Today, I spent five hours in the back seat of a car with two...

By Anonymous - 23/08/2019 00:01

Today, I spent five hours in the back seat of a car with two dogs. Both had been sprayed by a skunk earlier in the day. One had a gas problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 656

You deserved it 184

The smell detective is on the case

Hiding from the drama

Do me a solid

By ouch - 20/12/2013 04:41 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I dropped a new 50lb box of tiles. Luckily, none of the tiles broke. I'm assuming this is because my foot cushioned the fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 665

You deserved it 4 240

By faeliality - 15/10/2016 05:54 - United States

Today, I discovered that yes, you CAN forget how to ride a bike. Too bad I discovered this in front of all my son's friends and their parents while at his birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 955

You deserved it 1 406

By Anonymous - 30/11/2014 04:44 - United States - Mahwah

Today, I bought a Santa hat. After wearing the hat for a few hours, I noticed a strange lump near the tip of it. I stuck my hand inside to dig out the mysterious object. It was a dead cockroach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 590

You deserved it 3 541

By ugh thanks - 17/08/2014 16:40 - United States - Dayton

Today, I asked my husband to tell me something nice about myself. He thought for a few moments, then said, "Uh, you shit quietly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 439

You deserved it 6 714

By Oh hells no - 16/09/2013 07:26 - United States - Los Altos

Today, my girlfriend came home with a huge bouquet of roses. They were from an admirer, brainwashing her to think I'm a terrible boyfriend for not buying her flowers like he did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 479

You deserved it 12 081

By Anonymous - 06/08/2011 23:37 - United States

Today, my eight year old son came to me and said he thinks it's time he started wearing bras. It turns out his older brother has been mind-fucking him for the past several months and has him convinced it's something all boys his age do. I can't convince him otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 288

You deserved it 3 906

Directions

By jay-frey96 - 02/11/2014 15:36 - United States - San Diego

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 520

You deserved it 13 913

Heart of Glass

By blahblahblah - 15/04/2020 20:00

Today, I was sitting on a stool by the stove while my dad was making stir-fry. The glass lid he had covering the skillet overheated and exploded. As huge shards of broken glass rained down on his only daughter's head, my dad's only concern was whether or not he would have to throw his food away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 576

You deserved it 183

Willpower

By Anonymous - 11/09/2019 14:00

Today, I started my new health kick: granola for breakfast, salad for lunch and gym after work. I was so proud of myself until I couldn’t take it anymore and binged at McDonald’s. My health kick lasted 11 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 743

You deserved it 1 630

By Anonymous - 15/12/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, a man dressed as Santa Claus walked by me, grabbing my butt. He smelled of pipe tobacco and pee. He pulled me close to him and whispered, "I bet you're naughty but you feel so nice." I looked dumbfounded at him as he winked and yelled, "You're on my list." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 454

You deserved it 4 305

By gerligrl97 - 12/06/2011 18:50 - United States

Today, along with my virginity, my boyfriend took my laptop, iPhone, TV, and most of the food in my fridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 958

You deserved it 12 668

By froulita - 31/10/2008 06:08 - Belgium

Today, my boyfriend doesn't know if he should break up with me because he loves me too much, or to stay with me and make me suffer. I have no clue as to what's going on in his head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 030

You deserved it 5 213

By Sparks - 27/04/2019 10:00 - United States - Taylor

Today, my neighbors threatened to sue me because a six-foot branch fell off one of my trees and into their yard, hitting nothing on the way down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 123

You deserved it 214

By Anonymous - 07/08/2009 15:16 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. Halfway through he asked me what day it was. I told him, "Friday." He jumped up and ran over to the TV yelling, "Oh my God! Shark week is almost over!!" I was cock-blocked by the Discovery Channel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 674

You deserved it 8 321

By 205 - 13/11/2009 21:23 - United States

Today, after getting my car completely fixed after it being damaged for a year, I was driving and the entire side panel on the car fell off. The repair man forgot to put the screws back in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 686

