Today, I opened my email expecting to see messages from my friends...

By Anonymous - 1/5/2009 18:36 - United States

Today, I opened my email expecting to see messages from my friends and family wishing me a happy birthday, but there were none. There were Happy Birthday messages from Pizza Hut and Victoria's Secret, however. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59783

You deserved it

4351

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Boozehound

Fear factor

Hello everyone!

By BaconBreathBlonde - 30/10/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out, holding hands, and he was playing with a strand of my hair. I thought the whole thing was very romantic. He then said he loved how my mouth tasted like bacon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27893

You deserved it

7675

Favorite

By clip_kate - 1/7/2016 02:36

Today, I went to the store, but after I'd selected my items, I saw that I'd forgotten my wallet. When I tried to explain to the cashier, he thought that I was trying to steal and called the cops. My roommate had to come to the store to save me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14063

You deserved it

1327

Favorite

By Home sick - 4/1/2019 20:00

Today, I was called fat by my boyfriend's old-fashioned mom. I'm not close to fat but I'm not really skinny either so she calls me fat. She also complained that my feet makes noise when I walk and that girls shouldn't make noise when walking. This week has been hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2810

You deserved it

261

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/1/2011 10:48 - Canada

Today, I went to get a tattoo of my girlfriend's name to surprise her. Halfway through the tattooing, she called and broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18571

You deserved it

71590

Favorite

By astocks - 24/9/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I found a picture of my military husband kissing another woman. His excuse? It was photoshopped. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33909

You deserved it

3206

Favorite

By Not so much of a teachers pet - 22/10/2014 20:55 - United States

Today, I got in an argument with my teacher for always comparing me to my sister that she had a few years before. After I said, "I'm not my sister so please stop comparing me to her," she responded, "Of course you're not your sister, I actually like your sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38113

You deserved it

5738

Favorite

By Meg - 17/10/2018 15:30

Today, we moved 2,700 miles across the U.S. to better our lives, with job offers and home options lined up. All of them were given to other people or turned out to be scams. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2952

You deserved it

544

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/11/2013 18:08 - United States - Parker

Today, I went to my first job interview in months. Just minutes in, a sudden huge, uncontrollable sneeze overcame me. A wad of snot flew out onto my shirt, which I didn't even notice until the visibly disgusted interviewer pointed it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42178

You deserved it

3876

Favorite

By anonymous - 6/11/2010 21:08 - Canada

Today, I found out that a street performer makes more money than I do. I have a full time job at the bank. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30293

You deserved it

3996

Favorite

By Sudokori - 7/9/2017 01:30

Today, my coworker paid me back the $15 I let him borrow and we shook hands. Later, I was called into my boss's office, where he threatened to fire me for doing a drug deal in front of customers. The police are getting involved. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4094

You deserved it

246

Favorite

By Confused lesbian - 16/7/2018 13:30 - United States - Lynchburg

Today, I found a used condom in my bed. I haven't had sex in months and now I'm terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4330

You deserved it

276

Favorite

By Hungry - 27/12/2013 14:01 - United States - Appleton

Today, I got written up at work for clocking back in from lunch early. Yesterday I got a verbal warning for coming back late. I'm scared to go to lunch at all now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43758

You deserved it

4654

Favorite

By shitty shit - 26/5/2015 15:40 - United States - Carmel

Today, I was looking at old pictures with my mom and saw one of myself crying in kindergarten. I asked why I was crying. She said that was the day a boy kissed me on the cheek, and I thought I'd gotten pregnant. She then decided to give me the sex talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35914

You deserved it

3844

Favorite

By anonymous - 24/4/2009 19:50 - United States

Today, I started my period. I am getting married tomorrow. So, not only am I going to be on my period for my wedding night and honeymoon, my best friend has to help me change my pad because my dress is so big. FML

I agree, your life sucks

80929

You deserved it

9457

Favorite

By Unlucky - 5/9/2017 16:00

Today, while crossing the street, I was honked at by a stopped car. I responded with the following: a finger and a "Fuck you!" It was my boss who just wanted to say hi. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1713

