Love: Today, I told my friends I was kissed by a girl. They said "Yeah,...

By Forever alone - United States - Lincoln

Today, I told my friends I was kissed by a girl. They said "Yeah, probably by your mom." The sad thing is, they were right. FML

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26640

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Love

Serious times

Dangling modifier

Can they do that?

By Anonymous - 11/3/2020 15:01

Deez nutz hurtz

Today, I was about to have sex with my wife, so I walked into our room naked, but then whacked myself in the nuts with the door handle as I attempted to close it. She can't stop laughing, and I can't sit down. FML

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1821

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452

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By maconda99 - United States

Today, I was ringing up a lady and her daughter at the shoe store I work at. The background on my nametag is a rainbow, and when the daughter saw it, she asked her mother why it was so. Her mother looks at my nametag, then me, then turns to her daughter and says "Because he hates God honey". FML

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71834

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5155

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By bad date - United States - Bennet

Today, my date made me pay him for picking me up, and taking me back home. FML

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30241

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3705

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By placard3

Cruel Summer

Today, I went to the hospital to get a cast that I have been wearing for the past three months removed from my wrist. Thanks to said cast, I couldn't have any summer fun at all. The doctor took a final X-ray and said, "Well look at that, your wrist wasn't fractured to begin with." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1846

You deserved it

135

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By Amanda

Today, my daughter has been using the "supertaster" excuse to not eat my cooking. To prove to her that she isn't one, I blindfolded her and gave her a bowl of jelly beans, then asked her to plug her nose and identify the flavors. She got every single one correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1788

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By Ima_Moronski - United States

Today, I went shopping with my grandma. She went to the bathroom and was gone for a long while. I jokingly asked, "What happened, you fall in?" She did. She had shit all over the back of her shirt. FML

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39323

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7081

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By Anonymous - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Today, a colleague told me he was pretending to be me on a dating site, and that he has four pending dates. Last time I tried being myself, my first and only date pushed me down some stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22838

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1669

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came across some bubble wrap. Turned out it was a special type of bubble wrap that cannot be popped. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53679

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4896

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By Anonymous - Canada - Prince George

Today, it's been 2 days since my boyfriend "accidentally" slipped into the wrong hole while continuing to hammer me at full speed. I still can't poop or even walk right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36486

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5003

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By vicious circle - Sint Maarten (Dutch part)

Today, I called the HR department of a big company, inquiring about a vacancy for a website designer. Boy, do they need one; there are dead links, malware warnings, and a layout from the '90s, but no info at all about recruitment. The lady just angrily referred me to the website and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21506

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1670

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By Almostlovedchild

Today, my father made a post on Facebook with an old baby picture, saying how proud he was that I got into college. This would have been sweet if the baby picture was actually of me. FML

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6899

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561

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By wot02 - United States

Today, my long distance boyfriend got angry because I like touching myself while we sext. It "distracts" me from him. I'm sorry you turn me on. FML

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30168

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3266

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By Anonymous - United States - Augusta

Today, and recently, many of my friends have been acting strangely. My birthday is coming up soon, so I thought maybe they were planning a surprise party. Nope. Turns out they've just been secretly hanging out without me. FML

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22365

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By arctic1 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend were heading back to her place. On the way there, she was rubbing and stroking me. When we got there, I asked her mom for a congrats hug. I forgot I had a hard on from my girlfriend. She felt it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20262

You deserved it

68409

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By Unreasonable - 23/3/2020 14:00 - United Kingdom - Bath

Bridezilla vs. the Coronavirus

Today, I received a threatening DM from my so-called best friend, telling me that she wouldn't be calling off her wedding next week, despite everyone telling her to postpone due for health and safety reasons, and would claw my eyes out if I stayed in quarantine with my sick mum instead of coming. FML

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2150

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138

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 11:02

Conspiracies claim another victim

Today, after learning that "phones are tracking you" and that "Google is spying on you" from some shady website, my son destroyed all our phones and computers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

846

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159

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By Anonymous - United States - Lebanon

Today, I found out that I am allergic to one of the preservatives that they put in aloe. I found this out after I put some on a severe sunburn I have. Not only am I sunburned, but now I am severely itchy as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48943

