home from a trip to Florida, and I gave my mom a call. While we talked, I made an offhand comment that all my friends back home must miss me. She knowingly asked if I meant my Sims and my cat. FML

By lyla - United States

24278

5207

Today, I picked up a penny off the street for good luck on my job interview. A few seconds later, a hobo beat me up, took my wallet, and ran off. The whole ordeal made me late for the interview. So much for good luck. FML

By hobosarea-holes - United States

31142

3741

Today, I was volunteering at the library. A kid came up and asked me to help him peel the back off his sticker. It took me so long the kid left. Determined, I still tried to peel it off. Fifteen minutes later, the librarian came over, looked once at it, and told me it wasn't a sticker. FML

By librarygirl - United States

12140

41748

Today, while eating a BLT sandwich, I unexpectedly sneezed a lump of bacon up the back of my nose. It has just taken 6 hours of unpleasantness to snort the lump back out. Not how I wanted to spend my day off. FML

By Snuffles

1847

210