Today, I opened my email expecting to see messages from my friends...

By Anonymous - 1/5/2009 18:36 - United States

Today, I opened my email expecting to see messages from my friends and family wishing me a happy birthday, but there were none. There were Happy Birthday messages from Pizza Hut and Victoria's Secret, however. FML

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Miscellaneous

Serious times

How's your hovel?

Great guy

By Nikki - 3/8/2009 13:26 - United States

Today, I was baby sitting my little cousin when we decided to go outside and have a "treasure hunt" in the backyard. The first thing we found? The bones of her pet dog that had passed away four years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2020 08:09

Caring

Today, I was rummaging about in the pantry. When I turned to walk away, the heavy pantry door fell off, struck me in the back of the head, and the wood surrounding the doorknob cracked. When my mom came home, she accused me of "property damage." FML

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By storyteller - 4/10/2016 16:29 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I noticed I've been an Amazon Prime member for 2 years and never knew. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2016 11:13 - United Kingdom - London

Today, an attention seeking weirdo who thinks she's my friend asked me who was going to be the maid of honour at my wedding. Knowing what she was really asking, I said I just want a small, non-fancy wedding with no bridesmaids. She broke down into a sobbing mess in front of me. FML

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By oneillrox - 3/11/2011 20:06 - United States

Today, I took my cat to the vet for an x-ray. They found three dollar coins in his stomach. The surgery to remove them is $600. FML

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By badmom - 30/1/2018 19:00

Today, I was told that I was a terrible mother, I was ruining my daughter’s life and that I was raising her to be promiscuous. Why? Because I'd painted my 2-year-old’s fingernails. FML

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By Oli974 - 22/10/2015 13:08 - France - N?ves-parmelan

Today, it's job interview day. In the elevator on the way there, I overheard potential candidates talking about the boss of the company, mocking his alleged lack of credibility. Who's the boss? Me. They don't know that yet. FML

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By kacie smith - 16/9/2012 12:36 - United States - Youngsville

Today, my husband and I bought a new swing for our front porch. We put it together and sat down to enjoy our accomplishment. 5 minutes into our swing I threw up several times. I have really bad motion sickness, and apparently a swing is no exception. FML

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By roadbikemama - 25/10/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I was cooking. I leaned over the stove to preheat the oven, and burned my nipple on a pot of boiling water. I also have a teething son who is breastfeeding. FML

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By dwhite032 - 6/6/2011 07:06 - United States

Today, I woke up to my Playstation 3 and my laptop missing and window open. My dad faked a robbery to see me freak out. FML

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By caterinette - 27/11/2014 02:04 - Portugal

Today, it was my turn to open the bar I work at. As I walked into our terrace, I found our insane upstairs neighbour leaving the scene without a word. This was right before I spotted the steaming pile of dung she'd left behind. FML

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By Crunchy - 19/4/2009 21:52 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. Everything was going really well until I noticed a bug on my interviewer's lower neck. I shouted that something really disgusting was crawling on him. It turns out it was his big hairy mole. FML

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By Luke - 7/11/2011 14:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that if you are being mugged, never tell your mugger you are going to call the police because he will come back and steal your phone too. FML

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By newbornphotog - 3/5/2016 13:20 - Germany - Berchtesgaden

Today, I finally realized I've spent the last 6 years building a business I hate. FML

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By Rari - 9/6/2016 16:04 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I broke up with my fiancé after he cheated on me, and he now refuses to move out of the apartment. I'm even contemplating just offering him my Xbox One as a bribe so I can get him out of my life for good. FML

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By CombatShadow45 - 25/11/2009 22:39 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of three years on a romantic picnic to the park, so I could propose to her. The moment was just right, I made my move. I knelt down on one knee and asked her. Her response was "you're kneeling in dog poop." I looked down. She was right. FML

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By jacie - 18/11/2018 15:30

Today, I tried on a pair of pants in a dressing room and they didn’t fit. However, my period came suddenly and left a massive bloodstain, so I had to buy them anyway. In case you’re wondering, the pants were white, the cashier was male and cute, and he definitely noticed. FML

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By beka - 7/1/2019 12:00

Today, after our housing offer was accepted, I told my parents. The only response was, “That’s a much nicer house than I had when I got married, I hope you can afford furniture.” Thanks mom. FML

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By feelthesting - 6/7/2015 22:26 - Mexico - Aguascalientes

Today, I found out that my "mosquito bite" was in fact a jellyfish sting I got in Mexico, which has caused me to break out into horrendous hives in the airport waiting for the flight home. It's okay though, the plane is only delayed for 7 hours. FML

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By thecasbah - 6/10/2010 13:58 - Norway

Today, I quit my job as a barista for one of our competitors with a couple of bucks more an hour. Two hours after I'd handed in my resignation, my boss approached me just to let me know that if I hadn't resigned, I would've been offered my own café. FML

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By kiken.bara - 6/1/2013 08:17 - United States

Today, I found out that I was pregnant and sent a picture of the positive test to my boyfriend. Before I got a text back from him, I got his newly updated Facebook status that read "This has got to be the most depressing day of my life." FML

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By buttcrack - 18/2/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I got fired. To make things worse, I had to sit in three-hour bumper to bumper traffic, waiting for a wreck to clear on my way home. In front of me was a fat man with a hairy butt crack on a motorcycle. I was forced to stare at a fat, underwear-less man's ass for 3 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2013 01:47 - Australia

