Miscellaneous: Today, I opened my email expecting to see messages from my friends...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I opened my email expecting to see messages from my friends and family wishing me a happy birthday, but there were none. There were Happy Birthday messages from Pizza Hut and Victoria's Secret, however. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59820

You deserved it

4356

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Miscellaneous

Out of it

I CAN HEAR YOU

Insane parents, part 38765

By really? - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My family put a bouquet of balloons outside my room for me to find when I woke up. I walked out of my room, saw the balloons, screamed, and fell down the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43430

You deserved it

24087

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while in the car with my mom, she gave me a lecture about how bad of a driver I am. During that process she ran a red light and hit a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32126

You deserved it

2635

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By slim_breezy - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to rush my son to the ER after he ate a poisonous plant. He said the plant looked like one in Skyrim and he thought he'd get super powers from eating it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15376

You deserved it

2432

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By corfan01 - United States

Today, I got a red light camera ticket for $100 in the mail. After checking the date and time, I realized it was from when I was rear ended into the intersection while STOPPED at a red light. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46619

You deserved it

2350

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By Ticketshame

Today, I got pulled over for talking on my phone while driving. I'd lost my phone the day before. He didn’t believe me. So, I got a ticket for talking on a phone I can’t even find. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2041

You deserved it

133

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran into my shitlord of an ex at the store. He took one look at me, yelled "You cheating bitch!" in a wounded voice, then walked away, fake-crying. I got so many dirty looks. The worst part is that I dumped him last month for cheating on me with my "best friend." FML

I agree, your life sucks

55659

You deserved it

3760

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By Duellist

Today, someone in Fedex typo'd "KZ" for "NZ" and sent our fencing weapons to Kazakhstan. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4364

You deserved it

242

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By Anonymous

Pills, thrills and bellyaches

Today, I came home from surgery to remove my tonsils. It's a much better surgery to have as a kid, because when you get older it's much more painful. I didn't know my mom liked pain killers. I do now, because I have none left and I haven't even taken any yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1884

You deserved it

Favorite

By mhogan - 10/3/2020 21:00 - Canada

The Laws of Attraction

Today, I was skiing and crashed into a tree. It was the only tree on the slope. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1268

You deserved it

484

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had to give a sexual harassment seminar to my department. Someone put in a complaint that my example made them feel uncomfortable. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42700

You deserved it

4209

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By omfgfmlife - United States

Today, my mother insisted I thoroughly water all the plants in and around my house before some people turned up. This would be fine except 90% of them are fake. She is convinced it will make them look "realer." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32224

You deserved it

3042

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my iPod to Walmart to replace the battery. They tell me to call Apple. I go home again and call Apple. They tell me to call Walmart. I call Walmart. They tell me to bring it in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35689

You deserved it

3956

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Needles

Today, I was meeting my boyfriend's mom. She was driving us to a theme park that was about 2 hours away. She asked for the address to put into the GPS, so I gave it to her. It turned out to be a farm, an hour away from the park. So much for good first impressions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39149

You deserved it

8886

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By bastards - Netherlands - Den Haag

Today, I babysat the brattiest and most foul-mouthed 8-year-old I've ever met. After I survived three hours of it, his parents finally came home. He claimed I'd invited a boy over and that we did "stuff" on the couch all evening. They believed him. I didn't get paid, to say the least. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57908

You deserved it

4195

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By Awkward - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I sat awkwardly and pretended like I didn't notice my cousin discreetly trying to masturbate while talking to me. This isn't the first time anything like this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38764

You deserved it

3833

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By Anonymous

It's the new thing!

Today, I fell asleep while at an outside birthday party in the sun for a five-year-old. That five-year-old put an animal cracker on my forehead. I now have a rhino-shaped tan line. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1321

You deserved it

967

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By TotallyDoneDating

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of 2 years lost her virginity on a cruise last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5754

You deserved it

727

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he was being for Halloween. He said "Single". FML

I agree, your life sucks

49912

You deserved it

5155

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By never again - United States - Bakersfield

A real orgasm

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I like, but I had to pee really bad. It got really wet down there, and he thought I squirted. I peed everywhere. I let him believe he made me squirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2260

You deserved it

673

Favorite

By Dopeboyfresh71 - United States

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was a bill from my parents. Apparently, the rent is due on the 1st. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34870

You deserved it

3250

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got tasered by a cop. It was his second day on the job. My crime? Sneezing during a sobriety test. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33785

You deserved it

2458

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By notarobber - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was wearing a black shirt, black pants, and a black beanie at a grocery store. I came around a corner, bumped into a woman and she screamed, "Murderer." I was immediately thrown out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48596

You deserved it

10091

Favorite

By snickerdoodles - France

Today, I was sparring with a guy in my Tae Kwon Do class. He had a hard-on the entire time we were sparring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32303

You deserved it

3957

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By IStillHaveMy8hrShiftToGo - United States - Beaverton

Today, I came in to work early at a restaurant to help out. I stocked, baked pies for the next day, cleaned and set over 50 tables, and vacuumed the entire two stories. When I went to send an order for the first customer of mine, I realized I hadn't even clocked on. Four ½ hours of work wasted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42294

