Today, I was checking out a gorgeous woman in spandex with beautiful... - FML

By anonymous - 21/2/2010 15:16 - United States

Today, I was checking out a gorgeous woman in spandex with beautiful flowing long black hair on the treadmill at the gym. I spent a few minutes just watching her body move and ripple under the material. She turned off the treadmill and got off, only for me to find out that it was a guy. FML

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Ghosted

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By moneycatious - 19/3/2012 23:50 - United States - Seattle

Today, I gave my husband an expensive watch. The first words out of his mouth were, "You didn't use our joint bank account for this, right?" He then asked if I still had the receipt. FML

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By GymBattle - 31/10/2013 23:18 - United States

Today, while I was working out, I was listening to music with my earbuds in. The Pokémon theme started playing and I begun singing along. It wasn't too long after that I remembered I was in a crowded gym on a military base. FML

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By captain patch beard - 3/10/2019 18:01

RIP Beard

Today, I met a girl at a bar, we had a few drinks and really hit it off. We headed back to my place to get a little action. As she was riding me, she got rougher and rougher until she reached down and yanked a patch of hair right out of my beard. I yelped in pain and didn’t even finish. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2020 07:14

Happy quarantine!

Today, my kid shot a Nerf dart at our TV and broke the LCD screen. We have at least 11 days of coronavirus quarantine left and no TV. I don’t think we’ll make it without killing each other. FML

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By redneckfamily - 24/5/2013 07:06 - United States - Roy

Today, I realized my family is the textbook definition of redneck after listening to my grandpa threaten to smash with an excavator the trailer that my uncle lives in behind our house if he didn't return the set of tires he had stolen and pawned from my grandpa's garage. FML

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By Chubsley - 21/2/2009 07:44 - United States

Today, I realized that the beef jerky someone had left on the counter and that I'd been sneaking a few pieces of every morning had a cartoon dog holding two strips of beef jerky. I wondered why nobody else was eating it. It was beef jerky for dogs. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 21:40 - United States - De Forest

Today, I noticed that my boyfriend's sister looks at my ass more than my boyfriend does. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2015 14:35 - France - Melesse

Today, at work, I tripped and fell face-first into a food display. As I picked myself up, totally humiliated, I tripped again and fell right back into it, earning a bunch of pitying looks from nearby customers. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2013 23:26 - United States

Today, my husband thought it would be funny to mow a penis into our lawn. I guess he forgot my parents are coming over. FML

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By rainydays79 - 23/1/2010 19:12 - United States

Today, I realized that I am the only one among my group of friends who names their bowel movements. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2014 01:36 - United States - Coeur D Alene

Today, I went on a date and ate in the park. When I crossed my legs under the table, I scraped my knee and got a lot of splinters in it. When I got back home and started digging out the splinters, my dad furiously demanded to know why I'd been on my knees during the date. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2011 21:51 - United States

Today, I had to wait an hour in the awful rain for my mom to pick me up, because she didn't realize the clocks had gone forward already. FML

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By ohgodwhyyoufreaks - 1/4/2013 11:57 - United States - Moorhead

Today, while working at a porn store, a group of six people tried to return used toys and penis pumps. Even though you can't return any items, it's still an unfortunately common occurrence. The semen in these particular toys, however, is not. All of them began shouting at me for not refunding them. FML

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By HLRJ - 29/8/2018 09:00 - United States - Concord

Today, after my husband said he forgot our anniversary 2 days ago because he was so focused on planning for today, he forgot what was so important about today. It's my birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2009 06:26 - United States

Today, I lost track of time while rocking out, butt-naked, to Kelly Clarkson and Michelle Branch after taking a shower. Three of my metalhead friends had let themselves in my house and were on the lower level laughing their butts off at me for 30 minutes before telling me. I'm a 23 year old guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2019 16:00

No internet, just cuddles

Today, my cat decided that the best place for her to pee was over the surge protector where my modem, router, and printer are plugged in. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2012 05:05 - United States - New Cumberland

Today, I put on a shirt that said "skilled in every position." My boyfriend took one look and said, "since when?" FML

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By poor baby - 12/6/2015 16:51 - Germany

Today, my boyfriend forgot to pick our son up from daycare. His excuse? Fighting in a battle in World of Warcraft was far more important and he had to stay absolutely focused. Our son had to wait for two hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2020 02:00

Notification sound

Today, I farted during a Zoom call in front of our client. I thought mic was muted. My Team Lead had lot of things to say to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2020 01:00

Still alive?

