Miscellaneous: Today, I told my parents I really missed them and wanted to come... - FML

By sucks2suck - United States

Today, I told my parents I really missed them and wanted to come home for the weekend, I haven't seen them in months. They told me that was a bad idea and they couldnt fit me into their schedule. I asked what their plans were. They said they didn't have any yet. FML

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Out of it

Walk on the wild side

Zeitgeist

By dancincherrychic - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was making sweet potato chips using my new slicer. I didn't mean to make a pinky finger chip as well. FML

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By needabettermirror - United States - Holland

Today, I spent twenty minutes looking in the mirror trying to remove a blackhead from my chin. It was a freckle. FML

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By Anonymous

Alas, poor Mickey

Today, I'm going to a cocktail event, except my dress is wrinkled and can't be ironed, so I got my steam cleaner from storage. I saw what looked like mold inside the water container. Turns out a mouse had got into it, drowned and started to decompose. My apartment now smells like death and my dress is still wrinkled. FML

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By WTFiswrongwithme

Desperate times, desperate, dumb measures

Today, I was so desperate for human interaction that I asked a deaf girl in my class if she liked music. I actually signed it to her. FML

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By Vgameboi - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was showing off pictures of me to co-workers. It wasn't until later that he said, "Don't worry, they were old pictures, from when you were hot." They were from four years ago. FML

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By zamwow - United States - Ridgefield Park

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Just as he was about to finish, he pulled out and came in his hand. He then flicked his hand towards my face and yelled, "Sha-ZAM!" FML

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By "Mom2grls808" - United States

Today, I was taking a nap with my 5 month old on the floor (carpeted) in the livingroom. when I woke up my daughter bombed her diaper her and the dogs were rolling in it on the carpet and tiled kitchen....FML

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By HELP - United States

Today, I moved into a new house. The landlord insists it's OK for her to come up whenever she wants because she owns the house. We aren't allowed to lock the doors and she has two 8-year-olds. They come into the bathroom every time they hear the shower running. We have a clear shower curtain. FML

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By MathTeacher - United States

Today, after being annoyed one too many times by my students' whiney attitudes, I accidentally blurted out, "Quit being such a bitch," to the superintendent's daughter. FML

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By skyinthesky - United States - Pasadena

Today, I bought a desk for my new apartment. After ignoring the warnings on the box saying it should not be carried alone, I made it all the way to my apartment with the desk. I walked in the door and dropped it on my foot. FML

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By Worst Way To Get Promoted

Promoted!

Today, I walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room of our restaurant. I pretended I didn't see him and quickly closed the door. About five minutes later, he came out, cupped my face in his hands and told me I was getting promoted. I'm happy, but scarred for life. FML

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By Now What - United States - South Otselic

Today, my boyfriend told me he only loves me sometimes. He explained what days he chooses to love me and what days he doesn't want to. I told him that's not how it works. He disagreed. He's 27. He still doesn't understand why this is a problem. FML

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By Scat - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why I looked sad. I told him that I found out a co-worker died over the weekend and I failed my final exam. He then informed me that my toilet was clogged again, that he had a lot of work to do, and left. I have to find a plunger. FML

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By gasbrain - 5/9/2020 20:06

Buyer's market

Today, after being unemployed for a couple of months, I got a call back from a security job I did for a week. But with a new condition: besides the security work, one day in the week they want me to cut grass, paint and clean up the grounds for the same minimum wage. FML

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By okay._. - United States - Marysville

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying that I couldn't wait for him to get home and see my costume, and that I had dressed up as a naked lady. He texted back asking if I could dress up as someone who was making dinner instead. FML

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By sexysue - United States

Today, it was me and my husband's anniversary. He was at work, so I decided to dress up "sexy". You know, the typical lacey thong and fishnets. I heard the door open, and what I thought was him was actually my brother who'd visited to wish me a happy anniversary. FML

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By sleepy - Norway

Today, after a two week holiday, I'm returning to work exhausted. I had nightmares about work every single night. FML

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By Scholar - United States

Today, for the second day in a row, I got to hear both of my roommates having sex, through two closed doors and a hallway. This is as I hit my thirtieth month of involuntary celibacy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to pick up my drunk mom at bar. While we were driving home she thanked me over and over again and then said "thank god you have no life!" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I put on my "fat jeans" because none of my other jeans fit. Neither do my fat jeans. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was in the shower getting ready for a date, when my older sister thought it would be a laugh to turn out the light. Getting out of the shower to turn it back on, I slipped and hit on my head on the counter. Thanks, sis. FML

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By raebay - United States

Today, after I bathed my nine month old, I laid her on my bed to grab a diaper. I turned around to see that she'd peed on my comforter. I then put her in her playpen to put my cover in the wash. I came back into the room to get her, and saw she'd taken off her diaper. She'd crapped in her playpen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I slipped and sprained my ankle while shopping for a present for my husband, who later came home and tripped over my elevated leg, hurting my ankle again. Now I have an excruciating sprain, and a spouse who's furious at me because "I shouldn't have tried to surprise him." FML

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By Harry - United States

Today, my dad decided to get his friend to help move our old sofas to save money. Its leg got stuck in the doorway, scratched the entire hallway wall, punched a big hole in it and the other leg made a big dent in our front door. We live in an apartment complex and now have to to pay for everything to be fixed. FML

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By fiery - United States

Today, I was reaching for something in the back of the refrigerator. The bottle of hot sauce that was in front of it fell and broke. Not only did the glass cut my feet up, but the hot sauce got in the fresh wounds. FML

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By Crap - United States - Seminole

Today, I had horrible diarrhea at work. When I felt the bubbling, I ran to the bathroom. An agonizing bowel movement later, I realized that there was no toilet paper in the stall. Just as I was about to ask a coworker who was in the bathroom for some, the fire alarm went off. FML

