Today, I made a point of talking to our parachute riggers, and...

By rickjameson - 29/8/2016 10:19 - United States - Kill Devil Hills

Today, I made a point of talking to our parachute riggers, and thanking them for all they do. Today is also the first day I had to pull my reserve chute because my main chute didn't open correctly. FML

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Work

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Territorial pissings

Creepy

By Anonymous - 20/8/2010 23:22 - United States

Today, I was on the toilet, when my Mom thought it would be a fun idea to barge in, take a picture of me, post it on Facebook, and tag me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2018 06:00

Today, after faking my orgasms for several years, I found out that my boyfriend has been telling his friends that I'm super loose because he doesn't feel anything when I'm cumming. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 17:16 - Australia

Today, an old man started telling me about the high price of meat. I told him I wouldn't know, since I'm a vegetarian. His reply was, "Oh, most vegetarians are slimmer." FML

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By bethanygirl - 29/10/2011 19:46 - United States

Today, I had to cancel my birthday party because of snow. It's October. FML

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By tinaburrito - 26/1/2010 21:33 - France

Today, I found out my bank account was in the negative because my work gave me a check that didn't clear. I went to my bank to get a statement of charges so my job could reimburse me. They told me requesting a statement costs 8 dollars, which I don't have because my account is in the negative. FML

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By cortanaisahobot - 19/7/2012 20:29 - Canada - Toronto

Hot and… greasy

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to spice up our sex life. He suggested incorporating bacon. He was serious. FML

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By nekoneko - 7/2/2010 05:15 - United States

Today, I found out my mom pretended to be me and had AIM conversations with my boyfriend. FML

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By - 6/2/2019 02:00

Today, I found out that the man I've wanted to be with for the last year and a half also wants to be with me. Two weeks ago, I got a promotion! I'm also legally no longer allowed to date him. FML

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By BCBUDDY - 7/5/2011 15:29 - United States

Today, while I was trying to explain to my friend how smoking weed everyday doesn't make you stupid, I forgot what I was talking about mid-sentence. FML

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By Selina - 22/6/2013 22:59 - United States - Trenton

Today, my dad invited our very cute neighbor inside to introduce him to me. I was wearing pajamas and hadn't showered in two days due to being extremely sick. FML

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By thanksforthat - 10/8/2009 19:05 - United States

Today, after selling their car, my parents decided to inform me that my car (that I paid for myself) is now going to be the "Family Car". They also informed me that since it is, after all, my car, I'll still have to pay for the gas and maintenance. FML

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By rejected - 23/4/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, my friends and I were celebrating Spring Break by going out to a club. I saw a very, very cute girl sipping a drink at the bar all by herself. Trying to be a stud I walked over and said "What are you doing Friday night?" Her response: "Not you." FML

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By Username - 20/7/2010 04:57 - France

Today, I had the rehearsal for two of my friends' wedding. My ex-husband is also in the wedding, and I just found out we have to walk down the aisle together 'for height reasons'. FML

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By ShitHappens2016 - 16/4/2017 18:00

Today, my mother-in-law texted to wish me a happy birthday. She spelled my name wrong and it's not my birthday. FML

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By zephyrgk - 2/9/2013 01:15 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was grounded by my dad for "popping pills like a gangbanger". I take prescription ADHD medicine and a multi-vitamin. FML

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By Gioia - 30/4/2013 12:28 - Bulgaria - Vidin

Today, I was so nervous about a first date that trying to break a silence in the beginning, I asked, "So, you afraid of any insects?" No wonder I didn't get a second date. FML

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By oops - 4/3/2016 21:28 - United States - Mankato

Today, I accidentally farted while shopping. There was an awkward silence followed by a god-awful stink and a lady's little girl bursting into tears. FML

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By STOP - 8/5/2014 13:55 - Australia - West Hoxton

Today, it's five days until my wedding and I still can't tell my bride apart from her twin sister. They share clothes, have the same haircut, and they even take turns flirting with me to "catch me off guard" because they think it's hilarious to trick me. I'm scared I'll marry the wrong one. FML

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By Mia - 26/1/2019 02:00

Today, I wanted to bake some chocolate chip cookies. As the first load was done, I tasted a cookie and it tasted too salty. Thinking it was because of the pinch of salt, I added more sugar to the batter, only to realize that the sugar I've put into the whole batter was actually salt. FML

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By GrumpyBunny - 28/3/2016 07:27 - United States - Marysville

Today, I learned the true meaning of "throwing money down the toilet" when pulling my pants up, somehow my $100 Easter money fell out of my pocket mid flush. FML

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By hbt51 - 17/8/2015 19:56 - United States - Blue Ridge

Today, while out jogging, I was suddenly hit with unbelievable gastric distress. I wasn't wearing brown pants when I set out on that jog, but I sure was when I made it back home. FML

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By chicagobulls102 - 10/9/2011 18:19 - United States

Today, the really cute guy who asked for my number last night texted me. He wanted to know if he could get my friend's number, because he'd been too shy to ask her directly. FML

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By Jayman223 - 10/2/2017 09:00 - United States - Reno

Today I adopted a dog. He ran away the same day. FML

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By Wouldntitbeniceif - 1/5/2009 03:13 - United States

Today, I went for a hike with the local search and rescue volunteer group that I recently joined. I got lost and spent 5 hours wandering aimlessly. FML

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By Poorman - 11/12/2011 01:03 - United Kingdom

Today, our new boss showed up for his first day of work. I thought I'd seen it all, but he demands that we say "Hail to the King" every time he passes through the office. When I called HR about it, the guy on the other end told me to "man up and deal with it". FML

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By JustMyLuck - 12/2/2010 14:14 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to sleep over at his house. Then he found out that it was that time of the month for me, so he told me that he had to work this weekend and said "see you sometime next week." He doesn't have a job. FML

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By Mexican - 19/6/2016 03:06 - United States - Chicago

Today, after two weeks of trying to convince my parents to go to my high school graduation. They finally gave in. After they handed me my diploma, they decided to leave because it was "too boring." I'm currently sitting on the curb of the street waiting for my Uber, while people take pictures of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2013 00:53 - United States - Cranston

Today, I had to listen to my boss say "Arabica beans" in a goofy, fake New England accent every time the McDonald's ice coffee commercial came on the radio. I worked a 12-hour shift. FML

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By Savanerzz - 18/3/2018 01:30

Perfect timing!

