Today, I realized my best friend has had it off in my apartment... - FML

By paradox - 7/2/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, I realized my best friend has had it off in my apartment more times than I have. FML

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In my day…

Headache

Gratitude walks

By Anonymous - 14/8/2020 02:01

Medicare for all, please

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my 6 ovarian cyst rupture. The pain meds have already worn off and my vag hurts. I also had my gallbladder removed last June, and my right ovary removed last January. The staff here remember me. Most expensive friends I've ever had. FML

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By bipbip - 12/11/2008 07:53 - France

Today, at work, I received an email telling me that viewing porn websites was prohibited and was a good enough reason to fire me. FML

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By Ash - 27/5/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I saw this tourist almost get hit by a cab. After he walked away I complained to my boyfriend about how idiotic people like him just deserve to die. After 5 blocks of my ranting the tourist turns around and says "I'm right in front of you bitch." I hid behind my laughing boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2016 12:09 - Netherlands

Today, on WhatsApp, I jokingly said, "I have been a naughty furry, I need spanking" in a group chat with all my friends. They had a good time laughing their asses off, not only because of the text, but because I put it in a group that included my boss and all of my colleagues. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2013 20:50 - United States

Today, wanting to do something nice for my dad, I mowed the lawn. He grounded me for "emasculating" him. FML

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By YouAREthefather - 18/3/2010 16:48 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store, holding hands with his very pregnant girlfriend. They were buying baby supplies. We had a very nasty and painful breakup not even three months ago. FML

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By swana99 - 4/9/2013 20:39 - United States - Woburn

Today, I went to my first class of the year. The first thing the teacher said was, "I hate this f*cking school." FML

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By Allergic - 24/1/2012 17:31 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife purposely eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to get out of kissing me. I'm deathly allergic to peanuts. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2010 21:44 - United States

Today, while in class, I noticed that someone had really bad B.O. I was seated next to an extremely ill-mannered girl, so I figured it was her, and thought to myself that if it happened again, I'd tell her off. Once I got home and took off my jacket, I realized it was me. I forgot to put on deodorant. FML

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By SydIsPrettyCool - 4/8/2011 05:44 - United States

Today, my pet fish died because my drunk father microwaved it. FML

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By catlady - 1/3/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, my cat was in the bathroom when I was undressing to get into the shower. I realized that he was the only male to have seen me naked in the past two months. Then he started scratching the door for me to let him out. FML

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By secenteenmagazine. - 22/2/2009 06:34 - Canada

Today, I was happy because my exact shirt and sweater were in seventeen magazine. They were in the "what not to wear" category. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2011 14:14 - United States

Today, for my birthday, instead of a cake, my friends surprised me with a castle mainly made out of bacon. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I fucking hate bacon. FML

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By maddie - 27/12/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were at dinner with his parents when he discreetly slid his hand up my skirt and tickled me. This caused me to kick his dad's recently broken leg. FML

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By Debbie - 23/2/2009 14:16 - United States

Today, I drove to a job interview. I had to sneeze, but because I was driving on the highway, I didn't let go of the wheel to cover my mouth. I didn't know the sneeze was a "productive" one until I was sitting in the interview, looked down at my new blouse and saw the giant lugie sitting there. FML

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By Rakayla - 29/6/2019 12:03 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, after finally asking my crush for his number, and telling him the reason being he's the only friend whose number I don't have, he laughed, then asked, "Why would I ever be your friend?" FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, I decided to snack on some MandM's. I saw my dog sniffing something and realized one of my MandM's had fallen on the floor. To prevent my dog from eating the chocolate, I hurriedly snatched the MandM off the ground and ate it. When I bit down, I realized it wasn't an MandM. It was a dead beetle. FML

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By insomnia - 22/12/2011 15:23 - United States

Today, I was at work handling the cash register. It wasn't working correctly, so I apologized to the woman I was waiting on for the delay and explained, "The cash register's being a little retarded today." Then I noticed her clearly "special" adult son standing behind her. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 02:00

Alexa, play "Confusion" by New Order

Today, I found out my husband has been telling everyone he doesn't want a baby. He has been telling me he does. We have been trying for months. I'm now pregnant and confused. FML

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By Tim - 7/8/2011 02:49 - United States

Today, I found that there is nothing worse than coming home to a snake slithering across your kitchen floor. Except when it disappears into your cabinets. FML

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By tryscal - 12/7/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, I was attempting to teach a bunch of 2nd and 5th graders on why it's so important to face your fears and try your best. It was going pretty well, until I was attacked by a pair of butterflies. I am afraid of butterflies - I ran away screaming like a little girl. FML

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By MaddyN - 8/7/2014 04:26 - United States - Forest Grove

Today, I almost got fired from work because a customer complained that I "threw up gang signs" at him. I was blocking the sun from my eyes. FML

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By scarredforlife - 8/8/2009 01:34 - United States

Today, it was my mom's birthday, I planned to wish her a happy birthday as she woke up. I opened the door to her room only to see my dad dancing around in an American flag thong. Grimacing in pain I closed the door right away. Not only am I forever disturbed, but now my dad is asking me how he looks naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 00:27 - United States

Today, I found a surveillance camera in my room. FML

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By Emily - 7/6/2020 20:08

What's the point?

