Health: Today, I went with my girlfriend to the gym for the first time.... - FML

By Dancing King - Norway - Egersund

Today, I went with my girlfriend to the gym for the first time. I knew I was in bad shape, but I bet her that I could lift more than her. Not only did I get my ass handed to me by a 5', 115lbs girl in front of the entire gym, I also have to attend Zumba in bright pink spandex. FML

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Triage

Dangling modifier

Two states of matter

By dumped - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. Why? His best mate got dumped yesterday and my boyfriend thought it would be 'more fun' to be 'single lads together'. FML

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By Mulee - Belgium

Today, I had to run to catch my train, so I didn't get the chance to buy a ticket. When the conductor was in sight, I saw he was a young man and I opened my top a little, in hopes of not having to pay a fine. When I told him I didn't buy a ticket he said: "Close your top, I'm gay". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I realized the cute guy in my Spanish class only talks to me so he can steal my answers. He asked if I'd give him the answers for the final as well. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned I'm getting kicked out of the house for NOT dropping out of college. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, my religious girlfriend convinced me to let her take my virginity. A few hours later, she broke up with me, crying and saying I was going to hell for having sex before marriage. But apparently she isn't, and she can't be with someone who "tempts" her. FML

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By FunFun in the Sun - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I'm on spring break on a tropical island, visiting family I hadn't seen in years. They invited me out to eat, and won't take no for an answer. All of this would be wonderful, if it weren't for the fact that I've been vomiting to the point of expelling bile and dry heaving for the last two days. FML

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By crazyhair docare

Today, after a lifetime of weaves and extensions, I felt brave enough to wear my natural hair to work. As soon as I clocked in, my manager yelled, “Holy shit! What happened to you? Stick your finger in a socket or something?” I was then sent home for being, “Out of uniform.” FML

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By tash - Canada

Today, while I was mowing the lawn in my backyard, I ran over a glass bottle. My legs looked like a disco ball. FML

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By ohno. - Canada

Today, at work while washing the dishes I was told to go put some things into the big freezer at the back of the store. While doing so, the door closed behind me, so naturally I pushed it, only to have my wet hands freeze to the door. I yelled to my manager for 10 minutes before help came. FML

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By and he wonders why I'm anxious - Netherlands

Today, after years of torment by my anxiety disorders and therapy and medication not helping, I've made the decision to try hypnosis. After doing a Google search and finding out my therapist is a man, my overly jealous fiancé insisted on joining, "because he might hypnotise you into cheating." FML

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By Peppermint - New Zealand

Today, I put signs up in the lifts at work with my name and desk phone number as the contact in case the lifts break down. I work in IT so there are hundreds of men in the building. Someone has already drawn a very wonky heart next to my name. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I found out that the weird lump on my eye is benign. That would be great news but they aren't going to treat it at all. Now I look like I'm high all the time. FML

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By SisterOfTard - United States - Florence

Today, my brother offered me $20 to practice his kissing on me for his date later this evening. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2020 08:09

Saturday night fever

Today, I was arrested on my 25th birthday and thrown in jail overnight for impersonating myself. FML

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By Don’t Think About It.

Today, I smacked a big mosquito that had landed on my leg. My boyfriend then said to me, "I wonder if their mouth snaps off when you slap them, and now it’s stuck in your skin." Thanks. Thanks a lot. FML

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By Mandy - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about our past relationships. He told me that he broke up with his last girlfriend because she was smart and he suited someone who was quite stupid. He then went on to say that I was perfect for him. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, for reasons that I dare not ask, I received a topless selfie from my Nan followed quickly by a simple sorry text. Sorry is not going to pay for the years of therapy I need. FML

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By tomedicalforlove

Today, my husband and I were fooling around in the shower. For some reason, I thought it'd be a good idea to grab his man meat and show him how to wash someone at a nursing home. He said he'd never be turned on by a nurse again. I'm a nurse. FML

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By Anonymous

How shocking!

Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to put his dog shock collar on me to wake me in lieu of my alarm. You know how those cartoon characters look when they're electrocuted? That's exactly how I woke up. FML

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By epicvixen - Canada - Richmond

Today, while driving, I saw someone's hubcap blowing away behind me on the highway. I thought it was funny and sort of chuckled to myself. Later I realized it was my hubcap. FML

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By Paramedic - United Kingdom

Today, I was the paramedic at the scene of a car accident. One lady was hurt, and we had trouble getting any information from her as she was sobbing. I radioed in the details and said "...a lady in her mid 30's, ETA 10 minutes." She stopped crying, slapped me, and said, "I'm 28." FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I was quietly admiring my boyfriend from outside the kitchen as he made us dinner, only to witness him drop a load of spaghetti on the floor, swear, then scoop it all up and place it back on the plate. FML

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By missedfistbump - United States

Today, I was talking to my boss and he said I was awesome. He went to fist bump me and I missed. FML

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By thiswouldhappen. - United States

Today, my dad gave me a promise ring on my one year anniversary with my boyfriend and made me swear I would wait til marriage. Four hours later he walked in on us having sex in my bedroom. FML

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By Charlie8u347 - United States

Snow day

Today, I was told to shovel four inches of snow from my driveway. I had to get the snow shovel from the rafters of my garage, and there were other tools with it. As I was yanking the shovel down, a pickax fell and smashed through the back window of my dad's Buick. FML

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By dude - United States

Today, I was walking downtown when a bum approached me for some change. I planned to give a couple dollars but after pulling out my wallet exposing my cash, the bum beat me unconscious. The bum is a 5'0" tall woman; I'm a 6'2" male out $200. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that the only things I gained from my Masters programs are more debt and the knowledge that you can use a semicolon in a list. FML

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By mn167109 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I asked my dad why we didn't have any baby pictures. His response was, "They got lost in the flood of '93." I was born in '95. FML

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By lababy - United States

Today, my son asked me where babies come from. I told him, "From god." He came back with, "Daddy said it was from fucking." FML

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By DietWater - United States - Beaumont

Today, I went to the park and people were crowded around some dancers. One of the dancers danced up to me, gave me a flower, and winked at me. I was very flattered, until the same dancer asked me to give the flower back after the dance so he could use it on the next show. FML

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By SmoothTalker - United States

Today, I had a meeting with my super-hot TA. When I got to her office, she complimented me for being early, to which I thoughtfully replied "oh I usually come early." She laughed. FML

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By Blonde - Canada - Toronto

Today, I googled for an hour how to open my CD player on my laptop. Turns out, there is none. They just put a space there to make it look like a CD player. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, I had to set parental controls on my iPad so my dad couldn't watch dirty videos on Youtube. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 11:03 - United States - Fairfax

The jury's out on this one

Today, I start my second week of jury duty. I was only supposed to do one week of jury duty and then go on a week of a pre-paid vacation. Instead, I’m required to go back to court this week, I’m spending my evenings doing my regular job, and I lost nearly $1,000 that I pre-paid for lodging. FML

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By Gloria Lovestar

All over the place

Today, I visited my in-laws, whom I thought I was on great terms with. I soon learned that wasn't the case when my mother-in-law yelled at me about how I've been abusing her for years. Ten minutes later, she hugged me and asked me for grandkids. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my pregnant girlfriend gave me back the ring I'd used to propose with a week ago. Her reason? She only said yes because she was worried the real father of the baby wasn't going to stick around. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, in front of our family reunion, my daughter accused me of being a racist because I won't let her date a black man. I do not have a racist bone in my body; this man is an actual gang member and he has killed people before. Nobody believes me. FML

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By SlowPacker - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my family informed me that we were going on a 10 hour road trip to my cousin's wedding. They only decided to tell me 45 minutes before we left for said road trip. FML

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By Numbass123 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was glued to the toilet all day, gushing fountains of crap, due to my own bad cooking. It got so bad that I ran out of toilet paper and had to desperately jump in the shower and stay there for nearly two hours. I can't even feel my own asshole any more. FML

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By AmPatt - United States - Grand Junction

Today, despite driving extremely slowly and cautiously, we slid off the road due to ice and snow. The car hit a rock and the airbags deployed. We were in my 3-month-old car because the engine in my husband's truck blew last week. Merry Christmas to us. FML

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Top comments

By ThatEngineerGirl | 12

#6030601 - Thursday 7 August 2014 23:08

It's awesome that you're going to the gym with your girlfriend. It's a great couples thing to do, even if the first trip was a little embarrassing for you. :)

By Aquila_Umbrae | 26

#6030603 - Thursday 7 August 2014 23:08

Own it man. Dance with everything you have!