You deserved it

4692

Favorite

By StellaSanguina - 9/10/2009 03:17 - United States

Today, a buttmunch customer brought in $7 worth of pennies I had to count and roll. As I was putting them in the deposite box at the end of my shift, I fumbled and dropped the rolls. All but one broke, spilling their contents on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35246

You deserved it

6747

Favorite

By Sash - 6/4/2012 21:04 - United Kingdom

Today, I dressed up for a date. After waiting for hours, sending countless texts and voice mails to my date, and thinking I'd been stood up, I remembered my date is actually scheduled for tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10568

You deserved it

38163

Favorite

By ahhhhhh - 12/2/2015 17:23 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I made my mom breakfast in bed for her birthday. She was naked when I went to give it to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32507

You deserved it

6445

Favorite

By MikeMorin18 - 1/8/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, at work I was talking to a co-worker about what a slacker my manager was, and how all she did was stand around and talk. She was standing behind me the whole time. I now have sore nuts due to a direct hit from a broom handle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11253

You deserved it

34865

Favorite

By Sucker - 12/10/2009 19:31 - Canada

Today, after working another double shift because I want to buy my boyfriend a really expensive anniversary present, I get to his apartment to find him calculating in how many paychecks he'll be able to afford a Caribbean getaway. For himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34432

You deserved it

3562

Favorite

By idislikeblanks - 30/1/2013 07:03 - United States - Lathrop

Today, my 5-year-old nephew had the most amazing idea: to play a game with my keys. He took out all ten keys individually and hid them around the house. So far it's been two hours and I haven't found a single one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35740

You deserved it

4088

Favorite

By kkmirw - 14/10/2019 05:00

Pissed

Today, a colostomy bag exploded on me while I was waiting in line at the pharmacy. Yesterday, my shoes were peed on by a child while I was at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1686

You deserved it

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/9/2011 01:33 - United States

Today, my parents came to visit me. I bought boxers and cologne to make it look like I had a man here. I've been single since I moved away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12923

You deserved it

28214

Favorite

By piratequeen - 7/8/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my husband. As I was undressing, he said, "Arr, I spy me some booty!" I let it go, I'm used to his embarassing pirate talk. But as he orgasmed, he screamed, "I'VE FOUND THE BURIED TREASURE!" My neighbors heard in the apartment next door and called to let me know. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55934

You deserved it

7040

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/9/2010 00:52 - Australia

Today, I found out that one of my best mates had his backpack, clothes, and everything else in it stolen at an airport overseas. I was feeling sorry for him all day. It took me 9 hours to remember that I actually loaned him my backpack for his trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26798

You deserved it

7255

Favorite

By stutson - 4/6/2009 00:12 - United States

Today, on my airplane ride home, the woman next to me wasn't feeling too well. She pulled out the air sickness bag to throw up into and missed. Her vomit splattered all over the seat in front of her and all over me. We were both covered in puke. And that was only my first of two flights. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50718

You deserved it

2227

Favorite

By bouncekitty - 20/2/2011 17:04 - United States

Today, I had all of my wisdom teeth removed. After the anesthesia wore off, I asked how long the procedure took, and the nurse told me a little less than an hour. Apparently I thought this was hilarious and started laughing, which ripped my new stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31265

You deserved it

5422

Favorite

By locker - 16/9/2010 20:06 - United States

Today, I was in a hurry trying to get into my locker, but it stuck. After a few frustrating attempts, I finally managed to get it open. In anger, I threw the door open, but it bounced back and hit me in the head. My natural reflex was to jerk forward, giving myself a black eye from the hook inside. I got in a fight with my locker and lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25558

You deserved it

13674

Favorite

By WhoLikesPie - 25/7/2015 15:51 - United States - Tampa

Today, I went to my girlfriend's job to surprise her for lunch, her manager said she hasn't worked on a Saturday in two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31148

You deserved it

2078

Favorite

By Stigmamma - 12/5/2019 04:00

Today, my 12-year-old son and 13-year-old daughter sprayed themselves with a ton of deodorant and perfume respectively. The two clouds of spray have combined into a noxious gas that slowly traveled through the house, giving everybody an instant, massive headache. Everybody, except my son and daughter. They think they smell great. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1851

