Outdoorsy romance - FML

Outdoorsy romance

By Anonymous - 04/04/2020 17:00

Spicy

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. After chatting in a pub, we went for a walk at the marina nearby. He tried to have sex with me bareback behind the lighthouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 678

You deserved it 648

Triage

Stop talking!

Commando

I feel fine

By Anonymous - 26/08/2021 18:01

Today, my parents left me several frantic voicemails early this morning about the hurricane, totally in a panic that I wasn’t safe. I called them when I woke up and told them I was fine. They were actually angry that I wasn't in the eye of the storm, because they “worried for nothing.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 841

You deserved it 59

By jimmy - 30/11/2015 21:27 - Canada - Orangeville

Today, my 5-year-old son put my car keys in the microwave thinking that they would 'warm up' my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 913

You deserved it 2 455

By a man - 13/07/2013 13:20 - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend and I were at the movies. When the "love scene" came on, she leaned over and made out with the wrong man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 170

You deserved it 5 375

Weird romance

By Mike - 10/06/2021 08:01

Today, my coworker and I have been sharing the same girlfriend for over a year. She doesn’t know that we each know about the other, but now it’s all over. She blocked both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 375

You deserved it 832

By catdog - 02/01/2013 06:07 - United States - West Sacramento

Today, my neighbor went on vacation, leaving me in charge of his cat and dog. For some reason, he calls his dog "Cat" and his cat "Dog". There are two pet food containers, one labeled "Cat" and the other labeled "Dog". I have no idea which one goes to which animal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 468

You deserved it 4 511

All-natural, Facebook-sourced, Mother-in-law

By Calimero0 - 24/03/2020 16:00

Today, my mother-in-law thinks she's the only person in the world who can stop the coronavirus crisis. So far, she has brought thyme, honey, lemons, parsley, ridiculously expensive and poisonous silver water and, of course, the cure-all: berry juice. You'd wonder how I have managed to keep my family alive until now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 439

You deserved it 121

By Anonymous - 15/02/2014 22:44 - United States - Carlisle

Spicy

Today, I told my husband how frisky I was feeling, and asked him what he was going to do about it. He reached into our fruit bowl, tossed me a banana and told me to work it out, then returned to his video game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 647

You deserved it 8 770

By fml - 27/09/2011 19:25 - United States

Today, my mom tried to diagnose my sickness with advice she'd gotten from a dog magazine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 031

You deserved it 2 360

By swervelol - 14/07/2016 19:06

Today, as well as for the past two weeks, my brother has been making up songs about farts and singing them non-stop. He's 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 700

You deserved it 1 084

By MissSmarts - 14/12/2009 01:27 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store where this really cute guy works. I swiped my card but the machine wouldn't read it. I swiped it quickly some more before getting frustrated and saying, "Your stupid machine doesn't work!" He took the card and turned it around. His face said it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 960

You deserved it 39 515

By zzarzzur - 22/05/2015 06:55 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend of a week showed me her talent: shooting milk out of her vagina across the room. Goodbye dairy products. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 811

You deserved it 4 293

By Lenny_R - 08/12/2016 19:53

Today, I got pulled over for having an expired registration. I also found out my husband hasn't been paying for my car insurance. Luckily, I didn't get arrested because I had my baby with me. They towed my car and gave me 2 tickets and a court date. Oh, and the cop sent me a friend request. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 325

You deserved it 860

By THATgirl - 26/01/2018 15:00

Today, our wedding venue canceled on us, leaving us 8 months to find another in peak foliage season. My parents contacted the local news over the ordeal, but they're using my name and picture to make me look like a whiny brat who didn’t get her way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 990

You deserved it 1 174

Secret sex

By anonymous - 01/12/2019 14:00 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I had a dream that I had secret sex with Dumbledore more than once. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 736

You deserved it 432

By librarygirl - 13/08/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the library. A kid came up and asked me to help him peel the back off his sticker. It took me so long the kid left. Determined, I still tried to peel it off. Fifteen minutes later, the librarian came over, looked once at it, and told me it wasn't a sticker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 150

You deserved it 41 772

By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 07:28 - United States

Today, I overheard my mom telling my younger sister not to use my razors because she "doesn't know what I may have." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 922

