Kids: Today, I was woken up to the crushing of my balls after my 5-year-old... - FML

By jjjjjohn cena - 13/08/2015 01:44 - United States - Omaha

Spicy

Today, I was woken up to the crushing of my balls after my 5-year-old son thought it would be the best way to wake me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 679

You deserved it 2 158

You tried

Empathy lives

Scarcity

Almost father

By Anonymous - 12/02/2020 14:00 - United States

Today, my 15 year old girlfriend called to tell me she is pregnant. Her dad is ex-military, and makes a point of cleaning his guns every time I go to her house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 175

You deserved it 109 128

By ow - 18/12/2016 18:33

Today, while playing paintball, a shot ricocheted off a wall and slammed into my nuts. I told the other team I was out and tried to run out of the field, but as I was jogging to the door I was hit again in the balls. My friend saw this and dropped his gun, laughing. It hit me too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 621

You deserved it 590

By Chicketi - 11/02/2009 14:45 - Canada

Today, I cut myself on a band-aid box, while trying to get one out for another cut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 936

You deserved it 8 227

Gaslighting 101

By mommy issues - 03/12/2021 19:56 - United States

Today, my mom refuses to believe that she’s responsible for my anxiety and nervous bowel conditions. She has screamed and berated me literally every day since I can remember. She would burst into my room and accuse me of hiding someone in there, and constantly used her religion to bully me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 064

You deserved it 87

I hate the be the bearer of bad news…

By Anonymous - 05/02/2021 23:01

Today, I texted my sister to ask her if she was OK after finding out that one of her oldest friends had died. She didn’t know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 881

You deserved it 74

Could go either way, really

By Idon'thave£12000 - 06/05/2019 16:00

Today, I received a full scholarship to the university of my dreams in England. Being born into a fairly poor family, I've never received anything for free and I worked on my grades like a dog last semester to achieve this. However, the scholarship is only valid if the UK stays in the EU. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 462

You deserved it 181

By Gennifer - 22/04/2012 05:20 - United States - Hackensack

Today, I found out my fiancé has been cheating on me for the past month. The lady he has been seeing is a choreographer that was teaching him how to dance salsa for our wedding rehearsal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 176

You deserved it 2 611

By Jumanji - 12/12/2008 06:05 - France

Spicy

Today, I opened my laptop in the train to watch a good film I had downloaded. Of course, it was a fake and the whole carriage was allowed to watch and hear five seconds of butt licking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 924

You deserved it 11 977

By kitkat1740 - 17/11/2015 00:21 - United States - Concord

Today, I called my boss to ask if my paycheck had been deposited yet. He said no, that my grandmother came in to work and picked it up. Confused, I called her. She is holding it ransom until I start calling home every day. I do, but she gets so drunk, she doesn't remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 158

You deserved it 1 899

By Baby eater - 20/05/2014 00:00 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I told my 4-year-old neighbor that I'm pregnant. His response was to attack me with a stick "for swallowing a baby." Three people had to pull him off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 396

You deserved it 5 812

By Anonymous - 15/06/2015 02:40 - United States

Today, my grown up, unemployed boyfriend stole 70 dollars from my wallet and tried to hide it in two different places in case he needed to ditch me and go out by himself. He got angry when I confronted him and stormed out. He feels perfectly entitled. I work, pay rent and buy food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 350

You deserved it 7 116

By Anonymous - 08/01/2011 20:15 - Netherlands

Today, I called my boyfriend for a romantic night at home. I put on my hottest little dress, dimmed the lights, and put music on. My boyfriend stumbled in much later, drunk, and took one look at me before throwing up on my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 746

You deserved it 4 129

By chloe_zjk - 18/02/2015 05:22 - France

Today, I'm an intern working in a company's reception area, which happens to have a coffee dispenser. As I'm the new girl, every client getting coffee wants to buy me one. I'm too polite to say no. It's 10:26 AM, and I'm on cup #17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 636

You deserved it 12 172

By oldlady - 08/11/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, after a trip to my doctor I found out that my recent mood swings and hot flashes are the result of a hormonal imbalance that mimics the effects of menopause. I'm a 17 year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 072

You deserved it 2 449

By Anonymous - 05/09/2015 08:39 - United Kingdom

Today, while using a portable restroom at the park, I discovered all too late that some very hostile and territorial hornets had made it their home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 303

You deserved it 1 730

By dgordo3 - 09/02/2009 01:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, on my way home from watching a movie with a girl, I began having an erection because I thought I could kiss her goodnight. She dropped me off at home, and with my full blown erection, I walked in front of her car with the headlights on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 190

You deserved it 45 792

By FartyCar - 30/11/2018 17:30

Today, I found a bag of frozen broccoli in my car boot from when I went shopping 3 days ago. My whole car smells like farts now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 039

