Today, I had to watch my neighbor's daughter for 10 hours. She... - FML

By Liz - 9/4/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, I had to watch my neighbor's daughter for 10 hours. She wouldn't eat anything I had to offer, so I ordered a pizza for $19 + a $5 tip = $24. Her father came by to pick her up, thanked me, and gave me a $20 bill. I effectively just paid to watch his kid. FML

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By EggHead - 31/12/2015 04:38 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, at work, a 3-year-old threw an egg at me from his cart. I couldn't leave my register to clean my hair because it was too busy, so when the new manager came in, he wrote me up for "unkempt appearance." Now my new hire probation period is extended 30 days, and my nickname is "Egghead." FML

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By creepedoutlady - 16/8/2011 00:30 - United States

Today, I met my new neighbor. His wi-fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML

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By daddysboy123 - 6/8/2009 15:40 - United States

Today, I found what I assumed was my laptop, though my mother has the same one. As I opened it, I was greeted by a video of my father waving. He wasn't using his hands. FML

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By tillyg15 - 2/5/2012 11:18 - United Kingdom - Droitwich

Today, I had to ring up our local competitors to get prices for paint. I pretended I'd just bought a house and was doing it up, and I actually got excited about doing up a make-believe house. FML

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By Noname - 16/3/2009 00:49 - United States

Today, I rode in the cab on the way back to my dorm from the airport. The taxi driver was on the phone and not really paying attention. I paid him and got out of the cab, but he drove away before I could get my luggage out of the trunk. FML

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By fuck you walmart - 26/4/2013 22:03 - United States

Today, at work, I was screamed at and slapped by a woman for supposedly violating her 2nd Amendment rights. In reality, I'd simply turned her away from the 10 items or less line because she had well over the allowed number of items. I've no fucking idea what's wrong with some people. FML

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By cuckoo - 22/8/2015 03:59 - United States - Mobile

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend, when I saw my best friend. I jokingly did a double-take and said I didn't recognize him with his clothes on. We laughed, talked a bit, then went our separate ways. My girlfriend later dumped me, claiming I'm blatantly gay and cheating on her. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2014 00:53 - United States - Piedmont

Today, I joined my friends out birthday clubbing. After I'd gotten a little drunk, a few guys asked for my number. I rattled off random numbers, until I accidentally said my mother's. Guess who woke up to a text at 2:17 in the morning, containing a picture of a penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2014 01:14 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my vegan girlfriend openly admitted that she'd let me die if she had to choose between saving my life or an animal's. She actually seemed confused as to why that upset me. FML

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By djteller - 25/4/2009 00:13 - Israel

Today, While I was running around the block I had this urge to spit. Suddenly I noticed this beautiful girl running in front me. Trying to impress her, I smiled and by mistake drooled everything on the pavement. She wasn't impressed. FML

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By fredo - 19/3/2013 12:31 - United States - Ames

Today, I walked into the room naked while my wife was on the computer to surprise her. She smiled, put down her laptop and left for the bathroom so I started jerking it in anticipation. It was really feeling good until my wife's best friend, who was on Skype, started giggling. FML

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By evenmybodyhatesme - 15/5/2016 06:47 - United States - San Jose

Today, after spending a day in the ER and a day in hospital, I was recovering from emergency surgery. My boyfriend left to eat and didn't come back. He texted me 4 hours later that he was drinking with his friends and that he loved his "brown eyed girl". My eyes aren't brown. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2016 11:03 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was all going great until he decided to try talking dirty. His idea of this was moaning loudly, "Just what the pussy ordered" as he entered me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2015 13:46

Today, my dad gave my younger brother condoms and a pat on the back, even though he doesn't have a girlfriend. This is after called me a whore after he saw me kissing my long-term boyfriend last week. FML

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By weeble_wobbles09 - 26/12/2009 02:06 - United States

Today, my Nana showed me her new sign that says, "Some of my greatest blessings call me Nana." We stood there looking at a wall FULL of pictures of her grandkids, which is where she wanted to hang it. After scanning the wall a couple times, I realized. There was not one picture of me. FML

