Miscellaneous: Today, I was delivering pizza. When I went up to the front door,... - FML

Today, I was delivering pizza. When I went up to the front door, an elderly lady answered. She was wearing a floral dress that went down to her shins and had a Nicolas Cage mask on with eye holes cut out. When I glanced behind her, I saw her cats had them too. FML

By Alice

Tom Fonder's illustrated FML

Hey folks! Today is special. We have to admit we're quite excited to welcome one hell of a guy, one who can draw the most expressive...

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By nicholascageonyourface / Sunday 9 June 2013 05:13 / United States

BO Central

Triage

You tried

By arrow

Today, my math teacher decided to give everyone in the class candy. He skipped me, and when another student pointed it out, his response was "I don’t like her." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I signed for a delivery for my mom and something inside started to vibrate. I can't leave it because if she gets home and it's still vibrating she'll know I know what it is, but if I open it to turn it off, she'll know I've opened it and know what it is. Someone help me. FML

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By jessye1182 - United States - Yaphank

Today, I was babysitting, playing hide and go seek. I tried to jump behind the armchair, but it tipped, and I hit my head into the wind chimes, ripped the curtain rod from the wall, and smashed my knee into the wall. I lay on the ground in agonizing pain as the little girl shouted, "I know where you are!" FML

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By shitty shit - United States - Carmel

Today, I was looking at old pictures with my mom and saw one of myself crying in kindergarten. I asked why I was crying. She said that was the day a boy kissed me on the cheek, and I thought I'd gotten pregnant. She then decided to give me the sex talk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Don't wanna know

Today, my mother dragged me into Victoria's Secret to get my opinion on some lingerie. Lingerie she'll be using to get into my dad's pants this evening. FML

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By mike4444 - France

Today, I bought myself a flower for Valentine's Day to be delivered to myself from "Anonymous". FML

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By Mr. E

Today, as I was teaching my 10th grade biology honors class, a student came in with a dead frog and asked if we could dissect it. He tried to toss it to me and missed, so it landed in a girl's lap. She threw up all over me. FML

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By strwbrry - United States

Today, I came home early, and my boyfriend's car was in my driveway. Inside, he was talking to my parents. He walked right past me and left. My mother then says "He wanted me to tell you it's over." FML

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By difference between birds and mammals. - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching TV and there were penguins laying eggs. He said, "Penguins are mammals, they don't lay eggs." I replied, "Penguins are birds." We fought about it for ages until he realised that I was right, and has since stopped talking to me. FML

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By shunned - United Kingdom

Today, two months after moving up to Scotland to be with my fiancé, he broke up with me because he 'didn't love me anymore and hadn't for a long time.' Shame he didn't tell me that when he was saying 'I love you, I want to marry you', having sex with me, and using my savings for a deposit on a flat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend called my parents to let them know I broke up with him. He was sobbing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my cat refuses to drink from any source of water that isn't the toilet. FML

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By jcrb - 3/9/2021 10:59

The ruling class wins again

Today, someone had been stealing my brownie at work every day, so I sprinkled cocolax on one and waited to find out who the culprit was. Turns out it was my manager. Needless to say, I'm fired. FML

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By Ravenclaw/Puckwudgie

Today, I got a haircut and met up with a friend for lunch. Said friend then burst out laughing, saying my haircut made me look like Professor Snape. FML

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By defectivesuperhero

Today, I couldn't get my car hood to open to check the fluids. A few miles down the highway, though, it popped right open. FML

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By Maxwell - France

Today, my 4 year old son thought it was funny to put money in the shredder. He stuck over 500 dollars in it. FML

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By fffemaleee - United States - Waterford

Today, my phone got stolen at church. FML

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By Jenny

Stalker or coincidence?

Today, I went grocery shopping at the store near my house. Upon checking out, I look up to see that my cashier is none other than the woman I went on a date with a few months ago, and whose calls and texts I ignored after she began to obsess over me. FML

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By jada - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend over and over again and he never answered. His mom just called me and asked how I was holding up. I asked her what she meant and she had to tell me he checked himself into rehab because he was addicted to heroin. FML

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By mirandatheunicorn

Today, I was having a beautiful lucid dream when a telemarketer called at 5AM, waking me up. I silenced my phone and went back to sleep, and was somehow able to resume my lucid dream. Then my phone vibrated me awake. It was the same telemarketer, this time calling at 7AM. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was verbally harassed by a customer because I wouldn’t give her special treatment after her meal was incorrect. I offered her a refund and a coupon for a free meal, which she refused before calling me a stupid kid who wouldn’t do anything to help her. FML

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By grooveshark - 30/9/2020 20:01

Quiet down!

