Today, I spent five hours in the back seat of a car with two...

By Anonymous - 23/8/2019 00:01

Today, I spent five hours in the back seat of a car with two dogs. Both had been sprayed by a skunk earlier in the day. One had a gas problem. FML

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Understandable

Dad jokes, part 43884

Age ain't nothing but a number

By Flipside - 2/5/2009 00:46 - United States

Today, as I was driving home, I saw a woman get hit by a car. I immediately parked on the side of the road to assist her. I called an ambulance and stayed with her until they came to get her, comforting her all the while. When I returned to my car, I found a parking ticket in my windshield. FML

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By maddieex - 4/12/2014 02:49 - United States - Chicago

Today, my boyfriend brought me to a restaurant on a surprise date. I guess he didn't know that my ex-boyfriend now works there, and that he would be our waiter for the evening. FML

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By gross - 2/5/2015 18:39 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I changed my toothbrush because the bristles were wearing down. My brother later asked me why I changed his toothbrush. Apparently we've been sharing the same one for the past several weeks. FML

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By wispywee - 29/6/2011 17:47 - Canada

Today, I had the most exciting dream of my life. I was dreaming about catching a shiny charmander. I'm 15, and instead of dreaming of girls, I'm dreaming of Pokémon. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2010 00:09 - United States

Today, formal portraits of my entire class were posted online, with about five photos per person. As my mom was looking at them, she was commenting about how pretty all my classmates look. When she got to my photos, all she had to say was "ugh". FML

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By fffmmll - 21/3/2011 16:58 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML

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By ChelseaRae - 6/7/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I was flipping through a magazine and saw an ad that had the line "No corn, no wheat, no soy", all of which I'm severely allergic to. I got so excited at the prospect of having a food I could eat, I fell out of my chair. I then realized it was an ad for dog food. FML

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By anonymous - 23/12/2014 11:28 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I was yelled at in public for staring at a guy in a wheelchair. I was staring 'cause he was so good looking. FML

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By Albert06 - 14/3/2011 21:26 - France

Today, I showed my colleagues how I could switch on my webcam at home from the office. That's how we all found out my wife is cheating on me. FML

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By TooShortToCleanThat - 20/3/2015 03:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to show off one of his favorite skills: Peeing on my ceiling. FML

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By righthook - 8/4/2015 19:56 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He was about to make me come so I lifted my arm above my head with pleasure. I accidently punched him in the eye, hard enough that he had to stop for a while because he said he felt dizzy. FML

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By joeshmoe - 15/1/2012 12:52 - United States

Today, my girlfriend hummed the Jeopardy theme while I was trying to undo her bra. FML

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By achtung - 1/2/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I had to use my friend's toilet. His pretty cute sister was in the kitchen adjoining the bathroom, so I smiled and said hi on my way through. I then had the loudest and most vile-sounding shit of my life. FML

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By DQB - 24/5/2009 02:17 - Canada

Today, I pulled up to a stoplight and blew past the car beside me to merge into one lane. About 30 seconds later, I ran out of gas right in front of them. We were on a bridge, and I had to push my car all the way across. FML

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By Desiree_lianne - 26/3/2016 21:02 - United States

Today, my fiance said his cat is going to be my maid of honor at our wedding. FML

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By LegInPieces - 17/10/2013 16:34 - United States - Redmond

Today, I spent an excruciating hour walking to campus with a broken leg, only to find my professor had left a note on the door saying class was canceled. FML

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By aninnocentonlooker - 4/12/2011 05:35 - United States

Today, I was driving my drunk best friend and his "new friend" back to his house. Halfway, this new friend started to give him head. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2014 14:28 - Germany - Berlin

Today, I thought I felt my cellphone vibrating. Turned out it was just my girlfriend letting out a vicious fart against my leg. FML

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By Bruja5 - 7/2/2010 05:15 - United States

Today, I thought about my boyfriend and all the things we used to do together years ago. Today, I also spent the day doing my now husband's laundry and watching him sit on the couch with his hand inside his underwear. FML

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By lashless - 22/5/2010 20:32 - United States

Today, while getting ready for a friend's wedding, I was curling my eyelashes. My cat decided to jump onto the towel rod. As I went to catch her, I ripped all the eyelashes out of one eye. I called my boyfriend crying. When he saw me, he laughed and said, "You look really surprised in that eye." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2016 17:11 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my girlfriend told me she loved me for the first time. Unfortunately, it was her way of saying that she didn't want to lose me after cheating on me yesterday. FML

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By Lauren - 20/8/2012 03:53 - United States - New Market

Today, I had to bail on yet another date with an awesome guy. Every time I make a date, my hateful mother slips laxatives into my food so I'm glued to the shitter until 2am. This is the fourth time. FML

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By creepystalkerguy - 14/10/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, a woman yelled at me to stop following her around the store. We were in IKEA. The only way to get through the store is to follow the arrows through a one-way path. Apparently, no one informed her of this. FML