You deserved it 985

By needlessly hungry - 10/03/2019 20:00

Today, when I tried to give blood, I was turned down before I even made it through the information packet. Why? Because I had thought I was supposed to fast for 24 hours beforehand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 929

You deserved it 3 378

By Anonymous - 10/11/2012 07:23 - United States

Today, while at work, a customer gave me a $20 tip. I explained to him we aren't allowed to accept tips, but he insisted. When I called the manager to report it, he pocketed my tip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 425

You deserved it 30 246

Right place, wrong person

By Anonymous - 11/02/2021 05:01

Today, I came home and heard a noise in the bathroom. I figured it was my girlfriend, so I went over and as the door closed, I told her not to close the door as I've seen her beautiful body before. Turns out it was our roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 285

You deserved it 1 005

By emily - 23/06/2019 06:45

Today, I learned in my child development class that lying in toddlers is a sign of intelligence. I clearly remember that I didn’t even understand the concept of lying until I was 6 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 229

You deserved it 190

By oogabooga9 - 08/11/2017 15:00

Today, I was clearing out the garage when a large bouncy ball rolled into the drive. Only when I blasted it full force with my foot and collapsed did I realise it was actually a bowling ball. Two of my toes are broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 696

You deserved it 4 273

By Rory - 23/07/2009 04:26 - United States

Today, I got very dressed up and was excited for my uncle's wedding. While standing in line for photos, I heard my dad's voice from behind me say "Who's the hot chick in the brown dress?" My uncle responds "Uh, that's your daughter." Silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 376

You deserved it 4 794

By danmarino - 09/03/2009 23:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, these kids in my math class told me to ask this girl if I could lick her clit. I basically yelled, "What's a clit?" Everyone looked at me. I'm a senior in high school, no one has yet to explain it to me. I had to google it when I got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 704

You deserved it 83 601

By Quincy_Ethan - 29/08/2014 21:22 - United States - Killeen

Today, my little sister was using my phone to play games. About an hour later, she came to me and said my phone wouldn't work. Turns out my phone had gotten hot and she put it in water to cool it down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 144

You deserved it 5 325

By leigh2812 - 05/01/2010 22:03 - France

Today, I was watching Free Willy with my boyfriend. It was at the part where the boy leaned into the water to give Willy a hug. I asked, "How do you even hug a whale?" My boyfriend rolled over and gave me a hug, and said, "Like this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 732

You deserved it 14 429

By Anonymous - 08/02/2010 18:23 - United States

Today, I got ice cream with a guy I'd met at a wrestling match a few days ago. When I got home, I found out that my mother had been sitting in the parking lot and watched us through the windows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 254

You deserved it 2 805

By Anonymous - 23/09/2015 08:51 - United Kingdom - Bargoed

Today, my ex came out as transgender. I had absolutely no problem with this, in fact I celebrated her bravery. What I did have a problem with was all my friends immediately assuming that this was the reason I broke up with her, and not that she'd cheated on me for 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 091

You deserved it 1 880

Philosophical

By Too available to be sexy - 04/05/2019 20:00

Spicy

Today, during foreplay, my husband asked if I found him sexually attractive. When I asked him back, after a yes, he was silent for two minutes then went into a ten-minute philosophical discussion on the nature of attractiveness. He would find me more attractive if I wasn't his wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 530

You deserved it 298

By cargaljen - 17/05/2014 21:34 - United States - Olathe

Today, a nice couple came in to buy a car. I offered to drive it out from the line of cars for them, since it was a tight squeeze. They then watched as I managed to back it straight into another car, causing a large amount of damage to both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 867

You deserved it 22 033

Can't do the time? Don't do the crime!

By Anonymous - 04/12/2020 19:58 - United States - Mountain View

Today, my entire family was diagnosed with COVID. My son's school decided I was well enough to homeschool him on Zoom all day. My head feels like it’s going to explode and all I want to do is sleep. Did I mention my ADHD son has no symptoms? FML

I agree, your life sucks 886

You deserved it 131

By no paedo - 11/03/2016 20:35 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be funny to change my ringtone to some guy crooning "Thank heaven for little girls" and then call me during today's teacher-parent conference. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 878

You deserved it 1 962

By BbyDelight - 27/04/2009 03:39 - Canada

Today, it was my mom's birthday. I decided to get her a Willow Tree statue of a woman fairy holding a heart. After dinner, I presented my gift. My mother asked me how much it was. I replied, $30. She threw me a dirty look, shoved the present in my direction, and told me to return it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 736

You deserved it 8 612

By Pita - 04/12/2010 20:35 - United States

Today, I learned that the cute pet name my boyfriend has been calling me for the past month is actually an acronym for "pain in the a**". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 316

