Kids: Today, I saw a little girl digging in the gravel inside the fireworks... - FML

By brokeandhungry - United States

Today, I saw a little girl digging in the gravel inside the fireworks tent I work in. After she and her family left, I went and used my foot to smooth out the mound she'd made. In doing so, I discovered that she wasn't digging, she was burying. She'd pooped. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

Walk on the wild side

Sounds lovely

By arctic1 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend were heading back to her place. On the way there, she was rubbing and stroking me. When we got there, I asked her mom for a congrats hug. I forgot I had a hard on from my girlfriend. She felt it. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2020 05:02 - Germany - Emden

Triage

Today, I realised that Gmail has been sending lots of important messages directly into the spam folder, where I never saw them. All were from people who I had either contacted myself, or had regular contact with in the past. One address even had a filter on it, specifying, "Never send it to spam." FML

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By Happyforeverx - United Arab Emirates

Today, I kept restarting my internet, wondering why I wasn't receiving any messages from my friends. Then I realized they were all ignoring me. FML

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By ohtheshame

Today, I sent a kinky text message to my boyfriend. Within minutes I got a reply of 'whoever this is, fuck off and give my girlfriend's phone back.' Apparently I'm so bad at writing sexy messages that my boyfriend thought it was a prank from someone who'd stolen my phone. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ajax

Today, I had to call a parent and tell them that their special needs daughter is pregnant. FML

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By busmonster - United States - Alexandria

Today, I told my nephew to be careful when crossing the street in front of a bus because it might eat him. We then watched as a bus slowed down and stopped in front of a group of people. When the bus moved away, all the people were gone. My nephew is terrified, and won't stop crying. FML

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By Sean - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I found out my kids only remember my birthday because it's the password on the iPad. FML

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By crossfitter

Today, I decided to get in shape for swimsuit season, so I went to the gym. I tried to lift a barbell up and over my head, which was fine, until I dropped it. Exercise earned me a concussion and a neck brace. FML

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By Pop_Pies - Australia

Today, I had been working at the checkout for over 5 hours. Slighty tired while serving a customer, my eye accidentally twitched and I gave him a wink, he smiled and winked back. When I finished work 2 hours later he was outside, waiting for me, and followed me to my car, still smiling. FML

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By MedChew - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, my obsessive-compulsive mother barred me from using the toilet she had just cleaned. She told me to wait until tomorrow. FML

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By TooYoungForThis

Benjamin Button

Today, my father was helping me move into college. When we arrived, the students helping people move in mistook me for one of the parents. I’m 19. FML

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By mister_pinky - United States - Portland

Today, I returned to my teaching job at a local community college after surfing for the weekend. I'd got sunburned, one student immediately noticed and said to me, "Morning, Mr. Pinky!" Now they all do it. My students are assholes. I hate teaching. FML

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By MusicLover18 - Canada - Leduc

Today, I caught my little sister taking a selfie in the mirror with a fake nose piercing, peace sign, and a duck face. She's 12. FML

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By easilyexited - United States

Today, we were swimming in gym class. There are some cute girls in our class and they were wearing their bikinis. I was looking at them when I got an erection but since I was underwater I thought no one would see. I'm on the diving team so my teacher asked me to demonstrate a dive to the class. FML

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By itisobviouseinstein - United States - New York

Today, a bible toting evangelist on the street ambushed me and asked me what my religion was. I wear a hijab. FML

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By Mintspice

Today, a girl I've liked for months agreed to go to a movie. We were going to see Captain Marvel, but missed the show time, so we saw Five Feet Apart. Blessing in disguise, right? Wrong. She cried while holding my hand as she talked about how in love she is with another girl. FML

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By pipefitter28 - Canada - Vernon

Today, I tried to impress a girl at the gym on the squat rack, but let out a big fart. She was grossed out and laughed at me with her friends. Her boyfriend came over and told me I was a dead man, and I'd better leave. I'm now the proud owner of a year membership at a gym I can't go to. FML

