Miscellaneous: Today, I was in an Austrian bar, making polite conversation in... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 100

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 581

You deserved it 92

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 581

You deserved it 40

01/10/2013 07:30

Today, I was in an Austrian bar, making polite conversation in my broken German with a slightly odd middle-aged man. He said, winking, that he was near to his pension. I smiled and nodded, thinking he was talking about retirement. My friend later informed me that 'pension' is German for 'apartment'. Ew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 262

You deserved it 4 476

The smell detective is on the case

Silver linings

You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone

Hard to bare

By Anonymous - 03/04/2020 14:00

Today, I was showing my boss a picture on my phone. I didn’t expect her to take my phone from my hand and continue to flip through photos. I anxiously motioned for her to give my phone back, only to realize she had already swiped to my nude picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 555

You deserved it 648

11/10/2009 00:30

Today, my oldest son answered my phone call much to my surprise as we haven't spoken in a year. The first words out of his mouth were, "I didn't mean to pick up the phone." He then hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 351

You deserved it 8 918

Charity

By fail - 26/04/2009 05:38

Today, I worked a carwash as a fundraiser. Being nice, I figured I'd bring my car, get it washed, and donate some money. When it was my car's turn to be washed, everyone was conveniently busy washing other cars. My car was in front and needed to be washed and moved. I paid $10 to wash my own car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 675

You deserved it 11 420

16/09/2016 20:35

Today, I'm a janitor at a middle school. Someone took a poo and placed it on the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 107

You deserved it 719

09/03/2009 10:09

Spicy

Today, my mom decided to give me a solid reason for not having pre-marital sex. She told me that my future husband will want me to be tight for our first time. My mom and I were on a ski lift. The ride lasted 10 more uncomfortable minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 002

You deserved it 5 190

24/09/2010 11:25

Today, there were a few loud and annoying kids running around my store. My coworker and I started talking and I jokingly stated "Yeah, kids ruin everything." But before I could get out "God knows I'm not ready to be a dad," my phone rang. It was my one night stand. I'm going to be a daddy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 052

You deserved it 75 173

Judgemental

By still on the wagon - 18/07/2021 15:01

Today, I got a ton of angry and disappointed messages. My boyfriend posted a picture of us out at a restaurant, and I was holding a brown bottle. I’m a recovering alcoholic, and I was drinking a fancy root beer. No one believes me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 135

You deserved it 80

28/06/2013 19:41

Spicy

Today, a girl from my college, who's been following me around for months, finally asked me out. Not being interested, I politely declined. Now she's convinced everyone that we hooked up and that I have an incredibly small penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 668

You deserved it 7 439

24/09/2011 08:23

Today, while resting in bed, I felt a slight tickle on my neck. Thinking it was a cockroach, I panicked and flung it across the bedroom. Turns out it was my brand new necklace, which is now broken into dozens of pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 814

You deserved it 35 619

21/01/2013 20:24

Today, it's been two days since my upstairs neighbour's toilet started flooding both our apartments. I have to go to the bathroom with an umbrella. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 691

You deserved it 2 690

18/07/2009 10:48

Today, I woke up feeling a tingling sensation on my testicles. I enjoyed it for a few seconds, then threw off the covers. Looks like there have been cockroaches in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 306

You deserved it 10 438

06/12/2011 17:24

Today, I found out that if a cop asks you if you have any weapons, and you reply by saying "only these guns" while flexing your biceps, they won't take it very well. And neither will the cops down at the station. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 878

You deserved it 50 112

Cura te ipsum

By Anonymous - 29/05/2021 22:01

Today, my mom sent me a text message, asking me why I blocked her on Facebook. I didn't. She blocked me, after drinking a bottle of wine. After having a conversation telling me that I need to go to AA and detox. I didn't have anything to drink, and have been limiting alcohol. FML

I agree, your life sucks 827

You deserved it 61

20/02/2009 08:29

Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 861 079

You deserved it 94 338

29/07/2011 02:25

Today, after being terrified for years, I went on a plane for the first time. It was also the first time I "emergency landed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 217

You deserved it 3 027

29/11/2013 23:55

Today, I had to bail my husband out of jail. It turns out that in the Black Friday rush, he beat a guy up just so he could get his hands on the last of a heavily-discounted item. The item in question: a toaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 941