You deserved it

10694

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By Anonymous

Today, I got fired from my first-ever job. Via text. I hadn't even started the first day but I'm expected to drive an hour and a half to my now ex-boss's house to return the key. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6279

You deserved it

473

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while watching Rio, I got a boner when Blu and Jewel kissed. This is almost as pathetic as getting a boner a few days ago while watching Homer and Marge kiss on The Simpsons. I think I'm way past the point of ever getting laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36821

You deserved it

10829

Favorite

By Chihuahuanope - United States - Lincoln

An Expensive Snack

Today, my girlfriend's 2lb chihuahua ate 500 dollars worth of textbook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6821

You deserved it

748

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By Countdown has begun

Today, my girlfriend took a crap in my swimming pool. Her excuse? She had to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1881

You deserved it

203

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my boss for a couple of days off to recover from a nasty ear infection which has left me hard of hearing. However, he didn't understand why that would affect my job and refused. I work in a telephone call centre. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30042

You deserved it

1938

Favorite

By Stressed dad

Today, my wife's water broke so I drove her to the hospital. After 16 hours without labor, I went home to get a little sleep. Four hours later I got the call and ran outside to find that my car was towed from my parking space. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4963

You deserved it

988

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, while taking part in a lifeguarding exercise, I was supposed to "drown" to get another guard to save me. After all was done, my boss called me into his office and screamed at me for "drowning the wrong way," and threatening our reputation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27270

You deserved it

2148

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Overland Park

Today, at my daughter's fundraiser, I noticed that a guy with a face only a fist could love kept staring at her. I said "Beautiful, isn't she?" Before I could tell him to keep it in his damned pants, he replied "Hah. She's my girlfriend, dude. Total beast in the sack." Complete news to me on both counts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28654

You deserved it

3303

Favorite

By ThinZ - United States

Today, I invited a few of my co-workers over to play video games. Within an hour, my wife had gotten drunk, grabbed my controller, told me to "get back in the kitchen", and described to everyone in blood-chilling detail how she took her first boyfriend's virginity. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33366

You deserved it

3847

Favorite

By "Anti_Sora"

Today, I tried to turn in a final exam online. When I went to check if it had been submitted Blackboard told me it did. My grade told a different story. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2089

You deserved it

131

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I talked to a girl I like. I tried to make her jealous by telling her I had a "thing" going with another girl. She looked deeply into my eyes and said, "Wait, aren't you gay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

45110

You deserved it

17764

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that taking a 20 mile bike ride with my boyfriend's family the day after losing my virginity is the worst decision ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44825

You deserved it

18236

Favorite

By facepalm

Today, my son won’t stop crying, all because I told him he couldn’t go trick-or-treating in April. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1760

You deserved it

213

Favorite

By brother love - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the guy I like was only coming to my house to get closer to my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38630

You deserved it

3913

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/7/2020 23:02

Delayed proposal

Today, my girlfriend found the engagement ring I bought and assumed it was a late birthday present. She’s now wearing it on her right hand like a signet ring and she somehow hasn’t figured out it’s a diamond and not a Swarovski. I'm now waiting for her to figure it out before I pop the question. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1603

You deserved it

355

Favorite

By Rawf - United States

Today, at work, a customer called in and asked me to read off every item on our menu, along with their ingredients. I work at Jamba Juice so that's a lot of reading. After about 10 minutes of this, I found out it was actually my stupid co-worker calling from the back phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43079

You deserved it

9924

Favorite

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Top comments

By depechemode | 0

#160703 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:54

You are on a pizza hut mailing list?

I think I've found the real fml here.

By lolololcheese | 0

#160692 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:52

Happy birthday from random strangers on the internet!

COMMENTS

By BrandNewKadillak | 0

#160674 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:48

Happy birthday!

By Derick_Z | 0

#160676 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:48

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

By squeaksx24 | 0

#160691 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:52

Ouch. Happy birthday, though!

By lolololcheese | 0

#160692 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:52

Happy birthday from random strangers on the internet!

slientRequiem | 0

#1241605 - Saturday 14 August 2010 21:29

lol win!

By wowfmlife | 0

#160702 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:54

Happy birthday!!!

Well most people don't use email much anymore so that might be the problem..

sexybeastwon | 0

#1170457 - Sunday 1 August 2010 11:08

Bo burnham is awsome its a Klan cookout Klan cookout

By depechemode | 0

#160703 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:54

You are on a pizza hut mailing list?

I think I've found the real fml here.

FUrlife95 | 0

#1953375 - Tuesday 11 January 2011 4:59

That, is a win
haha

By foreverisabelx3 | 0

#160708 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:56

HAPPY BIRTHDAY =]

By ceexaeexess | 0

#160716 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:58

haha #6.....texting and facebook have taken over the job of e-mail...but happy birthday anyway

By Kiriel | 2

#160723 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:59

I hope your birthday gets better as it goes on, have a good day, we're all wishing you well ^_^

By adelaide_evening | 0

#160728 - Saturday 2 May 2009 0:00

This is so not an FML. You get cheap pizza AND underwear now. I'm jealous.

EmoPolarBearShim | 0

#1557978 - Saturday 16 October 2010 20:34

tsch. sign up to pizza hut and Victorias secret and say your birthdays tomorrow.