Today, I was cuddling my girlfriend. The TV was on behind me,...

By can't win - 13/1/2015 16:25 - Australia

Today, I was cuddling my girlfriend. The TV was on behind me, with some kind of girl's basketball game playing. When I stared into my girlfriend's eyes, she accused me of trying to check out the girls by looking at their reflection in her eyes. FML

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Love

Instadrama

Creepy

Boom, headshot

By jill - 25/2/2014 16:59 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about some recent family drama my sister has been causing. He quickly lost interest and started jacking off right next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2016 14:36 - United States - Arlington

Today, my acne reached a new low. Literally. I'm now getting bright red pimples on my penis. FML

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By spandexwiener - 18/8/2012 16:27 - United States - Export

Today, I finally finished my summer assignments for three AP classes. My schedule also arrived. Turns out my school can't place me in any of them, and I just wasted the last four weeks of my summer. FML

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By Queensland - 18/10/2014 07:20 - Australia

Today, I woke up to find "Fuck you, Harry" painted on my car. Harry's my neighbour. FML

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By steakysteak - 12/3/2010 15:06 - United States

Today, I got a package in the mail from my girlfriend. I was really excited until I realized that it was just a box full things that I gave to her. FML

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By swallowsafly - 8/6/2019 04:00

Today, Facebook sent me a new friend suggestion. I opened it only to see that the person suggested was the home wrecker that broke up my marriage 4 years ago. Her cover picture is her and my ex together, along with a group of people that I used to be friends with. FML

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By Dana - 16/11/2018 15:30

Today, I told my son if he wanted the new internet password he had to clean his room. I then caught him disconnecting my laptop from the internet. Turns out he changed the password months ago and now if I want the new password he wants £50. I ended up paying. I'm actually proud of the sneaky sod. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2010 02:31 - United States

Today, I noticed I give myself pep-talks when I'm lonely. FML

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By Devin - 21/6/2019 22:17

Today, my dog chewed through his leash, so I had to take him inside to prevent him from running off. I went to bed. I woke up to torn-up blinds, half-ate sandals, and a very, very anxious cat due to my dog running after her and trying to sniff her butt. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2014 04:30 - United States - Olney

Today, my car got towed. My money is in my car and they won't let me open my car to get money until my car is "released". FML

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By Two wrecks one car - 20/8/2018 16:30 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, a woman pulled out in front me and I couldn't avoid hitting her. When we pulled off on the side of the road to inspect the damage, she backed into me. My car is only a month old. FML

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By MetalisLife - 11/1/2017 09:50

Today, I thought I died in the shower. I was very intensely playing air guitar while simultaneously headbanging. I punched myself in the dick. FML

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By nerdgirlmickey - 3/3/2013 16:05 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I found out my girlfriend can do Heath Ledger's "Joker" voice perfectly. I'm not sure if I should be scared or impressed. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2014 16:09 - United Kingdom - Crawley

Today, my brother decided to help me artificially age some of my artwork by singeing the edges slightly. Apparently "my brother set fire to my homework" isn't a valid excuse. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 20:02

Horsing around

Today, my horse, who has been nothing but gentle for 27 years, kicked me right in the knee on my last vacation day. It's so bad, I can hardly sleep or sit down on the toilet. Tomorrow I go back to work, which involves lots of walking, sitting down and getting back up, as well as lifting heavy stuff. FML

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By peterpan - 23/2/2010 12:54 - Germany

Today, I was making schnitzel at our kitchen so I had to get rid of all the oil. So I decided it would be best to put the hot pan on our porch so the oil would cool down and then I could get rid of it. Unfortunately the ground is sealed with tar, so the tar melted and now the pan is stuck to the ground. FML

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By TommyNoFeet - 4/12/2017 06:00

Today, my third day training for a half marathon, I tripped and broke both of my ankles and one wrist. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2016 09:41 - Switzerland - Ruschlikon

Today, my boyfriend told me I sound like a squeaky toy during sex, and asked if I could get it under control because it creeps him out. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2012 02:26 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents changed the code on our alarm system while they were out of town. The police could not verify I was their son, despite spending hours trying to get hold of them. They thought it was just another telemarketer. FML