You deserved it 4 310

22/09/2017 23:15

Today, I decided to eat healthier. I started with making 2 eggs and burning down whole kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 256

You deserved it 790

No kink-shaming on FML

By thedoc - 15/07/2014 03:25

Spicy

Today, my wife was putting her finger in my bellybutton and making overly sexual noises. I thought this was all fun and games until I realized she was actually into this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 422

You deserved it 6 925

08/05/2016 16:56

Today, my wife is so determined to keep me on my diet that, as I'm off work for the next week, she has gotten rid of all the food in the house. She has also taken the phones and iPads so I can't order a takeaway, and taken all my trousers so I can't walk to the shops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 563

You deserved it 2 503

31/12/2012 10:17

Today, my workplace was having a raffle and was giving away a Venus shaving kit. A co-worker won, but instead of keeping it, she walked over and handed the basket to me in front of everyone, said "You need it more" and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 903

You deserved it 6 508

03/04/2011 17:39

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked what I was doing. I replied, "What I'm always doing." She couldn't think of anything besides eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 610

You deserved it 33 408

08/06/2015 00:53

Today, I found out that my husband really thinks onion rings are seafood. He's 36. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 511

You deserved it 2 503

04/12/2015 21:47

Today, I found out my son was never accepted into the local university 2 years ago. He actually went out and got a job, and only lied about it so he could keep living in my house rent-free. The conniving bastard makes more than I do at my minimum-wage job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 621

You deserved it 4 681

27/03/2009 03:38

Today, after finishing a huge French essay, I realized my printer wasn't working. So, I emailed it to a guy in my class to print and then give to me. When I get to French, he said he had already turned his in early and never got my email. It turned out he used mine. I got an F on the essay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 816

You deserved it 18 291

Where you been?

By watchmaker - 16/12/2009 09:37

Today, since I had no lessons until 1pm, I headed out to the store to run errands. Our school has a strict policy against leaving the campus during school hours. I returned to a fire drill taking place. The fire assembly point? The student parking lot. All 900 students watched me drive in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 087

You deserved it 35 901

27/08/2013 04:36

Today, I had no choice but to bring my son to work as a med school professor. I sat him in a chair in a corner while I gave a lecture. To my surprise, he added another word to his limited vocabulary, and screamed it out loud with an ecstatic expression on his face. The word is "cancer". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 945

You deserved it 4 538

14/05/2009 19:57

Today, I found out the tattoo signifying my marriage turned out to be more permanent than the marriage itself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 427

You deserved it 60 511

02/11/2014 06:30

Today, my boyfriend lied about having herpes, and used it as an excuse to dump me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 119

You deserved it 3 310

07/06/2011 23:09

Today, my girlfriend got into my Facebook and changed our relationship status to single just to see which of my friends would "like" it. After revealing to me what she did, she now says I can no longer be friends with anyone who liked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 565

You deserved it 6 248

01/03/2019 04:00

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend's wife. He's still saying he is not married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 442

You deserved it 301

30/06/2019 07:09

Today, I went to the doctor's office after getting a positive pregnancy test. She did another one to confirm the result, which came back negative. My husband is wandering around with a great big smile on his face, because he isn't going to have a "rugrat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 653

You deserved it 328

Compassionate

By Anonymous - 30/05/2021 14:01

Today, my mom died of COVID. As I was crying in her hospital room, my husband asked if it was OK for him to leave to take a business call, and our daughter asked if she could leave because she was bored and wanted to meet her boyfriend at a bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 569

You deserved it 108

22/04/2012 03:15

Today, my husband drew a penis on every one of my cigarettes. It's a new pack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 940

You deserved it 70 499

19/01/2016 01:46

Today, a friend told me that when I read, I make all the expressions the characters in the book are making. Apparently, I have been doing this since I was a kid, and no one ever told me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 668

You deserved it 2 139

Toxic workplaces

By Anonymous - 09/09/2021 14:00

Today, I'm working in a book company where the boss is stingy, and has promoted an incompetent and rude manager. This trickled down to the whole department where I work being ran as a ego-stroking place. The colleagues are the worst type of people imaginable with jealousy and inferiority complexes at their core. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 95

Oversharing is caring

By Lauren - 12/10/2011 17:55

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my family. It was going well until my 23 year-old sister started telling him in detail about her constipation, and that if she doesn't take a shit in a few days, it's going to come out of her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 365

