Miscellaneous: Today, I was delivering pizza. When I went up to the front door,... - FML

Today, I was delivering pizza. When I went up to the front door, an elderly lady answered. She was wearing a floral dress that went down to her shins and had a Nicolas Cage mask on with eye holes cut out. When I glanced behind her, I saw her cats had them too. FML

By Alice

Tom Fonder's illustrated FML

Hey folks! Today is special. We have to admit we're quite excited to welcome one hell of a guy, one who can draw the most expressive...

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By nicholascageonyourface / Sunday 9 June 2013 05:13 / United States

Dangling modifier

Supply and demand

Real life

By Discouraged despite my effort

Today, I told my future MIL that we couldn't see her on Christmas because I have to work that day passing out gifts to elderly patients, but that I would call off work to travel to see her any day after. That isn't good enough, so she asked my fiance to spend Christmas without me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oceanside

Today, as usual, I'm stuck working in a brutally hostile work environment under my mother-in-law, who's never forgiven me for marrying her daughter. I only got the job because of family politics. Four months on, I still can't even land so much as a single interview elsewhere. FML

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By sexychica - United States

Today, I pulled up next to my boyfriend at a stoplight. He was in the back of a police car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I told my boyfriend about how I'm self-conscious about my B-cup breasts. About 20 minutes later, he pointed to another girl with a small chest and said, "See, you're not the only one with small tits!" FML

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By BatWife - United States - New London

Today, my husband cleaned out our fireplace and found a very dead, mummified bat. After chasing me around the house with it, he set it atop the mantel. He refuses to get rid of it, and calls it "Henry". FML

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By NextTimeMom'sDriving - Canada - Kelowna

Today, my family and I were on a road trip. Everything was fine until we discovered that my dad, the driver, was not only fast asleep, he was also snoring. We were in the middle of the highway. FML

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By Dgama - United States - Baltimore

Today, I went to see my new boyfriend play in a band. I found out that groupies don't like even bass players having girlfriends. I was attacked by one because he smiled at me from the stage. FML

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By Purple-jacket

Today, I graduated with a CS degree and a certification in networking, only to make $12/hr. Guess some trade jobs are worthless now. FML

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By JellyBite - Iceland - Akureyri

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to take a nap. When I asked him why he wanted to take a nap in the middle of the day, he said, "To make time go by faster." He's leaving in 9 days. We're going to be 3,000 miles apart. For a long time. FML

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By It burns down there

Today, I used a new fragrance-free hypoallergenic laundry detergent for my underwear, as I have sensitive skin. I got a rash. FML

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By Foxy Lady

Today, I had to help train a new employee at the register. It got busy so I had to take my eyes off her for a few minutes. At that time she managed to let someone walk out with $150 worth of fabric. I couldn't catch the customer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing with my cat and holding her upside down. She started frantically meowing, but I still continued on playing with her. Seconds later, she got explosive diarrhea everywhere, including my hair, face, shirt, and mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Madison

Today, after countless nights spent together and flirty texts, I decided ask my crush on a date while at a party. We went on a walk and held hands. Just as I asked him, he said no, let go of my hand and briskly walked away. He was my ride home. FML

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By ams - United States

Today, I was telling my sister about the stupid sorts of questions I get asked at work. She looked at me and said "I give you five years until you turn into a raging, chain-smoking corporate bitch." My mom agreed. FML

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By WetWetWet - India

Today, I returned to work after a restful week-long holiday. Before I left, I'd finished a huge assignment which is due this week. I walk in to find a water pipe has burst just above my desk, flooding our office with water and ruining my computer. Happy New Year to me. FML

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By walker - United States

Today, my family and I went on a picnic in the park 45 minutes drive away from our house. I fell asleep beneath a tree. They left me there. FML

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By annoyed - United States - Houston

Today, my mother texted me that she was in labor. She never told me she was pregnant. Apparently she's engaged too. FML

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By Ash - United States

Today, I saw this tourist almost get hit by a cab. After he walked away I complained to my boyfriend about how idiotic people like him just deserve to die. After 5 blocks of my ranting the tourist turns around and says "I'm right in front of you bitch." I hid behind my laughing boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that aside from being savagely overworked and treated like shit for zero pay, another one of my responsibilities as an intern is to take the blame for my boss accidentally posting a link to a porn site on the company's Twitter account. FML