COMMENTS

By kingcaper817 | 14

#6030599 - Thursday 7 August 2014 23:07

OMG FIRST shouldn't of agreed to bet buddy

Reply

kingcaper817 | 14

#6030606 - Thursday 7 August 2014 23:10

Hey don't hate it's my first, first

Reply

azelk | 8

#6030607 - Thursday 7 August 2014 23:10

OMG 1821th

By sky413 | 26

#6030600 - Thursday 7 August 2014 23:07

Better go more often then!

Reply

katieemerr | 15

#6030643 - Thursday 7 August 2014 23:57

#2 is right.. This should push you to get down the gym and work out more!

By ThatEngineerGirl | 12

#6030601 - Thursday 7 August 2014 23:08

It's awesome that you're going to the gym with your girlfriend. It's a great couples thing to do, even if the first trip was a little embarrassing for you. :)

Reply

jerryj | 27

#6030623 - Thursday 7 August 2014 23:33

Seems like the second will potentially be more embarrassing.

By Aquila_Umbrae | 26

#6030603 - Thursday 7 August 2014 23:08

Own it man. Dance with everything you have!

Reply

OysterPearls | 33

#6030622 - Thursday 7 August 2014 23:32

I've seen guys in Zumba who have more rhythm than me... Better start practicing your salsa OP!

Reply

JJ_86 | 22

#6030651 - Friday 8 August 2014 0:20

That's not the point here. "Everything you have"!! you better use the goodies good before losing them at the Gym OP.

By GOtllt | 17

#6030604 - Thursday 7 August 2014 23:09

Keep going to the gym, and maybe next time she'll be wearing bright pink spandex to Zumba ;D

Reply

feven | 32

#6030632 - Thursday 7 August 2014 23:46

I say he goes all out as revenge causing I'm guessing she wouldn't be too embarrassed by wearing pink spandex.

Reply

weswheatley | 14

#6030694 - Friday 8 August 2014 1:22

I'm pretty sure that was meant as a "gift" to the guy

By markcallanan_ | 20

#6030605 - Thursday 7 August 2014 23:10

Oooh, ouch

By junkman6 | 22

#6030608 - Thursday 7 August 2014 23:11

Pink leopard print. If you're gonna do it, go all out!

Reply

LittleBells | 17

#6030676 - Friday 8 August 2014 0:55

Yes, be FABULOUS while you lift weights

Reply

weswheatley | 14

#6030697 - Friday 8 August 2014 1:23

You don't lift weights in Zumba

Reply

crazytwinsmom | 25

#6030868 - Friday 8 August 2014 7:19

Re: 9, And wear the little skirt with the bells.

Reply

threer | 30

#6031095 - Friday 8 August 2014 16:54

And maybe a half-shirt? Grapevine!

By tony1891 | 22

#6030609 - Thursday 7 August 2014 23:11

never bet against a girl who works out Unless you're absolutely sure you can beat them

Reply

schhichick | 14

#6030832 - Friday 8 August 2014 5:35

Unless you are Phil Dunphy

By FMLkoala | 28

#6030610 - Thursday 7 August 2014 23:11

Do you even lift?

Reply

Doritozilla | 20

#6030698 - Friday 8 August 2014 1:24

Apparently not, lol.

Reply

shutupshane12 | 12

#6030786 - Friday 8 August 2014 4:23

Not that guy

By Corvo_Attano_4 | 12

#6030611 - Thursday 7 August 2014 23:11

Zumba is awesome. Make sure to take advantage of that class.