You deserved it

220

Favorite

By segal1010 - 28/2/2013 00:27 - United States - Potomac

Today, I found out that my mom has linked my iPhone with her iPad and has been secretly reading my texts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40731

You deserved it

4274

Favorite

By greenandswirly - 18/2/2017 16:00 - United States - Columbia City

Today, I injured my knee at a Zumba class, a class I joined to lose weight so my knees wouldn't hurt so much. Now I can't even go for a leisurely walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5567

You deserved it

783

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/10/2012 17:27 - United States - Placentia

Today, I cleaned out my house and placed multiple boxes of clothes and books in my two-seated truck to take to the Goodwill. While turning onto the highway, everything tumbled on top of me, sending me crashing into a guardrail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20490

You deserved it

8386

Favorite

By Flopera - 12/5/2018 05:00

Today, I treated my out of town family to a surprise opera experience as a belated Christmas present. When we arrived, there were people already in our seats. Upon checking the tickets, I realized that I had purchased them for the following Friday instead of today. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3018

You deserved it

1980

Favorite

By FGum - 30/7/2009 05:56 - United States

Today, I was running on a soccer field and accidentally dropped my gum from my mouth. No one had noticed so I picked it up and started chewing again. It was a different flavor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9435

You deserved it

87570

Favorite

By jsmills92 - 21/12/2012 00:26 - United States - Cranston

Today, I once again walked in on my husband eating our cat's food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38305

You deserved it

4420

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/6/2016 23:24 - United States - Winder

Today, my girl and I got in a huge fight. Because I cuddled with her the wrong way. While I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14390

You deserved it

1045

Favorite

By anonymous - 27/1/2010 20:33 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that the reason I don't want to stay overnight at his house is because I still occasionally wet the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41805

You deserved it

8251

Favorite

By Wellthisishawkward - 14/8/2015 22:40 - United States

Today, as I was driving, a bird swooped down, right in front of my car. I didn't have enough time to react, and so I had to listen to my wife cry the rest of the way home. She kept talking about how it bounced off the windshield and how it probably had a family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25615

You deserved it

2868

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/8/2012 23:02 - United States

Today, I found myself trying to explain to my puppy why I'm still single. I think I just found out why. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23025

You deserved it

6583

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By depechemode | 0

#160703 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:54

You are on a pizza hut mailing list?

I think I've found the real fml here.

By lolololcheese | 0

#160692 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:52

Happy birthday from random strangers on the internet!

Comments

By BrandNewKadillak | 0

#160674 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:48

Happy birthday!

By Derick_Z | 0

#160676 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:48

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

By squeaksx24 | 0

#160691 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:52

Ouch. Happy birthday, though!

By lolololcheese | 0

#160692 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:52

Happy birthday from random strangers on the internet!

slientRequiem | 0

#1241605 - Saturday 14 August 2010 21:29

lol win!

By wowfmlife | 0

#160702 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:54

Happy birthday!!!

Well most people don't use email much anymore so that might be the problem..

sexybeastwon | 0

#1170457 - Sunday 1 August 2010 11:08

Bo burnham is awsome its a Klan cookout Klan cookout

By depechemode | 0

#160703 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:54

You are on a pizza hut mailing list?

I think I've found the real fml here.

FUrlife95 | 0

#1953375 - Tuesday 11 January 2011 4:59

That, is a win
haha

By foreverisabelx3 | 0

#160708 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:56

HAPPY BIRTHDAY =]

By ceexaeexess | 0

#160716 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:58

haha #6.....texting and facebook have taken over the job of e-mail...but happy birthday anyway

By Kiriel | 2

#160723 - Friday 1 May 2009 23:59

I hope your birthday gets better as it goes on, have a good day, we're all wishing you well ^_^

By adelaide_evening | 0

#160728 - Saturday 2 May 2009 0:00

This is so not an FML. You get cheap pizza AND underwear now. I'm jealous.

EmoPolarBearShim | 0

#1557978 - Saturday 16 October 2010 20:34

tsch. sign up to pizza hut and Victorias secret and say your birthdays tomorrow.