Work: Today, I tried to change my usually stoic behaviour and be friendly...

By Anonymous

Today, I tried to change my usually stoic behaviour and be friendly to a coworker. Now she is convinced that I finally went insane and intend to murder her. FML

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Work

This Charming Man

Caught red-handed

Check this out

By Al - United States

Today, while attempting a DIY pest removal, one of our tenants lit a skunk on fire. FML

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By AnRom - United States

Today, I spent five minutes trying to kill a spider with my mind. FML

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By drew - United States

Today, I was run over by my own car as I tried to push it out of a snowbank. FML

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By elevator-troubles - Australia

Today, I was in an elevator with my brother and a woman. He signs to me that she has a 'damn fine ass'. I chuckle and then shake my head. He shrugs. A second later the woman signs to us, 'Rick, don't you remember me?' Turns out she helped teach my brother sign language when he was six. FML

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By brad3720 - United States

Today, I was working as a manager of the local movie theater. This six year old came in with no parents or anyone else. When I asked him where his parents were he looked at me and said, "Shut up white boy, I don't have to listen to your shit." I just got told by a six year old. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, after a late night at a bar, I stepped into my building's elevator with a Chinese man who was carrying a plastic bag. Without thinking, I said, "Oooh, are you still delivering?" His response was, "I live here." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2020 22:56 - United States - Ashburn

Alexa, play "Isolation" by Joy Division

Today, I jokingly said to my coworker, "God, what I wouldn't do for a week off work." I was then tested positive for COVID fifteen minutes later. FML

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By ... - 14/4/2021 17:00

Who'd want that?

Today, I found out that a burglar broke into my house. Since I didn't have expensive stuff for them to steal, they took my Fleshlight. FML

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By Oddity_C - United States

Today, while at work, I was picking up paper in the bathroom. In one stall I saw what I thought was a wadded piece of the brown paper to dry your hands. It wasn't until I realized it was sticking to my bare hand that I realized it was feces. Human feces. FML

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By Sonic - United Kingdom

Today, my boss left a lovely invitation to her wedding on my desk. I plan on resigning during our meeting later today. FML

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By Starter656

Today, I'm the designated driver for a Christmas party I wasn't even invited to. Not only do I get to watch people have a good time, but I'm also supposed to not get involved in the party. FML

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By PeeLeg

Today, I finally got a tattoo of an alchemy symbol that I've wanted for years. I also found out later that symbol stands for urine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Treat your pets properly!

Today, I had an argument with my dad about how Alpo dog food is trash and is why his dog keeps having terrible farts and diarrhea. My dad refuses to believe me, so now I'm always scrubbing vile, smelly, mucous-laden dog diarrhea out of the carpet. I'm a pet nutritionist. FML

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By itwasmyfavoriteshirt - United States - Bentonville

Thanks, auntie

Today, my aunt borrowed my favorite shirt. Don't worry, she returned it. Complete with jizz stains. FML

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By StudMuffinette - United States

Today, I was at work when someone came in asking me to brush their pet shih tzu. After an hour of vigorously grooming through the multiple knots, I called the owner to collect their dog. When she got here she said, "Oh, did I say brush? I meant shave." FML

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By ohemmgeee - Australia

Today, I found out that my boyfriend purposely makes me cry because it makes him feel special. FML

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By cheese - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, I summoned the courage to talk to my friends about the money they owe me for my photography services at their wedding. We had agreed on a fair price, but now they're pissed, claiming that I'm being selfish and should consider it my wedding gift to them. FML

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By Crypticbeerbelly

Today, I was reading a recipe list on my tablet. I moved a little, and one of my fat rolls came into contact with a button which closed the tab. FML

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By bcoper - United States

Today, I was in pain due to overdoing it at the gym yesterday, so I thought a hot shower might help. Not only was there no hot water because of my sister's hour long showers, but I slipped getting out and hit my head. Now the pain is worse. FML

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By sneaky1324 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I woke up by inhaling a fly up my nose, and feeling it twitching and slowly dying inside my nasal cavity. FML

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By stargirl - Canada

Today, I was at a restaurant with my son when he started to choke on his food. Panicked, I grabbed the closest drink I could reach and made him gulp it down. Only when I received tons of dirty looks from people at other tables did I realize I had given him beer. My son is 8. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I was playing Mario Kart with my wife. I threw a blue shell and it hit her. She then refused to speak to me for three hours straight until right before bedtime when she called me a bastard and told me to sleep on the couch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was messing around with my boyfriend, trying to get him to tell me he loved me more than KISS, his favorite band. He couldn't do it. FML