Today, I took my driver's test. I did everything flawlessly, but my examiner kept all but pissing his pants throughout. He yelled, "ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US KILLED?!" when I drove past a traffic light just as it was about to turn red. The road was almost empty. He failed me on the spot. FML

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By I warned him - 19/12/2014 02:39 - United States - Marietta

Today, I beat my boyfriend in a video game. He promptly dumped me and told me to leave. FML

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By Porter_Robinson - 30/4/2013 08:50 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I sent a girl a friendly conversation starter on Facebook. She replied, "I know what you guys are like. Oh, and that invitation to a date in about 5 messages time? Not a chance." FML

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By "daddyrobyn" - 18/12/2018 13:30

Today, my aunt informed me that my cousin's only problem with his girlfriend is that she's not me. FML

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By Immaculatedream - 27/7/2013 07:56 - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after 4 perfectly happy years together. The reason? He had a dream in which his dead former girlfriend from when he was 13 told him she still loved him. He now believes his dead childhood sweetheart is trying to contact him and I'm "in the way of their love." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2019 02:00

Today, my son walked in on me masturbating. Now, whenever I don't do whatever he wants, he blackmails me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2011 23:49 - United States

Today, while skiing on Mammoth Mountain, a man dressed in an Easter Bunny costume snowboarded into me and sent me flying. Not only did he hurt my wrist, he also threw an Easter egg at me, yelled "Happy Easter", and snowboarded away. FML

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28945

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By WOWBear - 5/6/2013 09:46 - United States - Mesa

Today, a deaf customer came to my work. In an attempt to connect with him I introduced myself in sign language. He just rolled his eyes and pointed at my name tag. FML

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By Jims - 29/4/2011 14:00 - Singapore

Today, the only person who wished me a happy birthday is the policeman who checked my identity card for being "suspiciously gangster-like". FML

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By FIM - 12/1/2017 15:18

Today, in response to a text asking if I wanted to meet for brunch, I wrote, "Oh dear god I'm so hungover I could die and I'm still in my same clothes from last night. Not a chance." It was our 5-year college reunion and the number I sent that to was actually an old professor, not an old friend. FML

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By Anonymos_fmler - 21/10/2014 00:38 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I was shopping when a woman stopped me and asked me what lipgloss I was wearing because my lips looked gorgeous. I had to explain to her it was just the grease from the Slim Jim I had just eaten. FML

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By beatricesank - 23/5/2009 14:03 - Canada

Today, I was straightening my hair when I heard this crunching, sizzling sound. Taking the flat iron away, I realized that I had just fused a spider to my hair with the heat. FML

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By Boyufd - 15/10/2019 02:00

Too late

Today, I bought a replacement ID after weeks looking for my old one and not finding it. When I got home, my brother said he'd found my ID. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2019 00:01

Today, my boyfriend tried to use his “grief” at the death of a coworker to get butt sex, even though I know for a fact he didn’t like the guy that much, and just last week wished for the guy to get hit by a bus. Pretty despicable way to try get back door access if you ask me. FML

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By dez - 16/10/2016 05:05 - United States - Louisville

Today, I asked a customer to send me via e-mail the image he wanted me to print. He said, "I don't have an email, I have a Gmail." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2014 16:30

Today, my roommate pranked me by putting blue food coloring in the shower head. I have class in 20 minutes and look like a smurf. FML

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By toughbf - 27/9/2011 08:28 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend asked me to beat him up so he could look tough around his friends. When I just stared at him, he added, "Please don't break anything though. Nothing too serious." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2010 19:59 - Canada

Today, my ex-girlfriend was having lunch with my parents. Believing she was in love with me and feeling the same, I dropped by. My parents told me that she’s their friend and that she has a boyfriend that they approve of, all while telling me I was never good enough for her. FML

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Top comments

By depechemode | 0

#160703 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:54

You are on a pizza hut mailing list?

I think I've found the real fml here.

By lolololcheese | 0

#160692 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:52

Happy birthday from random strangers on the internet!

COMMENTS

By BrandNewKadillak | 0

#160674 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:48

Happy birthday!

By Derick_Z | 0

#160676 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:48

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

By squeaksx24 | 0

#160691 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:52

Ouch. Happy birthday, though!

By lolololcheese | 0

#160692 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:52

Happy birthday from random strangers on the internet!

slientRequiem | 0

#1241605 - Saturday 14 August 2010 21:29

lol win!

By wowfmlife | 0

#160702 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:54

Happy birthday!!!

Well most people don't use email much anymore so that might be the problem..

sexybeastwon | 0

#1170457 - Sunday 1 August 2010 11:08

Bo burnham is awsome its a Klan cookout Klan cookout

By depechemode | 0

#160703 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:54

You are on a pizza hut mailing list?

I think I've found the real fml here.

FUrlife95 | 0

#1953375 - Tuesday 11 January 2011 4:59

That, is a win
haha

By foreverisabelx3 | 0

#160708 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:56

HAPPY BIRTHDAY =]

By ceexaeexess | 0

#160716 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:58

haha #6.....texting and facebook have taken over the job of e-mail...but happy birthday anyway

By Kiriel | 2

#160723 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:59

I hope your birthday gets better as it goes on, have a good day, we're all wishing you well ^_^

By adelaide_evening | 0

#160728 - Saturday 2 May 2009 0:00

This is so not an FML. You get cheap pizza AND underwear now. I'm jealous.

EmoPolarBearShim | 0

#1557978 - Saturday 16 October 2010 20:34

tsch. sign up to pizza hut and Victorias secret and say your birthdays tomorrow.