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By calliefml - 26/4/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate hanging a voodoo doll of me on a noose. FML

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By Kyle - 3/12/2013 06:09 - United States - Seattle

Today, I set up a motion-activated sprinkler to drench the neighborhood kids who have been ding dong ditching me for years. Because they cannot get close enough to ring the doorbell, they decided to start egging me instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2011 14:33 - United States

Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2015 21:42 - United States - Utica

Today, I found out my new puppy has worms by him scooting his butt across my new carpet. It's like smeared spaghetti. FML

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By sad associate - 19/12/2016 01:51 - United States - Bastrop

Today, I swung my arm with a product in my hand, and the product flew out of the packaging and hit an old lady on her head. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2016 02:09 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was eating breakfast when my little brother goes, "Mommy, what do you do for a living?" and my mom says "I'm a headmaster", and my dad goes, "Oh yeah she is." FML

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By GHEttoUp - 1/5/2019 02:00

Today, my husband and I are temporarily moved into a cheap apartment in town until settlement for the house we are buying. So far, from my balcony, I’ve a watched a drug deal take place and a man scratch at the ground then lick his hands. It’s going to be a long three weeks. FML

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By facepalming all the way - 19/7/2015 06:02 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I had to explain to my incredibly sheltered 15-year-old brother that no, you don't wear condoms on your balls, and that they don't work by squeezing your balls so the sperm are blocked from coming out when you ejaculate. FML

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By Brody89 - 9/4/2014 18:40 - United States - Vancouver

Today, my overly-attached 14-year-old cat wanted attention while I was in a heated Skype argument with my girlfriend. Worked up from the fight, I raised my voice and said, "Not now, go away!" He ran to his little bed, had a heart attack and died. I was a complete dick to my cat in his last moments. FML

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By anon - 2/1/2016 15:57 - Australia - Glenfield

Today, my boyfriend was so drunk at a New Years party that he approached me and asked me who I was. FML

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By Melaknee - 19/3/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I saw an attractive man outside the club I was trying to get into to. We talked, and ended up having sex in my apartment. The next day when I was dropping him off, I discovered he was homeless and was outside the club begging for money. My house is suddenly out of bread and cheese. FML

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By Starving Ultimatum - 2/9/2011 01:55 - United States

Today, I was robbed while recovering from a robbery. FML

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By 20singleandproudish - 23/10/2014 05:18 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, my younger brother helpfully pointed out that I'm the only one in my family of five who is single. He's twelve. FML

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By FlabbyPants - 6/1/2015 02:51 - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I woke up with every muscle in my body hurting so bad I could hardly walk. Participation in a triathlon, or overdoing it at the gym? No, the results of a day spent cleaning the house. FML

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By Powerless - 30/8/2012 06:05 - Australia

Today, I had a planned 12-hour power cut for maintenance work, which I'd forgot all about. In need of a shower before work, I spent 45 minutes boiling pots of water on the stove to take a lukewarm, 6-inch deep bath, before realizing my water heater runs on natural gas and was working fine. FML

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By swmmr - 7/8/2011 19:41 - United States

Today, my dad suggested that as an alternative to buying me new school clothes that actually fit, I should just join the swim team, lose some weight, and wear my stuff from last year. FML

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By alex - 13/3/2016 19:36 - United States - Seagrove

Today, I started a new job as a receptionist at a nursing home. When two men came in saying, "We're here for Mr. Christensen," I paged him to come to the front desk. Apparently, these men had come from the funeral home to pick up Mr. Christensen's body. I was completely unaware that anyone had died. FML

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By pirate prude - 11/7/2017 20:00 - Canada

Today, when getting off the bus, the driver said he thought I was going to exit from the front. Without thinking, I responded, "Oh no, I'm more of a backdoor kinda girl!" FML

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By ouch - 1/9/2010 13:50 - Belgium

Today, I was in the airport after saying goodbye to my boyfriend who left for three months. Walking back to my car, I saw a young couple kissing passionately. If that wasn't bad enough, the guy then picked his girlfriend up, spun her round in the air and her foot kicked me square in the jaw. FML

