Today, I was sitting next to the guy I like and he was doing... - FML

By theatreismylife - 27/4/2009 01:14 - United States

Today, I was sitting next to the guy I like and he was doing homework. Then, he looks up, his eyes meeting mine. His smooth voice mutters my name as his face inches closer to mine. I can feel his minty breath against my face. My pulse is racing. Then, he says "What's a pronoun?" FML

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Or he's just becoming an old goober

Business savvy

Night terrors

By - 12/1/2017 14:00

Today, I was enjoying my first vacation day in 2 years. My boss then called me to come in, saying it was an emergency. I got to work and got fired. Yes, my boss made me come in just to fire me. FML

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By James - 30/3/2012 18:44 - United States

Today, my eleven year old daughter called me a moron, after I told her she was dead wrong when she claimed that rabbits lay eggs. FML

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By oofouchmyvagooter - 6/10/2019 16:00

The Rupture

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in over a week, because I had been having weird cramps. Afterwards, I was experiencing the worst pain I’ve felt in my entire life, so we went to the ER. Turns out my cramping was from an ovarian cyst, and having sex made it rupture. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, I took my driving test. Completing the test, we returned and parked at the testing facility. As my tester was complimenting me, I leaned down to wind my window up, catching my long hair in the window. Frantically thrashing, I put the car in drive and floored it into a concrete wall. FML

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By a - 12/2/2010 06:20 - United States

Today, I walked across my kitchen to go get my mom a blanket after she shoveled snow. I slipped and caught the kitchen chair with my side, landed on the floor and almost fracturing my knee cap. She then told me she wasn't cold. FML

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By retailshell - 28/1/2015 15:01 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was ringing up a woman at work. I saw she'd bought a birthday cake, so I smiled and said I hope whoever it was for has a happy birthday. She looked at me in disgust, told me to mind my own business, then called me a "chucklefuck bitch". Okay then. FML

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By drfrogpepper - 1/1/2011 23:50 - United States

Today, I was dumped by the guy who serenaded me with his guitar and admitted he had feelings for me. Why? Because the girl who had continuously been rejecting him for so long finally decided to give him a chance. FML

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By KoNi - 21/11/2008 07:23 - France

Today, my 14-year-old little sister asked me how I felt when I had my first sexual intercourse. I told her it was personal and was none of her business. She then looked at me and said "I thought it was nice". I'm 19 and I'm still a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2019 02:00

All true

Today, I found out that my mother-in-law thinks that Trump is the "best man to walk the earth since Jesus," and that he's "fighting the deep state who's in control of the fake news." She tried to indoctrinate me. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2013 19:12 - Norway - Oslo

Today, my boyfriend bought me a silver necklace. I have a silver allergy, but I thanked him anyway and encouraged him to return it. I found out later that he knew about my allergy all along and bought it on purpose so he could return it, get a refund, and still look good. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2012 14:14 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I had a conversation about how Victoria Beckham ate fruit salad for her birthday, as if it was an important subject. FML

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By yggiz - 29/8/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, I learned to never shave your downstairs when you have the hiccups. FML

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By queen_lol - 10/5/2016 17:14 - United States

Today, I was at a party at my boyfriend's house. As I was walking past him, he pulled me onto his lap and started introducing me to a childhood friend. I sneezed and accidently peed on him. I'm 6 months pregnant and can't control my bladder. FML

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By Earths_Venus - 25/12/2009 06:28 - Australia

Today, I sat for 3 hours at my boyfriend's Christmas celebrations. He has 22 cousins. They open presents one at a time. In silence. I got nothing. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, I got my belly button pierced. The guy put a small dot with a sharpie right above the center of my belly button so he knew exactly where to pierce. I also have a small freckle noticeably to the left of center of my belly button. Guess which one he pierced through. FML

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By Crap - 30/7/2015 00:57 - United States - Seminole

Today, I had horrible diarrhea at work. When I felt the bubbling, I ran to the bathroom. An agonizing bowel movement later, I realized that there was no toilet paper in the stall. Just as I was about to ask a coworker who was in the bathroom for some, the fire alarm went off. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2018 01:30

Today, while bringing my baby an early-morning bottle, I tripped over a ball and fell into the glass coffee table, smashing it and cutting myself pretty badly. My husband slept through the whole thing, but the neighbors came by to tell me to keep it down. FML

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By spasticock - 19/8/2012 18:09 - Portugal - Barreiro

Today, I climbed the tree in my backyard so I could cut off some stray branches. I ended up getting stuck, and instead of immediately getting help, my wife started laughing and recording me. The video is now circulating on Facebook, and my new nickname is "Hawkeye." FML

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By JennaMarie - 26/7/2009 15:16 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my husband complaining about the way I look. His response, "Babe, if I cared about the way you looked I wouldnt have married you." FML

