Work: Today, I watched my co-worker throw the mother of all temper... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 267

You deserved it 33

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 497

You deserved it 134

27/10/2014 16:25

Today, I watched my co-worker throw the mother of all temper tantrums. He's a radio personality, and just learned that he's not famous enough to use the "Don't you know who I am?" line to get out of a traffic ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 254

You deserved it 3 147

Vulture

Age difference

Alexa, play "Unhappy Birthday" by The Smiths

06/06/2015 16:29

Today, I decided to wax my eyebrows. My entire eyebrow came off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 953

You deserved it 13 870

05/11/2009 22:14

Today, I finally finished my art project which was worth 50% of my quarterly grade. I came in 1st period to give it to her. When she turned to look at it, her elbow hit her coffee and spilled it all over the canvas. I got 60%. She said I would have had a 100%, except for the giant coffee stain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 526

You deserved it 3 475

17/01/2010 13:44

Today, my friend decided it was funny to burp in my face. The burp was actually vomit. We were in the food court at the mall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 092

You deserved it 2 702

03/01/2011 11:18

Today, I was at my friend's house. We were looking at her dad's guns, and I was explaining gun safety and how you should never put your finger on the trigger. I then shot a hole in the floor of her house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 348

You deserved it 44 776

Dealing with it

By Anonymous - 26/03/2020 02:05

Today, my husband's idea of social isolation is to lock himself in his caravan with his Xbox, 200 cans of beer and a dozen takeaway menus. I’ve not seen him in 6 days, and when I tried to force entry to tell him to snap out of it, he sprayed disinfectant at me until I couldn’t breathe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 067

You deserved it 435

12/06/2016 12:37

Today, I was trying to get my girlfriend to speak Mandarin. After speaking her first words and taking a break, she posted on Facebook: "I speak ching chong! :D :D :D" FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 510

You deserved it 2 156

16/07/2012 06:04

Today, I called the cops to let them know that a drunk man was driving dangerously down my road. About an hour later, I was going to the store and got pulled over for speeding by the cop I called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 210

You deserved it 36 129

30/01/2018 06:00

Today, I ended up in an awkward position during sex and dislocated my knee. My wife accused me of doing it on purpose to criticize her for being too fat and heavy for sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 280

You deserved it 506

23/03/2012 05:55

Spicy

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 234

You deserved it 5 206

Don't drink and DIY

By bob the builders pissed off daughter - 29/12/2015 23:52

Today, my dad got drunk and decided to fix everything in the house he thought was broken. Now the oven won't cook, half the floorboards from the stairs are piled in the garden, we put the TV back together but now it is stuck on mute, and we still have no idea where he has put my bedroom door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 952

You deserved it 1 386

Turntables

By Bill Mantie - 18/04/2021 02:00

Spicy

Today, after months of successfully taking strides to boost my long diminished libido, I found out my girlfriend, who always had a healthy sex drive, has now lost hers. Oh, how the tables have turned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 109

Thanks, I hate it

By Anonymous - 08/05/2021 03:59

Today, my husband excitedly came home from the gun show with a new lower receiver. I, however, had to go back out and get my own birthday cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 899

You deserved it 102

17/07/2009 15:01

Today, while backpacking in Switzerland I had my camera stolen. Not only does this have photos of my entire trip but the pictures I took for my best friend's wedding. I was the only photographer of her elopement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 051

You deserved it 12 180

24/06/2012 18:41

Today, a kid got his hand stuck inside my store's giant gumball machine. He started crying, and his negligent train-wreck of a mom bitched me out for being "unobservant." I'd been mopping up the mess she'd made after she spilled an open can of beer all over the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 632

You deserved it 1 808

08/10/2012 05:39

Spicy

Today, I surprised my boyfriend with a bag containing condoms and sexy lingerie. He looks into it and says, "I hope you kept the receipt." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 382

You deserved it 4 477

27/07/2012 14:10

Today, I asked my husband if he knew what day it was. His answer was, "garbage day?" It's our six-year anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 917

You deserved it 3 536

Family Matters

By MeLandes - 28/06/2021 14:01

Today, I found out I will always come in second to my new husband's alcoholic parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 821

You deserved it 106

12/02/2014 01:37

Today, my wife tried to report our neighbor's yard sale to the Better Business Bureau. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 043

