Today, I spent forty minutes trying to break into my own house...

By Jason - United States

Today, I spent forty minutes trying to break into my own house after being locked out. After finally getting in through a small unlocked window, I discovered my keys in my pants pocket. FML

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9702

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

"Based on your purchase history…"

Welcome back!

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southwold

Today, my parents heard from my sister that I'd recently lost my virginity to my girlfriend. I've never been bitched out so viciously in my life, and yet my sister, whom everyone knows has had numerous casual sexual partners this year, is treated like a princess 24/7. FML

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31282

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By elliekilroy - United Kingdom

Today, I picked up my friend's new kitten so enthusiastically I scared it and it shat all over me. I literally scared the shit out of it. FML

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15130

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2020 02:00

Looks aren't everything

Today, I was watching "My 600-lb Life". Most of the people on the show are married or in relationships. I cant even find a relationship. FML

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1185

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272

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By CheapFamily - United States

Today, I graduated from Basic Training. I was really looking forward to seeing my family after being away for almost three months. They decided not to come to graduation because they didn't want to spend the money to travel here. They live 30 minutes away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56368

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By Samantha Glennie

Today, due to the high pollen count and despite taking hay fever medicine, I passed out in the bathroom from not being able to breathe. My mother accused me of doing it on purpose to make her late for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3581

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217

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By Sadness - United States - Atlanta

Today, I have been home sick and depressed for so long that I just found Oreo crumbs in my belly button. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38708

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17469

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By Sarraahh - 19/4/2020 05:00 - Canada

Mystery

Today, my 65-year-old grandmother called and asked me to tell my boyfriend that she was flattered, but she's happily married. I have no idea what she was talking about and my boyfriend refuses to talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1888

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130

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By SeriouslyMakeItStop - United States - Waco

Today, three days before I take my bar exam, the biggest exam of my life, I got my monthly. And I get to bring my belongings in a clear plastic bag so the world knows. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47206

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8999

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By 404: fuck not given - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I started to get horny while watching TV with my husband. I tried turning him on by telling him I wanted his cock. He cheerfully replied without looking away from the TV, "If only I gave a fuck, babe, if only I gave a fuck!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

44845

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5548

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By horp - United States - Torrington

Today, I was having lunch and I started throwing crumbs at my friend at the other table. Then I accidentally hit the kid next to him. He got really mad and came over and hit me in the shoulder with a brick. A brick. He just had a brick in his bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26593

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By notmansbestfriend - United States - Williamsburg

Today, I was stuck on the toilet for hours after eating some questionable seafood. During this time, I watched through the open door as my dog destroyed the nice shoes I just bought, as well as the tux I rented for my sister's wedding. The wedding is in 12 hours. FML

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47132

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I gave a beautiful book of baby names to a friend of mine who's been trying to get pregnant for a while. She just burst into tears when she saw it. Just before meeting me, she'd found out she was sterile. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58166

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7227

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By picklebug - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I was taken to the hospital after I fell down the stairs. The physician who saw me bit his lip and said he would have to amputate my foot, and I fainted in terror. One of the nurses later told me to "learn to take a damn joke." FML

I agree, your life sucks

53039

You deserved it

10110

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By tkoester - United States - Fairfield

Today, I got a phone call letting me know my grandmother was arrested for trying to light my grandpa on fire. She's now in jail, asking for bail money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25872

You deserved it

1550

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By Anonymous - France - Paris

Minor Threat

Today, after a big argument, my girlfriend looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I can go the rest of my life without sex, you know." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52231

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13230

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By Rodrigeuz26 - United States

Today, I was sitting in IHOP with my girlfriend of six months when she brought in her son of three years she had neglected to tell me about, and asked 'Does this change things?' FML

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37154

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4461

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By Gary

Today, after countless failed rejections and derision from women, I've realized that the only time I experience any sort of happiness is when I'm eating. They say there's someone out there for all of us, but maybe that's not true. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1540

You deserved it

240

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By TotallyDoneDating

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of 2 years lost her virginity on a cruise last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5742

You deserved it

711

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By Kimberpoo - United States - San Diego

Today, I discovered the "may have a laxative effect" warning on my sugar-free jelly beans should actually read "don't fart after consuming". FML

I agree, your life sucks

32785

You deserved it

5633

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By Wellthissucks

Today, I found out that my long-distance boyfriend just got married because his "real" girlfriend is pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4065

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441

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By asdfghjkl - United States

Today, I saw Saw IV with my boyfriend. He held me close and said, "I'll protect you." A few seconds later, he jumped up so violently, he gave me a bloody nose, and ran screaming out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35214

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By Stigmamma - 15/8/2020 20:02

Fragile

Today, my husband said he felt "dizzy from blood loss" after his nose started "pissing blood." After I said the tiny drop of blood from his split second nose bleed wouldn't cause dizziness, he got mad at me for "attacking his masculinity." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1361

You deserved it

187

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By rainyday - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. I said that at least I was always there for him when he needed me. He said "When did I need you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36931