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By jillydark6609 - United States

Today, I found a big spider on my wall. I have arachnophobia, and I was trying to kill it with my shoe. I pulled back and hit myself in the face, causing me to fall backwards. The spider is still alive somewhere in my house. FML

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By testom - Netherlands - Rotterdam

Today, my husband accidentally erased some pictures from our hard drive. No worries, nothing major: just everything from our wedding and the birth of our first child. FML

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By treegirl - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on his couch when suddenly I tried to get up. Before I could stand, he grabs onto me and says, "I'm a koala and you're my eucalyptus tree!" He then continued to latch onto me for a good five minutes pretending to eat my hair. FML

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By too proud to beg - 23/9/2020 02:02

Basic Instinct

Today, I told my husband that it makes me feel unattractive and undesirable that I’m the only one to ever initiate intimacy. Not just sex, but also basic affection like hugging and kissing. His response? "Oh." FML

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By LacrosseFAIL - United States - Schaumburg

Today, after a long day at work, I walked into my room with the lights off and jumped on my bed. At least I would've if I haven't rearranged my room and instead face-planted onto my desk. FML

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By Alex - United States - Honolulu

Today, I was at my mom's funeral. My sisters and I were sitting in the front row. The funeral director, whom we had met with twice before, was going around greeting everyone. When she got to us, she asked where our mom was. Seriously? FML

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By laxie - United States

Today, my three-year-old decided to dump the entire contents of her cereal box onto the kitchen floor because she was looking for a "prize." The only prize we found was a huge dead cockroach, which she promptly stuck in her mouth. FML

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By SpiderFather - France

Today, my seven-year-old son put a spider in the microwave. Animal cruelty? No. The goal was to irradiate it, then get it to bite him so that he would become Spider-Man. FML

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By bnaz - 30/10/2020 17:01

Compassionate man

Today, my father told me I'm a lazy, pathetic waste. I work and have a one-year-old. Apparently, if you're trying to catch up on sleep, you're lazy. FML

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By FaceTime issues - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I called my mom to ask for some help with my dishwasher. Somehow, the call got turned into a video call. I was wearing a bathrobe, and she was naked in her bathroom. Most awkward call ever. FML

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By Bashit - United States - Bullard

Today, I received a call from the company I applied to, only to have my father pick it up and make fun of the man's accent. They won't call me back or take any of my calls, and my dad is completely unapologetic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent ages at CVS waiting for a flu shot. The main cause of holdup was a disagreement between the pharmacist and the insurance company over 4 cents. FML

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By AngryLittleMan - United States

Today, I discovered something more dangerous than drivers who text: drivers who break your car windows with a bat while stopped at a red light. FML

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By Journo - United States

Nice try

Today, after two months of unemployment, I got a call from a marketing firm offering me an interview for an entry-level position. While Googling the company, I discovered it's a scam. I graduated college in 3 years with a 3.5 GPA, and the only interview I can get is at a fake company. FML

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By Embarrassed ass. - United States - Oregon City

Today, while on a walk during lunch, I urgently needed to pee. Not thinking I could make it back to the office, I slipped into some bushes to relieve myself. As I was going, I looked to the side and saw two coworkers staring back at me. They were having sex, and I'm there with my dick out. Awkward. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that, because i'm a student, the employees I train make more than me. FML

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By thnxbabe

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our six-month anniversary. And by that, I mean he brought along his obnoxious best friend, and I paid for everyone's dinner at an expensive restaurant. FML

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By RDMdragoon - United States

Today, while deleting my ex-fiancée's account off my computer, I saved her pics. I found one of her with her now boyfriend in our bedroom. FML

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By BugDTV - United States - Auburn

Today, I went to open my store but corporate had changed the locks without notice. The store's being sold. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 20:00

Double-crossed

Today, I found out my husband wasn’t really “working from home” in the evenings. He locks himself in his office until the late hours of the night, having intimate Skype sessions with his coworker. That explains why our joint bank account hasn’t seen a direct deposit this past month. FML

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By a faint recollection - United States - Goshen

Today, while at a trampoline park, my time of the month and my out-of-shape body worked together to make me almost pass out. FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#5527217 - Sunday 9 June 2013 15:54

You interrupted the sacred Cage ritual. You shall die for your transgression!

By SWC_Penguin | 17

#5527246 - Sunday 9 June 2013 16:00

Mask? No, that was Nicholas Cage wearing a floral dress.