Today, whilst doing training as a mental health nurse, our glorified pineapple of a lecturer told us that trying to stop patients wanting to commit suicide isn't a possibility. So, what the hell are we training for? FML

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By Crappyfayman - 23/2/2010 02:46 - United States

Today, someone gave me a note to pass along to a girl in class. The note had the girl's name surrounded by hearts. When I gave it to her, she assumed it was a love note from me, and said "Not in a million years, fat ass" before I could say it was from someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2011 17:13 - United States

Today, I walked into my elderly grandmother's trailer, used the bathroom and went to wash my hands. She had a soft spot in the floor that she covered with a bathmat. I fell through. Right leg up to my hip in the floor, boobs stuck on the counter. My husband and grandmother stood there laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, I got a call from the Hollister manager yelling at me for not showing up for work that night. I was never informed I got the job. I missed my first day of work. FML

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By saintmichi - 1/2/2010 00:21 - Poland

Today, after a 9 hour train journey through the Polish mountains, I mistook a small black and white cat for a penguin. FML

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By Sady_Ct - 15/5/2019 12:12

Be careful what you wish for…

Today, I caught my husband trying on the sexy bra I bought to wear just for him. For shits and giggles, I made him try on my dress too. He looked better in it than I do. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2011 21:37 - United Kingdom

Today, while putting a drip in the back of an elderly patient's hand, he commented that he didn't realise doctors had pierced nipples, but not to worry because he's only in the hospital "for the b*tches". FML

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By Pavlov Dog - 3/2/2018 19:00

Today, I "woofed" at a man on a gay dating site before realizing he's my Psych professor. Now during every lecture I'll never forget his nipples are pierced. FML

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By negativesoup - 10/11/2016 18:44

Today, I was eating chicken noodle soup for my lunch. It was perfect until the last bite when it went down the wrong pipe. Choking, I coughed up what I'd already eaten. In front of my coworkers, and all over myself. FML

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By Noca - 23/3/2009 01:02 - United States

Today, I was eating with my boyfriend and his family at a high-end restaurant when, suddenly, I screamed, thinking a dog had just bitten my leg. I am terrified of dogs. I kicked my under-the-table assailant as hard as I could. It was my boyfriend's adorable five-year-old sister. FML

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By lice - 28/3/2009 13:34 - United States

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend I went into his shower to freshen up. Where I saw an open bottle of pubic lice shampoo. FML

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By Ferniferousfern - 2/3/2018 15:00

Today, I went to the dentist for a tooth extraction. Not only were they not able to extract all of it, but after 7 injections, I was still screaming. The best part? Their referral to someone else fell through, so I head back tomorrow to finish the job. FML

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By Jonas - 6/6/2012 05:00 - United States - Wimberley

Today, I realized my paranoia is really bad when I saw my coworker holding a knife and immediately began thinking of ways to keep him from stabbing me. I work in a restaurant kitchen. FML

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By inappropes - 8/7/2019 14:00

Start your Monday with a Song!

Today, I came into work early to clean equipment, with my headphones on, singing to myself. I lost track of time, and wound up with the entire office watching me belt tunes out. FML

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By kiwibox - 26/10/2013 01:50 - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, my dog had an upset stomach and diarrhea. To avoid a mess on the carpet, I confined her to a gated area in the kitchen with sheets over the floor, so any mess could be cleaned up easily. Instead of going on the sheets, she sprayed shit all up the walls. FML

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By meach - 6/8/2011 04:58 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of a bad haircut. She was the one who cut my hair. FML

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Top comments

By flushmeoutnow | 0

#505 - Saturday 7 February 2009 14:43

then start having sex in your apartment and then you can quit bitching about it
this is like a wake up call bro if your best friend has fucked in your apartment
and you haven't, it's your god telling you to grow some balls and bring your
girl home and fuck like their is no tommorow

By Mbpiratedude | 0

#2317 - Sunday 15 February 2009 10:46

I have the same problem... ehh.

COMMENTS

By flushmeoutnow | 0

#505 - Saturday 7 February 2009 14:43

then start having sex in your apartment and then you can quit bitching about it
this is like a wake up call bro if your best friend has fucked in your apartment
and you haven't, it's your god telling you to grow some balls and bring your
girl home and fuck like their is no tommorow

Reply

Darcon | 8

#2697434 - Friday 17 June 2011 1:14

Precisely, and if you cannot manage that, at least fuck a doll and play an audio of a girl moaning in the background. Problem solved.

Reply

ThatGuyInClass | 5

#5632301 - Sunday 18 August 2013 3:22

PREACH IT MAN

By archviewmx | 0

#727 - Sunday 8 February 2009 22:28

You must beeee the Duff...

By Mbpiratedude | 0

#2317 - Sunday 15 February 2009 10:46

I have the same problem... ehh.

By Eir_fml | 1

#4212 - Friday 20 February 2009 2:40

I wouldn't let a friend of mine do that in my apartment unless he was my roommate or something and I couldn't really help it.

By James_ | 0

#4481 - Friday 20 February 2009 20:04

I have more sex than my friend in his appartment... in his bed. Make a big mess everytime

By mindless_fml | 0

#8086 - Thursday 26 February 2009 23:32

Does he live there?

By super_sooshi | 0

#40035 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 13:29

So have sex in his apartment.

By Water_fml | 0

#49253 - Sunday 22 March 2009 4:30

^ Unless you guys live in the same apartment...

By dan81892 | 2

#120614 - Saturday 18 April 2009 1:17

at least you're getting some...

By Danielcremeans | 0

#268079 - Friday 5 June 2009 2:40

You need to get laid more! LOL