You deserved it

4164

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By Crap - United States - Seminole

Today, I had horrible diarrhea at work. When I felt the bubbling, I ran to the bathroom. An agonizing bowel movement later, I realized that there was no toilet paper in the stall. Just as I was about to ask a coworker who was in the bathroom for some, the fire alarm went off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29062

You deserved it

1693

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By karebear - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months said he wasn't going to break up with me, he was just going to stop touching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33573

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4622

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By bridetobe - United States

Today, I am sitting at home, alone, playing video games. My wedding is tomorrow afternoon. None of my bridesmaids wanted to hang out tonight. FML

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51499

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4820

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By KitCatAttack - 11/10/2020 10:06

Hit and miss

Today, I told my close friend that I have a thing for him. His reaction? "Oh, fuck." FML

I agree, your life sucks

945

You deserved it

136

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2020 23:00

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Today, I tried to make breakfast. I had everything cooking on the stove when I reached to turn on the faucet, only to find out that the head of the faucet was up the sleeve of my robe. After drying off, I went to serve my boyfriend his plate, but when I returned, the stove had caught fire. FML

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1308

You deserved it

503

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By MissIsabel - France

Today, I went to Ikea with my family. I was wearing a yellow polo that vaguely looked like the ones the Ikea employees were wearing. Two dozen people came up to me, complaining that I was staring at furniture instead of helping customers. FML

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29043

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By Anonymous - United States - Charleston

Today, I guess my son's balls dropped. I've caught him humping his sister's Selena Gomez posters several times today. For god's sake. FML

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21563

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 10:58

Big boss man

Today, I have a doctor’s note confirming that I'm high risk for Covid and should only work from home. My boss still demands I come to the office, even though the only person I meet there is the guy who sterilizes the door handles. FML

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775

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205

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 8 year-old niece and I were arguing over how many letters were in the alphabet. Guess who was right. FML

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8011

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By fuckerman - Canada

Today, my grandpa told me he can still get aroused even though he is 84. Im 32 and have erectile dysfunction. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65477

You deserved it

4351

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By HtotheFtotheS - United Kingdom - Wisbech

Today, I used an air freshener in my room to make it smell good. At first, the smell was pretty pleasant. However, by the time it'd "soaked in" it smelled just like weed. My whole room stinks of it, and now my mum is convinced I've been smoking pot in my room. FML

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28052

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3793

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I entered a raffle at a local fashion designer event; the prize was $400 credit at the store that was hosting it (which was just enough for one of their dresses). Good news: I won! Bad news: they don't carry a single thing above a women's size 5. I'm 6'2" and 180 lbs. FML

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13613

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1387

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By I care too much

Today, I learned that the windows in my flat will be removed and then replaced with new ones. This would be very good, if it wasn't for the ongoing removal of the asbestos insulation in the very same flat. I guess the administration will pay less for scaffolding this way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1487

You deserved it

110

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By Just keep the pins - Sweden - Floda

Today, it's been 2 months since I broke up with my boyfriend. He's been texting me every time he found a bobby pin at his house that belonged to me, saying we should both see it as a sign of us belonging together. If he keeps this up every time he finds one, the texts will probably never stop. FML

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7987

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By michellemoyah - United States

Today, I went to a dance with the boy I like. To my delight, he tried to pick me up. To my dismay, he couldn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30276

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By swee t - United States - Greensboro

Today, I got a bill from my former attorney for the call he made to me begging me not to turn him in for stealing all my money and almost causing me lose my home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15446

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1028

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By Ashlee - United States

Today, while on a date with my boyfriend, he broke up with me. The reason why? Because I took a dump in his bathroom and "that's inappropriate for girls." FML

I agree, your life sucks

41343

You deserved it

7783

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By NoFriends - Australia

Today, I found out that my friends from high school have yearly meet-ups to catch up and talk about what they've done since school. They've done this for 3 years. I havent even been invited once. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9219

You deserved it

864

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By girl - United States

Today, in dance class we did a choreography where we wear two shirts and take one off in one quick motion. After I took mine off, the audience goes "aaah". Then I realize that I had taken both my shirts off as stood there with only my bra on. I was being videotaped. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33204

You deserved it

6415

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my soon to be ex-husband is going to be a father. We spent our entire marriage unsuccessfully trying for a baby. The mother of his unborn child isn't his new girlfriend, but someone else he was cheating on her with. Our divorce isn't even finalized yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39167

You deserved it

3227

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By fishyrael

What he is thinking?