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By pwndbykidz - 9/8/2009 23:54 - Canada

Today, I found out the hot girl I'd been flirting with on Facebook is actually 3 10-year-olds who created a fake profile to see how many desperate losers would try to hook up with her. FML

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By badtrip - 3/3/2009 03:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was packing for her study abroad program. Jokingly, I got her a pack of condoms. She laughed, saying "Oh yeah, I'll definitely need some of those." Later, I showed up to take her to the airport and saw her open suitcase in the kitchen, with the condoms on top. FML

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By pabj208 - 22/12/2015 16:53 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me during what was supposed to be a romantic getaway at a remote log cabin. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2016 05:04 - United States - Kenosha

Today, I started a new job. The synopsis of my training was, "You're starting a job you're going to hate and you'll be fired for entertaining yourself while waiting for us to give you more work. But you're going to love being here." FML

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By Mothering - 11/7/2011 09:25 - Australia

Today, I took my 16 year-old daughter to get a bank account, taking her birth certificate with us as requested. When the teller wrote her name down on a piece of paper, my daughter said "How do you know my name?" The teller just looked at her and held up her birth certificate. I raised a nitwit. FML

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By dontgothere - 23/2/2014 04:40 - United States - Egg Harbor Township

Today, I woke up with a strange and itchy feeling in my anus. When I told my boyfriend about it, he started laughing. I still don't know what he did. FML

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By jojolovesyou134 - 23/6/2019 22:45

Today, as I have been the past week, I've was sent to fix my coworker's fuck-ups in his new area, and help him out as I know it. I then needed help in his old area, and got told to suck it up and figure it out. I've been doing this a year, he's been doing it for 5 years FML

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By soawkward - 26/1/2012 19:09 - Canada

Today, I passed out in the shower with my boyfriend. He just left me there. FML

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By Awkward - 4/2/2010 16:03 - France

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, claiming moving in was a bad idea and he is the type who needs his privacy. It was his idea to move in, he had to convince me. Now we are stuck, under lease together for the next 6 months. FML

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By nowhereman1990 - 3/8/2010 04:23 - Venezuela

Today, I heard on a local radio a song I wrote almost 2 years ago. Apparently, after my family and I moved away, my former band found a new guitar player, and that song is now the first single of their debut LP. FML

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By CB4 - 5/2/2009 22:34 - United States

Today, I woke up to my car covered in shaving cream and tampons and the word CHEATER written on my windshield in lipstick. The guy a few doors down from me in my dorm has the same car as me. I'm a virgin. FML

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By samba_spaz - 19/9/2019 06:01 - United States - Los Angeles

Groove is in the Heart

Today, I was at my usual drum circle. This guy I'd never seen before showed up and started playing an unfamiliar beat. Thinking he was new, I tried to teach him what to play. Turns out he was a professional drummer and was playing an advanced version of the groove I was trying to teach him. FML

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By notababymama - 7/2/2010 17:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years saw baby wipes in my bathroom and assumed I had a kid. He broke up with me. I use baby wipes to take off my makeup. FML

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By Username - 9/3/2011 10:04

Today, my boyfriend told me he had to go pick up his family from the airport. I assumed he meant his parents. He apologized and said he meant his wife and child. They'd got their visa sooner than he'd thought. FML

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By I'm a joke? - 30/5/2013 05:37

Today, I found out that me having a boyfriend is an on-going family joke. FML

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By onlyjuggalos - 31/1/2016 08:13 - United States

Today, I told my grandpa that I want to join the police force. His response: "You wanna lynch some blacks without the jail time, eh?" FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2012 08:30 - Belgium

Today, I was babysitting a 7 year-old brat. He refused to eat his vegetables, so I forbade him from playing until they were finished. He stomped off upstairs, so I let him cool off for a couple of minutes. When I went upstairs, he had taken scissors to all of his mother's clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2012 14:14 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I had a conversation about how Victoria Beckham ate fruit salad for her birthday, as if it was an important subject. FML