COMMENTS

By Welshite | 39

#5527217 - Sunday 9 June 2013 15:54

You interrupted the sacred Cage ritual. You shall die for your transgression!

Reply

lp5252 | 4

#5527240 - Sunday 9 June 2013 15:58

drop the pizza and fucking run!

Reply

gotaplanstan | 28

#5527274 - Sunday 9 June 2013 16:20

Yeah but what happened to John Travolta's face??? Maybe the cats ate it?

Reply

SadGirl18 | 16

#5527332 - Sunday 9 June 2013 17:16

He got caged.

Reply

JereMy_Life | 6

#5905863 - Saturday 5 April 2014 18:12

Maybe he didn't interrupt it, because it hadnt started yet: she was waiting for him to be part of it ! That's why she called the pizza delivery guy. Hadn't he leaved, he would be wearing a Nicolas Cage mask right now...

By Melix | 31

#5527229 - Sunday 9 June 2013 15:56

She was partying hard with her cats. Lol.

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DyslexicPanda | 12

#5527285 - Sunday 9 June 2013 16:31

OP should be glad she didn't want to wear HIS face

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Melix | 31

#5527317 - Sunday 9 June 2013 16:59

Imagine if she was wearing his face already when she opened the door? O.O

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nevereyes | 31

#5870395 - Thursday 27 February 2014 7:47

That would make for a good creepypasta.

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DarksideDoll | 31

#5872117 - Saturday 1 March 2014 3:48

That's a little too intense.

By k_lylepad | 19

#5527231 - Sunday 9 June 2013 15:56

That's some Paranormal Activity shit. Put the pizza down and walk away very slowly.

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HolyCrepe | 10

#5527412 - Sunday 9 June 2013 18:38

I wouldn't be leaving slowly if I saw that...

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xSphinx | 18

#5872289 - Saturday 1 March 2014 7:00

how is that paranormal activity? you're stupid, stop breathing.

By brittyboo123 | 35

#5527234 - Sunday 9 June 2013 15:57

Interesting people in the world.

By guy24 | 9

#5527236 - Sunday 9 June 2013 15:57

That awkward moment when...

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ImWhiteBoy_WhoRU | 10

#5527599 - Sunday 9 June 2013 20:34

...Your comment isn't funny

Reply

seventhejellyman | 12

#5865928 - Saturday 22 February 2014 20:45

I see what you did there

By Miq999 | 5

#5527238 - Sunday 9 June 2013 15:58

Some really fucking weird people out there

By samabomination | 19

#5527243 - Sunday 9 June 2013 15:59

Congrats! You won the contest! As your job of a pizza delivery guy the contest was to find a person weirder than the people at Walmart! Your prize? Scars for life.

Reply

linyah | 11

#5527386 - Sunday 9 June 2013 18:07

not sure on that..i worked for sam's club a while back and we have our famous megatron lady. claimed she is the mother of god, and megatron is coming to get us. Though, i would of been amused to see what OP saw.

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cmayer | 20

#5527519 - Sunday 9 June 2013 19:34

Sure she didn't say metatron? Bc god + megaton = plain crazy but god + metatron = makes sense but maybe still a little crazy

Reply

nevereyes | 31

#5870400 - Thursday 27 February 2014 7:50

Well I work with a guy who calls himself "hey Zeus" and hits things with a stick of celery.....

Reply

sergei_yusef | 11

#5955128 - Saturday 24 May 2014 19:44

#87 his name would be Jèsus. the way he says it is how the Spanish pronounce it. I'm guessing that it's Spanish that is.

By killmeslowly5 | 5

#5527244 - Sunday 9 June 2013 16:00

This made my day at least you know she's a funny lady

By SWC_Penguin | 17

#5527246 - Sunday 9 June 2013 16:00

Mask? No, that was Nicholas Cage wearing a floral dress.

Reply

JFloUnknown | 24

#5527376 - Sunday 9 June 2013 17:57

With his Nicolas Cage breed cats.

By MissEmma_fml | 22

#5527251 - Sunday 9 June 2013 16:02

"All of my characters have a glint of madness." - Nicolas Cage.

Sounds like your woman is embracing the madness! Just go with it, who doesn't want to prance about in a Nicolas Cage mask? I know I have!

*leans on wall of padded cell*