Today, after finally having the guts to confess to a guy I have liked for a year now and him saying he also likes me and then asking me out, I went out of my way and traveled 4 hours to meet him. He didn't show up and never apologized. I never heard anything from him. FML

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By ismerf19 - 22/12/2010 00:05

Today, I was working in a restaurant. On the receipt under "tip" someone actually took the time to write out "$0.00." FML

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By fmyarse - 22/7/2012 22:45 - United Kingdom - Blairgowrie

Today, I realised a second too late why trying to hack a popcorn kernel out from between your teeth with a steak knife is really a bad idea. FML

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By Gabi - 20/2/2012 14:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend would rather jerk off than have sex with me. Even if I'm next to him in bed. FML

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By ShayanFCB - 20/10/2009 19:35 - United States

Today, my boss was angry at me because I had filed a complaint about him refusing to change our phone service to something more reliable. Later, a customer called him and said I had hung up on him. I got fired. I didn't hang up on the customer, the phone service just dropped the call. FML

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By doesnttastegood - 1/2/2010 10:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that whilst I was asleep last night, my boyfriend was playing on his XBox. I also found out that whenever he unlocked a new level, achievement or just generally beat someone's ass, he would celebrate by pulling out one of his pubes and putting it in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2018 11:00 - United States - Denver

Today, the woman I've loved for 15 years and had children with told me she's remarrying to the man she cheated on me with. Since her father passed last year, she wants me to give her away at the wedding. FML

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By faulty number - 28/1/2013 23:25 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I have been waiting for a call from a job I applied for. I soon got a text from my current boss, who doesn't know I'm job hunting, letting me know that the recruiter was trying to reach me. Turns out my number on my resumé was wrong. FML

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By wtfdreams - 17/5/2009 12:33 - United States

Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML

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By Jeff make - 1/4/2012 14:03 - United States - Malvern

Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML

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By Monkey - 27/10/2012 15:02 - United States

Today, my mom called me from jail. She was arrested for having sex in public. I was with my dad when I got the call. FML

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By guiltyschuldig49 - 25/4/2020 23:00

Boozehound alert

Today, I'm exhausted. For the second time, my fiancé and I have pulled my future sister-in-law off the pavement naked and drunk at 3 a.m. and couldn't find the purse or glasses she had with her. She’s hungover and has completely blacked out what happened. Never again giving her a place to crash. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, a friend posted the Facebook status "Ahhh... relief." Trying to be funny, I replied "Why? Did you just poop?" A few hours later, I read her previous posts and found out her dad's in the hospital having heart surgery. Now everyone thinks I'm a heartless dick. FML

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By Kulcha - 13/2/2009 11:07 - Australia

Today, I was expelled from school. By my own mother. FML

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By Idontbelieveinmagic - 17/6/2013 05:42 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my dad refused to believe that the Animal Planet's mermaid mockumentaries were faked. Instead he got into a huge argument with me, claiming the government is covering up the existence of mermaids and must've threatened the producers to keep it quiet. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2010 17:47 - United States

Today, I realized the closest thing I have to guys hitting on me are the ones who ask to be my friend on Call of Duty because I have the word "girl" in my name. FML

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By julie24 - 30/5/2014 02:30 - France

Today, I was partying with friends. At around midnight, I sent a text message to my friend to reassure her, saying that of course I could handle my drink. That's the last thing I can remember about the evening. It's a total blank from that point onwards. FML

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By Knittedbirch - 14/11/2016 02:36

Today, my mom volunteered me to house-sit for one of her friends. This lady has texted me over ten times in less than 24 hours, called me unreasonable for not dropping jury duty to meet with her, and has messaged my mom multiple times to complain about me. My mom already said I would do this for free. FML

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By sad sack. - 18/1/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I got an email notification from Yahoo! Personals: "Hi, we've found 0 new matches for you". FML

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By Tim - 16/6/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, I was enjoying some much needed serenity while I ate lunch in an empty park. To my surprise, an older, clean cut man in a suit sits on the bench next to me. Without saying a word, he unleashes the most foul of farts I've ever witnessed, gets up, gives me a nod and leaves. FML

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By yeah why not - 6/4/2013 17:06 - Norway

Today, my dad had a little too much to drink. When he's that drunk, he likes to pepper me with a lot of random questions. He asked if I've ever tried hard drugs, and if I want to die. I answered no to both of the questions, and he demanded to know why not. FML

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Top comments

By blackcats31 | 0

#879581 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:07

could you not see anything through the spandex? =|

By Shokz992 | 0

#879602 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:09

It takes some guts to admit that to the world xD

COMMENTS

By reyemrein | 0

#879548 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:03

I have wasted the first comment. WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?!

Reply

1800getalife | 0

#879558 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:04

wow u deserve it for checking out Venus and serinus

Reply

Ajjas013 | 6

#879560 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:05

#1 is going to hell.