Today, I was on a long road trip and I really had to pee. With no rest stop for miles and night having fallen, I decided to pull over on the side of the highway and pee in a fast food cup. A cop knocked on the window to see if everything was okay, while I was mid-squat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1733

You deserved it

268

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By ItWasOurAnniversary - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I wanted to kayak. On the way, I told him I had to go back to our hotel because I needed the bathroom and didn't want a public one to smell. Once back in the elevator at the hotel, it got stuck. For an hour. I pooped myself and had to wait 40 minutes after that for help. FML

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12303

You deserved it

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By LonelyCashier

Today, an old woman came into my store for help. Towards the end, she asked me my name. I told her while pointing at my name tag. She then replied, "Oh! I didn't notice since I was staring at your boobs. Much prettier to look at." Sadly, this is the first time I've been hit on in months. FML

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1903

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Top comments

By MrConcise | 34

#6279132 - Saturday 2 May 2015 0:22

Why would you even fucking brag about that?

By Roythetickler | 21

#6279127 - Saturday 2 May 2015 0:21

Why say you kissed a girl when it was your money?

COMMENTS

By Welshite | 39

#6279126 - Saturday 2 May 2015 0:21

Still counts.

feven | 32

#6279241 - Saturday 2 May 2015 3:27

Welshite is human too.

AlwaysWatching | 27

#6279708 - Saturday 2 May 2015 18:42

I've seen my fair share of negative Welshite comments. Nobody is a comment-genius every time.

By Roythetickler | 21

#6279127 - Saturday 2 May 2015 0:21

Why say you kissed a girl when it was your money?

MrsHaxxo | 22

#6279139 - Saturday 2 May 2015 0:25

money?

tzemmy | 25

#6279150 - Saturday 2 May 2015 0:33

I think he meant mommy

Jason89 | 14

#6279281 - Saturday 2 May 2015 4:57

i wished i was kissed by money, except i kiss it goodbye

SadLittleTurtle | 11

#6279297 - Saturday 2 May 2015 5:59

At least you have money to kiss goodbye.

be82tw | 17

#6279310 - Saturday 2 May 2015 6:23

@2,9, 14, Autocorrect can be a real birch.

muarif | 19

#6279512 - Saturday 2 May 2015 13:03

Birch, yep xD

By guinea_pigs | 9

#6279130 - Saturday 2 May 2015 0:22

Hopefully on the cheek? No worries, OP! You'll find your love someday!

By MrConcise | 34

#6279132 - Saturday 2 May 2015 0:22

Why would you even fucking brag about that?

TheBelt | 19

#6279220 - Saturday 2 May 2015 2:19

Probably his first kiss.

clemscott | 10

#6279232 - Saturday 2 May 2015 3:07

Your picture fits your comment perfectly

meganmax | 14

#6279279 - Saturday 2 May 2015 4:51

they cray cray?

Wabbajack789 | 15

#6280051 - Sunday 3 May 2015 1:54

No 42, just no.

By archnarquibquib | 21

#6279133 - Saturday 2 May 2015 0:22

You should have told them "No, it was my grandma!"

By boberle83 | 10

#6279136 - Saturday 2 May 2015 0:24

How did this get past moderation

By feven | 32

#6279140 - Saturday 2 May 2015 0:27

Yeah.. You definitely had that coming

By feven | 32

#6279142 - Saturday 2 May 2015 0:29

To be fair we don't know OP's age

By abNormal62 | 23

#6279145 - Saturday 2 May 2015 0:31

Absolutely

By abNormal62 | 23

#6279147 - Saturday 2 May 2015 0:32

Anyone else placing this guy's age as under 15?

Vestin | 18

#6279167 - Saturday 2 May 2015 0:43

#13: 30 seems more amusing to assume...