Today, I got pulled by a cop because I forgot to put my registration... - FML

By Cody - 30/4/2011 06:13 - United States

Today, I got pulled by a cop because I forgot to put my registration sticker on. I get nervous around authority and have nervous shakes. I ripped the registration sticker 3 times trying to put it on. The cop then gave me a ticket for "Improper Equipment". FML

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Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

This is fine

The past that suits you best

By stickyface - 24/10/2010 05:18 - Canada

Today, I decided to be adventurous and give my boyfriend head in the downstairs tv room. Just as he was about to cum I heard someone walking towards the door. I took my mouth off to get up and lock the door just as he came. Didn't make it to the door but my dad saw something he will never forget. FML

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By hellishome - 29/9/2019 00:01

Dad priorities

Today, as he was going out, I asked my father if he stop by the store and buy some tampons for me and toilet paper for the house, because we have been out for the last 5 days. He came home with a 30-pack of beer and cigarettes instead. I just started my time of the month and we have no more money. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2015 15:05 - United Kingdom - Eastleigh

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend about the importance of foreplay, and that attempting to get me "in the mood" by whipping his cock out and air humping was roughly equivalent to throwing a dry teabag at me and claiming he made a cup of tea. FML

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By - 2/3/2019 14:00

Today, I went to pick up a pizza with my kids for an easy dinner. As soon as I opened my mouth to order, the 2-year-old in my arms vomited into it. FML

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By Crap - 12/4/2016 16:48 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was taking a dump at work at a nursing home. While reaching for the toilet paper, I accidently pushed the emergency button. The nursing supervisors broke into the washroom to help. FML

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By Marie - 17/10/2012 05:16 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, it was my 2 year anniversary with my boyfriend. As we were about to exchange gifts, he got a call and said he had to go home immediately. What was the emergency? His guild leader couldn't find another healer to finish a raid and promised my boyfriend gear if he would step up. FML

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By wdones97 - 8/10/2018 14:00

Today, at my job, I was so tired and aggravated that I accidentally mumbled, "I need a drink." One of the patients I was taking care of heard me and said, "Me too." I work at an addiction rehab facility. FML

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By Sarah - 19/10/2010 23:06 - United States

Today, I finally quit the job that I've been complaining about. Before I could tell my husband, he informed me that he had been laid off, and was thankful we still had my income. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2015 19:05 - United States - Rogers

Today, I asked a guy out. He told me no. Well, his exact words were "I would never go out with a whale, sorry." Then he went on to make whale noises. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2010 00:36 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be amusing to sneak into my room and jump me in my bed. Too bad that when she jumped, one of her knees landed on my crotch. I haven't been able to walk properly since this morning. FML

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By Danielle - 10/6/2012 19:19 - Canada - Aldergrove

Today, it's day two of my family's camping trip. Despite the weather, bugs, and portapotties, we were doing okay, until the can opener broke. My husband is stubbornly insisting that we live off cereal and peanut butter for another five days. FML

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By susiedoggles - 5/11/2018 08:00 - United States - Milford

Today, getting home after a long day of work, my boyfriend came running out of the house. Being silly, I thought he was excited to see me. Nope - he was excited to show me the squirrel he shot. In the house. Apparently, we have house squirrels and a boatload of holes in the floor and couch. FML

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By CaptainFluffyPaw - 29/6/2015 01:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer complained about me for getting their order wrong. This would have been fine if they hadn't sent their ten-year-old kid to order for them. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2019 06:00

Today, I was picking up after my dog with a poo baggie over my hand, like a mitten. Too bad the bottom ripped open and my bare hand poked through it just as I grabbed a big handful of steaming dog turd. FML

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By Confuseddad - 16/2/2016 22:17 - United Kingdom

Today, two aggressive police officers appeared at my door informing me that a complaint was filed about my 18 year-old son having "inappropriate relations" with a 16 year-old. We live in England. I had to Google the law to prove to them this was legal. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2014 16:16 - Australia - Perth

Today, I chatted to a nice guy and gave him my number. I told him I was going to sleep because I had a headache, and then put my phone on silent. He rang multiple times, and when I obviously didn't pick up, he sent several texts insulting me and calling me gutless for not responding. FML

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By Jack - 26/10/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, I was in minding my own business in bed in my dorm room. It was dark and my roommate came over, intending to slap my ass really hard. The problem is, I was lying face up. FML

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By Ryan - 18/12/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, I was taking an important exam for Calculus. Out of nowhere, the kid behind me starts violently kicking my desk. I quickly turn around and yell at him. He was having a seizure. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2010 11:58 - New Zealand

Today, at the supermarket, I ignored the "Riding on trolleys down the ramp is strictly prohibited" sign. While going full speed down the ramp, my trolley with $200 worth of groceries in it tipped and crashed. Luckily, I broke its fall. FML

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By owwwwwe - 9/1/2012 21:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I tried a self-tanner in an attempt to rid myself of my ghost-white legs. I got my wish, but instead of a warm golden tan, I have red, swollen, lobster-like marks sticking out from the bottom half of my torso. FML