You deserved it 4 921

02/03/2018 19:30

Today, I woke up after being sick from the flu and tried to get out of bed. I forgot I was in a bunk bed and broke my ankle in the fall down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 252

You deserved it 824

31/01/2013 17:08

Spicy

Today, thanks to our computer's browser history, I found out that my wife has been searching for local therapists who deal with cases of severe sex addiction. We've only had sex twice since we got married four months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 212

You deserved it 3 691

15/02/2012 14:18

Today, I wanted to freshen up my room, so I bought some Febreze. Standing on my bed, I began to spray, not noticing that the air vent directly across was turned on. The spray came directly back at me. The doctor says that the irritation in my eyes may last for several days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 041

You deserved it 25 108

16/11/2010 12:28

Today, I was pulled over by the cops for a random breathalyzer test. They asked to see my license. I always keep my wallet in my car for situations like this. I received a $100 ticket because my mum apparently didn’t think it was a good idea to keep my wallet in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 303

You deserved it 7 053

04/09/2009 14:50

Today, I went para sailing for the first time ever. My friends thought it would be funny to pull down my trunks right before my feet left the boat. I dangled there in the air for the whole resort to see. And I lost my shorts in the ocean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 741

You deserved it 3 451

06/12/2009 04:30

Today, I realized I've lived alone too long. I read 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' to my cat. I used expression in my voice, and I made sure he could see the pictures. My son called, and I told him about it. He gave me the number for the local psychiatric ward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 483

You deserved it 9 830

13/06/2010 09:56

Today, it was a little colder than it should be for this time of year, and as a result I was using the heater in my car. Apparently within the last four months, a mouse managed to make his way into my heater vent and die. I can not get the smell of death out of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 219

You deserved it 3 319

26/03/2009 16:36

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend came up to me and told me we would never do anything sexual in our relationship. She said I was too adorable to take seriously in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 136 812

You deserved it 10 507

30/04/2011 05:21

Today, I went out on a date with an ex boyfriend that I hadn't seen since college. He took me to a bar, where he was oddly quiet, but drank heavily. When the bartender asked us if we were ok, he replied, "This is my ex girlfriend. Can you believe she used to be skinny?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 018

You deserved it 7 958

Free the Flow!

By Lunar-Spice - 23/10/2019 14:00

Today, I went to take a shower. I noticed a funky smell, but I just assumed it was from whoever had been there last. When I pulled the shower curtain back, I found out that my sister has stopped using feminine hygiene products for her period. It looked like someone had died in the bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 779

You deserved it 164

Run away time!

By CreepedOut - 09/03/2010 06:31

Today, I walked into a subway car which was empty except for this sleeping hobo. Three stops later, the guy wakes up and starts peeing in the corner. I ignore it thinking he'll go back to sleep. Silly me, I didn't realize that he would start running towards me, still peeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 986

You deserved it 2 794

27/08/2009 00:37

Today, I was at a club with my girlfriend of a year. A guy starts hitting on her while I'm sitting right next to her. He then asks her to go back to his place for some fun, I start laughing thinking that there is no chance she would even consider this. I walked home alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 797

You deserved it 8 585

09/04/2019 12:00

Today, I found out that the threatening and insulting messages I received from my boyfriend's "stalker ex" were actually sent by him. Why? Because he cheated and he didn't want to admit it. I'm dating a psycho. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 247

You deserved it 216

22/08/2016 11:49

Today, I found out that one of my colleagues believes that aliens built the pyramids. No amount of logical reasoning or evidence has had any effect on his argument of, "but you can't prove they didn't." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 435

You deserved it 1 422

11/11/2016 03:01

Today, I tried to make things less awkward by complimenting my Tai Chi partner's ring and he says, "Thanks, it's a purity ring!" I said, "I used to have one of those. Would you believe me if I said I lost it in a river?" Now my entire Tai Chi class thinks I lost my virginity in a river. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 931

You deserved it 2 672

03/09/2014 02:41

Today, while undergoing the cumbersome task of screwing the tiny silver ball onto my lip piercing, I clumsily dropped it onto the counter and watched it bounce into the trash can, where it nestled snugly into a used maxi pad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 729

You deserved it 14 710

26/12/2009 16:18

Today, I was told by 'Seventeen' to add liquid highlighter to my foundation for an all-over glow. Little did I know that liquid highlighter is an actual makeup product. I now have an awful rash due to applying the ink from a highlighter pen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 713

