Kids: Today, I saw a little girl digging in the gravel inside the fireworks... - FML

By brokeandhungry - United States

Today, I saw a little girl digging in the gravel inside the fireworks tent I work in. After she and her family left, I went and used my foot to smooth out the mound she'd made. In doing so, I discovered that she wasn't digging, she was burying. She'd pooped. FML

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Sorry…

Sounds lovely

Ran out

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a new computer because my old one crashed, deleting all music, photos, and documents. I still had all my music on my iPod though, and went to sync it to the new computer. By accident, my younger brother pulled the cord out before it was done, deleting all 3,000 songs forever. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw my friend at the mall. He didn't see me, so I called him to say "Turn around." He took one look at his phone, snorted loudly enough for me to hear from way off, and put it back in his pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I failed my driving test. I've been a legal driver in my home country for 8 years, but can't pass the test here. FML

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By Shelby

Today, my boyfriend told me that he hasn't showered in over a week, because he "doesn't like to be wet." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had a dream in which I was being mugged. I started fighting the muggers off, while in reality, my fist smacked my wife in the face. Now she has a black eye, nobody believes my story, and they think I'm a wife beater. FML

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By iamnotuseless

Today, I went to my local pharmacy. Walking in, the security guard rudely asked me what I was going to buy. I brushed him off and walked in. I was paying and told the cashier what happened. She said "Sorry, we get a lot of hobos, they tend to steal." FML

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By ImAnEngineer - United States - Canandaigua

Today, my boss quit, leaving me as the only structural engineer at my company. I'm fresh out of college and will have to finish the projects on my own. Hope Google can teach me how to do this. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Carlton

Today, I found the remnants of a condom in my dog’s poo. FML

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By Embarassed - United States

Today, I had to explain to my father why most of the bar was giving him dirty looks at a concert. His air guitar motions made it look like he was jacking off under the table. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Chatswood

Today, my husband and I finally agreed on something: marriage counseling. FML

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By snarly1 - United States

Today, it was our one year anniversary. After a surprise re-creation of our first date, we went home, in the mood for love. The food poisoning from the restaurant had a different idea. FML

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By TheBeastSwaq - United States

Today, I met my ex's new boyfriend. I was at work, cashiering at the movie theater that they were apparently having their first date at. We broke up less than 24 hours ago. FML

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By Crud - United States

Today, my girlfriend of six months dumped me over the phone. I'm in the military and recently had to move away to another fort. We'd agreed that we would try to make long distance work. I'd even offered to buy a plane ticket to come see her each weekend. I've been gone less than two weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I locked lips with someone, or rather something, other than family for the first time in my life. It was a CPR dummy. FML

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By homersgirl - United States

Today, after an amazing sex session, my boyfriend rolls over and stares lovingly into my eyes, puts his hand on my cheek caressing it tenderly... and says "Who's a good piggy?" in his best Homer Simpson's voice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife told our six year old daughter that the devil beats his wife whenever there's a rainbow. Now she won't stop crying. FML

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By starstruck - France

Today, I misplaced my wallet. Fortunately, I knew exactly where it was. Unfortunately, I had just taken out the only form of picture ID that morning. I couldn't stop the finders from laughing as they saw my fake celebrity entertainment ID while I tried to convince them it was actually my wallet. FML

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By MedHistory - Canada - Laval

Today, I decided to give a break to my students halfway through my 3 hour lecture. The break became the end of the lecture, because nobody came back. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out I have an incredible fear of butterflies. I discovered this after my mother took me to a butterfly sanctuary for some "mother-daughter bonding time." FML

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By klifestyle2012

Classy.

Today, I came home to find my brother making out with my girlfriend while taking a selfie. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 00:30

Letting go

Today, my dad muttered something about the snow in Texas being fake, caused by 5G. I didn't take the bait, because it made a change from natural disasters being caused by my "homosexual life choices." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I came home from school to find almost every single personal possession and piece of furniture from my bedroom all laid out or disassembled in the back yard. My dad smugly told me I'd better start moving it all back. This is his revenge for me salting his coffee this morning. FML

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By stacyyvonne - United States

Today, I finally found the courage to tell my drug addict husband that I'm leaving him. He sat in his chair, denying using drugs, ever. Right after he said this, he passed out and spilled hot coffee on himself. He then denied spilling the coffee. As I was leaving, he took all of my shoes. FML

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By jo - United States

Today, I finally got to hook up with this hot guy I'd been talking to for a few weeks. To my surprise, he was sinfully drunk when he arrives. As we were going at it, he shits on my white carpet. Now the phrase "f***ing the shit out of someone" has a brand new meaning for me. FML

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By snore - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I was feeling really depressed and ended up asking my mom why guys aren't interested in me. She replied with a laundry list of reasons, including, "Hair. Boobs. Face. Everything." FML

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By burgerpants - United States - Stamford

Today, I was feeling down so I thought I'd order a burger to cheer myself up. The website I ordered from featured Instagram pics of their customers. My ex and the guy she cheated on me with were front and center. FML

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By yogabbagabba - United States

Today, I fell asleep during naptime. I'm the teacher. FML

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By Vicky - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend went to kiss me as we were walking home. It was very icy and he slipped. His teeth went through my lip. FML

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By Stinkbomber - United States - Woonsocket

Today, at work, our grease traps were getting cleaned out. My desk is right next to the vent for outside air, and veryone thought I crapped myself and wouldn't go near me. FML