Today, I could hear my parents having sex from the other end of my house. My mom set the stove on fire because she forgot she was cooking. FML

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By Scaredwitless - United States

Spooky

Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML

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By heartless - United States

Today, my mom told me she can't wait for me to turn eighteen so she can turn my room into a place for her to display all her antique glass dolls. FML

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By danmarino - United States

Today, these kids in my math class told me to ask this girl if I could lick her clit. I basically yelled, "What's a clit?" Everyone looked at me. I'm a senior in high school, no one has yet to explain it to me. I had to google it when I got home. FML

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By Crissylove10 - United States

Today, I bought a fake "wedding ring" at Target to play a prank on my parents. They kicked me out, saying my "fiancé" can take care of me now. There is no fiancé, and I just lost my job. FML

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By Not-so-sexy - United States

Today, I tried to send my boyfriend a sexy picture. I took a close up picture of my face, and, trying to be sexy, had my naked body reflected on a mirror in the background. First thing he says: "Who the hell is that guy in the background?" FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2020 14:01

Mix and match

Today, as I was getting ready for church, I couldn't decide between my black or white shoes. I put one of each on, then my son started crying. Fast forward, I'm at church, I look down and I'm wearing one white shoe and one black shoe. FML

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By Bawo - United States

Today, I was getting it on with my cute guy friend in his candlelit bedroom and we had just started tearing each other's clothes off. I decided to be coy and sexy and flip my hair to the side. As I did so, my long hair caught in the flames of his lit candles and caught half of my head on fire. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my cat still loves my boyfriend more than me. I spent around 6 months convincing my boyfriend to get a cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my favorite fish died. To make things better my parents thought to take me out to dinner. We ate sushi. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a support group for my porn addiction. I was hoping I wouldn't recognize anyone there. The first person I recognized was my dad, and the second was one of my professors. FML

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By wrongplacewrongtime - United States - San Antonio

Today, l took my new boyfriend to the place where my ex and I used to hook up, only to find out that my ex and his new girl had the same idea. FML

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By Jim - United States

Today, my son is having housing issues, so I let him stay at my place for a while. Today, he found out that the quiet, dorky-looking professor who lives next door is an MMA fighter. He tried to break into the guy's house in the middle of the night and is now in the hospital. FML

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By ohwell - United States

Today, I finally confessed to the guy I've liked for 2 years. I told him that I've really liked him for a long time and that I knew he had a girlfriend and I didn't expect anything from him, I just wanted him to know. His response: "Are you done? 'Cause I need to go to the bathroom." FML

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By lazydude - 17/3/2021 11:01

Heaven knows I'm miserable now

Today, I got hired and now I have to work. FML

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By confusedphotographer - United States

Today, I was fixing some photos for a client. I spent 20 minutes trying to Photoshop an unusual black dot out of a picture. Only then did I discover it was a black dot on my computer screen. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2021 22:59 - Canada - Ottawa

Modern warfare

Today, as I enjoyed my peaceful evening, I realized that my redneck neighbors had gone into the hills to shoot machine guns. How the almighty f**k did they get MACHINE GUNS? FML

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By sad_dad - Canada

Today, I got home from work and heard the shower in my bathroom running. Thinking my wife was taking a shower, I got completely undressed and walked in. My wife wasn't in the shower, instead I found my daughter and her boyfriend in the shower, making out. There was an awkward moment of silence. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was told that if I was caught yawning again, I'd be fired. FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#5527217 - Sunday 9 June 2013 15:54

You interrupted the sacred Cage ritual. You shall die for your transgression!

By SWC_Penguin | 17

#5527246 - Sunday 9 June 2013 16:00

Mask? No, that was Nicholas Cage wearing a floral dress.

