Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my lips were dry and chapped, so I asked if I could use some of my friend's chapstick. She didn't mind, so I quickly put some on. Only later did I notice that my lips were sparkly. Turns out it was glitter balm. Now everyone calls me "princess." FML
Today, I sparkled because of this glitter bar my mother got me from Lush. I didn't realize until after I got out of the shower that it wasn't just ordinary soap. I tried to wipe off the glitter. It wouldn't come off. FML
Today, I was really badly sunburnt, so I put on some after-sun. The only type we have has glitter in it, and now I look like a sparkling tomato. FML
Today, I was helping a friend with a DIY project and thought it would be fun to add some glitter to the mix. We ended up using WAY too much, and now I have glitter everywhere. Not only am I covered head to toe, but I keep finding it in the weirdest places, like inside my shoes, on my phone, and even in my coffee cup. FML
Today, someone put a whole packet of glitter on the blades of my ceiling fan. Too bad I only noticed when I turned it on. FML
Today, well, last night, I told my girlfriend that I'm a light sleeper, and that the slightest disturbance will wake me up. As a result, this morning when I looked in the mirror I noticed a bunch of stuff written all over my body, like "You see, you didn't wake up!", "Nor now!". FML
Today, I awoke to make-up all over my face and nail polish on my hands and feet because my daughter wanted "daddy to look pretty." I have a job interview in an hour and none of it is coming off. FML
Today, I woke up after a long night of partying. When I went to wash off my face, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My missing tooth was almost enough to make me overlook my black eye. FML
Today, it was picture day and I had gotten my hair really nice and my outfit was perfect. Then, disaster: I was fidgeting with those squishy things filled with water and glitter, and it suddenly exploded. One second I'm playing with it, the next it's exploded all over my face. It's safe to say I truly shined in that picture. FML
Today, I went to a concert. Knowing these concerts usually include a lot of black lights, I decided to wear a black T-shirt so I wouldn't glow. I was having a good time, but about halfway through I noticed someone pointing to my shoulder. I looked down to see my dandruff glowing. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thank you, your FML was submitted, and will appear the moderation soon!
Top comments
aaaaa2p 0
Your wife sucks.
TheLoneWolf87 4
We seriously need a Who Gives A Damn About Twilight feature on FML.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (322)
COBRAMORPH 0
She covered your face in glitter. You cover her face with man glitter. White sticky man glitter. BTW, if glitter gets into your eye, it can cut the retina & cause some serious bleeding. You'll need surgery to get it out. Happened to a kid in my first grade class back in dec 1988.
oOMr_JonesOo 0
did you hit her?
dirtbikechickmeg 0
hahahah i love it!!! twilight rocks
dahlia14 0
the proper response at this point is to rub the divorce papers in her face while she's sleeping
Ian9802 0
I have 1/4 inch fangs... 'more vampire' doesn't work, they want gay guys....
overmage 0
Divorce your good for nothing wife now...
MKD42 0
Now you find a xenomorph and stick it in her stomach. When it ruptures her gut, say you wanted her to be more like Bella. Or knock her up and, shortly after she gives birth, tell her your best friend is going to become its lover to make it more like the Renesmee/Jacob 'relationship'. Or pour cooking oil on her when she's sunbathing and asleep and leave her out there. Say you wanted her to feel like a REAL vampire. Or pretend you're really gay, saying 'Now I really AM like Edward!' Joking aside, look on the bright side, you're married to a woman who's obviously up to indulging in fantasies and fetishes. Maybe set up some schedule, alternating fantasies. Oh, and you might want to tell her not to do things to you while you're asleep. If you REALLY want to surprise her, look up a few romantic quotes from the series and drop one every now and then. Apparently the reason why women read Twilight is because they like to pretend their lovers actually say and do stuff like the characters, so sweep her off of her feet every now and then with a nice gesture. Who knows, maybe she'll actually stop reading the series when you prove real life is better than fiction. And to break up the 'advice column' sound that this comment has, boingo boing whoopsy knickers. (+5 points to whoever gets the ref)
itsHannaherex 0
Twilight just had to come out this time of the year.
lydzoars 0
F your life, indeed.
jeniilouise 0
hahahaha somebody's a little too obsessed...