Today, I went to a first aid training course. I had to lie on... - FML

By Anonymous - 28/10/2014 18:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a first aid training course. I had to lie on the floor and pretend I was unconscious. We were supposed to be doing the recovery position, but the guy I was working with decided to perform CPR instead and grope my boobs in the process. FML

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Messed up

Dangling modifier

Breaking Badly

By Anonymous - 20/10/2016 13:17 - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Today, I woke up to find my face covered in scratches, some of them bleeding. I was rather puzzled, as I don't have a cat. Then I realised that the feathers in my pillow had stuck out and scratched my face. I was attacked by my own pillow. FML

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By biggieT - 14/6/2012 02:21 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Actor's Studio

Today, I was having sex with my wife, when she fell asleep. She then woke up and started moaning, clearly faking an orgasm. FML

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By firebombtimEFUCKERS - 29/9/2012 16:32 - United States

Today, I finally managed to sleep, after two days of being kept awake by the miniature floodlights my neighbors have installed to scare off burglars. Only a couple of hours into my sleep, I woke up to the sound of their car being broken into. FML

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By - 27/2/2020 18:00

Not really a good idea

Today, I decide to let my boyfriend introduce food into our sex life, then a few days after we used melted chocolate I got a UTI. I’ve never had a UTI before in my life so I’m blaming him for the fact it feels like I’m peeing needles dipped in acid. FML

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By samaris - 8/7/2016 21:19

Today, 5 months after doing a shoot for a stock photo site, someone finally used one of my photos. In an article about meth abuse. FML

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By Snorlax - 13/4/2013 04:25 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I uploaded a cute photo of my boyfriend and me on Facebook. Ten minutes later, his friend commented: "Dude! You're supposed to capture the Snorlax, not date it!" FML

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By badDriver - 28/11/2009 21:37 - United States

Today, I hit a parked car. It happened to be my driving instructor's car. While he was instructing me, sitting in the passenger seat. I don't think I'll pass. FML

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By anonymous - 6/3/2016 05:33 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my 17 year old daughter told me she was going to bake a cake. When she finished she offered me one and it was crunchy. I asked her why and she said the recipe said to put eggs in. She put them in whole. FML

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By Sparks - 27/4/2019 10:00 - United States - Taylor

Today, my neighbors threatened to sue me because a six-foot branch fell off one of my trees and into their yard, hitting nothing on the way down. FML

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By NYeeerrr - 9/6/2019 22:00

Today, after having my Apple Watch for a year, it asked me something it has never asked me before. As I began my hike around a lake, 10 minutes in, it asked if I was starting to workout. I hit yes, and it then congratulated me on my very first workout. FML

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By soprahb - 19/10/2012 06:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's new favorite TV show is Law and Order SVU. Now after every episode she insists on asking me if I'm sure I wasn't molested as a kid. She's still on the first season. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, I took a call. Wrong number. A few seconds later, they called back and I told her that she had the wrong number. She said she just hit redial and didn't understand how she got me again. I tried to explain how redial works. She called me a moron and hung up. Then my phone rang again. FML

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By Cake Dreams - 8/10/2018 22:15

Today, I had a dream wherein a deep, sensual voice was talking sexy to me. "Yeah girl, you want this. Mmm." It wasn't the man of my dreams trying to seduce me. It was a piece of chocolate cake. FML

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By imawesome - 2/3/2012 03:54 - United States

Today, I wondered if my orgasms are worth the bother, seeing as I get horrible "I feel like I'm dying" cramps every time I climax. FML

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By sassy_girl144 - 29/5/2015 10:58 - United Kingdom - Newbury

Today, I learned one of life's great lessons: it is possible to squeeze a Ketchup bottle so hard that the plastic breaks and everything lands on your face. FML

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By Dammit - 7/7/2012 04:45 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I found out that I'm allergic to bacon. FML

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By DocDog - 24/3/2017 02:00

Today, my grandmother threatened to write me out of her will because I refused to believe that dogs can perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre. FML