You deserved it 4 961

By yaa - 26/05/2009 22:35 - Canada

Today, on my way out of the subway station, I noticed an older woman standing at the bottom of a flight of stairs with a large cart. I went up to her and asked if she needed help getting it up the stairs. She looks me up and down and says, "No, not from you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 000

You deserved it 4 245

By Anonymous - 05/04/2009 09:43 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I were in the middle of a heavy make-out session when his cell rang. Normally, he'd ignore it. This time however he pushed me off of him and said "Shit! It's probably my girlfriend!" I thought I was his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 161 597

You deserved it 16 350

By aldfgadfklbg - 13/03/2011 23:08 - United States

Today, I had a seizure. My dad responded by saying it always happens with my disease. I never have had a disease. Now I have to wait for my dad to stop yelling at my mom about not telling me, so I can ask what I have in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 072

You deserved it 3 114

Blues Junior III

By Anonymous - 05/10/2021 11:00

Today, one of my coworkers was recently promoted, so I'm now officially the last person of our team, hired in the same year, to still have "junior" as part of my job title. Not that it’s relevant, but I’m also the oldest member of the team by about 15 years, yet still "junior." FML

I agree, your life sucks 784

You deserved it 173

We're all in hell

By Looking4AnApartment - 16/02/2021 15:30 - United States - Bellmore

Today, it's the third day in a row my roommate has woken me up with blasting music, after keeping me up late listening to him screaming into his Xbox headset. His kids ate the last of my food. I can't even take a shit without one of them barging in. His whole fucking family is a walking condom commercial. FML

I agree, your life sucks 907

You deserved it 121

By Anonymous - 02/02/2011 14:30 - United States

Today, I was eating breakfast at an IHOP. As I was eating, the old man sitting directly behind me started discussing every aspect of his spastic colon, in vivid detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 154

You deserved it 3 004

Truth

By why - 04/11/2015 01:13 - United States

Today, it's easier to buy a house than it is to get out of a gym contract. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 770

You deserved it 2 169

By fffmmll - 21/03/2011 16:58 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 901

You deserved it 56 131

By leftwardfoil - 19/08/2011 06:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up to my roommate sniffing my underwear. He said he was checking if they were clean, so he could borrow them later. Which may have been reasonable, if I weren't still sleeping in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 368

You deserved it 3 342

By Hannah - 04/03/2012 20:46 - United States

Today, I faced down the Godzilla of all spiders. I smashed the goddamned holy shit out of it. Trying to impress my cute new roommate, I scooped up the remains and showed him. It was his pet tarantula. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 936

You deserved it 31 617

(facepalm)

By Anonymous - 06/02/2018 15:00

Today, while working roadside assistance, I arrived to a bewildered client who couldn't find their spare tire. The vehicle in question was a Jeep. I pointed out the spare, but was corrected as "that's just for decoration." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 877

You deserved it 287

Oh shit

By das_shizzle - 30/09/2020 23:02 - United States - Montesano

Today, as I was getting ready to go to class, I accidentally stepped in dog poop. I was in a hurry, so I scraped it off as best as I could. When I go to class, I noticed it smelled. The girl behind me noticed and said, "Mmmmm, smells like food in here." FML

I agree, your life sucks 932

You deserved it 92

By Anonymous - 19/07/2017 07:00 - United States - Coplay

Today, my school brought in therapy dogs to help with stress. I was attacked by one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 602

You deserved it 477

By purple - 24/03/2012 05:30 - United States - Katy

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend decided to pleasure me with a handjob. It was incredibly painful because she didn't understand that my foreskin isn't as flexible as she thought it to be. I didn't have the heart to tell her to stop until she asked, "Is it supposed to turn this color?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 982

You deserved it 12 251

By Anonymous - 09/11/2011 12:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't follow her latest fad of becoming a goth, which involves dressing like an undertaker's haunted hearse and putting on eyeliner. Last week she was into Reggae and beanie hats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 018

You deserved it 13 377

By Anonymous - 30/01/2016 21:54

Today, my dad decided I was too hairy and taught me to shave. This would be a great bonding experience if I weren't a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 802