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6284

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By Rayvyn - United States

Today, I started feeling sick to my stomach. I tried to soothe it with some Ramen, which helped for a while. Later on, I felt worse and threw up the soup. Noodles came out of my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37773

You deserved it

7340

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By effingawwesome - United States

Today, I was surfing and trying to impress some girls on the beach. While I was out in the water, a jellyfish wrapped itself around my torso. I started to yell and freak out, making a huge scene. I grabbed it off of me, only to realize that I was freaking out over a plastic grocery bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19562

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By Upset - United States - Santa Clara

Today, after finding out that my professor likes to talk trash about, and constantly belittle, Muslims in every American History class he teaches, I submitted an essay about Muslim contributions to humanity. He held me back after class and asked why I gave him such filth. I'm a Muslim. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31268

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5017

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By whatjusthappened - United States - Norman

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend, because he's too manipulative. By the time our chat ended, instead of being single, I'm somehow now committed to going on vacation with him and his family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49734

You deserved it

15994

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By jogginglikeitsmyjob - United States - Boston

Today, I had trouble carrying a box upstairs because my arms were sore from working out. My mom asked me, "Why are you working out so much then?" I didn't have the heart to tell her it was because of her 100-pound weight gain and that I didn't want to end up looking like her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44975

You deserved it

7005

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got fired from a large oil and energy service company after 5 and 1/2 months. The interview process to land the job took 8 months. My interview process was longer than my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40760

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4254

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By ohEw - United States - Pasadena

Today, while doing my laundry, I found a very clean but presumably used ribbed condom in my freshly washed and dried sheets. It was not mine. FML

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3890

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242

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By anonymous - United States - Hampton

Today, at a friendly get-together, my friend's husband had too much to drink and got into a fistfight with my husband. I'm seven-and-a-half months pregnant, and the friendly get-together was my baby shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33960

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3186

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By Username

Today, after we'd let an author rent out our cabin, we read in the book of poems he wrote while staying that he'd described how he enjoyed sitting on our table naked. The same table we often eat off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32307

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5129

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By Ace - Canada - Toronto

Today, my brother tried to give my dog a walk by attaching an RC helicopter to the leash and following him while flying it. He broke the RC helicopter which cost 300 dollars, and we had to search for the dog for 3 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45108

You deserved it

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By maxthndr - United States

Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks

323346

You deserved it

38761

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By Disturbed - United States

Today, I just found out that my brother in law and his wife frequent a swingers establishment that me and the wife have visited. Which is OK I suppose (providing we never see each other there) but he told me his parents go there too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28130

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Fairfield

Today, I was driving around with a few friends when one of them suggested we go in to an insurance company's office and sing their jingle. I'm an awful singer, so I was planning on lip syncing. Everyone else had the same idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13079

You deserved it

38081

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By offended - United States - East Hampton

Today, I was out to coffee with an extremely attractive friend. A crazy man came up to the window we were facing. He took one look at her, then turned to me with a big, congratulatory smile, flashing me a thumbs-up. Then he turned to her, frowned disappointedly and gave a thumbs-down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27434

You deserved it

2416

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. After hundreds passive aggressive comments, my boyfriend and I went into the kitchen. I started complaining to him about how his parents were horrible and mean. Little did I know, his parents had followed us in and were right behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16310

You deserved it

48466

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By notyourcleaner - Malaysia - Puchong

Today, my new roommate puked into the sink and all over the bathroom floor, before passing out on her bed. Apparently, she was awake enough to wash her own face but not clean up her vomit. We share the bathroom. This is the second time already. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31982

You deserved it

2666

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By Anonymous - United States - Peoria

Today, my mom asked my siblings and me for help cleaning the kitchen. After working for a half hour while all my siblings sat on the couch, I pointed out that I was the only one working. My mom thanked my siblings for not having attitudes like mine and sent me to my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38280

You deserved it

3184

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Top comments

By sarahalyssa_fml | 0

#1231981 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:31

epic fail

By Allaineyyy | 0

#1232064 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:41

Ydi for not checking thoroughly.

COMMENTS

By iceicebaby24 | 0

#1231962 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:29

radatthis01, meant to say FAG to fake.:)

By sarahalyssa_fml | 0

#1231981 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:31

epic fail

drakeforever | 0

#1233561 - Friday 13 August 2010 8:26

agreed(:

By Beaker318 | 11

#1231984 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:31

happens to me all the time..

ScenicSubterfuge | 39

#5469220 - Sunday 28 April 2013 18:23

Haha same>.

By Beaker318 | 11

#1231986 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:31

happens to me all the time..

By DAN7IEL | 2

#1231993 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:32

sounds like something my mom would do

By theFMLwhore5 | 0

#1232009 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:33

I think everyone has done this atleast once in their life..

By hoho501 | 0

#1232011 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:33

well that's dumb of u :p

By samantha987 | 0

#1232044 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:38

awww man bummer

By Allaineyyy | 0

#1232064 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:41

Ydi for not checking thoroughly.

By TNB_xACiDiC | 0

#1232077 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:42

that was soooo bad of a fail, it was almost a win -_- haha