Today, I set an alarm to wake up for a football match. I woke... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 343

You deserved it 89

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 138

You deserved it 1 224

11/05/2019 23:30

Today, I set an alarm to wake up for a football match. I woke up after it finished. Turns out, I set my alarm to 12:15 p.m. instead of a.m. I ended up missing one of my team's best performances. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 065

You deserved it 1 453

The smell detective is on the case

There's no helping some people

Commando

06/12/2009 17:34

Today, my 15 year old son told me he had his first kiss. I told him how I was the same age when I had mine, and then I told him all kinds of wild stories about things I did in my childhood and college life. Truth is, I made them all up. I didn't get kissed till I was 24, and laid till I was 28. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 873

You deserved it 13 959

Trust

By Anonymous - 29/08/2021 06:01

Today, my dad trusted me to go driving by myself in his car. I foolishly celebrated by doing a jump heel click, landed awkwardly, threw my hand out to stop myself falling, and scraped the whole bunch of keys down the driver's door. He trusted me for like 3 seconds and I blew it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 262

You deserved it 1 288

04/04/2011 19:47

Today, I returned home to find the key to my mailbox missing. I called the post office and was informed that a new key will cost me $15. I have no money, and my paycheck is in the mailbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 291

You deserved it 5 190

06/09/2011 16:42

Spicy

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend after helping him study for his ACT, giving him a back rub, and having really awesome sex with him. His reason for dumping me? He's too stressed out to have a girlfriend right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 647

You deserved it 4 588

29/09/2009 05:26

Today, I was chastised by the CEO in the middle of a management meeting for showing up late to work every day, despite being in my office before 9:00am every morning. It was my 5th day on the job and no one had bothered to tell me that the office opens at 8:00am, and not 9:00am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 399

You deserved it 39 833

30/10/2010 13:40

Today, while my boyfriend and I were fighting in the car, I paused to take a bite of my burrito. Just at that moment, he slammed on the brakes, causing me to deepthroat my burrito. I threw up all over myself. He won the argument. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 737

You deserved it 8 862

12/10/2012 23:00

Today, I had to eat my breakfast in terrified silence, as my hungover mother staggered into the room, shouted at the kettle for not boiling fast enough, and after a few seconds, screamed that I'd sabotaged it. I'm now grounded for supposedly trying to fuck with her head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 825

You deserved it 1 666

09/04/2009 03:43

Today, I was having a horrible day. I was laying on the couch, crying, when my dog came up on the couch to console me. I was thinking about how great it was to have a dog, because they're there for you when no one else is. As I was sobbing, I heard something. My dog farted into my mouth. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 589

You deserved it 9 366

28/05/2013 00:56

Today, I was working at a place where if you're tipped, you sing. After a lady paid for her ice cream, she pulled out 5 dollars. Thinking it was a tip, I took it, and sang the song. She didn't mean to tip me. I was stopped by the woman slapping me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 783

You deserved it 15 154

10/03/2014 00:36

Today, after running across London to catch my train, I collapsed, panting, into a seat across from a concerned elderly woman. She leaned over to ask whether I had my inhaler and I smiled and nodded. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'm not asthmatic, just really unfit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 063

You deserved it 7 038

04/12/2012 16:04

Today, I was riding the train and someone farted. Everyone looked at me. People always blame farts on the fat guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 862

You deserved it 6 874

03/07/2018 15:00

Today, I was verbally harassed by a customer because I wouldn’t give her special treatment after her meal was incorrect. I offered her a refund and a coupon for a free meal, which she refused before calling me a stupid kid who wouldn’t do anything to help her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 507

You deserved it 220

10/09/2013 23:30

Today, I found out my extremely anti-war relatives hate me because they think I served in the Army, after hearing I was "a vet". I'm a veterinarian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 443

You deserved it 3 081

Sucker

By BadIdea - 01/03/2012 21:23

Spicy

Today, I decided to shave my balls. When I was finished, I vacuumed up the mess on the carpet, and then the fragments of hair still on my balls. Very bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 253

You deserved it 59 453

It's only a bit of liquid fun, come on!