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By neuroticallyours - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend how happy I was with him. He responded by pulling down his pants and slapping his ass. I have no idea what that was supposed to mean. FML

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By mediocreboobs - United States

Today, I was home alone tanning in my backyard which is fairly secluded. I took my top off and laid there for awhile before I looked over and saw the UPS guy standing at my gate with a package because nobody answered the door. I looked horrified and he said not to worry, he'd seen better. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Worcester

Today, we had a safety meeting at my warehouse job. They had an entire power point based around their message, "Stop getting hurt; it costs the company too much money." FML

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By becca - United States

Today, I woke up to a gift from my boyfriend: a Playboy magazine with a Post-It note that said, "Just a reminder that you're easily replaceable." I think he's still mad at me for beating him on X-box. FML

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By SnowyConcussion - United States

Today, after spending the past 4 days asking both my husband and my father-in-law to salt our sidewalk, I slipped on the ice. I hit my head on our concrete stairs. While holding ice on my head, my father-in-law pats my head and says "I'll go get some salt." FML

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By maturity - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found an invisible ink pen. I drew on my arms, thinking nobody would see it. I had an allergic reaction to the ink, and I now have three very large, very visible, red penises on my forearm. FML

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By Pantsontheground - United States - New York

Looking like a fool...

Today, my pants kept falling down. Since I didn't have a belt on, I decided to tuck the waistband around my underwear to keep them in place. While on a date, I tried to adjust my pants, but ended up pulling them down along with my boxers. In the middle of a restaurant. FML

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By TrolleyCollector - Australia - Seymour

Today, at work, the shopping carts have coin locks on them so people put them back or don't go stealing them. A lady couldn't find a coin, so I unlocked one with my key and said to her, "It doesn't look like you will run off and steal it" as a joke. She replied, "I can't run darling, I have an artificial leg." FML

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By peepants

Today, I was in a public restroom with my one-year old. I had no idea he could reach the lock until he opened the door and ran out. In my haste to catch him, I not only peed all over my pants that were still around my ankles, I faceplanted on the nasty, moist bathroom floor. FML

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By parkertownparadise - United States

Today, after applying for a job at the local pet store, I picked up a ferret. It began licking my cheek, causing me to turn my head. It then latched onto my ear and hung like a giant furry hoop earring. I screamed, then quietly left the building. FML

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By Totallyscrewed - United States - Stroudsburg

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy this past summer after our son was born and only took one of the two tests. I haven't cheated. He refuses to believe me or get his spunk checked again. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Markham

Today, I went to the store to buy a phone I saw last week. I looked around a little first, then continued to the electronics section. I couldn't find the phone I saw, so I went to leave. Halfway to the exit, I was detained by security and grilled for ages over my "suspicious behaviour". FML

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By golfstar11 - United States - Savannah

Today, I was doing a presentation in front of my boss. On the last slide, someone had put a picture of a man's cock. I later found out it was my boss who did it. It was his "good reason" to fire me. FML

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By LasagnaRawks - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend only stayed with me because he didn't want to "be alone," and now that he has a new girlfriend, apparently he won't be. We were together for three and a half years. FML

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Top comments

By Scrambles | 0

#59288 - Thursday 26 March 2009 5:08

Don't talk to them for a few years and I am willing to bet they'd learn to make time for you.

By BeautyAndBrains | 0

#7654 - Thursday 26 February 2009 7:57

#26, that is a terrible thing to say, and perhaps you should READ what it says! She hasn't seen her parents in a long time, so she clearly doesn't come home too often, and doesn't need to learn independence, and parents should love their children and want to be around them regardless of their personalities, so for them to tell her not to come home is terribly hurtful, especially since they don't have anything planned.

COMMENTS

By pelicangirl123 | 0

#4001 - Thursday 19 February 2009 19:32

aww im sorry! that happened to me once... only with a guy i liked... it sucks

By davidtheday | 0

#4015 - Thursday 19 February 2009 20:07

Well, you could always kill them...

KIDDING.

By KatieWagnerFab | 0

#4086 - Thursday 19 February 2009 23:14

You should do the same thing to them :D

By ridiculous_gnome | 0

#4550 - Friday 20 February 2009 22:08

you must be BORING.... capital B... learn to cook or how to do magic or sumthing...

By BeautyAndBrains | 0

#7654 - Thursday 26 February 2009 7:57

#26, that is a terrible thing to say, and perhaps you should READ what it says! She hasn't seen her parents in a long time, so she clearly doesn't come home too often, and doesn't need to learn independence, and parents should love their children and want to be around them regardless of their personalities, so for them to tell her not to come home is terribly hurtful, especially since they don't have anything planned.

By Scrambles | 0

#59288 - Thursday 26 March 2009 5:08

Don't talk to them for a few years and I am willing to bet they'd learn to make time for you.

Reply

SarcasticUnicorn | 9

#4901641 - Thursday 6 September 2012 4:34

Unless they're assholes.

By mark_my_words | 0

#89473 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 8:22

kudos for #29

By savetherainfores_fml | 0

#256686 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 0:25

Wat asses but it's good u actually give a shit about your parents unlike everyone in today world

Reply

lilashg | 0

#1259071 - Tuesday 17 August 2010 21:33

I have that relationship with my mother and it's not by my choice. you can make all the efforts in the world to have a relationship with them but sometimes it's just a waste of effort. I can't wait till she's old enough so I can pit her in a home.

By Roshoka | 0

#729252 - Monday 21 December 2009 2:50

true

By obri98 | 10

#4010809 - Wednesday 8 February 2012 23:22

They were probably going to have sex :P