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By overseasbummer - 14/11/2014 19:09 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my wife and I had an argument serious enough to end our marriage, while overseas on vacation, with my whole family present. Three more days of awkward tension until we get to fly home and it all ends. FML

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By Help - 26/11/2011 06:03 - United States

Today, it's the second week into my new neighbors' routine. He works nights, she works days. He likes to blast out Slayer and Napalm Death all day, she likes to drunkenly sing out of tune to Adele all night. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. FML

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By sydneybourgeois - 13/8/2011 04:06 - United States

Today, the guy of my dreams told me he liked me and leaned in to kiss me. Just as our lips touched, I ripped a big ass fart. FML

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By Phycheledic - 12/5/2016 10:22 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the daycare in my area. When this one kid was leaving, he asked his mom, "Why is she so ugly?" FML

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By Teen With No Money - 3/8/2011 15:49 - United States

Today, my mother took 350 dollars from savings to go to a psychic. But it's okay though, because now I know I'm an "ancient soul from another dimension". An "ancient soul" who now has no money. FML

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By "idefka" - 8/4/2017 02:00

Today, I found myself lying to my diary. FML

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Top comments

By wtfdidido | 0

#97484 - Friday 10 April 2009 1:53

$20 for 10 hours is stupid. Why were you even willing to do something without knowing how much you'll get out of it?

By TheCrow471 | 0

#97479 - Friday 10 April 2009 1:52

I wouldn't do that guy a favor again.

COMMENTS

By JadeRose_fml | 8

#97477 - Friday 10 April 2009 1:52

that sucks!

Reply

w12345 | 2

#1056484 - Saturday 3 July 2010 5:11

$19 pizza?...where? and ya that sucks. by my calculations it should be 8 per hour so 8*10 should = $80. that idiot ripped u off even without the pizza.

By TheCrow471 | 0

#97479 - Friday 10 April 2009 1:52

I wouldn't do that guy a favor again.

Reply

hapylordofdeath9 | 0

#908630 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 22:40

$20 for 10 hours?!? what a gip

Reply

talbot008 | 0

#980203 - Friday 16 April 2010 4:08

no kidding! I usually get paid around $5 an hour

Reply

Loosechange | 0

#989361 - Saturday 8 May 2010 8:11

Well That is your Fault I make them Kraft Dinner or Chicken nuggets or something small and they sit there till they eat it or they starve. Or Bribe them with candy I do that sometimes then not give it to them and eat it but whatever works.

Reply

k1w1 | 0

#1025013 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 13:53

couldve pointed that out to the dad,

By Herbal_fml | 0

#97482 - Friday 10 April 2009 1:53

You should have cooked her something she liked, your fault you caved to the kid and ordered a pizza.

By wtfdidido | 0

#97484 - Friday 10 April 2009 1:53

$20 for 10 hours is stupid. Why were you even willing to do something without knowing how much you'll get out of it?

Reply

tiffanynickole | 8

#4211989 - Sunday 25 March 2012 8:50

Exactly! I charge $7 an hour when I nanny.

Reply

curleyQ97 | 9

#4689292 - Sunday 15 July 2012 8:34

i think she assumed her neighbor would be realistic and be paying her more then that...

By flamingice | 0

#97485 - Friday 10 April 2009 1:53

Tell me you at least ate the pizza.

By ptrek85 | 0

#97486 - Friday 10 April 2009 1:53

Well thats kinda your fault for giving into the demands of some little kid, but $20 for 10 hours that just sucks

By mojo_jojo | 0

#97489 - Friday 10 April 2009 1:53

That would be true if you didn't have any of the pizza. There's no way your neighbor's daughter cleared out a $19 pizza by herself.

Reply

jensenisbatman | 12

#6307705 - Monday 1 June 2015 21:45

That's easy

By kdbattista | 0

#97493 - Friday 10 April 2009 1:53

$2 an hour and you bought a pizza...I wouldn't babysit for them again.

By Shmads | 0

#97502 - Friday 10 April 2009 1:55

You should've asked the guy for the money for the pizza. you should never have to lose money for babysitting.

By Jaxro | 6

#97505 - Friday 10 April 2009 1:55

Wow, what cheap people