By Anonymous - 14/09/2019 20:00

Today, I asked the guy I'm dating if he could not drink on our next date, because he ends up drunk-driving every time. His response was, "This isn't working out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 688

You deserved it 294

24/10/2016 09:39

Today, I was fired from my job because I, in my boss's words, "Abided by company policy to such an extent that customers were starting to hate me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 936

You deserved it 1 260

30/06/2010 00:39

Today, I walked four blocks with toilet paper hanging out of my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 850

You deserved it 28 834

12/03/2015 10:23

Today, I've managed to go my whole nine-year teaching career without anyone vomiting in my classroom. That record was broken today when someone vomited four successive times in front of a class of 46 students. It was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 355

You deserved it 2 906

24/04/2018 03:44

Today, while working at a restaurant, I told an old couple their “vibrator will go off when a table is available”. I meant to say pager. They walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 844

You deserved it 972

06/06/2009 06:48

Today, I was at Target trying on swimsuits. I tried on a medium bottom and was so excited because it fit perfectly even though I've gained a few pounds. My self-esteem was at an all-time high until my mom told me I could never fit into a medium. I rechecked the tag. It was an extra large. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 134

You deserved it 22 985

16/10/2011 12:47

Today, my landlord compared me to his idiot son for not plunging a toilet. This is the same toilet he explicitly told me not to plunge last week, because of a possible leak into the basement. We have been peeing outside for a week waiting on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 329

You deserved it 2 564

17/07/2009 23:14

Today, my brother replaced my cologne with whiskey. I have a job interview and I smell like a drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 750

You deserved it 4 394

30/06/2010 04:05

Today, my aunt and I wanted to do something nice. So we made cookies for a local nursing home. After tasting them, nobody ate any. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 790

You deserved it 5 977

24/08/2009 16:43

Today, I corrected my mom in front of our family while she was ragging on my 12 year old cousin who got a piercing. She said, "You don't understand you don't have kids, but on the other hand you probably never will!" I have Polycystic ovary syndrome, she is right, I probably never will. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 044

You deserved it 3 565

26/02/2010 17:57

Today, I missed points on a math quiz because I thought 2 times 5 was 20. I'm a math major. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 044

You deserved it 38 305

Happy Birthday…

By Anonymous - 14/10/2021 11:00

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend’s birthday is a month before mine. I'd spent my birthday savings on his, but he told me that we couldn’t do anything for mine because, “I didn’t plan or organize better.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 810

You deserved it 99

16/08/2018 18:30

Today, my husband's cousin told me it's a tradition that I should have sex with the eldest male cousin (him) as a rite of passage, and I probably don't know this being of foreign origin. I emigrated here and met my husband when we were 6. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 644

You deserved it 241

08/07/2013 17:03

Spicy

Today, while at the doctor's, a week overdue with my first child, I was told that sex and orgasms can sometimes help to induce labor. On the way home, my boyfriend asked for road head, arguing that "She said that stuff about orgasms." Not you, honey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 890

You deserved it 7 291

26/11/2009 06:18

Today, my parents and I went to the movies for my mom's birthday. After the movie, my mom and dad got into a fight, and left me at the movies. My cell phone was dead, and my house was about 12 miles away. They finally came and picked me up, hours later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 793

You deserved it 3 163

08/11/2018 12:00

Today, my husband came home from the hospital after having 6 gangrenous toes amputated because he hasn't been treating his diabetes properly. Not half an hour after he got home, I caught him sneaking sweets from a hiding place in his toolbox. He's already lost the bag with his medication in it. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 406

You deserved it 311

08/01/2016 11:28

Today, I went to the doctor's because I could feel something solid in my breasts, and I wanted to get it checked, just to be safe. Turns out it was my ribs. Oops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 343