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By that was mine - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my mom cleaned out my bank account, saying my "no-good dad" owes her child support and that she'll get it one way or another. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2021 00:30

Poor old Truffles

Today, my mom grabbed my iPhone and threw it from the balcony, because I didn’t cry on the fifth anniversary of our family dog’s death. FML

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By badbed - United Kingdom

Today, I had a friend over. We found my older brother's camera so decided to look through his photos but then we came across photos of him and his girlfriend having sex. We were laughing up until my friend decided to point out that they were having sex on my bed. FML

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By ASad17Yearold - 7/5/2021 03:59

The truth will out

Today, I've lied about my grades for three years of high school already and my mom thinks I'm a straight A student. I'm supposed to be going to college in a year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, my husband and I had some bath time to ourselves. After having sex, he decided to put bath salts in my vagina to spice things up for the next round. It's been twenty minutes out of the bath and it still feels like there are pop rocks in my vagina. FML

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By say no to dick - Australia - Newcastle

Sneaky dad

Today, I found out that my father faked his whole "mid-life crisis", just so he could gain my trust and get me to admit that I smoke weed, and to tell him who I buy it from. Hello year-long grounding. FML

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By Catremorse - United States - Centreville

Today, my cat was laying on my chest while I was in bed. I farted, which my closed legs seemed to amplify. My cat was so scared, she used me as a launching pad and cut my chest in three places with her claws. FML

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By piliseep - United States - Apex

Good Meowrning!

Today, at 6 am, I was suddenly jerked from the warm embraces of sleep by the smell of poo. I was very groggy and confused when my hand landed in something wet and cold. I turned on the light and was horrified to find that my kitten took a huge dump in my bed. It was everywhere. FML

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By bad dad

Today, trying to be a good co-parent, I asked my ex if he’d like to go to the circus with our kids and I. His new girlfriend of a whopping five days said it made her uncomfortable. He stood us up. FML

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By Anonymous

Invisible Woman

Today, I accidentally overslept and missed a morning breakfast at work, one I never get to have when it happens. Not only did my boss say nothing about me being absent, he even asked me if the food was good. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm sick with a stomach flu. For the last 5 hours, I've been going back and forth from the couch to the bathroom. Each time I get into the bathroom, I have to make a choice of whether to sit on the toilet or kneel by it. Each time I have to clean up the other mess. FML

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By Bribri - United States

Today, my mom's "hobby" of rescuing homeless people became very real. We now have 3 more people living in our house, and none of them have a sense of personal space. I wake up to their faces in my windows. Thanks mom. FML

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By shadokis - United States - Charlotte

Today, my 2-year-old cat finally decided to start catching mice. Like any other cat would, she left it for me to find. I found it in the middle of the night, as my bare foot rolled its guts out of its ass. FML

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By Julie is in pain - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I had eight teeth removed in preparation for getting my braces fitted. My winter break will now consists of barely being able to sleep or eat, tasting blood, and looking like a goofy-ass chipmunk. FML

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By thehaystackerine

Asshole Design

Today, I bought a slice of pizza at my favorite gas station. Upon opening the box, I found that the lone piece of pepperoni visible through the window on the box was in fact the only piece on the whole slice. FML

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By denting-and-venting - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found a parking spot in front of my work. I parked and another car pulled into the spot just in front of me. The next thing I know, the car in front backs up and slams into my car. Turns out she didn't notice the fire hydrant next to her spot and screamed at me cause I, "stole her spot." FML

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By FenRackety - Canada

Today, at work, I was trying to get the octopus out of its tank to transfer it to another one. It instantly latched to my face and sprayed ink all over me. My boss told me to stop playing with the animals. FML

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By Liz - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend had his phone taken away by his dad for this past week. I have been sending him naked photos and other naughty things this entire week, or so I thought. FML

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By ohhhjaymo13 - United States

Today, at work, I was told I was a failure. Feeling like crap, I went to my best friend to see if he could make me laugh. He told me that he felt obligated to hang out with me, so he thought that we shouldn't anymore. FML

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By morphea - France - Chantepie