You deserved it 2 141

By MessedXUp - 25/09/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a new guy after not dating for quite some time. I'd drank a lot of water, so I wouldn't eat so much on the date and look like a pig. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten how funny this guy really was. He made me laugh so hard, I peed all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 436

You deserved it 47 248

By thornrose22 - 01/11/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. After about five minutes, he sneezes violently on me. I don't know what's worse, him getting snot all over my intimate bits or the fact that the sneeze felt better then what he was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 062

You deserved it 3 161

By anonymous - 20/08/2009 06:22 - United States

Today, I was eating with a friend while walking on the sidewalk. A couple of pigeons were bothering us so I threw a fry onto the street. As a flock of pigeons were gathering around the fry, a truck drove by. Only four survived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 505

You deserved it 49 882

By Yoda - 08/07/2011 05:23 - United States

Today, my drunk father chased me down the street with my little brother's light saber screaming, "Come back Yoda! Teach me how to use the force!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 895

You deserved it 4 884

By whyyyyyme - 04/08/2015 01:43 - Canada

Today, I also needed to add, "Does not currently live in a psychiatric hospital, after being declared 'Not criminally responsible for a crime'" to my list of qualities that I want in a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 649

You deserved it 2 217

Chilly

By Anonymous - 27/07/2020 23:03

Today, I'm a young, healthy non-smoker, getting plenty of exercise and walking about 8.000 steps a day. I still have ice-cold feet. Even wearing two pairs of socks. And Lambswool boots. In July. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 204

You deserved it 207

By allergyssuck - 05/07/2018 20:30

Today, I got a soap that my doctor recommended, because I am allergic to the vast majority of soaps. After driving 45 miles to the only store that sells it and paying $12 for a bottle, I found out I am allergic to it too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 679

You deserved it 266

By rj - 06/03/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist after 24 hours of severe tooth pain. They did an emergency root canal. After the anesthesia wore off, within minutes, the pain returned only worse than before. Called the dentist, I had to return, only to find they had done the root canal on the wrong tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 194

You deserved it 3 024

Neverending story

By Anonymous - 09/07/2021 11:01

Today, it's my birthday. We were supposed to be going to a nice Italian restaurant at 6.30 p.m. Instead, the whole region is going into a snap lockdown from 6 p.m., due to the recent community transmissions of Covid-19. Happy Birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 104

By hashtag67 - 05/11/2016 09:08

Today, I taught my first seminar as a teaching assistant. I prepared for hours and rehearsed and discussed it with the professor. Two students fell asleep, I said "shit" twice and I froze mid-sentence, then said, "Sorry guys, I have no idea what I'm saying." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 137

You deserved it 1 517

Catching up

By XRayXLopez1 - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Dallas

Today, I met a friend I hadn't seen in forever. After talking for a while, he says, "I knew there was a reason I stopped talking to you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 000

You deserved it 1 612

Completely soaking

By wet and sad - 15/11/2019 03:00

Today, I was walking to work when it was starting to pour down sideways. I was pretty early anyway, so, I decided to duck into a bus shelter and let it pass. Suddenly, a big truck comes and drenched me with the biggest puddle. Soaking from head to toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 897

You deserved it 143

By Anonymous - 16/09/2012 01:29 - United States

Today, for the first time in a week, a customer entered my store. He needed to use the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 415

You deserved it 2 363

By Emily - 03/03/2011 15:23

Today, a man was struggling up some slippery steps with a pram, when his sunglasses fell from his head. I hurried to pick them up for him, as he had no free hands, but instead accidentally stood on them, snapping them in half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 313

You deserved it 16 885

By grimatwork - 01/11/2010 17:24 - United Kingdom

Today, after taking my jacket off at work, I found a large faint stain all across one side of my shirt. Turns out that my fiancé had used it to "clean up the bed." I am the manager of a supermarket with 40 employees. It was pretty obvious what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 320