Today my fiancé broke up with me. Two hours later, the store I bought my dress from called to say it’s ready to be picked up. FML

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By Is McDonald's Hiring? - 23/4/2019 12:00

Today, I was sternly told that if I didn't pass more students, I would be out of a job. I then went to my class to collect papers, and was stymied by how I could be giving passing grades to the 12 of 24 who didn't turn anything in. College students. FML

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By raerae - 24/4/2009 07:25 - Germany

Today, I received my camera in the mail that my mom sent from home since I forgot it when I moved to Italy. It was wrapped in 4 layers of bubble wrap and packed in foam peanuts to keep it from getting broken. As I was removing the last layer of bubble wrap I dropped it, breaking the screen. FML

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By vw - 20/2/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, I was talking to my grandpa while he was gardening outside. Suddenly I feel this hard, salty thing fly into my mouth and I spit it out. It turned out to be a beetle. My grandpa takes one look at the beetle and says, "Well, at least that poor bug finally got you to shut up." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2018 01:30

Today, at work, a customer ordered a caramel latte with no caramel. I made a regular latte after explaining that’s what it was. He got angry and threw it at me. I got fired for insulting his intelligence. FML

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By FuckLife - 11/2/2012 13:41 - Australia

Today, my friend's kid chased me with a rusty, sharp tent peg and threatened to kill me. When I finally got him to calm down he ran off to his room. Later, I found the tent peg under his pillow with a note that said my name. My friend thinks it's hilarious. I am staying here for a week. FML

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By Lost... - 6/3/2010 06:16 - United States

Today, after leaving work at 10 pm, I took a shortcut to the highway. After getting lost, my GPS informed me that the service was unavailable and I should try back in an hour. This occurred moments before I ran out of gas. FML

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By go choke on a gonad - 8/8/2013 13:13 - United States - Dayton

Today, my fiancé asked for money to bail his brother out of jail, the same brother who happily spent a whole day recently trying to convince my fiancé that I've been cheating on him with my own cousin. So I said no. He shook his head in disgust and said that I'm "unbelievably spiteful". FML

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By HLRJ - 29/8/2018 09:00 - United States - Concord

Today, after my husband said he forgot our anniversary 2 days ago because he was so focused on planning for today, he forgot what was so important about today. It's my birthday. FML

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By arekusa - 23/6/2011 03:00 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mother thinks I'm a loser and a scumbag. We haven't even met yet. FML

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By MyPoorEyes - 19/3/2015 13:19 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, it was my first day working as a pharmacist. I quickly discovered that customers not only think that it makes me qualified to offer free medical advice, but they also have no qualms about showing me their various lumps, bumps, and vaginal leakages. FML

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By workinggirl - 7/3/2010 17:38 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I met at a masquerade. The moment he saw me without my mask on, he left the date. FML

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Top comments

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6680888 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 8:56

They sound like a para idiots. At the bare minimum, at least they packed the reserve chute correctly.

By Lady_Spaghetti | 36

#6680894 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 9:10

It was just their idea of a joke--
"Hey, let's mispackage his main chute so that he freaks out."
"Haha that's great."

COMMENTS

By TheNewGuy03 | 28

#6680884 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 8:50

Airborne!

thefmlman2011 | 32

#6680956 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 11:06

Medal of Honor: airbourne

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#6681047 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 16:12

I'm actually gonna go ahead and guess that OP is a member of 82nd ABN at Ft. Bragg (based on his location).

By FML_HelloItsMe | 15

#6680886 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 8:54

Hard Luck OP! Hope you are alright! You can bet it was just a mistake!

aruden | 25

#6681022 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 15:02

A mistake that shouldn't happen, chutes that fail can seriously hurt or kill the poor bastard who got stuck with it.

KorGarott | 4

#6681103 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 18:16

which is why reserve chutes exist

izzajaneful | 24

#6681719 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 21:38

Are there mistakes that should happen?

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6680888 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 8:56

They sound like a para idiots. At the bare minimum, at least they packed the reserve chute correctly.

By JZY1989 | 23

#6680889 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 8:56

Chute that was a close one.

My sad attempt at a pun, yes I failed.

By Earl_KarmasBitch | 28

#6680892 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 9:06

At least you didn't thank them twice!

By Lady_Spaghetti | 36

#6680894 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 9:10

It was just their idea of a joke--
"Hey, let's mispackage his main chute so that he freaks out."
"Haha that's great."

By Dave_Davington | 33

#6680899 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 9:27

Am I the only one who first read "riggers" as something completely different?

Lalala579121 | 27

#6680911 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 9:49

Yes.

skullmaster9 | 10

#6681038 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 15:47

Nope

By OhPuhleeze | 23

#6680923 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 10:07

I think you should be talking to, and thanking Dog more often. Perhaps checking the rig yourself woudn't be bad either. But that must've been some adrenaline rush!!!

By eblondie2838 | 9

#6680995 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 13:34

Being a parachute rigger myself, I would say "bad body position." ;)

By DrEnia1at0r | 20

#6681015 - Tuesday 30 August 2016 14:29

Ha. That'll teach you to be thankful.