Today, I saw a spider in my bathtub, so instead of killing it,... - FML

By Anonymous - 29/3/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I saw a spider in my bathtub, so instead of killing it, i decided to bring my dog inside the bathroom to kill the spider for me. Turns out that the spider was a black widow, and my dog was bit. The dog killed the spider. The spider killed my dog. FML

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Healthy relationship

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A beautiful truck decoration

By Bir - 8/12/2019 14:00 - Nepal

Early wake-up

Today, my nephew grabbed my balls to wake me up at 4 AM. FML

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By neryc - 4/7/2014 19:41 - United States - Hummelstown

Today, my little sister started freaking out, because she was playing with some white-out eraser and got some on her finger. She started crying inconsolably because she thought her entire finger was going to disappear. FML

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By bandfuckup - 13/3/2017 00:00

Today, my band was playing its first serious gig. I was in the middle of a solo when a drunk guy tackled me, causing me to crash into the drums, breaking them and my guitar, hitting our drummer, knocking him out. FML

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By shewhopoopsinlitterboxes - 25/7/2014 15:54 - United States - Downingtown

Today, there are people working in my bathroom. I have the shits. The only place I could think to go was in my cats litter box. I've used it twice and am now contemplating using it a third time. FML

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By sammers27 - 19/12/2013 13:48 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, a weird guy in pajama pants and a fake hair-hat kept standing by us at a concert. Everyone talked about what a creep he was. I would have too, but he was my dad. FML

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By Username - 9/5/2011 17:23 - China

Today, I made a cup of tea at work. Whilst talking to a work mate I took a sip of the tea which I had forgotten was boiling hot and laughed at the same time, causing it to come out of my nose. I have blistered my whole mouth and even burnt my nostrils. FML

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By club goer - 20/2/2013 19:48 - Canada

Today, I uploaded a new Facebook profile photo, which got over 20 likes in the space of an hour. The most I've ever gotten before was 10. Surprised, I went to check my picture again, only to notice two guys were sarcastically flipping me the bird in the background. FML

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By doggybag - 24/9/2009 05:17 - Canada

Today, I was walking my dogs. I had a doggy bag, and was holding it closed, then breathing in it, so it would blow up. My dogs 'went', so I picked it up and kept walking. As I was heading home, I absent-mindedly started blowing into the bag again. Everything ended up in my mouth and on my face. FML

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By mydaughterisdisturbed - 12/8/2013 00:58 - United States - Huntingburg

Today, my 14-year-old daughter convinced my son that when he was born, he was actually born as a girl, but we wanted a boy so bad we had his gender changed. Now he wants to change back to a girl because now he doesn't feel right as a boy. Last year, she got her other brother to cross dress. FML

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By geniusdrunk - 9/8/2019 02:00

Today, after a month of sobriety, I woke up in my ex-girlfriend's house with absolutely no recollection as to how I got there. FML

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By pain - 26/2/2010 10:23 - Japan

Today, I realized explosive diarrhea can happen, and at the most inopportune times, such as on the day of MY wedding. At the alter while my husband said his vows. FML

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By gold3nshow3r - 9/3/2017 20:00 - United States - Roanoke

Today, I woke up to a strange wetness covering my body. My drunk roommate's urine. FML

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By Turnipseed3 - 3/5/2012 17:00 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the toilet, pregnant as ever and really sick. I asked my fiancé to bring me a pair of clean underwear. He did so and brought me some lacy underwear. They weren't mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2013 23:37 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, I walked out of a job interview feeling confident because I'd really hit it off with the interviewer. He called me an hour later to tell me that I didn't get the job, since he was afraid we'd "get along too well and never get any work done." FML

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By Big B - 4/2/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I was at the strip club. I put my dollar on the stage. When the stripper came over to take it, she stood me up and flipped my tits and said I had bigger ones than her. I'm a guy. FML

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By whiteycan'tgetitrightey - 24/2/2015 23:13 - United Kingdom - Norwich

Today, I apologised to someone for my misuse of the word 'coloured' in a discussion about ethnic minority issues. They then got even more angry and said that to even quote the word in the context of an apology is evidence of my ignorance and inherent racism. FML

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By Getmeoutofhere - 10/8/2017 17:15 - Australia

At least it wasn't rotting coconut?

Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2012 05:25 - United States - Astoria

Today, my fiancé and I broke up, and he won't answer my calls or texts. I don't want him back; he has my dog. FML

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By needanewride - 16/11/2012 02:40 - United States - Newton Center

Today, I took a crowded train home. I was holding on to the rail when an old man started rubbing his crotch across my hand. I moved my hand but he moved too and kept doing it. When I moved my hand higher, he started licking it. I had to wait ten minutes for the next stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2020 20:00

Smooth

Today, I turned 30. I still can't grow any facial hair. FML

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By sarahpft - 13/9/2009 16:44 - United States

Today, my parents told me they wouldn't be able to afford my senior portraits. That was fine with me, until I found some expensive professional photos in the mail. Of our dog. FML

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By Anon - 22/3/2012 23:32 - United States - Stony Point

Today, I spotted a $100 bill on the ground. Being a little strapped for cash, I excitedly picked it up. I discovered it was one of those religious tract papers made to look like a folded bill, with a message scolding me for being greedy. FML

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By dadoftheyear - 7/5/2015 03:27 - United States

Today, I had to say to my 23-year-old son that it's not a compliment to tell a woman that he wants to jam his cock down her throat. FML

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By Janice - 3/1/2019 12:00

Today, while working as a bank teller, a woman came in with a $100k check. I commented, "Wow, I really could do with one of these!" She responded, "It's a life insurance check. I'd rather have my son back," and teared up in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2020 11:01 - Hong Kong - Central District

Is that a pass then?

