Work: Today, I made a point of talking to our parachute riggers, and...

By rickjameson - United States - Kill Devil Hills

Today, I made a point of talking to our parachute riggers, and thanking them for all they do. Today is also the first day I had to pull my reserve chute because my main chute didn't open correctly. FML

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Work

Workout

Ironic

Hot lava from both ends

By screwed - Canada

Today, I accidentally walked in on my roommate while she was changing clothes. She insisted on telling her boyfriend what had happened, because, "It wouldn't feel right" if she didn't. Her boyfriend is a MMA fighter/bodybuilder and has major jealousy issues. I'm screwed. FML

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By I wish it was gum

Today, I was in the cinema making out with my girlfriend. I asked her if she could stop trying to pass me her gum because it was kinda gross. She replied "It's not gum, I just have bronchitis." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spencer

Today, my 15-year-old birth daughter asked if I've ever had sex. FML

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By qwerty - United States

Today, I walked outside to get the newspaper and slipped on the icy driveway. Because I was wearing boxers and a robe, my legs got all scraped up. After much cursing, I got the paper and went inside. The headline read "Caution: Icy Conditions". FML

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By preggers - United States

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I are divorcing because HE had an affair. He now wants a paternity test. FML

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By lydiacoolness - New Zealand

Today, I got my annual blood test. The nurse was inexperienced and it took her several tries to insert the needle properly. When I get back home, my fiancé starts yelling at me and storms out. The reason? I am a recovering drug addict and my arm appeared as if I had been shooting up. FML

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By jackelking - United States

Today, I was at my friends' farm and we decided that we wanted to go to their old treehouse. When we got down there, it turned out my friend Cat had forgotten her shoes. Being a gentleman, I lent her my sandals. I then climbed the treehouse, fell out, and got a nail through my foot. FML

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By In urgent need of a new roommate - United States - West Linn

Today, I woke up at 3:00 am to the sound of a bird screeching. Turns out, my roommate bought a parrot without consulting me first. Even better, my roommate expects me to pay for half of the bird's expenses. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2021 11:01

Intrusive thoughts

Today, in a seminar held by my country's government and the UN, I suddenly realized how stupid the reason for my recent breakup was. So, I ran out of the hall under the stares of over a hundred people and started bawling my eyes out. FML

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By MadWorld

Today, it's been six months since my husband and I have miscarried our daughter who we named Hana Grace. My sister just revealed she is having a girl and naming her Hana Grace since "the name is up for grabs now". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to Walmart with all my birthday money, which I had in a wallet with my permit and everything else. I was sat on a bench looking for items for my iPod Touch However… I left my wallet behind. Turns out an old couple stole it. I got my shit jacked by grandparents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally realized that the only time my mother talks to me is when she needs money. FML

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By Mom2boysonly

Today, the AC broke in the car I bought brand new last August. My 3.5-year-old hates wind, even from the sunroof being open, and there's no fix for the "manufacturing defect" so far. FML

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By Viciousvixen_21 - United States

Today, I asked my 2 year old son to clean up his toys. When I bent down to give him a good job kiss afterwards, he punched me in the nose. FML

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By uncleaning - United States

Today, after I cleaned out the fridge of things that expired months ago, my roommate got angry and insisted upon pulling all the moldy dairy products out of the garbage and putting them back because "they weren't mine and I shouldn't throw out other people's food." FML

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By IngenuityAbsent - Canada - Grimsby

Today, I had a dream where I whacked my head against my shelf. I woke up immediately after, freaked out and whacked my head against my shelf. FML

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By onehitwonder

Balls

Today, it snowed a lot and my friends and I went outside for a walk. Someone drove by and threw a snowball at me, hitting me square in the face. Surprised, I side-stepped only to end up losing balance and roll down a hill into a ditch full of prickly bushes. FML

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By Anonymous - Portugal

Today, my demented little sister walked up to me and kicked me between the legs. I told my parents, but they just accusingly asked me what I did to provoke her. When I said "nothing", they accused me of lying. There is no justice. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2020 08:02

Hold the line

Today, I discovered that my work's new phone system automatically takes people off hold the very second you pick up the phone. I discovered this after picking up the phone and complaining to my workmates about the annoying customer I had on the line for a full minute, all while he listened. FML

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By Justinthebox

Today, my 5-year-old son made a drawing of our living room, with the addition of an apparition and the text, "I can see you. Daddy doesn't see you. Who are you?" FML

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By failureatlife - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, after beating myself up for being useless and not being able to do anything right, I managed to choke almost to the point of blacking out, on a piece of lettuce. FML

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By Ashley Harn

Today, I found out I'm allergic to something in the city water. I've had itchy patches and rashes all over my body, but I can't afford to pay for the filtration system that would solve it. My landlord forbids any modifications to the shower and washing machine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Drama Llama

Today, I took the kids I'm babysitting to the farm to feed the animals. They were a little scared of the llama, so I showed them how nice it was by feeding it a lot of bread. Then, as I was telling the farmer how I loved the llama and wanted to take it home, it spit grass and bread all over my face. FML

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By mothers - United States

Today, my daughter posted a beautiful, touching status on my Facebook wall for Mother's Day. It wasn't so touching that she'd just copied and pasted the one I wrote for her grandmother and sent it back to me, unedited. FML

