The pleasure, the pain

Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me a blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. Hard. FML

You tried

Today, my colleague was wearing a beautiful dress. I decided that I had to go over and compliment her. As I walked over, my coffee cup flew out of my hand and onto said dress. She had to go home and change, and my boss had to cover for her. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I went on a date. I went to the bathroom. When I came back, she was sitting at a different table flirting with a guy that looked twice as old as her. FML

Today, I bought a nice new dress for a work party, but when I went to it, a coworker hurried me into the bathroom saying, "Don't worry we can fix this." She thought someone had been sick on me. Thanks. That was just the pattern of the dress. FML

Today, I went speed dating. I arrived at my first date and she looked me up and down and said, "Oh, that's awkward." FML

It's called fashion Dave, look it up!

Today, my beautiful bride walked towards me in a dress that looked just like a ribbed condom. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were downtown when he pointed to a girl and said he wished I dressed more like she did. She was obviously a hooker. FML

Today, while at work, I helped my ex-husband pick out a ring for the girl he cheated on me with. FML

Today, I took my girlfriend of 3 years out to where we had our first date. I proposed to her. She breaks down in tears as she tells me she's been sleeping with her co-worker for the past year. FML

Today, my girlfriend tried to hook me up with a guy. It's the second time it happened since I met her. FML