Miscellaneous: Today I remembered to put my work uniform in the wash; as I hit... - FML

By Going to work naked tomorrow - United Kingdom - Northallerton

Today I remembered to put my work uniform in the wash; as I hit start I got an email notification. My landlord confirmed that the engineer will be out to fix the washing machine tomorrow after my housemate reported it as broken. My clothes are locked in the machine that now won't turn on. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Fill her up

Ironic

By BrillianceSucks - Canada

Today, I had to give a 15-minute presentation for a conference. I hadn't had the time to write out a proper speech so I decided to just wing it. My sponsor liked my presentation so much he wants me to turn it into an article. Now if only I could remember what I said. FML

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By humdrummitydrum - United States

Today, my new doctor gave me a breast exam and said everything was healthy, before adding "Well, I think so, anyway. I don't actually work here." As I freaked out, he laughed out loud, said he was just kidding, and that he should prescribe me a chill pill. FML

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By sadgoblin

Today, the cashier at Walmart kept getting distracted and laughing hysterically while ringing up my items because she couldn’t get past how much I "look like a goblin". She then called her manager over, who agreed. FML

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By anonymous - France

Today, I told my best friend I was breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years. He thought it would be funny to tell her I was going to propose to her that night. She showed up telling me how much she loves me and that when we get married how great it will be. FML

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By ajdown - United Kingdom

Today, I have an eight hour transatlantic flight and the person sitting next to me has already filled his third sick bag. This wouldn't be quite so bad were we not still at the terminal with passengers still boarding the plane. FML

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By BodyElectric

Today, I was checking my kitten's neutering stitches when he farted so hard that a stray piece of cat shit shot out and hit me in the eye. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I tried to wake my boyfriend up to sex. When I went to touch his penis, he elbowed me in the face, mumbled an apology and began snoring again. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

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By Edgarillo - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, my hairdresser apologised because he couldn't distinguish the hair from the back of my head from the hair from my back. FML

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By wtfuraretard - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me over, all just to unclog his toilet. It was clogged because he put my phone in it while he was taking a dump to see if it would actually flush. FML

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By Monagro - United States - New York

Great plan. Solid.

Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me to propose by telling me that the sooner we get married, the sooner she'll get pregnant and hence the sooner we can eat the placenta. FML

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By Dafuq happen there - South Africa

Today, after a long silent and awkward pause after asking my girlfriend's dad if I can take her on holiday for Christmas, he looked me dead in the eyes and said "No, you may not impregnate my daughter." FML

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By Her - Canada - Montr?al

Today, the guy I've been dating for 3 months told me he doesn't know how he feels about me because he's not excited when we meet and doesn't miss me when we don't text for a while. He decides to tell me this while we're laying in bed right after having sex for the first time. FML

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By youmindyourownbusiness - United States - Genoa

Today, I walked past a few of my coworkers sitting outside smoking. As I got a whiff of the smoke, I coughed. They immediately started to defend their habit, and I was told to "mind my own fucking business." I wasn't trying to be rude; I'm actually allergic to cigarette smoke. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Glasgow

Today, I walked in on my dad singing along to a song on Sesame Street. He tried to divert attention from what I'd just witnessed by angrily grilling me over "just barging in" and not respecting people's privacy. Apparently he forgot that we were in the living room. FML

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By Carmen - United States

Today, I painted an area I had carefully sanded, cleaned, and taped off. I pulled a fan out of the closet to help dry it faster. I turned the fan on, and a million dust particles flew off onto the wet paint. FML

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By Chey1309 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I looked alright for our date. He said, "Honey, you look fine, just don't go out in public like that." FML

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By notyourcleaner - Malaysia - Puchong

Today, my new roommate puked into the sink and all over the bathroom floor, before passing out on her bed. Apparently, she was awake enough to wash her own face but not clean up her vomit. We share the bathroom. This is the second time already. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2021 17:00

He got game

Today, my son told me he's had 5 boyfriends and is currently working to improve himself before getting into another relationship. When I was his age, I was still single. My son has more game than I do. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, at school, everybody wanted to be my partner for a project. This surprised me because nobody ever wants to be with me. Turns out when I was absent, my teacher promised that whoever was my partner would get extra points on the project. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Noblesville

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head on the living room couch. Apparently his two cats didn't approve, and they started attacking my face. Luckily for him, since my boyfriend was holding my head down, his privates didn't get a scratch. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Beausoleil

Today, I came home from vacation, only to find my neighbours relaxing on my patio, and their kids swimming in my pool. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I bought a UV light so I could detect cat pee, since I was sure my cat was relieving herself on the carpet. I decided to try it out in the living room first. Nearly half the room lit up like a Christmas tree. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2020 20:00

Breaking Badly

Today, it was my first day as a pharm tech. Two hours into my shift, I came down with awful food poisoning, causing me to go to the restroom multiple times before eventually leaving. I'd filled multiple controlled substances today and can't help but think my coworkers are thinking I'm a drug addict. FML

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By BelleCharmante - United States

