Today, I spent forty minutes trying to break into my own house...

By Jason - 12/8/2010 20:33 - United States

Today, I spent forty minutes trying to break into my own house after being locked out. After finally getting in through a small unlocked window, I discovered my keys in my pants pocket. FML

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Miscellaneous

Rock, hard place

Whatthefuckaburger

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

By lunchbox2353 - 30/7/2019 02:00 - United States

Today, for 20 minutes, I watched my girlfriend use a mini flashlight to look for her keys in her purse. The flashlight was on her key chain. As were her keys. FML

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By um...no? i don't think so anyway - 15/12/2013 19:16 - United States - Warren

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the girl I like how I feel. She instantly burst out laughing and said "A crush? Dude, what are you, 12?! Hahaha!" FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2014 17:32 - Japan - Yokohama

Today, I went to the hospital due to vomiting and abdominal pain, and they decided to fit me with an IV drip. It took several tries by two different people to get the cannula in. I feel like a human pin-cushion. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2015 17:07 - United States - Richmond

Today, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to one another. He then did a naked victory lap around his dad's house, blasting Akon's "I Just Had Sex" at full volume. He's legally an adult. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2014 22:20 - United States - Barnhart

Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML

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By 123roomielover - 26/1/2011 17:40 - United States

Today, I woke up to my new roommate staring at me, just a few inches from my face. She then told me how easy I would be to kill in my sleep. Then she stood up, naked from head to toe. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 06:32 - Canada

Today, I went to my husband's work to give him lunch. His assistant told me his "wife" was in his office. FML

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By MegahnDN - 11/6/2010 14:33 - United States

Today, my kitten decided that having diarrhea was not a good enough reason to stop running in circles around my living room. FML

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By amy1023 - 26/11/2009 10:18 - United States

Today, I complained to my boyfriend that I was stressed out. He asked me then "What do you have to be stressed out about?" I work 50 hours a week and go to school full time. I ask him what was stressful about his day, he told me that his "kill/death ratio went down on Call of Duty". FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2011 15:30 - United States

Today, I finally found a reason to quit smoking. I threw my cigarette butt out the window and it blew back in, went down the back of my pants, and burnt my butt in 3 different places. FML

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By Twinner - 20/10/2009 19:03 - Canada

Today, I learned that being a twin really isn't that cool. After laughing at my twin brother for getting a speeding ticket he turns to me and says "It's not mine." Confused, I look at the ticket and see my name. He used my license. FML

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By clutzymama - 10/7/2015 04:27 - Canada - Woodbridge

Today, my 4-year-old daughter slipped on ceramic tile and I had to take her to the ER for 5 stitches to her chin. When we got home, I promptly split her chin open again as I over enthusiastically re-enacted how she fell to my husband and accidentally clocked her square in the chin. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2015 02:04 - United States - Lees Summit

Today, I sent the girl I like flowers, only to have her later post a picture of them online, saying, "ha when losers send you flowers". FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2016 07:45

Today, my boyfriend called me into the bathroom and proudly showed me how far back he could stand from the toilet while he peed. Unfortunately, he got distracted and peed all over the floor I had mopped just an hour before. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2015 00:40 - United States - Portland

Today, I came home to my mentally unhinged roommate jacking off to a frozen TV frame of Peggy Hill from King of the Hill. When he saw me, he threw an ash tray at me and told me to get out. FML

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By violentdreamer - 4/8/2020 08:01

I have to do is dream

Today, when sleeping next to my girlfriend, I had a nightmare that she was yelling incessantly at me, making my "dream self" more and more upset. Just as my dream-frustration peaked and I began waking up from the nightmare, I accidentally hit her in the arm and face. Now she won't talk to me. FML

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By alliobamy - 28/9/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, I found an old friend of mine on Facebook. After adding her, I suggested friends for her. She ended up adding every single one I added, but not me. I later saw her ask one of those friends who the hell I was and how I knew all of them. We used to eat lunch together everyday. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2011 15:15 - United States

Today, I started my community service at the dog pound. I like animals so I thought it would be a good place to do it. As I arrived they were throwing dogs that had been euthanized into a dump truck to be taken to a landfill. That was my job for the day. FML

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By anonymous - 13/2/2012 11:32 - United States

Today, I cracked a rib coughing. FML

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By poorgirl - 17/5/2016 13:03 - United States

Today, I was reminded what poverty is like when I had to choose between buying food and buying pads. Now, I have to take constant bathroom breaks and wipe off my pad. I don't get paid until after my period ends. FML

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By SadFace - 7/3/2010 18:54 - United States

Today, my looks alone made a girl cry. FML

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By bluesox4 - 6/2/2012 05:50 - United States

Today, I found out that the only thing worse than a psycho, overbearing, controlling girlfriend is a psycho, overbearing and controlling ex-girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2013 16:48 - Norway

Today, I decided to end things with my boyfriend, thinking it would be fine since things have never been at all serious between us. He cried for hours before having his grandmother text me to say how heartless I am. FML