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By fuckmeitsgettingworse - 24/2/2014 19:36 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my pregnant wife's parents called me at work, saying she'd been crying inconsolably and wouldn't say what was wrong. After pleading with my boss, I rushed home. Turns out there was an "ugly" sofa in a TV ad and she felt it was "picking on ugly sofas". FML

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By CheeseyPotatoes - 11/4/2011 13:16 - United States

Today, I wore a fake wedding ring on my left hand when buying a pregnancy test so the cashier at Walmart wouldn't think I'm a slut. FML

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By Skyhopee - 24/12/2012 19:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because I'm too "high maintenance" during the holidays. Not to worry, though; he's willing give me another chance sometime after Valentine's day. FML

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By bpruitt95 - 31/12/2013 06:46 - United States - Pitkin

Today, I was at a party. Everyone was drunk, and I happened to overhear someone say, "Where's that guy in the black jacket? I'm going to beat his ass!" I wouldn't have thought anything of it, had I not been the only one wearing a black jacket. FML

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By SquirrellyGirl - 15/7/2019 22:00

Today, my brother asked if I could babysit his kids tomorrow. I declined, as tomorrow is my birthday and I have plans. This isn't the first time he's forgotten my birthday, and I doubt it'll be the last. FML

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By jason - 24/4/2009 13:24 - United States

Today, I came home to find a car parked in my assigned space. Pissed off, I left a note on the car's windshield saying, "Hey Assface, thanks for parking in my spot. I spat on your door handle." It turns out it was my girlfriend's parent's car. They took us out to dinner. FML

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By singlesummer - 25/6/2012 08:32 - United States - Compton

Today, I was watching a movie alone, after receiving a text from my boyfriend saying that his grandma was at the hospital, so he couldn't go with me. I caught him on a date with another girl, at the same movie screening that I went to. FML

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By Username - 29/10/2010 23:15 - France

Today, I was out eating lunch with my parents when my mom complained that I eat too quickly and don't thoroughly chew my food. My dad exclaimed, "That's because she swallows!" FML

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By Sleep. - 27/11/2014 07:06 - United States - Imperial

Today, I finally got time to take a nap. Later, my mom asked me if I was depressed because I didn't leave my room for 3 hours. She talked to my dad about it, and now my family thinks I'm depressed because I slept for 3 hours. FML

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By me - 6/9/2009 21:33 - United States

Today, I met some of my boyfriend's family for the first time. His aunt said I was really cute, which made me happy. As we were leaving I said "Your aunt thought I was cute." His reply..."Yeah, well, my aunt's on drugs". FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2013 06:20 - United States - Vancouver

Today, my manager asked me for the password to my Internet so she could Skype family since she can't pay her bill. This is the same woman who just a week ago tried to evict me because my rent was an hour late. Trying to be the bigger person, I gave her the password. She changed my password. FML

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By skygardens - 21/8/2018 15:00

Today, I had just gotten home after being away for 8 months. My key didn’t work on my lock and while I was messing the door a man with a child opened. My landlord gave someone my apartment while I was away. FML

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By Bob - 20/6/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, while teaching at a daycare, a child came up to me and asked if he could go to the bathroom. Obviously, I said it was fine. He then pulled his pants down, and pee on my brand new shoes, and all over my leg. FML

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By raybandy - 24/1/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, I wake up only to find that my roommates cooked all my food. Now I'm starving and the place smells like delicious bacon. FML

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By Jyocka - 26/4/2011 22:25 - Canada

Today, on a first date, I finished eating my sushi, feeling proud to have managed chopsticks so elegantly and then rubbed my eye, oblivious to the fact I had just touched some wasabi. What followed was a classy exhibition on how to jump around screeching in pain. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2015 10:52 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I got disappointed when I realized that I had to share a bed with my husband because we had company over. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2020 23:01

Don't shoot the messenger

Today, after I got wasted about 5 months ago and lost my virginity to a total bitch I used to work with and regretted it straight away, this morning she texts me that she’s pregnant, and that I should probably get an STD screening because she also just found out she has gonorrhoea. FML

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By Gilly - 19/5/2017 18:00

Today, my kid felt bad that our cat didn't get an Easter egg hunt at Easter so he has hidden sardines around the house for her to find. The house reeks and I don't know how many are left to find. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2011 11:47 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend's parents visited us. When everyone was chatting in the room, I needed to go to the bathroom. I got up and wanted to walk away when I sneezed, and farted at the same time. I thought they didn't hear it, until my boyfriend's brother said: "That wasn't just a sneeze was it?" FML

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By rattrap - 6/2/2012 01:13 - United States

Today, I checked over the pictures on my night-cam to see if my cats are really going on our kitchen counters. As soon as I'd seen the first picture, I realized that this whole time my cats haven't been going on it. It was a rat. FML

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Top comments

By andrewzzz | 0

#2434010 - Saturday 30 April 2011 15:50

"with hands that shaky i have an idea on how you can get out of this ticket"

By mk58 | 31

#2433919 - Saturday 30 April 2011 15:37

Hmmm, which equipment was he referring to???