Reply

GR3453m0nk3y | 4

#879593 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:08

hahahah
i saw the page and the comments section was just Gone

i was like WTF!?

lol

Reply

greeneyedgoalie7 | 0

#879600 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:09

hahaha @4 agreed(:

Reply

samantha_durano | 5

#879644 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:19

number 4, right on :)

Reply

bleedinginside | 0

#879809 - Sunday 21 February 2010 21:08

this^

Reply

Melly14398 | 0

#879890 - Sunday 21 February 2010 21:37

wow. really??!!

Reply

AngryNinja | 1

#879925 - Sunday 21 February 2010 21:51

ydi for trying to creep some chick out, op. maybe you should observe your own rippling muscles with your hand. or maybe tarzan can help you out.

Reply

cdogbeastman | 0

#879949 - Sunday 21 February 2010 22:02

#86 ur just jealous nobody chechs u out

Reply

cdogbeastman | 0

#879956 - Sunday 21 February 2010 22:05

*checks* that was a fail i know

Reply

MadPercussion | 0

#880037 - Sunday 21 February 2010 22:57

^agreed

Reply

FatalWedgie | 0

#880045 - Sunday 21 February 2010 23:06

I know this is annoying and I apologize, but can someone please tell me how to add a pic to my profile from the iPhone. I would truly appreciate. thanks fellow FMLers.

Reply

reyemrein | 0

#880048 - Sunday 21 February 2010 23:08

you have to do it on a computer it doesn't work on iPhone/touch

Reply

Ajjas013 | 6

#880053 - Sunday 21 February 2010 23:13

Yeah, you can't do it from the mobile version.

Reply

drewm2010 | 0

#880108 - Sunday 21 February 2010 23:32

Now would be a good time to come out of the closet.

Reply

kellybby8650 | 4

#880127 - Sunday 21 February 2010 23:40

haha faggot

Reply

Ajjas013 | 6

#880228 - Monday 22 February 2010 0:20

No, I don't own a cross.

Reply

lancer126 | 0

#880291 - Monday 22 February 2010 0:44

agree with #4

Reply

phara_fml | 0

#880326 - Monday 22 February 2010 0:58

Well, you kind of deserve it for being a freaky pervert...

Reply

#880337 - Monday 22 February 2010 1:03

lol if it's a girl then it's long flowery black hair if it's a guy it would be long thick greasy hair

Reply

c0nfuzzled | 0

#880423 - Monday 22 February 2010 1:24

@59 maybe he was Shaun white's brother?

Reply

cowgod | 0

#880425 - Monday 22 February 2010 1:25

:) I still have three billion gods cuz I'm Hindu

Reply

chloe2114 | 4

#880511 - Monday 22 February 2010 1:50

reply to #113. I hav a profile pic on my iPod 4 FML...so PO dude

...PO

Reply

Norwegianbolt | 0

#880525 - Monday 22 February 2010 1:53

That sounds like the title for an Amon Amarth song.

Reply

millz2995 | 0

#880689 - Monday 22 February 2010 2:45

asshole

Reply

amazinglyava | 0

#881003 - Monday 22 February 2010 4:27

agree with phara

Reply

pipp360 | 0

#881015 - Monday 22 February 2010 4:32

that makes you hay

Reply

jorgebell17 | 0

#881113 - Monday 22 February 2010 5:02

hello :)

Reply

MXavierT | 0

#881168 - Monday 22 February 2010 5:16

Atleast you didn't make a move on him.

Reply

Zhombie | 0

#881169 - Monday 22 February 2010 5:17

#4 Doesn't realize that there is no hell. Or god, for that matter. =]

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#881218 - Monday 22 February 2010 5:31

this can only mean one thing OP...YOU ARE COMPLETELY GAY!!! xD

Reply

isreal | 0

#881406 - Monday 22 February 2010 6:51

u r a gay bastard had do u get a guy mixed up wit a girl

Reply

TheBreaKer_fml | 0

#881610 - Monday 22 February 2010 8:19

who the fuck is serinus?

Reply

shawno001 | 0

#881646 - Monday 22 February 2010 8:43

fosho

Reply

hershey098 | 0

#881720 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:18

#86 stop being a bitch!! go give ur dad a blow job u whore

Reply

I_am_that_guy | 0

#881775 - Monday 22 February 2010 9:39

Hershey that was uncalled for but it made me laugh so u are win

Reply

AngryNinja | 1

#881906 - Monday 22 February 2010 12:08

185, my dad's dead.. so thanks for that.

Reply

DllnBro | 0

#882284 - Monday 22 February 2010 16:03

u know what this means right? this means ur a flaming homo. congratulations... fag!