You deserved it 93 571

15/09/2018 13:00

Today, my neighbour's kitten got run over, so I bought her chocolate as comfort food. When I gave it to her she joked, "Now I'm going to get fat." It was at that moment that my brain stepped out and my mouth took over and I heard myself say, "You deserve it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 357

You deserved it 829

Scratchy

By Lice FML - 25/06/2021 06:01

Today, my kids and I discovered the party hats from the party we just went to were infested with lice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 944

You deserved it 64

17/11/2015 00:21

Today, I called my boss to ask if my paycheck had been deposited yet. He said no, that my grandmother came in to work and picked it up. Confused, I called her. She is holding it ransom until I start calling home every day. I do, but she gets so drunk, she doesn't remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 145

You deserved it 1 898

Splashed out

By bit_fluff - 20/10/2020 02:01

Today, I decided to redye my hair. And the sink, and the wall, and the toilet seat, and the tub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 463

You deserved it 797

12/01/2013 20:12

Today, I spontaneously poured my heart out for my boyfriend, telling him how much I love and adore him. He answered by leaning in close, saying "Jolly good" in an affected accent, and burping loud and clear in my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 402

You deserved it 5 063

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Top comments

Nederlander95 14

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Monday 27 October 2014 22:02

At least that's good material to make fun of him for on air if you're ever on his channel

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Monday 27 October 2014 22:04

Ha, serves him right for trying to exploit the system through power/ fame . "I'm Ron burgundy."

Comments

Nederlander95 14

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Monday 27 October 2014 22:02

At least that's good material to make fun of him for on air if you're ever on his channel

sayyestothedress 24

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Monday 27 October 2014 22:38

Lol! It's funny cuz nobody notices the voices of the people on the radio! They mostly remember their names

abdullahcakeman 13

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Monday 27 October 2014 23:37

I still have sex with horses

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Monday 27 October 2014 22:03

How does that affect you!

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Monday 27 October 2014 22:05

No one likes a grown ass baby, nor do they wanna watch you complain.

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Monday 27 October 2014 22:03

So much for being high and mighty. I'd laugh at the guy.

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Monday 27 October 2014 22:04

Ha, serves him right for trying to exploit the system through power/ fame . "I'm Ron burgundy."

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Monday 27 October 2014 22:55

i got out of a speeding ticket once because the cop liked my very very ripped jeans. i didnt exploit it though, didnt even tease or anything. he noticed on his own

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Tuesday 28 October 2014 1:15

lol...

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Tuesday 28 October 2014 12:43

And this has anything to do with the comment you replied to?

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Monday 27 October 2014 22:04

This doesn't even affect you.

toxic_walrus 15

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Monday 27 October 2014 22:04

Even if he was famous enough, I'm sure cops probably don't like that and will Ive your ass a ticket anyway

cadillacgal79 32

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Monday 27 October 2014 22:38

At least this wasn't like the time Justina Barbie got pulled over, said to the cop "look me up" and drove off.

Zebediabolical 39

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Monday 27 October 2014 22:55

Was she related to Klaus Barbie?

ThePaperDragon 31

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Monday 27 October 2014 22:05

He had to realize sooner or later, I suppose. . .

sweetest_jenn 18

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Tuesday 28 October 2014 4:38

That being a pompous prick will get you nowhere? yes ma'am!!

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Monday 27 October 2014 22:07

Well you certainly "know who he is". A douche bag.

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Tuesday 28 October 2014 3:12

*Douchecanoe*

Mynamewontfi 40

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Monday 27 October 2014 22:08

Your co-worker sounds like an ass. Who cares who he is, if he's fined he should just pay the ticket.

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Monday 27 October 2014 22:08

I'm from a small city in Ontario, Canada, and we have a lot of independent radio show hosts. A few of them really do have an ego, and it makes me happy when their grand, narcissistic personalities are flattened by someone who just doesn't give a shit if they're homeless... or the queen. I told one of them to screw off because he bounced on an event I hired him for. He used a similar line - "You're missing out on (my city's) number one host!".

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Tuesday 28 October 2014 4:13

I'm from Ontario too, and you're so right about the radio hosts. This girl at my school is always trying to get out of doing homework because her moms "the most famous radio host in the city", even though I've never even heard of her show.

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Tuesday 28 October 2014 9:16

What is this "radio" you speak of?