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By blind eyes

Today, I went to get Lasik eye surgery. Beforehand, they give you an anxiety control pill because you're conscious during the operation. Guess who is immune to the pill and now has to get checked for anxiety disorders before rescheduling the surgery. FML

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By Falouila - France

Today, I picked up my computer which had been at the repair shop for two weeks. I quickly logged on to MSN to talk to the girl who I'd been hitting on for weeks. Her profile picture was a photo of herself with her new boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I spent a quarter of an hour trying to figure out why my car wouldn't unlock, then why my number plate had changed. FML

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By fat and broke - United States - Federal Way

Today, my cleavage got me out of a speeding ticket. That is, until the officer looked up long enough to realize I'm a guy. FML

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By failing - United States - Greenbelt

Today, my grandpa passed away. The only emotion my dad showed was anger, because my grandpa owed my dad money. Now he wants to take it from my grandma, like he's some sort of mobster. FML

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By iwillcutyou - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Charming

Today, as I was working in retail, this guy shoved me into the shelves for asking if he needed help with anything, screaming at me that I need to leave him alone. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep by my crazy ex-girlfriend, who apparently copied my key before our break up three months ago. She was on top of me, stroking my beard, whispering: “He looks like Jesus.” FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had nothing better to do than make a penis out of silly putty. FML

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By oouchh - United Kingdom

Today, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend I still love, and his new girlfriend, who he cheated on me with. Embarrassingly, she was wearing the same top as me. However hers was in size 6, unlike my 16. FML

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By ZombieGirl0417 - United States - Jupiter

Today, my aunt asked to see my new airsoft pistol. Not thinking anything of it, I handed it to her. She shot me in the leg. I was standing next to her. FML

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By failure - Australia - Sydney

Today, I overheard my son mutter to himself, "If Hitler could do it to that many people, so could I..." Anyone recommend a good psychiatrist? FML

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By Anon - United States - Omaha

Today, I proudly told my family I lost 15 pounds. My dad looked me up and down and said, "Well, you've got a looooong way to go." FML

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By Kurt's Dad

Today, during my grandmother's funeral, my talented ten-year-old son found the church organ and began playing Smells Like Teen Spirit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, completely excited, I told my mom about this guy from high school, that I had really liked and who had found me on Facebook. He said he regretted not asking me out in high school and offered to fly me out to visit him. Her response? "Has he seen what you look like now?" FML

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By Anonymous - Thailand - Bangkok

Today, my girlfriend, who I've loved and dated for over a year, confessed that she's actually straight as an arrow. All this time, she's basically been using me as an accessory to enhance her "social status" and make her guy friends horny. FML

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By WhatADickens

The early bird gets the worm!

Today, after working on my novel for two years, I found out that another book has recently been published with an almost identical plot. I was going to submit it to a publisher in two days. FML

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By blah! - United States - Newington

Today, my grandkids went around my house claiming items to inherit. FML

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Top comments

By mackdeezy | 21

#6614352 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 9:04

Taking "kill them with kindness" too literal, I see.

By UnicornWaffles | 23

#6614351 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 9:00

Borrow some scissors and knife from her. Possibly a stapler and paper shredder.

COMMENTS

By UnicornWaffles | 23

#6614351 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 9:00

Borrow some scissors and knife from her. Possibly a stapler and paper shredder.

Shade1982 | 20

#6614432 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 12:46

I see nothing wrong with this :P.

By mackdeezy | 21

#6614352 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 9:04

Taking "kill them with kindness" too literal, I see.

By TigranPet | 24

#6614356 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 9:22

I guess there is such thing as too much kindness.

By SecundusSecunda | 27

#6614358 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 9:33

Your cover is blown, OP
She sees through your lies!

By sunflower_seal | 17

#6614361 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 9:44

Don't take it personally. If you're happy be you and if she can't handle that it's her problem.

By PinkNikki | 14

#6614374 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 10:51

Can we say "Taking it overboard??'

By Moskaaa7 | 26

#6614384 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 11:29

Now, who's insane for assuming that?

By ssnow_fml | 20

#6614418 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 12:18

See, being nice gets you nowhere.

By be82tw | 17

#6614490 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 14:59

Sorry, OP, But OOC is serious business.

pandalover69 | 26

#6614824 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 22:49

What??

By DrummerWS | 23

#6614582 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:20

I know those feels ?
Stick with the resting bitch face, it's easier!