Work: Today, I made a point of talking to our parachute riggers, and...

By rickjameson - United States - Kill Devil Hills

Today, I made a point of talking to our parachute riggers, and thanking them for all they do. Today is also the first day I had to pull my reserve chute because my main chute didn't open correctly. FML

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Work

Messed up

British Broadcasting Corporation

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

By RejectRaven

Today, my two year old got out of her crib while I was sleeping and destroyed $700 worth of my makeup from Sephora. FML

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2540

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By DreDre

The charity

Today, I found out that the dude I love has been taking the money I used to support him and buying heroin with it. FML

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1927

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By indecentcameraexposure - Canada

Today, I was using a Kodak Picture Maker in Walmart. I needed help using the machine so the lady that works there came over and tried to load my pictures. I heard some snickering behind me from the people in line. Turns out the pictures loaded. Even the nude ones I forgot about. FML

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By Anonymous

First dates suck

Today, I went on two dates from a dating app. The first one said halfway through that we couldn't date because it would break his contract. The second one catfished me. This is why I have multiple dates in one day. They never end well. FML

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By Thanksalot - United States - Edinburg

Today, I'm staying with my in-laws. My husband is fighting with his dad, who's fighting with his brother-in-law, who's fighting with his wife. The only ones not fighting are my sister-in-law and her boyfriend, who're getting along great on a squeaky mattress in the room next to mine. FML

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By Double Standard - United States - Menasha

Today, my boss yelled at me for having Facebook open at work. That's fine, I closed it and continued on with my work. In a meeting later on I could see the reflection of my boss's laptop screen in a mirror behind her desk. For two hours, I watched her scroll through her Facebook feed. FML

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By somebody - United States

Today, the babysitter not only clogged the toilet, they tried to unclog it with our vacuum cleaner hose. FML

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29091

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By rolled

Today, my angry ex-girlfriend ordered a bong to my house in my name. I came home to my parents screaming at me, demanding to know where "the weed" was. FML

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4163

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I went on a date with a woman. She brought along her stuffed rabbit, and introduced us. FML

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42847

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By jennabean - United States

Today, I was in the car for 8 hours driving home from North Carolina with my family. We brought my dog along and I was petting her for most of the ride. I thought she fell asleep, so I continued to play with her. She never woke up. I played with a dead dog for almost an hour and a half. FML

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By brsoxgirl - United States

Today, I learned why my boyfriend of 10 months and I never hang out at his place. He still lives at home with his mother. He's 38. FML

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By Foreveralone17362562 - Canada - Cold Lake

Today, I was telling my dad about how annoying it was to constantly have my ten-year-old cousin message me about her new boyfriend, when he suddenly bursts out laughing about how she can get a boyfriend at ten, and I have never even kissed a guy and I'm seventeen. FML

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By grow_fasterrr - - Canada

Today, I went to get a trim. However, follow-up damage control at home afterward shouldn't really be necessary on a fifty dollar haircut. FML

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By Pooper scooper - Guam - Yigo

Today, I realized that my dog has more work experience than I do. He's a retired military working dog, and I have a Master's degree. FML

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By screwthewilderness - United States

Today, I visited my vacation cabin. I've been planning to sell it, and it was in perfect condition when I last visited about 6 months ago. I walked in the door to find the floor covered in muddy pawprints and bloody remainders of meals. It appears some bears moved in during my absence. FML

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30864

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By mateyouremental - United Kingdom - London

Today, I baked some regular brownies for my friend. Just to mess with him, after he ate some, I said they had weed in them. He trashed my room in anger, and still won't believe me when I tell him that I didn't actually slip him any drugs. FML

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13064

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By collegebroke - United States - Lakewood

Today, I hit a new low in my financial troubles when I left my work to retrieve twenty-five cents after seeing someone drop it across the street. FML

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42077

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By Neuronerd - United States - Richmond

Today, my Uber driver tried to detour my trip home to take me on a date to Waffle House, even after I showed zero interest and talked about my boyfriend non-stop. FML

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5170

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By great.

Today, I went on a first date with the guy I really like. During our dinner, he said he needed to go to the bathroom. You guessed it: he didn't come back. FML

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39856

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By kay_jay1819 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had great sex and afterward decided to take a shower together. He left the room to get some towels, so I went to the bathroom and wait. I walked out of his room wearing nothing but a thong and ran into his mom who had come home from work early. FML

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By notsohot

Today, I showed up at my boyfriend's house with nothing under my coat but some sexy lingerie. He told me he was working on an assignment, and made me wait three hours before he'd have sex with me. FML

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By sampaloompy - United States

Today, I enjoy reading this site and other people's suffering just to feel better about my own life. FML

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31308

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By WHAT A NICE GUY YOU ARE, SIR SHITSPAWN!!!1! - United States

Today, this weird kid in class asked me on a date. He claims to be a werewolf. His excuse for not being able to turn into one? A "rare disease." His excuse for everyone rejecting him? "Friend-zoning bitches." I was the last resort even for a jackoff "nice guy" werewolf. FML

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By its ok to cheat!? - United States - Brisbane

Today, I got my results on a recent, important midterm. During the exam, I'd noticed my instructor had accidentally left an answers page in the test packet, so being honest, I didn't look at them. It turns out she did it on purpose to help us pass. I failed. FML