You deserved it 6 551

Frustration level: 2000

By Anonymous - 12/08/2020 05:01

Spicy

Today, I have an incredibly high sex drive. My boyfriend doesn't. He made me throw away my, rarely used, sex toys because he's jealous of them. I wouldn't need them if we had sex more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 953

You deserved it 335

By effmylife - 06/09/2009 23:12 - Canada

Today, when I was finished eating at McDonalds, I went to Shoppers to pick up a new toothbrush. I got back to my car only to find the windows smashed in. The only thing that was missing from my car was the Hello Kitty toy I got from McDonalds. Someone broke into my car for a 10 cent toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 090

You deserved it 3 656

By BannedfromFriend - 20/05/2015 23:21 - United States

Today, I was at my best friend's house, listening to him complain about his mother remembering all the bad stuff he did when he was in high school. I jokingly said, "An elephant never forgets." Guess who was behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 787

You deserved it 10 880

By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 02:06 - United States

Today, I spoke with my boyfriend's crazy ex-girlfriend. Actually, she isn't all that crazy. He really did cheat on her with half a dozen other girls. The same girls he's apparently cheating on me with. How do I know for sure? Thank you crazy ex for his email passwords. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 041

You deserved it 5 195

Cloud Cuckooland

By Perry85 - 04/03/2020 03:02

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend's husband heard us having sex, but he's so naive, he believed her when she said we were just watching porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 380

You deserved it 3 023

By christous - 22/11/2008 04:42 - France

Today, I should have given my first concert in front of a crowded audience. As we were about to go on stage my band decided to roll a joint outside. The cops just happened to pass by and now I'm on my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 449

You deserved it 4 948

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Thursday 13 August 2015 9:31

That's like don't bite the hand the feeds you........ Don't destroy the balls that created you.

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Thursday 13 August 2015 9:44

I have a three year old little boy who either farts in my face or peels my eyelid open and pokes me in the eye. More often than not it's a poke in the eye. He thinks it's hilarious... It's a shitty way to wake up, but it is pretty fuckin hilarious. Never a dull day with little kids around.

Comments

IssacB 14

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Thursday 13 August 2015 9:26

..Well it worked didn't it? lol sorry OP

Nessco 36

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Thursday 13 August 2015 10:36

Not sure it's the best way, I'd go with most effective.

Regimental_Phan 18

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Thursday 13 August 2015 20:13

Am I the only one who though that OP's name made this FML even funnier?

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Thursday 13 August 2015 9:27

Well...you are awake now, maybe he was right.

trollcrusher 17

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Thursday 13 August 2015 22:53

Yes, awake indeed! Perhaps bawling, vomiting, newly sterilized... but oh yes, totally conscious. It certainly sounds like an effective way to get a guy up, just with some collateral damage. OP, I hope no lasting harm was inflicted.

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Thursday 13 August 2015 9:31

That's like don't bite the hand the feeds you........ Don't destroy the balls that created you.

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Thursday 13 August 2015 14:17

You sir... Up you go.

psychopolarbear 28

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Thursday 13 August 2015 19:40

At this rate, he'll never have to worry about another kid putting him through this

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Thursday 13 August 2015 9:33

maybe he's more evil than you think and this is how he's trying to secure his place as an only child

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Thursday 13 August 2015 9:44

I have a three year old little boy who either farts in my face or peels my eyelid open and pokes me in the eye. More often than not it's a poke in the eye. He thinks it's hilarious... It's a shitty way to wake up, but it is pretty fuckin hilarious. Never a dull day with little kids around.

laden_swallow09 34

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Thursday 13 August 2015 14:39

If you think your own masochism is pretty fuckin hilarious, I'll appreciate my choice to live without making children that much more. Thank you.

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Thursday 13 August 2015 20:49

Ugh, my daughter like to creepily tickle my neck while staring at me with her eyes wide open.... So many heart attacks!

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Thursday 13 August 2015 9:48

i feel sorry for you op, but maybe you should try to explain him that it's not nice to hit people in the balls

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Thursday 13 August 2015 9:49

Sorry OP. Maybe he was just making sure that he was the last child you'll have...

iwanttogotoparis 26

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Thursday 13 August 2015 9:58

Don't you just love children?

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Thursday 13 August 2015 10:10

well atleast you already have a kid, in case your balls are broken now haha

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Thursday 13 August 2015 10:17

I thought the saying was "Wakey, wakey, hands off snakey..." Clearly your son didn't get the memo.

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Thursday 13 August 2015 22:29

Isn't is "Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey"?

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Friday 14 August 2015 8:58

I was quoting My Name is Earl.

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 7

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 322

You deserved it 867

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 785

You deserved it 1 076