Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. After chatting...

By izazbouletz - 7/7/2019 22:00

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. After chatting in a pub, we went for a walk at the nearby marina. He tried to have sex with me bareback behind a lighthouse. FML

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By Ruinedchristmas - 28/11/2014 18:07 - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I came home after doing some Black Friday shopping for Christmas presents. I told my husband I got the must-have toy our daughter has been dying for. As soon as I said it, I heard squealing and turned around to see her standing right behind me. There goes the surprise. FML

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By Yes - 24/11/2009 16:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me to come over because we "needed to talk." Going down the stairs, I tripped and fell. I woke up from unconsciousness with a hurting leg and my boyfriend standing over me. Just as I was about to smile and ask for a kiss, he said, "Maybe we should take a break" and left. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 17:05 - United States

Today, another "gentleman" called and asked for my "services". This is happening a lot lately, because apparently I have the old number of a prostitute. I told him I'm not who he's looking for, to which he replied that I sound like a "sexy lady" and that he wanted to have some fun. FML

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By Username - 21/12/2010 05:09

Today, my boyfriend asked me to have phone sex with him. However, it seems he doesn't quite know what it is, so now he wants me to explain it to him. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2014 18:57 - United States

Today, I met up with my group for class. We were doing some final checks on the project we've been working on all semester, when I realized something about one guy's work seemed off. I googled it and found out it's almost completely plagiarized. It's all due in the morning. FML

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By Ticklish - 13/4/2014 09:33 - United States - Marion

Today, I realized that my boyfriend is so obsessed with tickling me that my body has developed a conditioned response. Now I flinch every time he touches me, no matter what we're doing. FML

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By Jess - 30/5/2009 12:48 - United States

Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2015 17:00 - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, I had to listen to Lou Bega's 'Mambo Number 5' on constant replay for 3 hours, because my little sister was trying to learn a dance for a recital. It would have been even longer than 3 hours, but she then realized that she was dancing to the wrong song. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I found out that the new management position I'm supposed to start in two days was delayed for a month and a half. I already quit my current job and called my boss gay. FML

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By cannabis_this420 - 17/3/2009 01:42 - United States

Today, my mother called me and told me that she went to the hospital. This wasn't a surprise 'cos she normally goes to the hospital for the smallest things. So, I was a smart ass and asked, "What now? You finally have lung cancer from all those cigarettes?" Apparently, she does. FML

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By VDM - 3/6/2013 21:16 - France - Poissy

Today, my 6-year-old son was so angry at me for not buying him overpriced candy at the airport, that he told a security guard I had a machine gun in my suitcase. The interrogation was not pleasant. FML

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By *sigh* - 8/12/2015 22:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I confronted my friend about the £260 he owes me. He got offended and said, "Friends don't have to pay back." He called me selfish and walked off. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2012 16:51 - United States

Today, my 12 year-old dog died. My boyfriend's attempts to comfort me involved him muttering, "At least she knows how to play dead now." FML

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By D-Man - 8/2/2012 13:08 - United States

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend got engaged to a co-worker. I got her the job. FML

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By fuuuuuh - 20/7/2012 05:47 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, my family of five and I decided to have homemade sushi. We did not prepare the fish correctly, and now we all have excruciating food poisoning. The worst part? We only have one bathroom. FML

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By lgt5628 - 26/9/2014 23:58 - United States - Miami

Today, a man approached my delivery van and asked for change for a $5 bill. I guess I should've expected him to grab the change and run off with the extra money. FML

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By letmeinplease - 22/3/2011 01:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I wasn't allowed to work from home, despite being ill enough to just take the day off anyway, so 'there could be someone to answer the phone'. The phone didn't ring once all day. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2013 21:43 - Iceland - Akureyri

Today, a package was delivered to my house, addressed to me, clearly marked "sexual health products". Inside were condoms, birth control pills, and an invoice made out to me. My parents went ballistic and grounded me. Whoever staged this "hilarious" prank: well played, asshole. FML

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By badtiming - 3/3/2015 17:18 - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I received a rejection letter from a job I desperately wanted. Yesterday, the job offer I'd been stalling on in while waiting for news about this one expired. FML

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By skyllabeauty1234 - 23/7/2015 03:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I am probably the only person in the world who can manage to pull a muscle in their neck while brushing their teeth. FML

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By Raw95 - 15/3/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I was eating at Steak N' Shake. I noticed that the cute waitress was checking me out. When I was done with my meal she wrote her number on the ticket. So, as I was walking out the door, I turned around to wave at her, and walked into a metal bar next to the door. FML

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By whoops - 3/10/2020 05:06

Trans women are women

Today, my son brought his new girlfriend home. I took him aside and hugged him, reassuring him that I loved and accepted him no matter his sexual preference. He looked at me confused and asked what I meant. His girl was obviously trans, but he had no idea. I didn’t know he didn’t know. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2013 07:13 - United States - Eagle Point

Today, my weird neighbor is a conspiracy theorist and thinks the government is trying to kill him. Someone thought it would be funny to shine a red laser light through his window. I was on the stairs when he ran past, screaming bloody murder, sending me down a flight of steps. FML

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By littl3storm - 9/6/2020 05:04

