Today, I was cuddling my girlfriend. The TV was on behind me,...

By can't win - 13/1/2015 16:25 - Australia

Today, I was cuddling my girlfriend. The TV was on behind me, with some kind of girl's basketball game playing. When I stared into my girlfriend's eyes, she accused me of trying to check out the girls by looking at their reflection in her eyes. FML

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Love

Double standards

Emergency haircut

Goodbye Bill

By katwingz - 19/2/2013 22:47 - United States - Fairfield

Today, after being together for only 2 weeks, my boyfriend got me a year's gym membership for my birthday in a card that said, "So u can b hott! Luv u!" FML

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By couch_potato - 28/3/2013 07:53

Today, I finished installing remote access CCTV cameras around my house due to the high rate of burglaries around my neighborhood. I turn it on to see my teenage son rubbing one out on the couch. FML

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By Nothing Special - 23/12/2015 06:54 - United States - Hixson

Today, it's been a week since I flew down to stay with my long distance boyfriend. We went on long walks on the shore, under the stars, and had an unforgettable picnic viewing the sunset. I just now received a message of screenshots displaying him attempting to hook up with another girl. FML

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By socialbanana - 19/12/2016 02:13 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, after getting up at 6 a.m., fighting with the dogs to wipe their paws off from the snow, and having to wait for a moving truck to move so I could get to work by 8, I got a call from my boss saying we were closed due to weather. It was 8:15. I was already there. FML

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By Goaway - 14/8/2011 11:20 - United States

Today, two Jehovah's Witnesses rang my doorbell for the 10th time. This time they asked me whether I knew Faith's greatest enemy. I replied, "Basic reasoning?" A copy of The Watchtower can really hurt when it hits you in the eye. FML

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By Walter_Sobchak7 - 12/8/2017 01:30

Today, while at work, a sneeze snuck up on me. Ever sneeze so violently your fake tooth shoots into the cubicle across from you? FML

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By unexpected_failure - 22/11/2010 18:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I was showing my Mom how to use the Internet on her phone. As there was bad reception, it said "Unexpected Failure." Seeing it, she muttered under her breath, "Just like you, then..." FML

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By joi9496 - 1/1/2018 01:30

Today, at age 23, I met my absentee father. He went on about how much he missed me and wanted to know more about me. He then asked if I knew where he could get some good weed, and said he'd share it to make up for all the missed birthdays and Christmases. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2015 13:29 - United States - Fairmont

Today, I found out that while my sister can somehow manage to keep an eye on and control her three preschool-aged children at the park, making sure nobody steals my dog from right beside her is just too big of a job. FML

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By STUPID BIRTHDAY - 5/3/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. I set up a dinner party for 20 of my closest friends. I arrived at the restaurant, fully dressed and everything. When I got there, I thought everyone was ready to surprise me, but instead, nobody showed up. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2013 16:05 - Canada - Neustadt

Today, I went to a dance and saw a really cute guy. Glow sticks were everywhere, so trying to be cute, I took a broken one and dripped some of the glowing liquid on my chest. It made him notice me, but only for him to point out that I'd managed to cut myself and was bleeding badly. FML

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By nohablaespanol - 18/3/2013 23:42 - United States - Sanger

Today, I had an interview for a job I really wanted. On my resume, I wrote that I speak conversational Spanish, although I don't. When I arrived for the interview, my interviewer decided to conduct it in Spanish. FML

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By hatesurf - 26/6/2009 17:23 - Peru

Today, I was surfing. I saw a cop writing a ticket for my car, I swam as fast as I could to stop him, I got caught in a wave, and smashed onto the rocks. I ended up with a huge bleeding scratch on my back, a broken surfboard, and a note saying that I had a flat tire. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2012 23:20 - Sri Lanka - Piliyandala

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said it was because my mom's lazy eye creeps him out, and that my dad hates him. She doesn't have a lazy eye, he's never met my dad, never seen my mom, and now according to his friends, he's been cheating on me for the past two weeks. FML

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By - 28/1/2019 12:00 - United States - Arcade

Today, I woke up with a horrible UTI after having sex with my fiance the night before. I went to an urgent care to get antibiotics as my primary is closed. Turns out, I'm allergic to condom lubricant. Now everytime I pee, It not only burns, but smells like a nasty condom... FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2012 22:10 - United States - Chandler

Today, I corrected someone who spelled "learned" as "learnt" on my favorite forum. Nothing could've prepared me for the torrent of abuse that followed from the non-American members. Now I'm banned for "trolling," and all my 7,000+ posts since 2006 are gone forever. FML