You deserved it 2 335

By Anonymous - 16/07/2009 06:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, at the end of a night of heavy drinking, I decided it was a good idea to go off into the park with a friend of mine. We ended up fooling around in the park, when a couple of kids stole our clothes. We had to walk back to town with no clothes on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 492

You deserved it 74 081

By buckid310 - 03/11/2009 21:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, a woman evidently posted on a chat website asking for any young men to send pictures of their junk to her cell phone. Over 60 messages were sent, mostly by underage boys, most of them including the picture. Only problem. The number posted wasn't hers... It was mine. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 834

You deserved it 2 639

By Anonymous - 22/03/2009 13:04 - Malta

Spicy

Today, my parents were out so I invited my girlfriend over. It was the afternoon, and things started to heat up. We were having sex, and I was about to finish. Then I looked through the window, to see a construction worker (who was fixing the house next to mine) giving me a thumbs up. He's her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 196 124

You deserved it 34 583

By Fire_Princess16 - 17/10/2017 04:20

Today, my boyfriend managed to convince me that Australia was called a penal colony because all the prisoners were men. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 778

You deserved it 3 036

By This_Is_Me1982 - 03/01/2011 17:51 - Canada

Today, I found out that my friend makes more money than I do. She's a high school dropout and working at a retail job at the mall. I went to college for four years to get my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 530

You deserved it 5 161

By MyS3lf - 19/04/2011 02:33 - United States

Today, I woke up to a strange sound that sounded like a lot of water being poured into a sink. It was actually my father in law using the bathtub as a toilet. He's staying with us, and is showing no signs of leaving any time soon. He thinks this is acceptable behavior. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 047

You deserved it 3 308

By anon - 10/01/2015 02:13 - United States - Dallas

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were going to sext before going to sleep. It was very late, but I said I'd stay up for him. He sent a text asking me if I was ready. Me replying "yes" was the last thing I remember before I fell asleep on my horny boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 200

You deserved it 10 407

By foreveralone - 13/01/2014 01:00 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I went to the doctor, only to find out I can no longer eat chocolate, my favorite food. When I got home, my boyfriend took the chocolate cake I'd been eating from the fridge, sat down in front of me, and ate the whole thing without breaking eye contact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 135

You deserved it 7 123

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Top comments

2deployments1divorce 7

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Saturday 4 April 2020 17:12

Where in the world is a pub open?

themetropolitan 17

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Sunday 5 April 2020 0:11

Don't take "today" too litterally. All FML's must start with "today" even if the story actually happened 10 years ago.

Comments

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 4 April 2020 17:12

That's kind of what Tinder is designed for. Is the FML that he didn't have a love-glove or that he didn't ravish you on his yacht?

2deployments1divorce 7

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Saturday 4 April 2020 17:12

Where in the world is a pub open?

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Saturday 4 April 2020 19:58

Exactly my thought

themetropolitan 17

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Sunday 5 April 2020 0:11

Don't take "today" too litterally. All FML's must start with "today" even if the story actually happened 10 years ago.

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Saturday 4 April 2020 17:42

Question, did you CONSENT to any sex, bareback or not?

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Saturday 4 April 2020 20:09

booboo you suck

jbuckets_404 38

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Saturday 4 April 2020 20:40

OP, so you're saying that your Tinder date had really bad "bedroom" technique??? Gee, that's too bad. :-( Maybe he just needs more practice - or perhaps said lighthouse was too phallically intimidating for him to perform as intended, no? --Added the apparently necessary: [/S - is for sarcasm; sheesh!]

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Saturday 4 April 2020 21:33

First time using Tinder?

WistayShlaio82 13

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Sunday 5 April 2020 4:09

Where in the world is there a pub still open

jbuckets_404 38

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Sunday 5 April 2020 10:53

Iran, Russia, and lots of other (totalitarian-run) countries where supposedly there is no coronavirus (per their gov't-owned media outlets)....

Kelsey Johnson 9

Monday 6 April 2020 1:39

so much for social distancing

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Friday 10 April 2020 15:32

I thought that was what Tinder was for. It’s not a hookup thing?

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Saturday 9 May 2020 11:39

what else do you expect from a dating app.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 6

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 111

You deserved it 47

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 340

You deserved it 38