COMMENTS

By mk58 | 31

#2433919 - Saturday 30 April 2011 15:37

Hmmm, which equipment was he referring to???

Reply

Catie13 | 0

#2433970 - Saturday 30 April 2011 15:42

he was refering to the sticker....dumb ass loljk

Reply

mk58 | 31

#2433976 - Saturday 30 April 2011 15:43

Lmao. I was joking, making a side reference to his penis.

Reply

iLazy | 0

#2433991 - Saturday 30 April 2011 15:46

I thought penis is referred as tool!

Reply

andrewzzz | 0

#2434010 - Saturday 30 April 2011 15:50

"with hands that shaky i have an idea on how you can get out of this ticket"

Reply

mk58 | 31

#2434016 - Saturday 30 April 2011 15:51

There are actually quite a lot of words used to refer to penises.

Reply

andrewzzz | 0

#2434023 - Saturday 30 April 2011 15:53

i think dong is the funniest one

Reply

abeastmuffin | 1

#2434155 - Saturday 30 April 2011 16:21

naw it's Wang for sure

Reply

i_love_grrr | 0

#2434211 - Saturday 30 April 2011 16:31

i like trouser snake the best!!! lol

Reply

pertained | 12

#2434290 - Saturday 30 April 2011 16:49

his brain

Reply

ydi_4_suking | 20

#2434311 - Saturday 30 April 2011 16:54

ha trouser snake. ive tripped over my trouser snake a few times. its a third leg for me

Reply

slantyshanty | 7

#2434387 - Saturday 30 April 2011 17:05

I was thinking the same.

Reply

jonnyapples | 7

#2434465 - Saturday 30 April 2011 17:21

he also said "I was pulled by a cop" lol

Reply

Chunkylover76 | 4

#2434836 - Saturday 30 April 2011 18:45

Any else notice he left out the "over" in "pulled over"? Now it just looks like he was getting "pulled by a cop" who gave him a ticket because he didn't like his "equipment"!! The typo makes it even worse!!

Reply

Docbee | 11

#2434931 - Saturday 30 April 2011 19:12

i like "little head" the best

Reply

poy2x | 0

#2435271 - Saturday 30 April 2011 20:13

third leg is also one

Reply

DboyCorleone | 0

#2435341 - Saturday 30 April 2011 20:24

There's also yogurt slinger and pedro. I prefer mine to be called el presidente

Reply

skidoo800HO | 2

#2435902 - Saturday 30 April 2011 23:44

Why is there a conversation about penis nicknames?

Reply

T3P33_fml | 0

#2436230 - Sunday 1 May 2011 0:55

I like shlong too. but brain would also work
(If women say men only think with their penis, would she be ofended if I ask her to blow my mind?)

Reply

FunwithBumperCar | 0

#2437793 - Sunday 1 May 2011 7:28

Panini is my favorite that and black mamba

Reply

sarahoxox | 1

#2437946 - Sunday 1 May 2011 8:38

double barreled vagina destroyer. best. ever.

Reply

ydi_4_suking | 20

#2438001 - Sunday 1 May 2011 9:06

haha those names are funny. and to hold mine in i wear a banana hammock. or ill walk around naked and let my dick and balls do the balls and johnson dance going side to side making a swoosh noise

Reply

bubblesandbeatle | 0

#2438032 - Sunday 1 May 2011 9:14

I know someone named Harry Dong..

Reply

Nitial | 6

#2449517 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 4:07

I think the Tony Hawk's brother one, Mike Hawk, is the funniest one.

By Emce | 0

#2433925 - Saturday 30 April 2011 15:38

I have shaky hands as well, looks really bad around cops.

Reply

ImaWiseGuy | 5

#2434476 - Saturday 30 April 2011 17:25

woooo sawww motherfucker, woooo sawww.....

By marmlr339 | 14

#2433943 - Saturday 30 April 2011 15:40

YDI for not having it on already!

Reply

corrinaswan | 0

#2434733 - Saturday 30 April 2011 18:18

thts wht I was thinkin

Reply

hihi1212 | 1

#2434847 - Saturday 30 April 2011 18:47

me to!

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#2435091 - Saturday 30 April 2011 19:46

Not me

By Bellacanfixit | 2

#2433956 - Saturday 30 April 2011 15:41

You should've had it on already. Although I understand, I get nervous around around cops too.

By jennifer93 | 0

#2433966 - Saturday 30 April 2011 15:42

You should've just asked if he could do it since you must have been quite obviously shaking

By LaL26 | 4

#2433968 - Saturday 30 April 2011 15:42

you made my day ! :D

By BaskenRobin | 2

#2433992 - Saturday 30 April 2011 15:47

Those stickers arn't easy to rip if they ar like the ones I have. Must kill the steroid use OP maybe you will stop shaking too.

By bzett | 0

#2434003 - Saturday 30 April 2011 15:48

HA!

By muhaidib | 2

#2434041 - Saturday 30 April 2011 15:57

You're lucky he didn't holding you in for thinking you're on drugs...

By JoshK9030 | 0

#2434048 - Saturday 30 April 2011 15:58

spaz