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By katara - 2/7/2010 23:53 - United States

Today, I was relaxing on the couch after a long day with my annoying aunt when I heard my sister come in from the garage. I loudly asked, "Do you think Aunt Stacy knows everybody doesn't like her?" It wasn't my sister. It was my aunt returning my purse I had left in her car. FML

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By blackcarnation - 22/12/2013 21:56 - United States - South Windsor

Today, my brother got a new saxophone. He thought a good way to break it in was to play it in my ear. Loudly. While I was sleeping. FML

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By Me - 26/11/2011 23:10 - United States

Today, my neighbors coated their house in flashing Christmas lights and blared out "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" all day long. Only 29 days left until Christmas. FML

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By twit - 16/3/2009 01:14 - United States

Today, a girl-scout asked me to buy cookies, in front of Giant. She looked nice, so I bought 5 boxes from her. She took the money and went home with her mom. I opened the boxes when I got home and realized that the boxes just had rocks in them. I got scammed by a girl-scout. FML

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By akasoor - 11/2/2013 01:51 - Canada - Hythe

Today, I went to the local pet store to purchase a large dog bed so my dog wouldn't sleep in mine. After I got home and set up her bed, I realized I forgot to buy dog treats. When I came home again, her new bed was torn to shreds, and she was still sleeping on my bed. FML

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By Nick - 16/3/2009 05:08 - Canada

Today, I was talking to this hot girl I have dinner with every week. Lately she’s always telling me how she loves me and I do the same. Today she said: "The way we talk and act around each other, people would think we were dating." My answer was: "Aren't we?". FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2009 00:38 - Canada

Today, my cousin and I found out that when a girl puts a flower in the right side of her hair, it means she's available. The bigger the flower, the more available she is. My eleven year old boy cousin told me to cut down a palm tree and put it in my hair. FML

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By omgboobs - 23/12/2009 02:34 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that when my nipples are hard, he thinks that they look like giant zits, and when he squeezes them, he imagines them popping pus. He then reached for my chest. FML

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By aphre - 18/3/2009 12:35 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of over a year and I were discussing how neither of us is the other's usual 'type'. I explained that I usually go for insular asshole types and then asked him what made me different from his usual choices. He said 'Oh, well, I usually go for the attractive ones.' FML

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By Fatty - 17/5/2011 02:12 - Canada

Today, I was making out with this guy that I like. In an attempt to be romantic, he tried to pick me up and press me against the wall. He couldn't lift me off the ground. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2009 14:08 - United States

Today, I was running outside. On the last mile I am along side some fields. While running along the side of the road I glanced down and saw a snake. I was so startled I jumped left in front of a car screaming like a girl. The snake was dead. FML

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By Dulieu - 10/2/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed I realized there were two. I didn't pick up hers. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2014 16:34 - United States - Syosset

Today, I came back home after a year studying abroad. Imagine my surprise when I found out my mom had gotten breast implants while I was away. All through dinner, I kept catching myself staring at them. No wonder my dad was so much happier than when I left. FML

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By CRH - 3/5/2011 15:41 - United States

Today, at 11 weeks pregnant, I excitedly told my best friend that my baby now has fingernails. Her response was, "You're beginning to sound like a pro-life bumper sticker." FML

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By num1piglover - 16/11/2016 22:55 - United States - Raritan

Today, my dad told my mom to only drop off my sister for Thanksgiving and not me. Guess I was wrong about him wanting to work on our relationship. FML

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By sumerflame07 - 1/12/2010 20:18 - United States

Today, while standing in line at the grocery store, the elderly lady in front of me had forgotten to pay for her milk. In the spirit of the season, I paid for it and wished her happy holidays. She snatched the milk and gave me an ugly look. Then huffed at me before stomping off. FML

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By Ihavethickthighs - 7/9/2017 16:00

Today, and for the past week, my boyfriend joined me on my walks. He's recently gotten into photography and is now intent on tracking down a rare bird that he never sees but always hears. I don't have the heart to tell him that it's the sound of my thighs rubbing together. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2013 21:57 - United States - Stillwater

Today, I was taken to the principal's office and bitched out about the dangerous weapon I brought to school. The "weapon" was a pocket fan. FML

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By secretsant4 - 3/11/2017 14:00

Today, at an 8 a.m. spin class, I knelt on the floor to set up my bike. The bike next to me was too close, and while the girl on it was pedaling to warm up, she pedaled down hard onto my heel, breaking my ankle. FML