COMMENTS

By Welshite | 39

#5527217 - Sunday 9 June 2013 15:54

You interrupted the sacred Cage ritual. You shall die for your transgression!

Reply

lp5252 | 4

#5527240 - Sunday 9 June 2013 15:58

drop the pizza and fucking run!

Reply

gotaplanstan | 28

#5527274 - Sunday 9 June 2013 16:20

Yeah but what happened to John Travolta's face??? Maybe the cats ate it?

Reply

SadGirl18 | 16

#5527332 - Sunday 9 June 2013 17:16

He got caged.

Reply

JereMy_Life | 6

#5905863 - Saturday 5 April 2014 18:12

Maybe he didn't interrupt it, because it hadnt started yet: she was waiting for him to be part of it ! That's why she called the pizza delivery guy. Hadn't he leaved, he would be wearing a Nicolas Cage mask right now...

By Melix | 31

#5527229 - Sunday 9 June 2013 15:56

She was partying hard with her cats. Lol.

Reply

DyslexicPanda | 12

#5527285 - Sunday 9 June 2013 16:31

OP should be glad she didn't want to wear HIS face

Reply

Melix | 31

#5527317 - Sunday 9 June 2013 16:59

Imagine if she was wearing his face already when she opened the door? O.O

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nevereyes | 31

#5870395 - Thursday 27 February 2014 7:47

That would make for a good creepypasta.

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DarksideDoll | 31

#5872117 - Saturday 1 March 2014 3:48

That's a little too intense.

By k_lylepad | 19

#5527231 - Sunday 9 June 2013 15:56

That's some Paranormal Activity shit. Put the pizza down and walk away very slowly.

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HolyCrepe | 10

#5527412 - Sunday 9 June 2013 18:38

I wouldn't be leaving slowly if I saw that...

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xSphinx | 18

#5872289 - Saturday 1 March 2014 7:00

how is that paranormal activity? you're stupid, stop breathing.

By brittyboo123 | 35

#5527234 - Sunday 9 June 2013 15:57

Interesting people in the world.

By guy24 | 9

#5527236 - Sunday 9 June 2013 15:57

That awkward moment when...

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ImWhiteBoy_WhoRU | 10

#5527599 - Sunday 9 June 2013 20:34

...Your comment isn't funny

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seventhejellyman | 12

#5865928 - Saturday 22 February 2014 20:45

I see what you did there

By Miq999 | 5

#5527238 - Sunday 9 June 2013 15:58

Some really fucking weird people out there

By samabomination | 19

#5527243 - Sunday 9 June 2013 15:59

Congrats! You won the contest! As your job of a pizza delivery guy the contest was to find a person weirder than the people at Walmart! Your prize? Scars for life.

Reply

linyah | 11

#5527386 - Sunday 9 June 2013 18:07

not sure on that..i worked for sam's club a while back and we have our famous megatron lady. claimed she is the mother of god, and megatron is coming to get us. Though, i would of been amused to see what OP saw.

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cmayer | 20

#5527519 - Sunday 9 June 2013 19:34

Sure she didn't say metatron? Bc god + megaton = plain crazy but god + metatron = makes sense but maybe still a little crazy

Reply

nevereyes | 31

#5870400 - Thursday 27 February 2014 7:50

Well I work with a guy who calls himself "hey Zeus" and hits things with a stick of celery.....

Reply

sergei_yusef | 11

#5955128 - Saturday 24 May 2014 19:44

#87 his name would be Jèsus. the way he says it is how the Spanish pronounce it. I'm guessing that it's Spanish that is.

By killmeslowly5 | 5

#5527244 - Sunday 9 June 2013 16:00

This made my day at least you know she's a funny lady

By SWC_Penguin | 17

#5527246 - Sunday 9 June 2013 16:00

Mask? No, that was Nicholas Cage wearing a floral dress.

Reply

JFloUnknown | 24

#5527376 - Sunday 9 June 2013 17:57

With his Nicolas Cage breed cats.

By MissEmma_fml | 22

#5527251 - Sunday 9 June 2013 16:02

"All of my characters have a glint of madness." - Nicolas Cage.

Sounds like your woman is embracing the madness! Just go with it, who doesn't want to prance about in a Nicolas Cage mask? I know I have!

*leans on wall of padded cell*