Love: Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really hit it off... - FML

By vividrabbit - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really hit it off with. Then he admitted that he was a recovering heroin addict and had to cut our date short to go to the methadone clinic. When I got home, I realized that my wallet was missing $40. I think he lied about the "recovering" part. FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

And today, on Dr Phil…

The bird

By confsused - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out that my dad is actually my uncle, and vice-versa. FML

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By dasnich - United States

Today, after a twelve week dry spell followed by an eight week one, I decided to take a bit more initiative at seducing my girlfriend. Not only was she "not in the mood" again, but she offered me Trident Layers gum instead. She apparently thought that it was a fair trade. FML

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By kimbo - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up and had a flick through my camera photos. To my disgust my mother had taken pictures of herself, drunk out of her mind, naked with goggles on in our hot tub. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, to save money, I wanted to fix my own leaky roof instead of hiring someone. When I got on the roof, the ladder fell. As it was falling, it broke three windows and snagged the siding of my house ripping over half of it off. FML

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By BarBacked - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the nasty rash on my arms. He concluded that I'm allergic to beer and the rash will go away if I stay away from it. I'm a bartender. FML

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By BobsBabe2 - United States

Today, my 13-year-old son discovered Axe. Axe shower gel. Axe shampoo. Axe body spray. All at once. FML

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By MadWorld

Today, it's been six months since my husband and I have miscarried our daughter who we named Hana Grace. My sister just revealed she is having a girl and naming her Hana Grace since "the name is up for grabs now". FML

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By hamsterlovinn - United States

Today, we got my brother a pet hamster because he has trouble making friends. We thought a hamster would be a good way to teach him about caring for others. I walked into the room and the hamster was hanging from the ceiling. Turns out there's a reason my brother doesn't have friends. FML

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By sad life - United States

Today, I realized my boyfriend is so seldom romantic that it actually makes me uncomfortable when he says something cute. FML

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By clapping_for_you

Today, in a private discussion, my teenage son confessed to me he finally lost his virginity several weeks ago. Why did he confess? He came to me to ask why it all of a sudden hurts when he pees, and asked if it could have anything to do with it... FML...

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By Uhohwemadeamistake

Today, my new neighbor broke into our new house because his key didn't work. We just closed on the house this week and changed the locks when foot prints were found in the bathtub after the cleaning crew went through. FML

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By really? - United States

Today, I found a purse in the school bathroom. When I looked inside, there was an iPod along with some other expensive stuff in it. I took it to the office so the right owner would get it back. The owner passed me in the hall on the way there; she freaked out and punched me in the face. FML

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By Boyufd - 30/7/2020 23:01

The Dark Knight

Today, I noticed my acne scars are almost forming the Batman symbol. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer filed a complaint against me because my coworker took too long to do a price check. I hate my job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Glasgow

Today, I walked in on my dad singing along to a song on Sesame Street. He tried to divert attention from what I'd just witnessed by angrily grilling me over "just barging in" and not respecting people's privacy. Apparently he forgot that we were in the living room. FML

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By RIP Turd (peacebeuponit) - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I took a crap. When I stood up to admire my handiwork and flush, I noticed blood-red everywhere in the toilet. I freaked out like a little girl, thinking I was bleeding out of my ass. Then I noticed the ketchup packets my roommate had slipped under the seat to prank me. FML

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By cloudish - Germany

Today, I finally had the guts to tell my best friend that I like him more than just as a friend. I was about to tell him when he excitedly told me that he met the love of his life yesterday. FML

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By emilyparker - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went out with my best friend to McDonald's for a late night snack. Turns out she lied to me and just used me to pick up the boy she likes so they could go stargazing. I'm now laying beside them as they look at the stars and make out. I just want fries. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2021 20:01

Stuck

Today, my grandma and her neighbor compared their sports bras in front of me. FML

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By Broken Arm - 6/12/2020 14:01

Reality is weirder than fiction

Today, I found out that while it is unlikely you'll break your arm by catching it in the door, it is perfectly possible. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Austin

Here I go again

Today, after I finally laid down from a long day and was about to fall asleep, I realized I forgot to set my alarm. I don't own an alarm clock and my alarm is on my phone. Which was in my car. I live on 15th floor of an apartment building and our parking garage is across the street. FML

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By elovan - United States - Des Moines

Today, my laziness hit a new low when I tried closing my bedroom door using my mind. FML

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By Chuffy - United States - Loveland

Today, I followed my neighbor's advice and sprayed Sprite on my Christmas tree because it will "make it live longer." I just came downstairs to find my Christmas tree covered in ants. FML

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By nurse4life - United States - Moultrie

420 BLAZE IT BRO!!!

Today, a patient at the hospital where I work asked me if he and his son could light up a joint. He was on oxygen, and serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in ten years. He was stealing my car. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finally got my forklift license after training for a week. Almost eight hours later, I lost my license by not lowering my forks, crashing into and destroying four overhead light fixtures which cost more than $500 in damage. FML

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By peacock_mina19 - United States

Today, my mother and I got into a huge fight about me being a lesbian. It ended with me saying "Fuck you!" to which she responded: "I bet you'd probably like to." FML

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By nothotforteacher - United States