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By "axon Impulse"

Today, a reliable source informed me that my suspicions that I would soon be fired were wrong! Instead, my boss plans to make my life miserable until I quit. FML

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By wow - United States - Turlock

Today, my mom spelled my name with all lowercase letters. When I asked her why she wrote it like that, she got pissed and snapped back, "Capitals are for people who amount to something." FML

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By NoTypeOfExercise - United States - Encino

Today, my husband told me I couldn't go to my morning yoga class, because he needed to leave for work at 7:30 am sharp, and I wouldn't be back in time to watch our son. It's 8:05 am and he still hasn't left for work. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was accused of shop-lifting by an old lady in a supermarket. Having proven myself innocent, I tried to storm off to show my displeasure at the situation. In my haste to make a dramatic exit, I tried to go out of the entrance and walked straight into the automatic door. FML

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By notsoclean - United States

Today, I was at the dentist's, getting my teeth cleaned. He thought it would be funny to suddenly go on in detail about the fantastic sex he and his wife had the night before. I was unable to speak the entire time. The dentist is my grandpa. FML

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By sadmommy - United States - Keller

Today, I discovered that last night, my son snuck downstairs at 3am, drank two glasses of my very expensive wine, threw up on his bed, and then slept in his own vomit. My son is 14. FML

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By welted - Canada

Today, my fiancé and I decided to engage in some erotic food play. She covered every region of my body, including my genitals, with strawberry sauce. Today also happens to be the day that I found out I'm allergic to strawberries. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Surprise

Today, while walking around town, some guy grabbed me from behind, clutched at my nipples, and said, "That's where I always imagined they were." FML

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By bumpinthenight - 20/4/2020 08:00

Amityville

Today, I was painting my new house when my neighbor introduced himself. Mid-conversation, he said, "The lady who lived here was nice, but just couldn't get over her husband hanging himself in the garage. Or her son shooting himself in the basement." I'll never sleep again. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I folded a stack of 2,500 brochures for the new exhibit we're putting on at the museum where I work. As I was finishing up, I got an email. The dates have just been changed, so all the brochures have to be reprinted and refolded. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 08:03 - United Kingdom - Bristol

New skills

Today, I lost my virginity. Today, I also learned how to fake an orgasm. Twice. FML

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Top comments

By aimeecuria | 9

#5565602 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:05

Someone needs to be potty trained :P

By izzie321 | 27

#5565616 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:10

YOU! Don't you sh*t in my tent...

COMMENTS

By aimeecuria | 9

#5565602 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:05

Someone needs to be potty trained :P

Reply

MrClean17 | 15

#5565657 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:30

Maybe she was just channeling her inner feline instincts

Reply

gloooooria | 14

#5565715 - Thursday 4 July 2013 17:13

She didn't go in her pants. I'd say she is trained.

Reply

KaitlynNeal | 13

#5565733 - Thursday 4 July 2013 17:23

Someone needs a leash

Reply

Jjimen1654 | 9

#5565781 - Thursday 4 July 2013 18:00

If she had the sense to make a whole and try to cover it up, id say shes more than potty trained.

Reply

lorraineald | 7

#5566208 - Friday 5 July 2013 1:56

She may not be house trained, but I'd say that she's litter trained.

By paigebona | 7

#5565606 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:06

Yo aimee

Reply

aimeecuria | 9

#5565610 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:07

Heyy babeee

Reply

Wizardo | 33

#5565622 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:12

If she seduces herself does that mean she's asexual?

By Wizardo | 33

#5565608 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:06

You threw yourself in the Shit Pit there my friend, should've looked before you stepped in it...

By vespergreen | 17

#5565609 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:07

You just discovered someone's treasure!

Reply

RodzillaX | 30

#5565730 - Thursday 4 July 2013 17:21

And one person's junk is another person's poop.

By flashback.miss | 28

#5565612 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:08

Hey, homemade manure! But, hopefully, you were able to clean it out best you could.

By izzie321 | 27

#5565616 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:10

YOU! Don't you sh*t in my tent...

Reply

RodzillaX | 30

#5565726 - Thursday 4 July 2013 17:19

You! Don't tell me what to do!

Reply

cathyfang1533 | 12

#5566374 - Friday 5 July 2013 4:47

You! I'll shit where I want to!

By team_cookies | 11

#5565617 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:10

I bet that's shitty

Reply

assassinbanana0 | 20

#5565850 - Thursday 4 July 2013 18:47

Your failure of a pun was shitty

Reply

emilyjgraham | 34

#5566054 - Thursday 4 July 2013 21:20

Why use the same pun to insult their pun?

Reply

xTwig | 10

#5566865 - Friday 5 July 2013 16:11

Wow you guys suck with puns.

By beatlesbaby12 | 9

#5565619 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:10

Litter box style! FYL dude.

By TwinkleToes7 | 15

#5565624 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:13

Haha awe maybe she just really had to go?

By cieloalicia | 16

#5565631 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:17

Did her family just not notice what she was doing?!

Reply

ElmoSaysSquishy | 28

#5565683 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:46

Some parents don't seem to care what their kids get up to.

Reply

fluffycatsdad | 33

#5566488 - Friday 5 July 2013 7:00

Sad, but true!

Reply

scta | 13

#5566566 - Friday 5 July 2013 8:29

They were probably busy playing with their iPhones.