You deserved it 8 314

Landlords are scum

By Anonymous - 16/12/2019 19:00

Today, I found out that my landlord is sleeping with my girlfriend, and he won’t let me out of my lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 418

You deserved it 138

14/11/2017 15:00

Today, I went on a hike. It had snowed the night before so I wore warm clothes. They didn’t help when I slipped and broke my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 024

You deserved it 463

09/06/2012 23:43

Today, I fell going down the stairs and hit my head on the wall. My parents came frantically running to my side, but only to make sure I hadn't damaged the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 820

You deserved it 2 246

06/11/2011 05:15

Today, I was attending my bachelor party. I watched a very attractive young girl dancing on a pole, giving me a seductive look. As she walked up to me, I realized it was my soon-to-be wife's younger sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 551

You deserved it 17 916

14/05/2011 05:44

Today, I started petting my cousin's Doberman. Now, whenever I stop he growls menacingly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 770

You deserved it 5 423

Strange metric

By Anonymous - 03/11/2020 01:57

Today, I decided that I need to lose weight when I discovered I could no longer chew on my own toenails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 208

You deserved it 1 396

15/04/2013 20:18

Today, my 25 year old brother dumped all my underwear into the fireplace for interrupting him while he was playing WoW. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 330

You deserved it 12 263

Leave me alone!

By Jack Slate - 12/12/2020 11:02

Today, my anxious, obsessive, overbearing mother called me four times. That's significantly less than usual. When I complained to my dad, he said, "She just worries about you because she loves you." I don't feel loved, I feel smothered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 746

You deserved it 126

22/08/2015 00:29

Today, my sister got promoted to manager at the store we both work at. Since company policy states that siblings can't work at the same store if one of them is a manager, I was let go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 387

You deserved it 1 819

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Top comments

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 11 May 2019 20:15

Good thing you weren’t there to screw it up.

PenguinPal3017 19

Sunday 12 May 2019 2:52

The event was likely on tv, taking place in another country. I feel like people are insane for not understanding any of this.

Comments

Send a private message

Saturday 11 May 2019 20:07

12:15 am is midnight, 12:15 pm is mid afternoon, so was the event in the middle of the night or were you trying to get there 10 hours early? Do you normally wake up after noon?

PenguinPal3017 19

Sunday 12 May 2019 2:48

They meant to set it for AM. They wake up before noon. They set their alarm wrong.

PenguinPal3017 19

Sunday 12 May 2019 2:52

The event was likely on tv, taking place in another country. I feel like people are insane for not understanding any of this.

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Saturday 11 May 2019 20:15

Good thing you weren’t there to screw it up.

jbuckets_404 38

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Saturday 11 May 2019 22:16

But getting plenty of rest is a good thing! Your body will thank you later. :-)

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Sunday 12 May 2019 1:44

Was it a match that was being broadcast from another country, or do you and a load of your friends play night football?

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Sunday 12 May 2019 2:36

How did you accidentally sleep in 12 hours??

PenguinPal3017 19

Sunday 12 May 2019 2:50

They didn't. Their alarm didn't wake them up! Come on people! It's not that hard. They probably went to sleep at like 9 pm and woke up at 4 am.

PenguinPal3017 19

Sunday 12 May 2019 2:51

My android phone said "alarm set for X hours Y minutes". It prevented this mistake. I moved to iPhone and now I get anxiety sometimes that I will set my alarm incorrectly.

STFU01 14

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Sunday 12 May 2019 3:57

Set the DVR the next time so you can watch later...

Nhayaa 21

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Sunday 12 May 2019 6:11

That never happens with the 24h system. But I never hear my alarm clocks so I guess it doesn't really matter wether I set them up at the right time or not...

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Sunday 12 May 2019 7:14

Definitely not American football.

Phil 14

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Monday 13 May 2019 22:24

Get an analog clock, then you won't have that problem lol.