Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up to find some really weird stuff in my bed. We...

By Dlpnlvr85 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I woke up to find some really weird stuff in my bed. We just got back from vacation in Florida, and my husband burned really bad. I woke up to his peeled off skin all over my face. FML

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Miscellaneous

Messed up

Bustin' my ass

Poker Face

By runner - United States

Run run run

Today, I went for a run in a new pair of shoes that left me with huge blisters. As I finished cleaning them up so they could heal, I limped to my bed to take a nap. I was woken by the fire alarm. My building was having a drill and we couldn't use the elevators. I live on the 9th floor. FML

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By SadOldBag - United States - Estero

Today, I received the gifts of my period, diarrhea, severe dizziness and double vision, and an ant infestation in my home. These were followed by the glaring absence of any gifts from my husband. Happy 40th to me. FML

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3087

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By krfenton8

Today, I had a bad feeling about walking to work because of the weather. Instead, I drove. My car slid on the ice and I created a four-car pile up. All three of the other people involved have decided to sue me. I should've walked. FML

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By A-train - 13/9/2020 08:01 - United States - Wellesley Hills

Not now, mom

Today, it was supposed to be my wedding day. This is the second time we've had to postpone it. The first was due to COVID, this time the sudden passing of my fiance's mother. FML

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1502

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By Unluggee - United Kingdom

Today, at a party, my three friends and I thought it would be fun to urinate in a jug. We dislike the neighbours, so decided to throw the contents of the jug over the fence into their garden. It hit a tree and splashed back. I ended up covered in our piss. FML

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By sad child - United States

Today, I went to my doctor for a check-up. It started with the doctor lifting my shirt up to check my heartbeat, and ended with my gran starting a fistfight over his "perverted ways." FML

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By Lyn - United States

Today, I'm supposed to start my new job as a Crime Scene Tech. Instead, I managed to electrocute myself with my hairdryer. I'll now have to attempt to explain to them that I really am qualified to safely operate an electrostatic lifting device, and other expensive equipment. FML

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By traveling

Today, I arrived in Germany for a summer-long stay. The family I'm supposed to stay with had said they spoke fluent English. They don't. I don't speak German. It's going to be a quiet two months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me to dinner. There was a beautifully decorated table with rose petals and a huge bouquet and he told me he had ordered all this for me. I'd never felt so special. That is, until I had to get up for the couple whose table it actually was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked out one of the girls that hangs out in my group of friends (the same group I have been hanging out for three years). She stared at me for a couple of seconds then said " who the hell are you?" FML

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By anon

Today, I had to explain to someone in my class who Gandhi really was and that he was not a fictional goblin. FML

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22550

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By Anonymous - Australia

Bored

Today, I caught myself thinking about what to cook for dinner tonight. During sex. FML

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31249

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By mom

Today, after it appeared my daughter was throwing away any vegetables in her school lunch, I packed her all vegetables so she would have to eat at least one. Nope! She threw them out and complained to school that "mommy doesn't feed" her. I got a call from the school. FML

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4294

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By funkmylife69

Mr. Smooth

Today, I made out with the guy I've had a huge crush on for the first time. He wrapped his arms around me, and whispered softly into my ear, "I can't wait to bone you." FML

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1487

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By failure - Australia

Today, I rang my girlfriend to make sure she made it home alright. She told me to check my facebook. Nothing was different so I hit refresh. We were no longer in a relationship. I got dumped via facebook whilst on the phone to her. FML

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37896

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By theboy6494 - United States

Today, I came home early from business trip in Paris, I bought an engagement ring. I was going to take my girlfriend of 2 years out and propose to her. I sneak into my house as a surprise and she's having it off with another man. Now I have a ring that I can only return in France. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was driving my dad, who recently turned 50, to the store and had to listen to him go on and on that he’s having to accept that, as my siblings and I get older and are more independent, he’s having to transition from "sex god to just a dad." I don't know either. FML

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1941

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By Anonymous - United States - Harbor City

Today, my 70-year-old boss asked me to order sexy lingerie she saw on the cover a magazine. FML

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7217

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602

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By ballbreath - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, I woke up to my dog jumping on my bed and licking me all over. It would've been fine, if I hadn't woken the first time a few minutes earlier to the sight of him going to town on his balls. FML

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38727

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By Anonymous - United States - Helena

Today, I was talking to an old man I met at a store. He just wanted to know a few things, and he asked about my day. I explained a few bad things that'd happened, then I thanked him for listening. He then asked, "So, how are we gonna do this?" He thought we were gonna fuck. FML

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30746

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By broken - Saudi Arabia

Today, my family and I were just about to leave the house for the vacation that I had been saving up for 3 years. I was coming down the stairs with a heavy suitcase and I tripped and fell breaking my leg, now my family's gone without me while I'm in hospital. I paid for the vacation. FML

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59494

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By Lana - Austria

Today, while sitting at my desk at work, a co-worker asked for my help. It was only after I had walked over to his desk, bent over, answered his question, and walked back to my stall, that I felt a breeze. My tube top had slid down across my breasts, revealing my bra to the entire office. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my 13 year old fishing off the pier for dogfish. The only thing he caught was a piece of my ear. FML

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42567

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By hatty - United Kingdom

Today, I had my car valeted at my hotel. The manager came out, took my keys, and said the car would be waiting for me in an hour. I was then forced to watch from the lobby as the "manager" sped off downtown. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Maryville

Today, my wife and I were watching a football game. While someone was about to score, she started screaming, "Go!" and "Come on! You can do it! Go baby, go!" My first thought was that I wished I could still make her scream like that. FML

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58811

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By Broc'n dreams - New Zealand - Auckland

Face Your Fears

Today, I woke up screaming "FUCK OFF!" because I had a dream that someone threw broccoli through my window. FML

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6422

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By homelesslyf - Australia - Clayton

Today, I was kicked out of my aunt's house for being 15 minutes late for her to pick me up. She told me she doesn't want me to come home and left me in a panicked mess. My sister and brother are on her side and refuse to talk to me. I'm now couch surfing. FML

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2333

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By gera3gera - United States

Today, I was walking my dog when, as usual, he did his business in the grass and stepped off to the side. I squatted and reached for the bag when my dog spotted another canine. He lunged forward in excitement and I landed face forward in the feces. FML

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42706

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By hi Mum - United States - North Charleston

Oh, hai Mark!