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By kysier - 1/3/2015 23:36 - United States - Campbellsville

Today, I was turned down from the dream job that I was promised two years ago, once my chemo and radiation therapy was finished. His excuse? He never actually expected me to survive. FML

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By jen - 8/7/2011 14:57 - United States

Today, I realized I have no life after I created a fake Facebook account, posted an insulting message on my wall, and then engaged in a vicious argument with it, just so I could impress my friends. FML

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By jobless - 9/7/2014 05:02 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I heard back from a company that I recently interviewed with. They told me I didn't get the job because "it was obvious that I had been coached." I wasn't. Sorry that I actually researched the company unlike the rest of the nit-wit candidates. FML

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By "clumsycat" - 30/6/2017 15:54

Today, I thought my water had broken. I had actually just peed myself when the baby moved. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2019 00:06

Today, my fiancé accidentally ran over the priest who is supposed to be marrying us in 3 days. Now, not only do we need a new priest, we need a new church to get married in, with only 3 days to find them. FML

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By anon - 5/12/2015 00:32 - United States

Today, my 6-year-old daughter watched The Lion King for the first time. Now, whenever I ask her to do something, she replies "Hakuna Matata" and doesn't even get up. I think she took "no worries" to mean "don't give a shit about anything". FML

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By abbacjt - 16/1/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, I sent my sister a text about how fat I was becoming and looking as disgusting as my ex husband. When I checked to see if she had received it I saw that I had accidentally sent it to my ex father in law. FML

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By bubblebuttfuckfart - 13/10/2012 17:32 - Ireland

Today, my aunt brought me a birthday present. I quickly figured out that she'd simply returned the jacket I let her borrow two years ago for my brother's graduation party. It reeks of cigarette smoke and alcohol. FML

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By Badkitty14 - 9/8/2012 20:16 - Canada - Mississauga

Issues

Today, in the middle of sex, my boyfriend asked me what he should get his mother for her birthday. FML

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By cavgirl - 12/4/2009 22:40 - United States

Today, the guy that I like took me on to the Cavaliers game. At the game, on the jumbotron they do a thing where they show couples and have them kiss, the camera goes on to us and as I go into kiss him he turns and says "not in this lifetime". The entire stadium got to see me get rejected. FML

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By rent-a-cop - 5/5/2013 04:28 - Canada - Toronto

Today, as a condominium security guard, I had to enter an old lady's apartment to supervise the mandatory maintenance taking place inside. I commented on the lakeside view from her window and mentioned, "This is a pretty nice view up here isn't it?" It turns out that she's blind. FML

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By egsrox95 - 1/11/2017 00:30

Today, my best friend had the balls to call me an alcoholic. She snuck vodka on a cruise ship in a Listerine bottle. I've never had a drink. FML

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By Noname - 15/2/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, I was at a fraternity party, and one of the hosts said over the loudspeaker "turn to the person next to you and picture them naked, then drink a beer if the mental image disturbs you". I turned, only to be face-to-face with my ex-boyfriend. He drank two beers. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2015 02:41 - Australia

Today, I got up feeling refreshed and positive for the first time in ages, so I happily threw my window open to greet the beautiful morning. A bee flew into my eye. FML

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By a very mad sister - 11/12/2016 01:33 - United States - Pomona

Today, my older brother thought it would be hilarious to have over 200 people show up at my house to celebrate my wedding anniversary with my husband. Apparently, this was his "I'm sorry" present for missing my wedding last year. FML

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By frustrated - 22/1/2013 07:20 - Australia - Mittagong

Today, my mother insisted I dress very smartly in suit attire for my first job interview at a hippy-style retail store. My interviewer wore a poncho. I didn't get the job. FML

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By diggingaplotforone - 11/8/2012 23:47 - United States - Redlands

Today, I was digging in my lawn, trying to ignore the suspicious glances coming from my nosy fuckball of a neighbor. When he asked what I was doing, I replied with dripping sarcasm, that I was digging up the schoolkids I killed last year. Fifteen minutes later, the cops he called arrived. FML

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By THANKS - 19/6/2015 08:37 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, it's my birthday. I had asked my parents for a keyboard, and I was really excited to open the massive box they gave me. It was a computer keyboard. I've been playing piano for 11 years. FML

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By pissedoffandon - 6/5/2009 14:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I was taking a piss at the urinal when a fly started buzzing around my head. It started getting in my face, so I tried to swat it away. After about 10 seconds of intense swatting, I looked down to find I had pissed all over my shoes and down the front of my trousers. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2018 14:00

Today, I splurged thousands of dollars on the breed of dog that I've loved since I was a kid from a reputable breeder. He is allergic to all food except the 24lb food for $70 and has sensitivities galore, including a seizure from a shot. I've spent $5,000 in vet bills in the first week. FML

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By dontpeeonmenxtime - 29/12/2011 14:51 - United States

Today, I woke up to slight memory of my boyfriend leaving for work an hour earlier than originally planned due to "excessive sweat" in my bed. When I removed my sheets and took in a deep whiff, my olfactory receptors instantly knew that his so called "sweat" was actually his urine. FML

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Top comments

By jSOPURE | 3

#147327 - Monday 27 April 2009 10:08

You mean to tell me the English language doesn't make you hot?