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By Embarassed - United States

Today, I had to explain to my father why most of the bar was giving him dirty looks at a concert. His air guitar motions made it look like he was jacking off under the table. FML

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By j

Today, I found out that the co-worker I have been dating and falling for is the same co-worker that had been spreading rumors about me and getting me in trouble with my boss. FML

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By bird problems - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, since I've been paying attention to my newborn, my pet cockatoo learned to cry like the baby on the middle of the night. I haven't gotten more than four hours of sleep. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up, got dressed, drove for an hour, just to find out that I was fired. This is the closest job near me. FML

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By dgordo3 - United States

Today, on my way home from watching a movie with a girl, I began having an erection because I thought I could kiss her goodnight. She dropped me off at home, and with my full blown erection, I walked in front of her car with the headlights on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I got stuck in an elevator for well over an hour while riding it up to my weight and fitness class. Very funny, universe. FML

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By Maddy - United States

Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend for taking me for granted and being such a jerk. He didn't even show up for our date. FML

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By Yeah - United States - El Paso

Today, I got approached by a lady while eating at a fast-food restaurant who asked if I could spare five dollars. Confidently, I pulled out my wallet to show her that I had no cash, only to reveal a perfectly crisp five dollar bill that I had completely forgotten about. FML

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By worthless - United States

Downhill

Today, I was reading my boyfriend's online diary. It started off really sweet, saying he was in a wonderful relationship with me, and how he utterly adored me. It then slowly progressed into loathing and wondering what he ever saw in me, all because I have a low sex-drive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Katy

Today, I had to skip class to attend a truancy court hearing. FML

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By thatsucks - United States

Today, I realized that my father's weekly unemployment check is more than my bi-weekly pay check. My full time job pays less than my father's unemployment. FML

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By Hit-and-Run - Mexico - Ju?rez

Today, after an extensive talk with a relationship counselor, we concluded that I'm more likely to get run over by a car than be in a stable relationship. FML

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By FourKnees - United States

Today, I accepted an internship in Chicago and finished my final exams. I decided to play some pick up basketball one last time before summer. Within 2 minutes I got undercut going for a rebound and shattered my knee cap into 3 pieces. My summer in Chicago will be spent in a full leg cast. FML

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By rejected - United States

Smoke signals

Today, I texted my boyfriend, who's on vacation halfway across the world, but he didn't respond. I mentioned it to my younger sister who said, "It probably just takes a while for the text to get all the way there." My mom piped up, "Don't be dumb sweetie, he's just ignoring her." FML

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By nyu - United States

Today, I was getting a pedicure, and they used some sort of scrubby thing that really tickled my feet. When I couldn't take it any more, I accidentally kicked the lady who was doing my nails in the face. FML

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By Starfucks - United States - Bensalem

Today, I was in Starbucks with my daughter when she noticed a travel cup she liked. She picked one up and asked for it, but I said no because it was expensive. She angrily slammed it back into its stand and in the process, knocked over a display of ceramic mugs. I had to pay for each broken mug. FML

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Top comments

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6680888 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 8:56

They sound like a para idiots. At the bare minimum, at least they packed the reserve chute correctly.

By Lady_Spaghetti | 36

#6680894 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 9:10

It was just their idea of a joke--
"Hey, let's mispackage his main chute so that he freaks out."
"Haha that's great."

COMMENTS

By TheNewGuy03 | 28

#6680884 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 8:50

Airborne!

thefmlman2011 | 35

#6680956 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 11:06

Medal of Honor: airbourne

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#6681047 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 16:12

I'm actually gonna go ahead and guess that OP is a member of 82nd ABN at Ft. Bragg (based on his location).

By FML_HelloItsMe | 15

#6680886 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 8:54

Hard Luck OP! Hope you are alright! You can bet it was just a mistake!

aruden | 25

#6681022 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 15:02

A mistake that shouldn't happen, chutes that fail can seriously hurt or kill the poor bastard who got stuck with it.

KorGarott | 4

#6681103 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 18:16

which is why reserve chutes exist

izzajaneful | 24

#6681719 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 21:38

Are there mistakes that should happen?

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6680888 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 8:56

They sound like a para idiots. At the bare minimum, at least they packed the reserve chute correctly.

By JZY1989 | 23

#6680889 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 8:56

Chute that was a close one.

My sad attempt at a pun, yes I failed.

By Earl_KarmasBitch | 28

#6680892 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 9:06

At least you didn't thank them twice!

By Lady_Spaghetti | 36

#6680894 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 9:10

It was just their idea of a joke--
"Hey, let's mispackage his main chute so that he freaks out."
"Haha that's great."

By Dave_Davington | 33

#6680899 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 9:27

Am I the only one who first read "riggers" as something completely different?

Lalala579121 | 27

#6680911 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 9:49

Yes.

skullmaster9 | 10

#6681038 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 15:47

Nope

By OhPuhleeze | 23

#6680923 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 10:07

I think you should be talking to, and thanking Dog more often. Perhaps checking the rig yourself woudn't be bad either. But that must've been some adrenaline rush!!!

By eblondie2838 | 9

#6680995 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 13:34

Being a parachute rigger myself, I would say "bad body position." ;)

By DrEnia1at0r | 20

#6681015 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 14:29

Ha. That'll teach you to be thankful.