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By heartbroken - Australia

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of over a year has been cheating on me the whole time, but that "it's just physical". However, he doesn't want to do anything "physical" with me, except cuddle when we're together. FML

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51913

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By praise the prenup - United States - Delaware

Today, I found out that the landscaper my wife hired on my behalf wasn't kidding when he said he was going to trim my wife's bush. FML

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By MissArizona - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Make it so

Today, my dad shaved his head. This wouldn't be so bad if he didn't expect me to address him as "Captain Picard" 24/7 now. He won't answer me otherwise. FML

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27859

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was walking through the park I had to yawn. In mid-yawn, with my mouth wide open, I walked right through a spider web getting both the spider and the prey it was eating stuck in my mouth. FML

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By ms piggy - United States

Today, stepping on a scale for the first time in years, I had to lift up my stomach to see the number. FML

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13987

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By Mdrk783 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a co-worker who I really liked. One thing led to another and we ended up going to her house and hooked up. Once we'd finished, I noticed another co-workers ID on the floor by her bed. I asked her about it and she said he must have dropped it there last night. FML

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By disappointment

Today, my mom walked out on me, abandoning her 16-year-old and taking $100 and a dog, all because I refused to wear women's panties. I would have been perfectly fine wearing them if I weren't a man. FML

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4147

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. She was completely embarrassed (as was I) and she flew out of the room. My boyfriend, on the other hand, still wanted to finish. FML

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12322

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me. She wants to try dating women. This is the second time this has happened to me. FML

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45447

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By Anonymous - United States - Provo

Today, I found my cat dead on the road. I called my family and told them, and later buried the cat. Not long after I got done burying it, my cat walked up to me. I buried someone else's cat. FML

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53173

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By TacoFail - United States

Today, I went through the Taco Bell drive through. The lady at the window handed me my food and receipt. In a moment of insanity, I threw the receipt at the cashier and yelled "WOOHOO." I attempted to burn rubber and get the hell out of dodge, only to remember my car was in park. FML

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5979

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By Kaz - United States

Today, I snuck out to see my girlfriend in the middle of the night. When I got to her house, I decided to throw a rock at her window to wake her up. It broke a hole in the window. FML

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12556

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By will - Canada

Today, my 6-year-old son apparently decided to make a game out of clogging the toilet with toilet paper. He won, and now the whole basement is flooded. FML

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1411

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By milly - Norway

Today, my mother commented "loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes. FML

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40094

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By leigh2812 - France

Today, I was watching Free Willy with my boyfriend. It was at the part where the boy leaned into the water to give Willy a hug. I asked, "How do you even hug a whale?" My boyfriend rolled over and gave me a hug, and said, "Like this." FML

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By "Marlon4136"

Today, as an usher at a beauty pageant, I was helping other patrons when a group walked past me and sat. I politely asked to see their tickets, but one of the women got angry and ripped hers up to throw the pieces in my face. Without a ticket, I had to kick her out. The police were called. FML

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Top comments

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6680888 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 8:56

They sound like a para idiots. At the bare minimum, at least they packed the reserve chute correctly.

By Lady_Spaghetti | 36

#6680894 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 9:10

It was just their idea of a joke--
"Hey, let's mispackage his main chute so that he freaks out."
"Haha that's great."

COMMENTS

By TheNewGuy03 | 28

#6680884 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 8:50

Airborne!

thefmlman2011 | 35

#6680956 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 11:06

Medal of Honor: airbourne

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#6681047 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 16:12

I'm actually gonna go ahead and guess that OP is a member of 82nd ABN at Ft. Bragg (based on his location).

By FML_HelloItsMe | 15

#6680886 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 8:54

Hard Luck OP! Hope you are alright! You can bet it was just a mistake!

aruden | 25

#6681022 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 15:02

A mistake that shouldn't happen, chutes that fail can seriously hurt or kill the poor bastard who got stuck with it.

KorGarott | 4

#6681103 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 18:16

which is why reserve chutes exist

izzajaneful | 24

#6681719 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 21:38

Are there mistakes that should happen?

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6680888 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 8:56

They sound like a para idiots. At the bare minimum, at least they packed the reserve chute correctly.

By JZY1989 | 23

#6680889 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 8:56

Chute that was a close one.

My sad attempt at a pun, yes I failed.

By Earl_KarmasBitch | 28

#6680892 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 9:06

At least you didn't thank them twice!

By Lady_Spaghetti | 36

#6680894 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 9:10

It was just their idea of a joke--
"Hey, let's mispackage his main chute so that he freaks out."
"Haha that's great."

By Dave_Davington | 33

#6680899 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 9:27

Am I the only one who first read "riggers" as something completely different?

Lalala579121 | 27

#6680911 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 9:49

Yes.

skullmaster9 | 10

#6681038 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 15:47

Nope

By OhPuhleeze | 23

#6680923 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 10:07

I think you should be talking to, and thanking Dog more often. Perhaps checking the rig yourself woudn't be bad either. But that must've been some adrenaline rush!!!

By eblondie2838 | 9

#6680995 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 13:34

Being a parachute rigger myself, I would say "bad body position." ;)

By DrEnia1at0r | 20

#6681015 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 14:29

Ha. That'll teach you to be thankful.