Transportation: Today, I really had to use the airplane lavatory. After I'd finished,...

By yerbuagalapagos wonder - Ecuador

Today, I really had to use the airplane lavatory. After I'd finished, the flight attendants continuously sprayed air freshener for two minutes. FML

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Transportation

Late term

Basic Instinct

Bigmouth Strikes Again

By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 20:00

Stuck in a rut

Today, I realised my wife has been slowly phasing out most elements of our previously active and inventive sex life. These days, it's missionary once a month or she tells me to whack one off by myself in the bathroom. When did we get so boring? FML

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By garfield749 - United States

Today, I discovered that I have to share a room with my new stepbrother. I also discovered that he takes the same number of showers over the course of two weeks as I do in a single day: one. FML

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30036

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my daughter lighting candles around one of her friends, who'd fallen asleep while her other friends chanted something in a different language. They still won't tell me what they were doing. FML

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53791

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By Eeeek - Bulgaria

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex in a rarely used room at school. We got carried away and found ourselves locked in. We slept there overnight. We woke up when the cleaning lady found us the next morning and were greeted by worried parents and school staff. FML

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14081

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By permanently scarred

Today, I was assaulted and knocked out by a girl at school for talking to her boyfriend. I woke up in the emergency room. After she knocked me unconscious, she took a knife and carved her initials into my face. FML

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4737

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By fired - United States

Today, my boss was being a total asshole. While in the bathroom, he turned his back on me, so I gave him the finger, mouthed obscenities, and pantomimed stabbing him with a knife. He was looking in the mirror and saw everything. FML

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10176

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a breast exam. I'd never had one before, but assumed it would be quick and easy. I had no idea how ticklish my boobs are. I burst out in uncontrollable laughter and kept instinctively jerking away. FML

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44936

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By nextcontestant16 - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by waking him up with a blowjob, because he had always told me that it was a sexy fantasy of his. When he finally woke up, he got pissed off, rudely accused me of interrupting his beauty sleep, then soundly lay back down and fell asleep again. FML

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40816

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By Username - United States

Today, the lease on my house ended and I finished moving in with my girlfriend. After everything was moved in, she broke up with me. Hello homelessness. FML

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43560

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was putting up Christmas lights, my younger brother wouldn't stop pestering me. It seems he hadn't forgotten the time I gave myself an electric shock last year, and he wanted to see if I'd do it again. FML

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25136

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a spray tan for homecoming. While I was dancing, I got really sweaty and the spray tan rubbed off on the guy's white tux. FML

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10813

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By justmeagain

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She sent me a link to a story online about a woman who abused her dog to the point of death and I didn’t vomit while reading it. According to her, that makes me a “heartless monster.” FML

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2576

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239

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By Kelly

Today, my mom dropped me off at a friend's house. Upon leaving, my friend's mom said how much I looked like my mother. My mother then replied, "That's funny, she was adopted." This was the first I'd heard of this. FML

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2251

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134

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By Clunker - United States

Today, as I was driving with my boyfriend, he pointed out what a crappy car I drive. About how the locks don't work, the vents are broken, the windshield wipers are busted, my headlights aren't bright, and a hubcap is missing. Then he said I’m a good match for my car, 'cos we have the same “personality". FML

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33827

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By badgrandchild - United States

Today, my phone rang while I was home alone. When I picked up, all I could hear was heavy breathing. Convinced it was one of my friends playing a joke, I said loudly, "Get off the phone, you fucker, and don't call back!" It turned out it was my grandma. She had been having a stroke. FML

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43503

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By DepressedCellist

Today, my boyfriend and I had band practice for our duo. I've been playing cello for almost a year and wanted to incorporate it. He picked it up for pretty much the first time and sounded surprisingly good. I was excited until I realized he sounded better than me. FML

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2442

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487

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By Space†Witch

Today, I'm working a photography gig for a very prominent metal band. The doorman asked me for my I.D, which I happily obliged. I am 27, however I look like I'm still in my mid to late teens. He will not let me in, even with my I.D, and the band that hired me won't answer their phones. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2977

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183

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By smbcolorado - United States

Today, my husband sent an email invite to his family about our daughter's upcoming birthday. Upon reading the email, his aunt clicked "reply all" while emailing her husband and said, "I'd rather say we're out of town than see that dumb bitch our nephew calls his wife." FML

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40679

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By Detroitman125

Today, my name was left off of the program at our band concert. I would have been fine with this if it wasn't the third time in a row that this has happened. Yes, I did show them each time. FML

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2700

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121

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By LiLGeek - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking for our bubblegum flavored "numbing" lotion to have some morning fun. We couldnt find it anywhere. After about 10 minutes, my little nephew comes from my room crying and drool coming out of his mouth. He smelt like bubblegum, his mouth and tongue were all numb. FML

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36472

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By wantedphantom

Today, I was at the lake with my family. I was drinking from a can of soda but didn't realize a bee flew into the can. I didn't swallow it, but I now have Kylie Jenner's lips. FML

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11728

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By Fluffy

Thanks, honey.