Today, I had a piano exam, for which I'd worked hard. I went in, and the examiner asked me to play some scales. I was so nervous, I played 3 octaves and then realised I'd ran out of space. I might have then said, "FUCK!" really loudly… and she heard. FML

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By anonymous - 19/2/2011 13:12 - United States

Today, I was having the best sex with my husband, and right when I reached climax, he shouted "Abracadabra!" FML

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By stupidcunt - 14/4/2014 23:43 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I was looking at the map on my phone whilst walking down a street. I heard the sound of a bike behind me so I moved to let the cyclist past. He snatched the phone out of my hand and sped off. FML

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By goestoschoolonsnowdays - 12/2/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, we had our second snow day in a row, something that never happens. So while the rest of school got to sleep late, I had to wake up early, get dressed, and go to my bus stop because my mom didn't believe me. FML

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By unknown - 9/11/2010 02:25 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's whole family. Between them they had about 10 teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2019 13:00 - United States - Tucson

Today, I missed out on the chance of buying a great used car because my loan wasn't approved. Why wasn't it approved? Because the vehicle has +100k miles on it. I wish they would've told me that when I applied for the loan. FML

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By Loser - 12/5/2009 22:05 - United States

Today, I learned that I have carpal tunnel syndrome. I got it from playing too much World of Warcraft. I got a disease in real life by living in a virtual world. FML

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By suckstobeme - 12/4/2009 21:41 - United States

Today, as I got down on one knee, and was in the middle of saying "Will you marry me?", she answered a text message. Apparently it was more important. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was complaining of a scorpion sting on his leg. I told him to stop whining and get over it. Later, as I went to sleep, I felt a sharp pain in my arm. As I flipped on the light, I saw a scorpion crawling over the blankets. Now my entire arm is numb and I can't stop crying. FML

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By AussieG75 - 7/5/2013 14:18 - United States - Lakewood

Today, I was making tea when I smelled something burning. My very fluffy cat had put his tail right next to the open flame and burnt his fur. Now I have a semi-hairless cat and a very smelly apartment. FML

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By dumbwifehappylife - 12/2/2014 01:37 - United States - Woodbine

Today, my wife tried to report our neighbor's yard sale to the Better Business Bureau. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2017 07:00 - United States - Coplay

Today, my school brought in therapy dogs to help with stress. I was attacked by one of them. FML

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By kb - 10/1/2015 14:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I accidentally sent my teacher a picture of me in my boyfriend's boxers instead of my essay. FML

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By SkottLong - 10/3/2015 06:19 - United States - Logan

Today, I showed my father a nice sweatshirt online, hoping he would take the hint and get it for me. He did, three sizes larger than mine, for himself. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2015 20:41 - United Kingdom - Oundle

Today, in the middle of the supermarket, my 7 year old son asked me what a cocksucker is and why his mum always calls me that. FML

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By :| - 25/4/2012 18:46 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, I heard my neighbors having a violent argument in their front yard. I listened in, and soon found out why the wife wasn't happy with her husband. Apparently, she had caught her husband peeking through my windows for the second time this month. FML

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Top comments

By grrgle | 0

#67094 - Sunday 29 March 2009 16:09

That is AWFUL! Why the hell would your dog kill a spider for you? Just kill it yourself, lazy bum.

By squeezebox | 0

#67075 - Sunday 29 March 2009 16:03

Oiii, that's so terrible!!
I'm sorry to hear that. ):

COMMENTS

By squeezebox | 0

#67075 - Sunday 29 March 2009 16:03

Oiii, that's so terrible!!
I'm sorry to hear that. ):

By AllysThaNamee | 0

#67079 - Sunday 29 March 2009 16:04

You asshole.
I would of rather you died instead of the dog.

By boomBOOMshake | 0

#67080 - Sunday 29 March 2009 16:04

That's terrible!
But I'm kind of with#2, you should have never done that.

By sondramcfail | 0

#67082 - Sunday 29 March 2009 16:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By McEuph | 0

#67083 - Sunday 29 March 2009 16:05

That's so sad :(

By easrc | 5

#67084 - Sunday 29 March 2009 16:06

Wow, that would suck... I guess that tells you to be more observant next time!

By plethora | 3

#67085 - Sunday 29 March 2009 16:06

Aaaaand, this is why bug spray was invented.

Oh, and, I've never seen a black widow, so I can understand not recognising it. But still. Bug spray, or a heavy shoe.

By ryan__h | 1

#67086 - Sunday 29 March 2009 16:07

u r a retard..................have u never seen a black widow b4

By vicious_ | 0

#67088 - Sunday 29 March 2009 16:08

Wow. This is why you run water when the spider is in the bathtub.
Poor dog.

By altna | 4

#67090 - Sunday 29 March 2009 16:09

I have to agree with #2 on this one.