Today, I couldn't shut a drawer in my kitchen, because an oven mitt was blocking it. An oven mitt filled with tin-foil wrapped electronics. My Mom believes Internet hackers can get into her digital camera and prepaid cell phone, and apparently tin-foil will prevent that. FML

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By I guess not

Today, my boyfriend of three years asked me if I ever wanted to get married. I said yes. He said, 'But what happens if you never find a guy who likes you that much?' FML

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By thatsucks - United States

Today, I realized that my father's weekly unemployment check is more than my bi-weekly pay check. My full time job pays less than my father's unemployment. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I bought some new led under glow lights for underneath my car. I was putting them on when my dad came out, insisted on taking over, and then proceeded to break them. FML

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By cockfist - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I spent my first night at my boyfriend's place, and my first night sleeping beside him. I woke up in the early hours to him holding me and muttering in his sleep something like "surprise fisting". I'm beyond terrified. FML

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By WentInABush - United States - Portland

Today, while in my room on the computer, I had a sudden urge to pee. I got up to use the loo and started hearing some disturbing noises from inside. Apparently I was so quiet my parents thought I was gone and decided to have sex in the shower. It's been an hour and my bladder is about to burst. FML

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By nolove - Canada

Today, before going to bed my phone lit up and I got all excited because I thought it was a text message. My phone was finished charging. FML

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By ApparentlyEmo - United States

Today, my mom called asking for advice on how to flirt with her personal trainer. I thought she was joking and asked her what Dad would think. Turns out they're getting divorced. They decided this three weeks ago. No one told me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while playing with a lighter, I jokingly told my boyfriend I would burn his mustache off. He responded by telling me he would burn off mine. FML

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By Charlie8u347 - United States

Snow day

Today, I was told to shovel four inches of snow from my driveway. I had to get the snow shovel from the rafters of my garage, and there were other tools with it. As I was yanking the shovel down, a pickax fell and smashed through the back window of my dad's Buick. FML

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By what people do for money - United States - Houston

Today, I was helping out at my church. At lunchtime, a really cute guy my age walked over and told me I was pretty. I was flattered, until I turned around and saw his annoyed buddies handing him several dollar bills. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, changing the garbage in the bathroom at work resulted in a hospital visit after an incorrectly disposed used needle scraped into my thigh. FML

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By Teacher - United States - Phoenix

Martha Lucy Queen Jr.

Today, I asked students to identify a woman that made a difference in history. I got several people answering Martin Luther King Jr. These are 9th graders. FML

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By tandc - United States

Today, in a rush to squeeze out of a particularly tight parking spot, I made a hurried 12-point turn. Just to make sure I had enough room behind, I hopped out of my car. It was still in reverse. I managed to wreck my own car without even sitting in it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lansdowne

Today, I'm warning you: never spoon naked with your girlfriend after eating taco bell. The shartpocalypse just might begin in her ass and end on your stomach. FML

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By sarahwittman - United States

Today, my aunt and I went shopping. When we got to the store, she said she forgot her wallet, and I told her I would buy some things for her. When we were at the checkout, I was a dollar short. She said, "Oh, I'll get it!" and pulled out her wallet. FML

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Top comments

By 97mailo | 17

#7736020 - Tuesday 11 December 2018 5:19

I hate this font

By RichardPencil | 30

#7736030 - Tuesday 11 December 2018 6:13

An engineer? Don’t you mean a repairman or a technician? Having an engineer do the work would cost more than a new machine!

You should break open the door to get your uniform out. While they’re fixing the original problem, they can also fix the broken door.

COMMENTS

By 97mailo | 17

#7736020 - Tuesday 11 December 2018 5:19

I hate this font

By Firestar268 | 24

#7736023 - Tuesday 11 December 2018 5:47

Looks like something I wrote in elementary School

By PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7736028 - Tuesday 11 December 2018 5:58

Had to load up the website to figure out why everyone was complaining about the font. So glad my app doesn't do this.

Reply

Shawnie Gallant | 24

#7736138 - Tuesday 11 December 2018 12:18

My app did it.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7736030 - Tuesday 11 December 2018 6:13

An engineer? Don’t you mean a repairman or a technician? Having an engineer do the work would cost more than a new machine!

You should break open the door to get your uniform out. While they’re fixing the original problem, they can also fix the broken door.

By crsyldy | 19

#7736060 - Tuesday 11 December 2018 8:19

Very difficult to read, way too small

By Ishvah | 15

#7736066 - Tuesday 11 December 2018 8:53

Time to call in sick.

By Calilady | 10

#7736067 - Tuesday 11 December 2018 8:54

This font sucks

By SirChris | 17

#7736083 - Tuesday 11 December 2018 10:07

Normaly this is just a magnetic look which opens automatically after a while if there is no power. No magic needed if it isnt the look which is broken.

By silentbabydeer | 10

#7736105 - Tuesday 11 December 2018 10:54

Why would you use this font? It’s way too small to read.

Reply

Shawnie Gallant | 24

#7736211 - Tuesday 11 December 2018 13:45

The site picks

By Kellie Hickey | 3

#7736141 - Tuesday 11 December 2018 12:22

How about using a font people can actually read