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By TasedAndDazed - 9/10/2009 15:05 - United States

Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I knew his parents wouldn't be there. Later, I woke up in a hospital bed because his sister thought I was a burglar and tased me. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 01:00

Second time

Today, I woke up with a rash on my face after just getting over a bad cold. I was told by the doctor that it was a staph infection spread by wearing a face mask. The face mask I wore so people wouldn’t catch the cold from me. FML

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By azouwa - 29/7/2017 05:00

Everybody wants to be a cat

Today, I caught my 10 year-old in the closet, naked, on his hands and knees, eating cat food straight from the bag. He'd torn a hole in the side of the bag, cat food was everywhere. We have plenty of food in the house, but he wants to be a cat. FML

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Top comments

By PharmacyJoe | 13

#6172079 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:09

"No dear. I'm just trying to see deep enough into your soul to know if you're worthy enough for sacrifice to the Dark Lord."

By BaDumTsss_fml | 23

#6172073 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:07

Wow, paranoid much?

COMMENTS

By giantsfan2010 | 23

#6172069 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:06

Girl logic....as if you could actually do that.

By BaDumTsss_fml | 23

#6172073 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:07

Wow, paranoid much?

Crossing | 17

#6172137 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 1:04

Maybe she was just busting his balls?

TanzWolf | 26

#6172632 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 18:31

I'm always paranoid of stranger pixel girls on a TV screen. They look like might jump out and look at my boyfriend or something....

illusong | 16

#6172706 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 20:53

Are you dating the overly attached girlfriend (meme)

By heirofhope | 38

#6172077 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:09

Sheesh! That would be one strategic way of going about it. I'm sorry OP, she sounds like she could be insecure, I think you should talk to her about that to prevent future absurdities.

Classy_Sassy_15 | 15

#6172108 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:38

Just explain that you were looking into her eyes not the women in the game.

By thomasrasmussen7 | 20

#6172078 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:09

Well, ball is life.

By PharmacyJoe | 13

#6172079 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:09

"No dear. I'm just trying to see deep enough into your soul to know if you're worthy enough for sacrifice to the Dark Lord."

heirofhope | 38

#6172086 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:11

#5 You're killing me with that comment, it made my day! Hail Satan.

kimeatszombies | 22

#6172101 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:29

I am Satan, Lord of darkness.

Erebus_Terror | 12

#6172129 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:59

You're the Lady of Cuteness.

rocker_chick105 | 31

#6172130 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 1:00

15- Bo Burnham reference?

FieldLeftBlank | 20

#6172255 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 4:56

Satan? I thought he meant Voldemort.

bryce0110 | 23

#6172270 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 5:15

Everyone who replied here got bad reviews :P

warsun | 27

#6172330 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 8:00

So did you

biebahood | 15

#6172559 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 16:12

wtf how come people here not get a you-know-who reference :O

kimeatszombies | 22

#6172649 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 19:03

I was trying to add a Bo Burnham reference, but no one understood. :P

PharmacyJoe | 13

#6172757 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 23:29

It could be Voldy! Or it could be Sauron... I'll never tell! :)

xSphinx | 18

#6173093 - Thursday 15 January 2015 7:13

Hail satan you religious christian-mormon fucks. Go crucify yourself.

By Retaheki | 27

#6172080 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:09

Your girlfriend is really insecure. If she really thinks you could get a good look at girls through the reflection in her eyes, she's got issues.

rdenkewicz | 11

#6174963 - Saturday 17 January 2015 2:48

Why would she think you watch girls basketball to check out other girls? She needs to be worried about cheerleading, beach volleyball and the internet.

By jojimugo | 20

#6172088 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:12

Your girl crazy dude

By miianah1 | 22

#6172089 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:13

She's probably joking. I cannot see anyone saying that seriously. But if she is serious, then all I can say is run.

By tuxedoandex | 28

#6172090 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:13

She's obviously been cheating on you with the toaster, and she's trying to cover it up. Break up with her immediately.

By miianah1 | 22

#6172092 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:14

"Mm look at those .05 millimeter boobs"
Your girlfriend is an idiot if she was serious.