Reply

Shamzzz | 0

#882785 - Monday 22 February 2010 20:27

That guy spends too much time in a woman's hair salon. Probably the spa too.

Reply

supastarr | 0

#882827 - Monday 22 February 2010 20:43

congrats you are now gay, you had to come out of tha closet sumtime right?

Reply

jsusfreek927 | 0

#883933 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 3:10

you'll see. when Jesus comes to call all God's children home. every follower of Christ shall ascend and the ones that remain will suffer literal hell on earth. I hope you open your mind a little bit and realize how wrong you are.

Reply

neonblue120 | 6

#884922 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 10:16

lol there isn't one

Reply

nfsrocks | 0

#978612 - Monday 12 April 2010 6:20

first clue that u might be gay lol

Reply

turtles1321 | 0

#1050865 - Thursday 1 July 2010 6:41

is it more or are you umm fat? no offense just curious Maby it's way looking 

Reply

mystic_star | 0

#1156464 - Thursday 29 July 2010 11:20

how the hell do you mistake a guy for a girl?

Reply

randome101 | 12

#5920403 - Sunday 20 April 2014 15:10

You chose your name perfectly.

By WordsOfHope | 0

#879559 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:05

fail.

Reply

pepper3434 | 0

#879569 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:06

That's just disturbing on so many levels...

Reply

Horney4her69 | 0

#879629 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:14

gay

Reply

whitley1031 | 0

#879734 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:46

thats an FHL, why does he look like a hot girl?!? u dont deserve anything :P

Reply

eaglesfan365 | 0

#880164 - Sunday 21 February 2010 23:50

hahaha ur gay

Reply

aviorhyrax | 0

#881243 - Monday 22 February 2010 5:38

i agree... when i saw that my first reaction was... EW

Reply

trini_gal171 | 0

#2478769 - Sunday 8 May 2011 18:34

maybe he isn't straight.

By LemonMan | 0

#879563 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Ajjas013 | 6

#879591 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:08

*Kicks balls hard enough to cause a fabric in space*

*Stares at black hole where balls used to be*

Reply

PurpleSquirrel | 0

#879813 - Sunday 21 February 2010 21:12

religious much?

Reply

trizzieb | 0

#879838 - Sunday 21 February 2010 21:18

Another perdix win! I think this one may be one of his best ever!

By Loveya448 | 0

#879572 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:06

You're obviously attracted to him. Go bang him.

Number 1 wins.

Reply

pitbullmom | 0

#880105 - Sunday 21 February 2010 23:30

lol maybe you could check him out in the locker room........it's ok to experiment ;)

Reply

xx_kaelen_xx | 0

#880121 - Sunday 21 February 2010 23:36

bahahahaha I agree with #117.

By demon1k | 0

#879580 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:07

MMM look at her fat rippling and those CHEEKS crashing together like a symphony of cymbals... OH WAIT, ITS A GUY
...must kill self.

By blackcats31 | 0

#879581 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:07

could you not see anything through the spandex? =|

Reply

Ajjas013 | 6

#879607 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:10

Yeah, didn't you see his candies?

Reply

monsterchic72 | 5

#879661 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:23

lol

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#879690 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:32

It was through the back, lol, what bulging gender characterists appear on your back?

Reply

Ajjas013 | 6

#879696 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:34

I think boobies are on the back.

Reply

Ajjas013 | 6

#879965 - Sunday 21 February 2010 22:10

Pendatic, while you were out:

Balls rolled down the hill.

Reply

truthisRelative | 0

#881362 - Monday 22 February 2010 6:32

maybe his candies were positioned in such a way that he had camel toe.

By orangesodaftw | 0

#879582 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:07

haha ydi

By Tootsiee | 0

#879584 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:07

I'm guessing you didn't get her number? I mean his* :)

By GeekyPenguin | 0

#879585 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:07

"Dude looks liek a lady!"

Reply

fisheatsbear | 6

#879597 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:09

YES!!

Reply

Ajjas013 | 6

#879852 - Sunday 21 February 2010 21:24

That's what she said :)

Reply

Dont_Explain | 3

#880264 - Monday 22 February 2010 0:37

You ruined it, well done.

Reply

deadsrs | 0

#880417 - Monday 22 February 2010 1:23

That's what you said!

By oxaviero | 0

#879586 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:07

are you homosexual or something?

Reply

Tripout | 0

#879694 - Sunday 21 February 2010 20:33

I would say no just because he's complaining about it being a dude. if op was a homosexual he'd be complaining about it actually being a chick

Reply

truthisRelative | 0

#881370 - Monday 22 February 2010 6:33

touché