Today, I noticed that I've been gaining some weight. Don't worry, my boyfriend doesn't mind. His new favorite thing is putting my boobs on his head and saying he feels "safe". FML

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4562

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By Foxy0706 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I finally told my boyfriend I have a medical condition that makes me grow an unusual amount of hair on my face, so I shave every day. He said he was leaving me because he refuses to be with a "bearded lady". FML

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29027

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By jeph23 - United States

Today, after picking up my 6 year old from school, he says, "Drew said his dad could beat you up." I told him that he needs to respect his own father more and stand up for me! I get home, look up his class roster and low and behold, Drew's dad beat me up in Jr. High. FML

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35193

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By lyssthemiss - United States - Joliet

Today, I was taking a bath after a long day at work. I closed my eyes and listened to music. My cat thought this was the perfect time to come out of his hiding spot and jump in the bath. Once he realized it was filled with water, he freaked out and dug his claws into my face. FML

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25649

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By Anonymous - United States - Rocky Point

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend doggy-style. I was getting close when he suddenly blurts out, "Babe, you really need to bleach your asshole." FML

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36761

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By quietsleeper - United States

Today, my new girlfriend told me I don't snore when I sleep. Which is funny, since during the last year of my marriage, my ex-wife would make me sleep on the couch because my loud snoring kept her up. FML

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37367

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By anonymous - United States

Today, a hot girl got into the elevator just as I took a bite out of my Three Musketeers bar. I instinctively smiled at her and chocolate drool poured out of my mouth. FML

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29334

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By Anonymous

Alexa, play "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy

Today, I was yelled at and fired by my boss. He claimed that I've been sleeping with his wife. I've never met his wife. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Warren

Today, my mother and I were discussing how we couldn't believe it's been nearly a year since my dad died. Not paying attention, my husband absentmindedly added, "Time flies when you're having fun." FML

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48736

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By Anonymous - United States - Marietta

Today, I told my dad about my new diet. He somehow figured I was only doing it to look more attractive to guys, because he told me my weight is fine and that it's just my personality that needs work. Thanks a lot, Dad. FML

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11327

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By accidentalslut - United States

Today, I met a hot guy at a club and we really hit it off. We went back to his place and we got down to business. After, I noticed he had an iPod Touch on his nightstand. I complimented him on it and he responded with, "Yeah, my girlfriend gave it to me as an anniversary present." FML

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22039

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By Anonymous

He's still got it

Today, my dad got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML

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1600

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By Lizofsmeg - United States

Today, I was at my new boyfriend's flat. As I came out of the toilet he walked over, took my hand, looked at me and whispered, "You washed your hands. Good." in an extremely creepy manner. FML

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23120

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, it was my birthday. I only got one message, from my dad, which was a sexual image meant for my mother. FML

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47811

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By - 5/11/2020 23:03

Crashtony Cartano here

Today, my husband sped my car up to 80 in a 30, and almost crashed, which would have killed us both. What did I do to set him off? I played a song he didn't like. FML

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913

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124

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By Ellen - United States

Today, I learned that you should always make sure the car is in 'park' before you get it on wildly in it. FML

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7234

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By Stuckinbed - 19/3/2020 21:00

Hippity hoppity

Today, after I'd had hip surgery, my sister thought it would be hilarious to hide my crutches from me. I can't find them. FML

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1733

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By Pixie - United States - Mckenna

Today, I was asked if the reason I didn't like the new male massage therapist was because I was no longer the most muscular person in the spa. I'm a 5'4 woman and I don't work out. FML

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5786

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By Anonymous - United States - Marion

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. She pulled down my trousers, saw my Poke-ball boxers, and absolutely lost it. I had to lie next to her in bed for the next 10 minutes hearing her howl with laughter while crying "Dickachu, I choose you!" FML

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Top comments

By FeelMuchBetter | 0

#26000 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 6:24

#1 - a cuckold is a man that has been cheated on by his wife.

By 9brggz1vboyqhb0 | 0

#455 - Saturday 7 February 2009 5:32

Sounds like me after Taco Bell night.

COMMENTS

By TC_fml | 0

#452 - Saturday 7 February 2009 4:19

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

theice | 0

#978188 - Sunday 11 April 2010 23:33

win

danyfuckinheatle | 0

#1049947 - Wednesday 30 June 2010 8:19

I'm guessing a massive shit!!! atta bee

Firewielder | 17

#6038454 - Friday 15 August 2014 17:28

In not sure you should be proud of that.

cacheson | 41

#6726490 - Friday 23 December 2016 9:19

#1, you should really get that checked out! Excessive flatulence can be a sign if intestinal dysfunction...

By 9brggz1vboyqhb0 | 0

#455 - Saturday 7 February 2009 5:32

Sounds like me after Taco Bell night.

By greenman_fml | 0

#469 - Saturday 7 February 2009 7:09

there's nothing better than a good man-shit. i hope you got some of it on the floor and your hands.

zac12345 | 0

#948626 - Monday 15 March 2010 5:21

op is a girl

gabobi91 | 19

#1195676 - Friday 6 August 2010 0:31

OP's a girl though...

wiggz1990 | 0

#1197837 - Friday 6 August 2010 10:12

greenman ur a fuckin moron and all ur comments are stupid and worthless just like ur pic

By FeelMuchBetter | 0

#26000 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 6:24

#1 - a cuckold is a man that has been cheated on by his wife.

By AtoZnumbersand_ | 1

#77783 - Thursday 2 April 2009 21:57

LOL

By roboticfresca | 0

#386995 - Saturday 11 July 2009 11:21

lol, fucked it is, but poop it is too

By XtommyschickX | 0

#636147 - Saturday 24 October 2009 15:04

hahahaha wow that's terrible

By Wsupduck | 0

#639126 - Monday 26 October 2009 5:50

what did u eat lol

By Trevv | 0

#783327 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 2:36

Dude you should be proud! Not many people have that type of supreme shitting ability...

By toaster468 | 0

#966449 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 0:27

well think, a fat person eats more which in turn equals MORE SHIT. lol I would be proud my little gopher (poop) stunk up the back five rows! :)