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By cathouse - 26/3/2011 19:27 - United Kingdom

Today, my family came back from holiday to discover that my little sister had messed with the cat flap before we left. Several stray cats were able to come in, but were unable to get out, and left shit in various areas around the house. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2011 19:21 - United States

Today, my dad told me he has money set aside for when he has to bail me out of jail because "it's bound to happen sooner or later." FML

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By whatproject - 24/9/2009 09:50 - United States

Today, I was offered to attend a Buddhist ceremony by one of my regular customers. Not wanting to offend the couple, I made an excuse about have a project for oceanography. Surprise, the husband is an oceanographer and wants to help me with my imaginary project. Karma much? FML

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By M.SHUKRI - 29/3/2015 12:54 - United States - Round Lake

Today, I was sitting in my bedroom relaxing when I heard my little sister and my brother. Thinking it was cute they were talking again, I was listening. They were not just "talking", they were making plans on how to kill me. FML

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By brokebackanus - 18/12/2015 14:15 - United States - Detroit

Today, while jailbreaking my dad's phone, I found out the hard way that it's jam-packed full of my mom's nudes. FML

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By badadvise - 23/3/2012 04:05 - Mexico - Guadalajara

Today, I found out my marriage counselor is currently going through her second divorce. FML

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By talkssuck - 30/3/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I was hooking up with my girlfriend when her dad knocked on the clear door that leads to the room. About 5 minutes later both of her parents came in to give us the "talk" which included the first time her parents did it. In detail. FML

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By justine - 13/12/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, I went to see a play. I'm pregnant, so I always need to pee. At intermission, I ran to use the bathroom, but there was a really long line. I asked the woman in front of me if I could pass her. She responded, "You don't look pregnant!", and lectured me about lying while I peed my pants. FML

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By jeezy - 23/2/2009 10:35 - Canada

Today, I was working my shift and my ex girlfriend came in to apply for a job. She broke up with me for another guy so i can't stand being in the same room as her. The manager talked to her and decided to hire her on the spot. I need to train her. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2016 12:36 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I had a horrible case of the flu. I have a fever of 102 degrees and I can't breathe through my nose. Choosing to sleep it off turns out to be enough for my mom to call me a lazy fuck and scream at me for doing nothing all day. FML

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By assoutofuandme - 14/2/2013 07:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while riding the train home, I noticed a man who kept looking at me. Annoyed, I told him to be less obvious and to stop staring. He promptly responded, "Bitch, I'm gay, and even I can tell no one would want to look at you." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 08:45 - Canada

Today, my best friend was fired from the place we both work at because she's a bad employee. After they fired her she said, "If I go, I'm taking my best friend with me." So they fired me too. I actually liked that job. FML

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By gingerwhinger - 5/8/2015 23:24 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, an older lady approached me at work and stroked my hair, telling me it was 'beautiful'. This isn't unusual, I'm a natural redhead and octogenarians especially seem to love the colour. However, the unusual part was the glob of snot she left in my hair from her unwashed hands. FML

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By phonnah - 20/6/2012 17:59 - United States - Bowie

Today, my friend told me she was going to start drinking gatorade, so she could get the body shape of the athletes on TV. When I tried to explain to her that she'd also need to work out to achieve this, she went nuts and hurled the bottle at my face. FML

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By strayy - 30/9/2015 06:47 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my mother told me I should volunteer in Africa, because I might "get lucky, catch malaria and come back skinny". FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2012 06:25 - United States - Bedford

Today, my neighbors got a motion sensor light that points at my window. It's so sensitive that it goes off every time an insect flies past. FML

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By Someone - 16/4/2014 00:20 - Canada - Windsor

Today, our family went to a water park. The park's mascot came up to greet us, and my daughter got scared. She then refused to go inside, so we had no choice but to leave. FML

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Top comments

By sarahalyssa_fml | 0

#1231981 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:31

epic fail

By Allaineyyy | 0

#1232064 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:41

Ydi for not checking thoroughly.

COMMENTS

By iceicebaby24 | 0

#1231962 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:29

radatthis01, meant to say FAG to fake.:)

By sarahalyssa_fml | 0

#1231981 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:31

epic fail

drakeforever | 0

#1233561 - Friday 13 August 2010 8:26

agreed(:

By Beaker318 | 11

#1231984 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:31

happens to me all the time..

ScenicSubterfuge | 39

#5469220 - Sunday 28 April 2013 18:23

Haha same>.

By Beaker318 | 11

#1231986 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:31

happens to me all the time..

By DAN7IEL | 2

#1231993 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:32

sounds like something my mom would do

By theFMLwhore5 | 0

#1232009 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:33

I think everyone has done this atleast once in their life..

By hoho501 | 0

#1232011 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:33

well that's dumb of u :p

By samantha987 | 0

#1232044 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:38

awww man bummer

By Allaineyyy | 0

#1232064 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:41

Ydi for not checking thoroughly.

By TNB_xACiDiC | 0

#1232077 - Friday 13 August 2010 0:42

that was soooo bad of a fail, it was almost a win -_- haha