Today, I learned that just because you live on a different continent, it doesn't mean your mother won't come knocking when you are having sex. FML

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By akieferr - United States

Today, while undergoing the cumbersome task of screwing the tiny silver ball onto my lip piercing, I clumsily dropped it onto the counter and watched it bounce into the trash can, where it nestled snugly into a used maxi pad. FML

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37705

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By missPiggy - Norway

Today, a colleague found out that I struggled with anorexia when young. After ranting about how it's a silly 'Women's disease', he renamed me 'Miss Piggy' and made oinking noises every time I ate something. FML

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35782

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had an hour long meeting with my manager where she informed me the reason I had not been promoted is because she felt that people would not like to work for me, because I would, "make them do their job." FML

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29447

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By Professional_Ars

Today, my coworker brought chocolate muffins to work for everyone. This would have been really nice if they hadn't tasted like rotten blueberry muffins spray-painted brown. I reflexively gagged after taking a bite and coughed up a brown mush in front of her. FML

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2410

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By Anonymous - Mexico - Celaya

Today, I got my third promotion at work in as many years. My husband congratulated me very briefly, before asking if this meant he no longer had to look for a job. FML

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43327

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By Darice - 8/8/2020 05:03

Mom of the year

Today, after years of not speaking with my birth mother, I took a chance and stopped to talk to her when I saw her outside of her house. Five minutes into it, I knew I needed my hair recolored and that I'm out of shape, this all being said by a totally gray haired fat woman. FML

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1351

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By anon13 - United States

Today, at a family Seder, (a Jewish service for Passover), my mom served matzah balls during the festive meal. Considering how much I love matzah balls and there aren't many options for me to eat because I'm a vegetarian, I shouted, "I like really big balls!" in front of my entire family. FML

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21507

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By hopeless - United States

Today, I cheated on my math exam. I still failed. FML

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12985

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By "catty_13"

Today, thanks to my estranged husband, I had three seizures at work. I came home yesterday to find that my seizure medications were completely gone. He'd flushed them down the toilet because he thinks I'm psychotic and "read on the internet" that it's because of the meds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3993

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253

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By Marcowalker95 - United States - Panorama City

Chill out, man!

Today, I was at a gas station when the cash register made a sound effect similar to one from Sonic the Hedgehog, and I pointed this out. The cashier then saw fit to go on a rant about how I need to stop focusing on video games, and get a life and a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24583

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By JhKhS - United Kingdom

Today, I just came back from the vet. I spent a lot of money on a pet tortoise at the local pet store and it didn't come out of its shell when I bought it. The owner just said it sleeps in the day and it'll be shy for a week or so. Turns out it was dead. FML

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43440

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Top comments

By tygerarmy | 35

#6647468 - Monday 11 July 2016 9:24

When you are married, you really learn how to get under your spouses skin.

By LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6647443 - Monday 11 July 2016 8:58

You may want to take him to a doctor and get some prescription cream or something if it's that bad.

COMMENTS

By zainman13 | 26

#6647440 - Monday 11 July 2016 8:57

I hope your husband is Ok. Hope you are OK. Fyl indeed

By LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6647443 - Monday 11 July 2016 8:58

You may want to take him to a doctor and get some prescription cream or something if it's that bad.

Zehir_fml | 10

#6647469 - Monday 11 July 2016 9:26

my parents' rule is if the sunburn starts peeling, cover it with sunburn ointment and linen and avoid going outside until the burn is healed.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6652177 - Monday 18 July 2016 6:33

Yes, but have you ever molted, 10?

By mahughes | 19

#6647448 - Monday 11 July 2016 9:03

don't know what to say to that

Arkham_Callabero | 15

#6647783 - Monday 11 July 2016 19:31

And yet you still comment

By niftyismybitch | 21

#6647451 - Monday 11 July 2016 9:06

Now you know how Mrs. snake feels..

By ExtremeEncounter | 32

#6647452 - Monday 11 July 2016 9:06

Hey, I bet some people get off to that.

By admeid | 10

#6647458 - Monday 11 July 2016 9:09

Florida man strikes agai.......oh fuck I don't get to say that huh. Shit I was saving that one.

By Mathalamus | 24

#6647460 - Monday 11 July 2016 9:13

That is disgusting...

chosha_fml | 25

#6647596 - Monday 11 July 2016 14:51

No idea why you're getting downvoted. It would be totally gross.

By Draveren | 11

#6647463 - Monday 11 July 2016 9:16

I think I saw the same thing in an episode of Visitors.
...Watch out.

By tygerarmy | 35

#6647468 - Monday 11 July 2016 9:24

When you are married, you really learn how to get under your spouses skin.

By seichan | 7

#6647506 - Monday 11 July 2016 10:33

Being burned that bad can't be good in the long run. I hope he tries his best not to get burned like that again. My friend got skin cancer because of getting a bad sunburn more than once. I'm not trying to scare anyone, I'm just saying don't just dismiss it. Take care of yourselves, everyone! :)