You deserved it 5 396

By StUbbY - 09/07/2009 14:01 - Canada

Today, I was waiting in line for breakfast at the McDonalds drive-thru. After getting so fed up that the line hadn't budged for 10 mins, I decided to pull out of the line just to realize I was waiting behind 2 parked cars that were just to the left of the drive-thru lane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 793

You deserved it 59 097

Bored

By Anonymous - 22/01/2012 11:44 - Australia

Today, I caught myself thinking about what to cook for dinner tonight. During sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 282

You deserved it 7 232

By Anonymous - 12/05/2017 16:00

Today, while I was eating spicy wings, I suddenly sneezed. I was sitting in front of a fan and effectively maced myself when my spicy sneeze blew back into my face and eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 884

You deserved it 710

By fine - 28/02/2015 05:22 - United States - Danvers

Today, after struggling for over a year with it, and now having it medically confirmed, I told my step-dad about my depression. He gave me a disgusted look and scoffed, "Toughen up, cunt." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 317

You deserved it 4 668

Scratchy

By Lice FML - 25/06/2021 06:01 - United States

Today, my kids and I discovered the party hats from the party we just went to were infested with lice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 948

You deserved it 64

By Third trimester - 26/05/2017 17:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, as I stepped into a subway car, I noticed some free seats and began walking towards them. A group of girls standing nearby looked at me, then at the seats, and made a run for them. They then high-fived, presumably as congratulations for sitting down before the pregnant lady could. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 616

You deserved it 392

Sneaky sneaky...

By Snowflakepandi - 01/09/2017 13:00

Today, while on vacation, I found out that my boyfriend moved out. He had claimed that he couldn't come with me because his boss messed up his time off request, and for the last two days he said he'd been "cleaning". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 403

You deserved it 270

By catlady - 09/01/2012 16:56 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my anniversary. I've been a single cat-lady for exactly one year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 724

You deserved it 8 488

By Julie is in pain - 06/07/2012 17:11 - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I had eight teeth removed in preparation for getting my braces fitted. My winter break will now consists of barely being able to sleep or eat, tasting blood, and looking like a goofy-ass chipmunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 109

You deserved it 2 450

By kaitylait - 19/08/2011 00:59 - Canada

Today, I told my dad I was going to the gym. He stood up and clapped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 461

You deserved it 11 093

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Top comments

ThrottleJockey 34

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Friday 23 August 2019 4:01

Wasn't this outlawed in the Geneva convention?

Seeya55 31

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Friday 23 August 2019 0:40

Are you also a dog? I'm sorry, I read this and thought it funnier as if you weren't really complaining and just voicing your observations.

Comments

Seeya55 31

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Friday 23 August 2019 0:40

Are you also a dog? I'm sorry, I read this and thought it funnier as if you weren't really complaining and just voicing your observations.

Casey Gable 4

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Friday 23 August 2019 1:05

I would rather be stuck with dogs than people

EmDizzle2007 28

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Friday 23 August 2019 4:23

ah huh...

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 23 August 2019 9:54

Have you smelled a skunked dog?

rockninja 21

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Friday 23 August 2019 1:20

well good luck getting that smell out of your nose or clothes.

RJR 5

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Friday 23 August 2019 2:16

Well.. at least the dog farts were covered up by the skunk smell.

jbuckets_404 38

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Friday 23 August 2019 10:21

Well, that doesn't actually seem to be the case here. Otherwise, said farts wouldn't have been noticed or remarked upon by OP....

slym12312425 9

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Friday 23 August 2019 20:15

perhaps the smell was masked and o p was simply complaining about the noise from explosive flatulence?

ThrottleJockey 34

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Friday 23 August 2019 4:01

Wasn't this outlawed in the Geneva convention?

QueenCortana Tiffany Turner 16

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Friday 23 August 2019 11:01

best comment ever

katydid91 31

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Friday 23 August 2019 6:28

Look on the bright side, your sinuses are probably pretty clear right now.

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 49

Spicy

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66

You deserved it 13

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 908

You deserved it 179