You deserved it 2 845

14/06/2016 02:39

Today, on a first date, he told me I look like his ex's mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 171

You deserved it 929

11/01/2011 03:27

Today, I sent a friend request on facebook to the only person I became friends with this semester at college. He denied me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 102

You deserved it 4 342

21/06/2013 21:00

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my grandma playing with herself. Every time I close my eyes, I see things that no mortal was ever meant to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 121

You deserved it 7 211

Smells like victory

By B-rent - 18/03/2011 16:10

Today, I discovered that the lovely, hunger-inducing smell that's been lingering around the office lately is from the local animal crematory. I've been wistfully inhaling the stench of burning cats, dogs, and other various animals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 974

You deserved it 7 053

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Top comments

hghrider123456 9

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 12:29

that's when you scream "NEIN NEIN NEIN"

HortonThelephant 15

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 12:28

Sprechen sie dick!

Comments

HortonThelephant 15

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 12:28

Sprechen sie dick!

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Wednesday 2 October 2013 1:33

speaking of which, what kind of douchebag takes advantage of someone who obviously can't communicate very well??

hghrider123456 9

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 12:29

that's when you scream "NEIN NEIN NEIN"

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 13:23

That's when you dial it too...

chelseaaababyyy 17

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 15:37

This made me think of Impractical Jokers. 'SHUT YOUR FACE, GRANDMA!'

BntyHntrSeattle 30

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 16:26

Who ARE you, Herman Cain?!

jw90 18

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 18:04

Hiel Dickler

ShoyuSauceSoup 26

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 12:29

Some words really have different meanings in other languages...

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 15:03

Die falsche Freunde

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 18:10

I guess I'm the only one that learned false cognates referred to as "false friends."

Futacy 29

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Wednesday 2 October 2013 3:25

"I annoy kids" in Spanish is "Yo molesto niños." It's just one false cognate that can horrify native English-speakers if not understood.

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 12:29

Ew. That's just gross OP. Old men shouldn't be hitting on people that's disgusting.

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 12:53

Do you have some magical number for the age that they're supposed to stop?

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 13:56

69

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 14:57

#4- OP said he was middle aged, not on death's door. I'm middle aged and think I look pretty dang good. Am I now banned from chatting people up because I'm no longer in my twenties?

RedPillSucks 31

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 15:24

Aw crap! When did 32 become middle age? I'm buried under the damn hill.

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 15:47

I mean, he didn't try to touch Op. He said his apartment was around the corner, Op is the one who nodded and went along with it. She was giving all the signs that she was interested in him. How is he "ew" when Op was the one who made the mistake?

graceinsheepwear 33

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 15:53

I don't think 32 is commonly considered middle aged. That cracks me up. When will you be calling yourself old? 42?

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Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:17

I'm pretty sure this guy is being sarcastic... I honestly can't believe you all took him seriously

yellowaholic 25

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Wednesday 2 October 2013 6:51

I don't think that was sarcasm...

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 12:29

Sucks when you don't know the language! You won't know who's hitting on you

ryanthecheeseguy 18

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 14:10

Hate it when that happens.

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 15:39

Yeah, she prolly missed out on a chance with a great guy bc of it... keep asking dudes if their pensions are nearby, OP. You'll get laid after all.

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 12:30

That sucks OP :/ but just be glad the old guy didn't try anything

RedPillSucks 31

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 15:27

Or maybe be saddened by it... *damn. Even old prunes wont hit on me*

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 12:30

Score!

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 12:33

He may have been creepy but at least he didn't try to take you to his apartment.

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 15:40

Actually, he did try. She just didn't know.

SymphonyGrrl 12

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 12:33

English-German can be really weird. "Stewardess" translates to "juice pusher" in German, and it's actually a derogatory term.

askullnamedbilly 33

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 12:40

Actually, most Germans will just use 'stewardess' or 'Flugbegleiter/in' (flight companion). No one in Germany will be offended or confused by the word stewardess since we do use it ourselves, and no one in their right mind will translate it to mean 'Saftschubse' or juice pusher. Unless they WANT to offend the stewardess, of course.

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 12:47

Exactly.

AussieChick101 13

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 12:36

Take it as a compliment! He liked you enough to want to take you back to his "pension".