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By fmlsrsly - 25/3/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to find out why I've been feeling so sick the past several weeks. Turns out, I'm severely allergic to the cat of my girlfriend of two years. I told her "It's me or the cat." She chose the cat. FML

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By AidenFromSweden - 6/7/2009 18:41 - Sweden

Today, I come home to find my nephew holding pieces of my new $3,500 Sony Video Camera. He told me he threw it out the window because it was a portal for aliens. FML

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By shamed - 5/11/2011 15:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my father met my boyfriend for the first time at dinner. The only thing he said to him the whole evening was, "Are you circumcised?" FML

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By Phabia - 21/4/2015 00:16 - United States - Newton

Today, I was sent to the front office for having blood shot eyes and smelling like smoke. I just didn't get enough sleep and had trouble putting my contacts in, and I always smell like smoke because of my parents' excessive smoking. They didn't believe me. My parents had to come in to back me up. FML

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By good mom - 5/11/2019 19:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Who is the worst?

Today, despite the fact that I own my home, car and have a career, I was once again told that I’ve shamed my family by being a single mom. Meanwhile, my brother has four kids with three different women and constantly hits up every family member for money. He gets nothing but just support. FML

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Top comments

By PharmacyJoe | 13

#6172079 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:09

"No dear. I'm just trying to see deep enough into your soul to know if you're worthy enough for sacrifice to the Dark Lord."

By BaDumTsss_fml | 23

#6172073 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:07

Wow, paranoid much?

Comments

By giantsfan2010 | 23

#6172069 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:06

Girl logic....as if you could actually do that.

By BaDumTsss_fml | 23

#6172073 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:07

Wow, paranoid much?

Crossing | 17

#6172137 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 1:04

Maybe she was just busting his balls?

TanzWolf | 26

#6172632 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 18:31

I'm always paranoid of stranger pixel girls on a TV screen. They look like might jump out and look at my boyfriend or something....

illusong | 16

#6172706 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 20:53

Are you dating the overly attached girlfriend (meme)

By heirofhope | 38

#6172077 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:09

Sheesh! That would be one strategic way of going about it. I'm sorry OP, she sounds like she could be insecure, I think you should talk to her about that to prevent future absurdities.

Classy_Sassy_15 | 15

#6172108 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:38

Just explain that you were looking into her eyes not the women in the game.

By thomasrasmussen7 | 20

#6172078 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:09

Well, ball is life.

By PharmacyJoe | 13

#6172079 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:09

"No dear. I'm just trying to see deep enough into your soul to know if you're worthy enough for sacrifice to the Dark Lord."

heirofhope | 38

#6172086 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:11

#5 You're killing me with that comment, it made my day! Hail Satan.

kimeatszombies | 22

#6172101 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:29

I am Satan, Lord of darkness.

Erebus_Terror | 12

#6172129 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:59

You're the Lady of Cuteness.

rocker_chick105 | 31

#6172130 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 1:00

15- Bo Burnham reference?

FieldLeftBlank | 20

#6172255 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 4:56

Satan? I thought he meant Voldemort.

bryce0110 | 23

#6172270 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 5:15

Everyone who replied here got bad reviews :P

warsun | 27

#6172330 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 8:00

So did you

biebahood | 15

#6172559 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 16:12

wtf how come people here not get a you-know-who reference :O

kimeatszombies | 22

#6172649 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 19:03

I was trying to add a Bo Burnham reference, but no one understood. :P

PharmacyJoe | 13

#6172757 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 23:29

It could be Voldy! Or it could be Sauron... I'll never tell! :)

xSphinx | 18

#6173093 - Thursday 15 January 2015 7:13

Hail satan you religious christian-mormon fucks. Go crucify yourself.

By Retaheki | 27

#6172080 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:09

Your girlfriend is really insecure. If she really thinks you could get a good look at girls through the reflection in her eyes, she's got issues.

rdenkewicz | 11

#6174963 - Saturday 17 January 2015 2:48

Why would she think you watch girls basketball to check out other girls? She needs to be worried about cheerleading, beach volleyball and the internet.

By jojimugo | 20

#6172088 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:12

Your girl crazy dude

By miianah1 | 22

#6172089 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:13

She's probably joking. I cannot see anyone saying that seriously. But if she is serious, then all I can say is run.

By tuxedoandex | 28

#6172090 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:13

She's obviously been cheating on you with the toaster, and she's trying to cover it up. Break up with her immediately.

By miianah1 | 22

#6172092 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 0:14

"Mm look at those .05 millimeter boobs"
Your girlfriend is an idiot if she was serious.