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By grrr1234 - 1/7/2012 16:00

Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to live with her father because they have a faster internet connection. FML

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By fishingforubies2 - 24/7/2015 14:02 - Aruba - Oranjestad

Today, it was my first day working at a library. I expected it to be fun and peaceful, not to end up having to call the cops on a guy who started jerking off into a book. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2019 16:00

Today, I got pulled over and ticketed while taking cookies to the local police station. FML

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By localbarista - 3/8/2011 23:46 - United States

Today, a customer threw his cup of coffee at me screaming that it wasn't hot enough. Well, maybe it wasn't hot enough for him, but it was sure hot enough to burn me. FML

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By Oops - 9/12/2018 14:00

Today, someone broke the flush on the toilet in the only female bathroom in the office, and didn’t leave either a note or out of order sign. The broken flush became very apparent, however, after I was unable to flush the vile smelling deposit I’d left in there. FML

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By cloud7 - 27/12/2011 03:40

Today, after finally dropping my weight from an overweight 200 to a slim 135, my skin is now loose everywhere, and stretches about two inches out on my stomach. FML

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By Cashier - 9/3/2011 05:36 - Canada

Today, I was at work as a grocery store cashier. I felt a hand slap my ass. Turning around I saw an old man winking at me and I screamed. When my manager came to deal with the problem she didn't believe me and gave the man a $25 gift card for 'the trouble' I caused. FML

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By fuck you walmart - 26/4/2013 22:03 - United States

Today, at work, I was screamed at and slapped by a woman for supposedly violating her 2nd Amendment rights. In reality, I'd simply turned her away from the 10 items or less line because she had well over the allowed number of items. I've no fucking idea what's wrong with some people. FML

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By qx5 - 8/1/2011 22:05 - Canada

Today, I put my paycheck in my wallet, intending to cash it in the next day. Later on, I met up with a friend and went to a party. I ended up getting so drunk, I gave away my $400 check in exchange for a pack of smokes, thinking it was a $5 bill. FML

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By traumatized4life - 4/11/2010 19:32 - United States

Today, I woke up to two text messages from my mother. The first said, "You could've had this for breakfast. How do you like your eggs?" The next text was a picture message of her naked. I think it was meant to be sent to her boyfriend. FML

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By HtotheFtotheS - 3/4/2015 19:05 - United Kingdom - Wisbech

Today, I used an air freshener in my room to make it smell good. At first, the smell was pretty pleasant. However, by the time it'd "soaked in" it smelled just like weed. My whole room stinks of it, and now my mum is convinced I've been smoking pot in my room. FML

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By zks - 24/3/2011 08:53

Today, I received yet more mail for my ex-fiancé. We've been broken up for nearly a year and I've told him multiple times to change his address. Getting his mail is a constant reminder that I haven't dated since. FML

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By Clive81 - 17/2/2015 20:02 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I went to my son's school soccer game. Unfortunately, I couldn't get excited about it because my idiot son kept diving the moment anyone so much as breathed on him. It eventually earned him a penalty shot that won him the game. I was so ashamed, I snuck out to avoid being seen with him. FML

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By Mr Pippin - 9/9/2018 22:00

Today, after frolicking in some long grass near a lake, my dog got back in the car smelling strongly of poop. Upon further investigation, I discovered that a sewer had overflowed in the area. My dog rolled around in human faeces. FML

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By Bucks9 - 7/5/2009 23:43 - United States

Today, I was shopping in the mall. A cute store worker kept checking me out, so after I picked a few things I went up to her and started flirting. After a few seconds, she cut me off and said, "Actually I was watching you because you look like someone who would shoplift." FML

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By pubes - 18/3/2010 01:55 - United States

Today, I came back to my room and sat down at my desk to find pile short, curly hairs on it. Neither me or my roommate have curly hair, and it isn't mine. I think he trimmed his pubes over my desk and forgot to clean it up. FML

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By Amanda Howard - 15/3/2020 09:00

