Work: Today, I went to a first aid training course. I had to lie on...

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 97

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 471

You deserved it 72

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 37

28/10/2014 18:35

Today, I went to a first aid training course. I had to lie on the floor and pretend I was unconscious. We were supposed to be doing the recovery position, but the guy I was working with decided to perform CPR instead and grope my boobs in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 461

You deserved it 3 464

Work

The smell detective is on the case

You tried

Leave us alone

07/08/2009 08:55

Today, I had a seizure at my boyfriend's. The second I began to seize, he cursed and picked me up, dropping me on the floor complaining "Now I have to clean the damn couch." I had urinated because I had no control over my body. The couch is still stained. He dumped me for ruining his furniture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 010

You deserved it 7 581

Weird flex, but OK

By gotmon3y - 07/04/2009 16:12

Today, I was at the beach walking on the boardwalk without a shirt on. Two cute girls are walking my way and I decide to try and impress them by flexing my abs. While I flexed them, I accidentally let a fart out that everyone heard. Everybody, including the girls, laughed hysterically at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 912

You deserved it 81 737

03/09/2010 20:51

Today, I was talking to my crush on MSN. She was telling me how her friend had passed away recently. I had two chats open and accidentally replied, "That's hilarious." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 543

You deserved it 40 094

Addicted to love

By Anonymous - 29/05/2020 20:00

Today, I was half paying attention to a text message conversation with someone about how addicted we both were to social media. It's wasn't until deep into the conversation that I realized we were actually talking about porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 922

You deserved it 984

23/12/2018 02:00

Today my car was broken into. The only thing taken were condoms and lighters I had in the glove box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 112

You deserved it 195

Big Baby

By Anonymous - 12/04/2021 00:30

Today, I flushed the toilet while my boyfriend was showering. He responded by throwing a huge fit, saying how if he “gets a cold” from being “forced” to shower in cold water, I’m gonna “have to stay home and take care of him until he’s better.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 003

You deserved it 258

10/04/2009 08:17

Today, I was riding on a stationary exercise bike at home, when I went to get off, my shorts got stuck under the seat. I dangled half upside down until my shorts ripped and I fell on the ground face first breaking my front tooth. I broke my tooth riding a bike that doesn’t even move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 553

You deserved it 9 561

31/08/2015 04:50

Today, my wallet was stolen from my purse at work. When I asked my boss to pull the security tape so we could identify the thief, he said, "I don't think I want to know who it is." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 729

You deserved it 1 691

23/06/2011 23:58

Today, I couldn't prove my son has had chickenpox, so his school gave us the option of getting a potentially dangerous shot he didn't need, pay for an expensive blood test to show that he previously had the virus, or sign a waiver stating I'm a religious nut refusing medical treatment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 933

You deserved it 7 866

You can't handle the truth!

By WhoNeedsFriends - 28/08/2021 10:01

Today, my friends held a roast for my birthday, as per my request. They went pretty hard and I got a little uncomfortable. Afterwards, I told them that their jokes were a little too far, and they said all of their roasts were 100% genuine, and they just needed an excuse to tell me their problems with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 336

You deserved it 1 462

13/11/2009 06:26

Today, I had to meet my mother. Being a college student, I decided I was too lazy to shave this morning. She noticed the stubble on my face, and started crying because I'm growing up. I'm 23 years old. My dad yelled at me for making my mom cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 805

You deserved it 3 472

28/04/2012 22:44

Today, the imperial fist of spring allergies knocked me flat on my ass. The time I was going to spend at the outdoor concert I paid $80 for was instead spent in my car, driving back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 723

You deserved it 3 035

03/10/2011 04:38

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me for the first time. He stopped just as I was about to orgasm, and asked if I could finish by myself. Apparently he'd come up with a new algorithm for the Rubik's Cube on my desk and wanted to try it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 327

You deserved it 4 633

16/05/2016 03:18

Today, I nearly got shitcanned for falling asleep on the job. The only reason I was so dead tired was because my idiot roommates decided to get high last night and loudly argue for hours about stupid crap like "Is it gay to screw a clone of yourself?" I got less than 2 hours of sleep because of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 941