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By Cheerieful - 7/5/2011 16:26 - United States

Today, I playfully nudged my friend on the shoulder. She countered by shoving me head-first into a trash can. FML

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By BrownDump - 14/5/2011 10:43 - United States

Today, I was taking a dump and I pushed so hard that I got light headed and passed out on the floor. FML

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By RickTooBomb - 5/10/2016 15:23 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I was working as a valet when an old guy came up and wanted us to park his car. He said he had an accident. We looked in the car and saw poop all over the seat. We still had to park the car. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2014 21:42 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I was ringing an elderly gentleman up at work. As I went to package up the buns he ordered, he held up a hand and told me to wait. He then looked me in the eyes, started squeezing them, then winked and told me to go ahead. I've never felt so violated. FML

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By denise - 23/11/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, I was feeling a little racy and decided to send my boyfriend some naked pictures of myself. He responded, "That's OK, but does your face have to be in them?" FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, after wondering why I've never met my father, I asked my mom if I was the product of a one night stand. She replied with, "Well, technically he didn't spend the night." FML

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By Joe Lizen - 7/8/2012 01:40 - United States - New Lenox

Today, my mom called me screaming and cussing because she found pot in my room. I come home and my dad says, "I hid some pot in your room and I'm not letting you go to that concert if you rat me out." My dad is apparently a blackmailing 52-year-old stoner. FML

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By rainastartree - 23/12/2013 21:10 - United States - Crum Lynne

Today, my husband and I were fighting over money. As we were arguing, our 13 year old daughter stole $250 dollars from my purse. FML

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By - 1/1/2019 11:00 - United States - Spokane

Today, I got rear ended. The guy flashed his lights at me to pull over, so I pulled into the side of the road. He drove away. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2011 23:00 - United States

Today, while working at a dollar store, I was clobbered by a woman because apparently, I was ripping her off by charging two dollars for two doughnuts. She didn't understand that she couldn't buy multiple items at once for one dollar. FML

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By secretdeo - 24/8/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, I was at the store buying some feminine products. At the cash register, the clerk said to me "Dude, you know those are for girls right?" I am a 30 year old woman. FML

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By pikachu - 20/1/2009 20:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend farted in her sleep, woke me up because it was so damn loud, and my room smelt like rotten noodles for about an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2010 15:18 - United States

Today, my mother woke me up at 4:30 A.M. to tell me our dog was running down the street. I ran for an hour, chasing after her. Turns out it was our new neighbor's dog. Ours was in our basement. FML

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By Noname - 19/2/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, I went bowling with my mom and she paid for 2 games. By the 6th frame of game 1 she was bored and to get her money back for both games she told the employees I shit my pants. I'm 17. FML

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By Nicoli - 10/11/2011 18:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of five years was in a bad car crash, and ended up with a concussion. He didn't remember me. At all. But he remembered his other girlfriend he had cheated on me with for two months. FML

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By bhnja_ - 18/4/2013 20:34 - Philippines - Mandaue

Today, I got cut from my track team. My coach told me it was because my sprints were "too fast" for his liking. Huh? FML

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By chao - 22/12/2009 02:47 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend what she thought of us getting married some day. She said she wasn't sure about me yet and that we may want to go in different directions soon. We've been dating for three years and I had the ring in my pocket at the moment. FML

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Top comments

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#7835646 - Friday 23 August 2019 4:01

Wasn't this outlawed in the Geneva convention?

By chyiochan | 30

#7835621 - Friday 23 August 2019 0:40

Are you also a dog?

I'm sorry, I read this and thought it funnier as if you weren't really complaining and just voicing your observations.

Comments

By chyiochan | 30

#7835621 - Friday 23 August 2019 0:40

Are you also a dog?

I'm sorry, I read this and thought it funnier as if you weren't really complaining and just voicing your observations.

By Casey Gable | 4

#7835624 - Friday 23 August 2019 1:05

I would rather be stuck with dogs than people

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7835651 - Friday 23 August 2019 4:23

ah huh...

RichardPencil | 28

#7835730 - Friday 23 August 2019 9:54

Have you smelled a skunked dog?

By rockninja | 21

#7835629 - Friday 23 August 2019 1:20

well good luck getting that smell out of your nose or clothes.

By RJR | 5

#7835639 - Friday 23 August 2019 2:16

Well.. at least the dog farts were covered up by the skunk smell.

jbuckets_404 | 38

#7835740 - Friday 23 August 2019 10:21

Well, that doesn't actually seem to be the case here. Otherwise, said farts wouldn't have been noticed or remarked upon by OP....

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#7835646 - Friday 23 August 2019 4:01

Wasn't this outlawed in the Geneva convention?

QueenCortana Tiffany Turner | 16

#7835749 - Friday 23 August 2019 11:01

best comment ever

By katydid91 | 29

#7835673 - Friday 23 August 2019 6:28

Look on the bright side, your sinuses are probably pretty clear right now.