When you gotta go, you gotta go

Today, I came home after being stuck in traffic needing to pee really badly. When I went to the bathroom, my boyfriend was on the toilet. I couldn't hold it longer, so I went into the woods behind our house and found a bush. Relieving myself, my butt started to itch. I was sitting in poison ivy. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2018 15:00

Today, I was training a new volunteer at a clothing donation center. While explaining how to sort donations, I reached into a garbage bag full of clothes and something on my hand caught my eye. It was a bed bug. The bag was full of them and they sought refuge up my arm. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2009 19:18 - United States

Today, I was in my new boyfriend's apartment for the first time. As I was flipping through his photo albums, I came across one full of disturbingly candid pictures of me. I found some as early as my trip to the state fair, three years ago. I met my boyfriend two months ago. FML

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By IllJustGetYouASweaterThen - 4/8/2010 07:58 - United States

Today, I was called handsome. Too bad it was coming from a trashed homeless lady, who then went on to tell me that she likes my lips and wants to rape me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2011 12:03 - Israel

Today, I went on a date with a woman. She brought along her stuffed rabbit, and introduced us. FML

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By (._. ) - 6/8/2013 20:35 - United States - Alburnett

Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He told me he'd ask his dad if it was okay. I thought he was just kidding, until he pulled out his phone and called his dad. After a few minutes of "come on, dad" and "but why?" he hung up and said his dad wouldn't let him. He's 22. FML

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By strictly cum prancing - 11/12/2015 19:48 - United States

Today, my boyfriend backed out on our date so he could help his best friend get ready for some kind of drag queen competition. FML

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Top comments

By s3kShUn47 | 20

#6103284 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:17

In front of multiple people? And you, nor anybody else said anything about it..?

By Greenteamextreme | 16

#6103290 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:19

Should have kicked him in the nuts and blamed it on those final death throes!

COMMENTS

By s3kShUn47 | 20

#6103284 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:17

In front of multiple people? And you, nor anybody else said anything about it..?

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6103353 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:52

And that kids is how I met your mother

Reply

Vegetarian27 | 24

#6103737 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 11:48

And that, kids, is why I had him up for sexual assault.

Reply

TheSwegMaster69 | 11

#6104150 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 23:18

And that, kids, is where this joke ceases to be funny anymore.

Reply

martin_dustinc | 8

#6105208 - Friday 31 October 2014 4:49

^ because you ruined it.

By Greenteamextreme | 16

#6103290 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:19

Should have kicked him in the nuts and blamed it on those final death throes!

Reply

silvercamaro | 22

#6103363 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 1:02

I think this is one of those times that a sexual harassment claim is due

By JaffaMC | 13

#6103291 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:19

He was trying to recover you- with love

Reply

miianah1 | 22

#6103394 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 1:29

2014 edition of sleeping beauty. Light, romantic kiss: nope
Sweet, meaningful hug: too mainstream

Groping of the boobs: ;)

By tigerisabelle | 31

#6103298 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:21

Well if you're ever dying, at least people will try to perform CPR on you. You know. Cause of your boobs.

Reply

Fishin_for_Coins | 7

#6104037 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 20:04

Maybe your brain was to starved of oxygen when you wrote this comment.(Get it,CPR,Oxygen...)

By LeBandit | 20

#6103301 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:22

"accidentally"

By devildog562 | 33

#6103303 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:22

That's the new advanced form of CPR . Didn't you know ? Very titalizing .

Reply

Ichiya | 29

#6103409 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 1:48

Its the breast form they have found. I heard some guys are really milking it though.

By FunnnyGirrl | 19

#6103304 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:22

You should've kicked him in the balls and then tell him that you were just returning the favour

By sockoiid | 13

#6103314 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:25

When it was your turn to practice on him, you should have leaned a knee into his balls, it'll teach him!

By pjsr | 32

#6103321 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:27

I bet that got his heart beating

By RitRit | 20

#6103323 - Wednesday 29 October 2014 0:28

Practicing chest compressions, I see.