Today, coming home, I discovered that my dog had left me a beautiful mound of poop in the middle of the corridor. He'd made an effort, though: there was a roll of shredded toilet paper next to it. FML

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By ChocoMilkManG - United States

Today, I found some Nesquick Chocolate Milk mix in my pantry which sounded good. While making a glass, I got angry because not all of the mix would disolve. Frustrated, I downed the drink. When I finished I looked in the glass and realized the mix that wouldn't disolve was actually tiny ants. FML

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By Stuck - United States

Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend after we went out for dinner. To my surprise, our families were also in the restaurant, to witness him propose to me. FML

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By pathetic - Australia

Today, it's Saturday night, and also Halloween. Instead of going out, I'm sitting at home on MSN telling everyone who asks me what I'm doing tonight that I'm 'going out in 10 minutes to a party', then when 10 minutes pass, I block them. FML

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Top comments

By aimeecuria | 9

#5565602 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:05

Someone needs to be potty trained :P

By izzie321 | 27

#5565616 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:10

YOU! Don't you sh*t in my tent...

COMMENTS

By aimeecuria | 9

#5565602 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:05

Someone needs to be potty trained :P

Reply

MrClean17 | 15

#5565657 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:30

Maybe she was just channeling her inner feline instincts

Reply

gloooooria | 14

#5565715 - Thursday 4 July 2013 17:13

She didn't go in her pants. I'd say she is trained.

Reply

KaitlynNeal | 13

#5565733 - Thursday 4 July 2013 17:23

Someone needs a leash

Reply

Jjimen1654 | 9

#5565781 - Thursday 4 July 2013 18:00

If she had the sense to make a whole and try to cover it up, id say shes more than potty trained.

Reply

lorraineald | 7

#5566208 - Friday 5 July 2013 1:56

She may not be house trained, but I'd say that she's litter trained.

By paigebona | 7

#5565606 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:06

Yo aimee

Reply

aimeecuria | 9

#5565610 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:07

Heyy babeee

Reply

Wizardo | 33

#5565622 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:12

If she seduces herself does that mean she's asexual?

By Wizardo | 33

#5565608 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:06

You threw yourself in the Shit Pit there my friend, should've looked before you stepped in it...

By vespergreen | 17

#5565609 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:07

You just discovered someone's treasure!

Reply

RodzillaX | 30

#5565730 - Thursday 4 July 2013 17:21

And one person's junk is another person's poop.

By flashback.miss | 28

#5565612 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:08

Hey, homemade manure! But, hopefully, you were able to clean it out best you could.

By izzie321 | 27

#5565616 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:10

YOU! Don't you sh*t in my tent...

Reply

RodzillaX | 30

#5565726 - Thursday 4 July 2013 17:19

You! Don't tell me what to do!

Reply

cathyfang1533 | 12

#5566374 - Friday 5 July 2013 4:47

You! I'll shit where I want to!

By team_cookies | 11

#5565617 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:10

I bet that's shitty

Reply

assassinbanana0 | 20

#5565850 - Thursday 4 July 2013 18:47

Your failure of a pun was shitty

Reply

emilyjgraham | 34

#5566054 - Thursday 4 July 2013 21:20

Why use the same pun to insult their pun?

Reply

xTwig | 10

#5566865 - Friday 5 July 2013 16:11

Wow you guys suck with puns.

By beatlesbaby12 | 9

#5565619 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:10

Litter box style! FYL dude.

By TwinkleToes7 | 15

#5565624 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:13

Haha awe maybe she just really had to go?

By cieloalicia | 16

#5565631 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:17

Did her family just not notice what she was doing?!

Reply

ElmoSaysSquishy | 28

#5565683 - Thursday 4 July 2013 16:46

Some parents don't seem to care what their kids get up to.

Reply

fluffycatsdad | 33

#5566488 - Friday 5 July 2013 7:00

Sad, but true!

Reply

scta | 13

#5566566 - Friday 5 July 2013 8:29

They were probably busy playing with their iPhones.