:(

By junjouromantica | 0

#147326 - Monday 27 April 2009 10:07

Now I see why you like him.

COMMENTS

By livelife | 0

#147320 - Monday 27 April 2009 10:03

oooh that sucks. better luck with another guy (:

Reply

ffmmllyaya | 0

#793638 - Saturday 23 January 2010 20:01

what's a pronoun.. wth is he in the fourth grade or something.. is op in the fourth grade also??

Reply

XYZzzzzzzz | 0

#941283 - Saturday 13 March 2010 4:47

hrm... damn good question

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#988778 - Thursday 6 May 2010 5:32

wtf is he retarded?

Reply

Demotivator | 2

#3222008 - Friday 2 September 2011 10:08

c'mon thats an easy answer...

...Now I could tell you Rafaella Gabriela and Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla and Albert Andreas Armadillo found an aardvark, a kangaroo, and a rhinoceros. And now that aardvark and that kangaroo and that rhinoceros belong respectively to Rafaella Gabriela Sarsaparilla and Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla and Albert Andreas Armadillo!
Whew! Because of pronouns I can say, in this way:
"WE found THEM and THEY found US, and now THEY are OURS and WE're so happy." Thank you pronoun!
You see a pronoun was made to take the place of a noun,
'Cause saying all those nouns over and over
Can really wear you down.

Reply

im_a_squid | 25

#6431246 - Saturday 10 October 2015 3:11

#239, that SchoolHouse Rock excerpt from the Pronoun song is just spot on. It brings tears to my eyes. Haha, what an amazing thing you have done. x)

Reply

theroxors19 | 12

#6474225 - Monday 30 November 2015 16:52

#239 that was beautiful.

By RHOPKINS13 | 2

#147322 - Monday 27 April 2009 10:03

Today, I was sitting next to the girl I like and she was doing homework. I looked up and her eyes met with mine. My heart was pounding. Maybe I'd finally get the courage to ask her out. I started muttering her name as my face inched closer to hers. My pulse was racing - I simply couldn't bring myself to do it! Finally, I just asked "What's a pronoun?" FML

Reply

ncvolley123 | 8

#1596877 - Sunday 24 October 2010 21:53

what did u say???

Reply

Calyx_fml | 21

#2490977 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 1:54

She should have said "us".

Reply

jesernoob | 13

#3170727 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 5:33

right?!

By junjouromantica | 0

#147326 - Monday 27 April 2009 10:07

Now I see why you like him.

By jSOPURE | 3

#147327 - Monday 27 April 2009 10:08

You mean to tell me the English language doesn't make you hot?

:(

Reply

niirah | 0

#790379 - Friday 22 January 2010 7:19

I think it's his lack of the command of the English language she has a problem with.

Reply

zombieattackk | 0

#965593 - Sunday 21 March 2010 6:01

#4 is a win

By CaptainJellyBean | 0

#147335 - Monday 27 April 2009 10:13

What an articulate bloke!

Reply

sillygoosezeus | 4

#6178194 - Tuesday 20 January 2015 7:47

Apparently people don't understand sarcasm, the word "articulate", or both. In any case, I still chuckled.

By PhoenixRising | 0

#147336 - Monday 27 April 2009 10:14

Work with it! The best bonds are formed over a mutual love of grammar. I may be a dork, but in my experience this stuff really turns on the hot English majors.

By airandfingers | 0

#147344 - Monday 27 April 2009 10:17

Nice one, #2.
I don't know OP, either this guy is pretty dumb for not knowing what a pronoun is, or you're pretty young (like 7th grade or younger). If the latter is the case, then at least you're a great writer for your age! You could write romance novels right now!

Reply

Malecent | 13

#6410473 - Monday 14 September 2015 12:18

or he could be foreign... you kmow because there is more than one country

By Pepperolls | 0

#147345 - Monday 27 April 2009 10:18

Whats so FYL about that?

I find it very sexy, apart from his lack of intelligence..

Reply

twinscrplayer6 | 0

#995811 - Monday 17 May 2010 1:06

I find you very sexy

By iPhanny | 0

#147349 - Monday 27 April 2009 10:19

Lol #2 xD

By synacious | 0

#147352 - Monday 27 April 2009 10:20

He was probably just nervous.