You deserved it 1 873

23/01/2012 00:49

Today, I did my old "toe-touch" cheerleading move to try to impress my 5-year-old daughter. When I landed, I broke my toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 900

You deserved it 26 050

20/02/2016 18:06

Today, on my way to the dentist, I got rear ended by my own dentist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 251

You deserved it 1 365

19/05/2013 21:27

Today, the extremely uncooperative client whom I'm trying to defend in court sent me a letter in which he threatened to sue me, because charging him for my services supposedly violates his "constipational rights". FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 212

You deserved it 3 903

26/08/2011 04:55

Today, my dad taught me how to swim. I had to keep doing a lot of strange movements to keep my body floating. While doing that, two 8-year-old girls came and asked me if i needed help getting out of the water. I'm a 20 year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 594

You deserved it 8 615

09/02/2014 00:42

Today, I had to explain to my husband why saving the condom from the first time we had sex is not romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 108

You deserved it 6 651

28/09/2016 04:26

Today, I had a job interview for an amazing opportunity. Too bad my nerves made me forget what the role was and where it was, mid-interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 145

You deserved it 1 515

31/05/2011 16:47

Today, my 12 year old cousin decided that "all men are pigs" and deleted every male contact in my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 087

You deserved it 4 882

Quite the catch

By Ms. Piggy - 02/03/2014 19:09

Today, I was shopping for dresses when my fiancé turned into what I can only call a groomzilla. He told me and my maid of honor that we need to lose weight because he's not "paying all this money for a pair of fatties to not look good." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 087

You deserved it 7 476

22/05/2012 18:42

Today, my wife allowed my mother-in-law to move in with us. She believes the government spies on her in the shower, and that the Prime Minister is a shape-shifting lizard who wants to microchip us all. I have to live with this psychotic wench until someone is desperate enough to employ her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 790

You deserved it 2 745

08/12/2013 01:07

Today, I was babysitting my barely-pubescent cousins, and they started talking about giving blowjobs to their "boyfriends". When I got mad at them and told them they shouldn't be thinking of that stuff, they said I was just pissed 'cause I haven't gotten laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 964

You deserved it 5 095

Top of the mornin' to ya!

By Anonymous Taco Man - 03/08/2021 08:01

Today, my dog had REALLY bad diarrhea. I found that out when I woke up to find it all over my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 846

You deserved it 79

Drugged?

By wlisy - 30/09/2019 18:00

Today, I went to spend time with friends. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in my bed with several blocked contacts and text messages, saying that what I did was unacceptable. No drugs or alcohol were involved, and I have no memory of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 664

You deserved it 226

14/02/2019 15:37

Today, I slashed my ass open with a shard of glass. How? I was making out with my crush, and threw my glasses on the ground. I forgot about them when we decided to lie down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 192

You deserved it 37 870

Weird-ass kids

By fml9124 - 05/12/2020 02:02

Today, my Asian girlfriend broke up with me because I'm not Asian, I'm Irish-American, 100%. She doesn't have a problem with me, though. It's her kids. Her grown children want her dating Asian men. She's 62, I'm 63. Is that like reverse racism when the kids are more racist than the parents? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 078

You deserved it 85

21/05/2009 20:49

Today, I brought some cupcakes to my class for my birthday, like all the cool kids do. When it came time to sing happy birthday, the entire class said "happy birthday to" then forgot my name. Except my teacher. She said Steve. My name's Jeff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 406

You deserved it 6 841

08/01/2010 16:32

Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 182

You deserved it 4 470

17/06/2013 04:33

Today, my daughter had ice cream while I was napping. She didn't want me to know so she put the bowl in the trashcan and put the spoon in the garbage disposal and turned it on, because she thought it would make the spoon disappear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 748

You deserved it 5 701

04/04/2013 23:55

Today, I was working at a daycare. There was a 6-year-old boy pretending to be my doctor, holding a little, plastic thermometer. He then, without warning, quickly shoved it deep into my ear. The last thing I heard was his giggle. I think I'm deaf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 983