Today, my college professor/employer failed to send in a letter I had been counting on for a scholarship application. He has also decided not to pay me for the last two months. I'm not going to make rent. Apparently this is the punishment you get for politely declining a date with a married man. FML

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By stephanie

Today, my husband tried to use his "grief" over his grandmother's death to manipulate me into giving him a blowjob. In the toilets. During the funeral. With his family only a few yards down the hall crying their eyes out. What an asshole I married. An absolute asshole. FML

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By Rubyscooby212 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, alone on Valentine's day, I decided to eat chocolate and watch romantic comedies in bed. I had an allergic reaction to the chocolate which sent me to the ER. FML

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By I'maboutobarf - Australia

Today, my mum got a new blender. Dinner was roast beef, broccoli, cauliflower, pumpkin, potatoes and water. In a cup. FML

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By amore89

Today, I was with my dad at the supermarket and this guy was checking me out. My dad yells at him with a grin, "I know! I make beautiful babies!" FML

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By child - United States - Avon

Today, my mom was driving with my brothers and sister in the back seat. She was turned around talking to us, when my sister told my mom that she missed the light. She ran it, then screamed at us about not paying attention and noticing your surroundings. FML

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By Trouble

Today, at work, I was informed that my manager told the owner, "Everything wrong with my department" is me. FML

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By HellaBomber91 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boss listens to the things we say about him on the audio-enabled cameras at our work. I'm thus currently jobless. FML

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By

Where it is?

Today, my girlfriend and I were doing the deed when she suddenly said, "Hold on babe, I think my nose ring fell out." After she couldn't find it for a minute, she said "I'm sure it's on the bed somewhere." Immediately after that, she yelled, "OH MY GOD I JUST SWALLOWED IT." FML

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By Insomnia

Today, while trying to sleep after a night shift, workers came to hook up city sewage service, firing up drills and shouting. An hour later, my child woke me up to tattle on her sister. Just as I was drifting to sleep yet again, the smoke alarm battery started chirping. I give up. FML

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By unemployed - United States

Today, as I was bagging groceries, I looked down to see a 6-year-old urinating on my shoes and the floor next to me. I told his mother that he should take her kid to the restroom, only to be told to "mind my own goddamn business." I was later fired for arguing with the customer. FML

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By dammitt - United States

Today, my best friend and I went to the movies. There was a hot cashier, so I thought it would be cool to talk in a British accent to try and be sexy. I walked up and started talking when he interrupted me and said in a very heavy British accent, "I know you're faking. You can stop now." FML

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By targe - Australia

Today, after a stressful series of events, I went to the beach to unwind. I sat on the sand, breathed in deeply and closed my eyes, trying to find some sort of inner peace. Then a seagull shat on me. FML

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Top comments

By Rixxieee | 0

#390858 - Sunday 12 July 2009 21:08

Ever thought that MAYBE you POSSIBLY left the $40 at the restaurant, leaving it to pay for the bill but ACCIDENTALLY paying too much without noticing? You shouldn't just jump to the conclusion that your date stole it just because they take/took drugs.

By ChefFrenchie | 0

#390712 - Sunday 12 July 2009 20:20

ewwwww well look at it this way, at least now you don't have to waste your time on a 2nd date

COMMENTS

By ChefFrenchie | 0

#390712 - Sunday 12 July 2009 20:20

ewwwww well look at it this way, at least now you don't have to waste your time on a 2nd date

By p00p0ster0us | 0

#390719 - Sunday 12 July 2009 20:25

Oh wow. What a crap-ass way to use you. Imagine, dating women to steal money from them. Wow. That guy has one foot in the grave.

By inbloom_fml | 0

#390730 - Sunday 12 July 2009 20:26

was your date pete doherty? fyl.

Reply

kynzilla | 0

#391335 - Monday 13 July 2009 2:14

I died lol'ing.

By yougetmecloserto | 0

#390743 - Sunday 12 July 2009 20:31

If the film industry has taught us anything, its that heroin addicts are young sexy Ewan Gregor-lookalikes, I wouldn't fuss if I were you.

Reply

grammar_nazi | 0

#391581 - Monday 13 July 2009 3:46

wtf

By master565 | 0

#390763 - Sunday 12 July 2009 20:36

at least it wasn't that much money

Reply

snowieflake | 0

#390835 - Sunday 12 July 2009 21:01

no kidding. at least it was only $40... he could have stolen your credit cards or even more cash... but yeah, FYL

Reply

freakdiablo | 0

#391003 - Sunday 12 July 2009 23:51

@19

With her credit card it would have been fairly easy to walk into a store and get cash back. It's kind of sad, but I've been to stores that don't check the name on the card.

Reply

humorizer | 14

#391612 - Monday 13 July 2009 4:02

Yeah, only if you know the pin number...

By master565 | 0

#390769 - Sunday 12 July 2009 20:38

the mone he stole was to pay for recovery

By deathbunny256 | 0

#390782 - Sunday 12 July 2009 20:41

What a shithead

By master565 | 0

#390784 - Sunday 12 July 2009 20:42

the mone he stole was to pay for recovery

By figuremeout | 0

#390800 - Sunday 12 July 2009 20:45

People suckk sorry grl at least it wasnt alot

By nattylight | 0

#390811 - Sunday 12 July 2009 20:47

how did you meet the guy. he obviously is a piece of shit. if you see him again you should kick him in the balls. lol