Summertime sadness

Today, as a treat to myself for completing my exams, I dyed my hair rainbow. In the process of dyeing my hair, I managed to roll over my foot, causing severe ligament damage in my foot and ankle. It's likely I'll end up with a cast. Goodbye summer. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2011 23:30 - United States

Today, I had my new girlfriend over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, my dad started poking her with his fork. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he barked back, "Just making sure she isn't a blow-up doll!" FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2011 17:49 - United States

Today, I had to take my dog to the vet for him to be put to sleep. I could feel the cold, hard shaft of irony slide its way up my ass and slowly fuck me senseless with every step I took on this beautiful National Dog Day. FML

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By HoboWithACondom - 31/8/2019 16:01

Today, my regressive boss fired me because he found out I'm dating his daughter. Now I'm concerned what he might do if he finds out she's pregnant with my child. FML

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By Dudeman5000 - 21/1/2009 06:59 - France

Today, I get home and there's a package waiting for me. I ordered something online 2 weeks ago for a girl I like. She's not available anymore. No refunds. FML

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By SadManKillMeNow - 25/5/2019 22:00

Today, after deactivating my Facebook page 4 days ago for stalking reasons - as in me stalking my ex - I reactivated it for approximately 3 minutes to see what his status update was, then deactivated it again. I'm just THAT pathetic. FML

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By 1357katie - 19/9/2009 04:22 - Canada

Today, I told my mom about the couple times that I'd skipped classes during high school. She got really mad and grounded me for a month. That would usually be normal except for the fact that I'm 27 and live in my own apartment. FML

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By Sofi - 21/8/2018 06:00

Today, I canceled going to a party with my sisters because I had a secret plan to have a threesome. They left for the party, but soon returned thinking it would be no fun without me. By then we were already making a lot of indecent noise. They heard it all. FML

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By Lisa - 28/10/2018 22:00

Today, I was turned down for a job because they thought I lied about having a six-month internship. Why? The secretary I told off for stealing my lunch every single day told them she hadn't heard of me, and the new company won't listen. FML

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By mvgirl - 22/10/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, while sitting with my son, an ice cream cone landed on my head from out of no where. I look up to see three children on the balcony above us yelling, "Look we hit the fat lady!" They ran away laughing. FML

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By Tanner - 16/7/2011 06:23 - United States

Today, I got mugged. I also got an extra kick in the face for not having money in my wallet. FML

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By Steven, Customer Service - 17/2/2017 10:00 - United States - Dover Plains

"Where are the white women at?"

Today, I took a call from a man who said his dating apps are connecting him with "black and oriental women" when he only wants white women. I spent 47 minutes on the phone with this customer trying to explain that I am only an AT&T Service Rep and have no control over any dating apps. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2011 16:17 - Canada

Today, I was using the toilet and decided to check out some FMLs. One made me laugh out loud as my room-mate was passing by the bathroom. He now tells everyone my penis is so small it makes even me laugh every time I see it. FML

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By tonedef - 9/7/2013 23:35 - United States

Today, after spending weeks working on a song that meant a lot to me, I reluctantly posted it online. The "friend" who'd convinced me to post it, commented, "This is the worst shit I've ever heard." He got 30 likes, along with a barrage of agreeing, equally terrible comments. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2013 21:21 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my girlfriend got into bed with me and started fooling around. I had a terrible migraine, which she knew, so I asked her to stop because it wasn't helping. She then yelled at me for being "ungrateful" and "selfish", and accused me of secretly being gay. FML

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By Black - 12/12/2008 03:31 - Lebanon

Today, I caught my cat humping my dog while he was asleep. I'm sleeping with the door closed from now on. FML

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By idontevencareanymore - 23/5/2014 21:25 - United States - Jarrell

Today, my mom came home drunk and crying, so I tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. She wasted no time admitting that she'd hooked up with her ex-husband, AKA my dad, but that it'd sucked for her because he has a tiny penis. Thanks, I really needed to know that. FML

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Top comments

By ahabsfan | 14

#7819003 - Sunday 7 July 2019 22:21

Practise safe sex. Always wear a saddle.

By Lucky O'Guin | 13

#7819011 - Sunday 7 July 2019 22:46

I think he just wanted to share a tinder moment with you.

COMMENTS

By ahabsfan | 14

#7819003 - Sunday 7 July 2019 22:21

Practise safe sex. Always wear a saddle.

By Ellie Mc Ivor | 10

#7819007 - Sunday 7 July 2019 22:39

key word is "tried"

By Lucky O'Guin | 13

#7819011 - Sunday 7 July 2019 22:46

I think he just wanted to share a tinder moment with you.

By Sonotsuave | 33

#7819022 - Monday 8 July 2019 0:11

That’s just a new low I’m sorry

By GamerChickxoxo | 16

#7819027 - Monday 8 July 2019 0:58

Careful now unprotected anal behind a lighthouse could lead to someone getting "shitwrecked" lol

By blueknight1st | 26

#7819031 - Monday 8 July 2019 1:17

You met him on Tinder, what did you expect?

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7819033 - Monday 8 July 2019 1:51

If you said no and he persisted, it could immediately become sexual assault if he gets physical/forceful.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7819038 - Monday 8 July 2019 2:12

Why is it other guys think they're entitled to some action the second a woman smiles at them? I'd hate to think what I'd be like if my brain was wired the same way.