You deserved it 4 004

18/12/2011 09:59

Today, I went to dinner to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I received a text message, so I pulled out my phone to check. Apparently, his parents have a "No phone at the table rule" and took my phone away until I can learn "proper table manners." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 233

You deserved it 47 433

24/02/2009 05:05

Today, one of my closest friends and I got into a fight. She ends the conversation with "My grandma just had a stroke. Bye." I didn't believe her so I replied "Thats great. Bye." Turns out her Grandma is in the hospital in critical condition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 608

You deserved it 57 381

02/12/2014 05:30

Today, the school counselor asked me to leave the grief counseling group for the death of my sister. Apparently, I scare the others. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 654

You deserved it 2 624

24/09/2010 00:24

Today, I was surfing the web for Halloween costumes, and found one labeled "Extreme Girl Nerd". With the wig, the glasses, and the buck-teeth, it looked exactly like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 411

You deserved it 6 733

06/10/2013 21:49

Today, I started to come to during dental surgery. I clearly heard someone behind me say "Shit! Get this fucker back under!" then another person mentioning they'd have to kill me to avoid "another lawsuit", followed by laughter and the blackness of sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 401

You deserved it 3 834

22/07/2019 18:00

Today, while on a beach with my 3 year-long boyfriend, I went on his phone to find a restaurant I'd sent him on Instagram. Instead, I found countless messages to other women, trying to slide into their DMs. Needless to say, everyone on that beach got a free show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 818

You deserved it 206

25/04/2011 17:02

Today, I moved to Florida because I have poor circulation and need to be in a warm environment. The first day at my new job, I discovered my co-worker is an overweight man who wears a wool suit every day, and insists on keeping the office chilled to 65 degrees. I can't feel my fingers or toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 540

You deserved it 3 626

21/04/2017 12:00

Today, while shopping for groceries, a small child pointed at my face and exclaimed : "DOGGIE!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 622

You deserved it 289

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Top comments

s3kShUn47 20

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Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:17

In front of multiple people? And you, nor anybody else said anything about it..?

Greenteamextreme 16

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Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:19

Should have kicked him in the nuts and blamed it on those final death throes!

Comments

s3kShUn47 20

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Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:17

In front of multiple people? And you, nor anybody else said anything about it..?

sayyestothedress 24

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Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:52

And that kids is how I met your mother

Vegetarian27 24

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Wednesday 29 October 2014 11:48

And that, kids, is why I had him up for sexual assault.

TheSwegMaster69 11

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Wednesday 29 October 2014 23:18

And that, kids, is where this joke ceases to be funny anymore.

martin_dustinc 8

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Friday 31 October 2014 4:49

^ because you ruined it.

Greenteamextreme 16

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Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:19

Should have kicked him in the nuts and blamed it on those final death throes!

silvercamaro 22

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Wednesday 29 October 2014 1:02

I think this is one of those times that a sexual harassment claim is due

JaffaMC 13

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Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:19

He was trying to recover you- with love

miianah1 22

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Wednesday 29 October 2014 1:29

2014 edition of sleeping beauty. Light, romantic kiss: nope Sweet, meaningful hug: too mainstream Groping of the boobs: ;)

tigerisabelle 31

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Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:21

Well if you're ever dying, at least people will try to perform CPR on you. You know. Cause of your boobs.

Fishin_for_Coins 7

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Wednesday 29 October 2014 20:04

Maybe your brain was to starved of oxygen when you wrote this comment.(Get it,CPR,Oxygen...)

LeBandit 20

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Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:22

"accidentally"

devildog562 33

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Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:22

That's the new advanced form of CPR . Didn't you know ? Very titalizing .

Ichiya 29

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Wednesday 29 October 2014 1:48

Its the breast form they have found. I heard some guys are really milking it though.

FunnnyGirrl 19

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Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:22

You should've kicked him in the balls and then tell him that you were just returning the favour

sockoiid 13

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Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:25

When it was your turn to practice on him, you should have leaned a knee into his balls, it'll teach him!

pjsr 32

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Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:27

I bet that got his heart beating

RitRit 20

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Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:28

Practicing chest compressions, I see.