Intimacy: Today, I had to hide some Oreos inside my bra to motivate my...

By . - Germany - Neuwied

Today, I had to hide some Oreos inside my bra to motivate my husband to get close to me. FML

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Intimacy

Commando

Workaholic

Kick the bum out, part 2

By Schuyler Davis - 21/9/2020 02:01

You're fired!

Today, my employer fired me, less than a week before I could become permanent full-time staff. FML

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By omgomgomg - United Kingdom

Today, I was in a rush and had to get changed in a train restroom. While changing, I leaned against the button that opened the door. Not only do train toilet doors open and close very slowly, leaving you half naked for a few seconds, but everyone in the carriage opposite can see clearly. FML

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By KereKris - 17/6/2020 14:05

Hi how are you?

Today, I texted my boss, "I'm looking forward to doing you" instead of, "I'm looking forward to seeing you" thanks to a very unfortunate combination of my atrocious typing skills on a smartphone and an overzealous autocorrect function. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I was at a club and caught a cute guy's eye from across the bar. He smiled at me, got up and came over, then said "Oh shit! You looked way hotter from back there. Damn!" and walked away. FML

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By mmromig - United States

Today, my therapist told me that I need to do something different with my hair. Then I paid her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Bruno

Today, I hung out with some old friends for the first time since losing about 50 pounds, going from clinically obese to a healthy weight. I even bought a cute new dress for the occasion to show off my new body. No one noticed the change. FML

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By stupid me - 28/10/2020 06:02 - Israel

Freudian slip

Today, while hugging my sister's husband, I accidentally let out a "Mmm…" sound in front my whole family. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, the guy I've had the biggest crush on came to my house to pick me up for our first date. As we were leaving, my father screams out "Do you still have diarrhea?" I don't have diarrhea. My dad thinks he's so funny. FML

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By rejectedson - United States

Today, my father got married. He left me a voicemail to tell me all about it. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Paris

Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend. He claimed that it's because he's an agent fighting the Mafia, and he doesn't want to put my life at risk through reprisal attacks. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Donegal

Today, my grandparents came over for a family dinner. I'm somewhat overweight, and my grandma kept making sound effects in time with me doing pretty much anything. When I complained to my dad after she made a long farting sound as I sat down, he told me to suck it up. FML

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By Anonymous

It's only a bit of liquid fun, come on!

Today, I asked the guy I'm dating if he could not drink on our next date, because he ends up drunk-driving every time. His response was, "This isn't working out." FML

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By workworkwork

Today, my boss asked me to pick up more waitressing shifts because we are short-staffed. I already work seven days a week. FML

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By ::Tracy:: - Australia

Today, a young boy helped me carry my groceries home. He then asked me to sign his sheet to certify that he had done half an hour of service to the elderly. I'm 46. FML

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By DrugDeal - Canada

Today, I was under a building overhang to avoid getting drenched by the rain while waiting for the bus. Apparently that corner is notorious for drug dealing, I found this out when a man angrily demanded his drugs and chased me half a block. FML

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By forewhatnow - Australia

Today, my boyfriend took me out to a really romantic dinner. Later, I lost my virginity. The chicken was better than he was. FML

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By unlucky - United States

Today, I noticed a prospective employer I had been networking with changed her last name on her e-mail signature. I wished the aquaintence congratulations on her new marriage. Her divorce was finalized this week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother had 'the talk' with me about sex. I spent the entire time confused as to what brought this up, until she mentioned she had found a used condom in the backseat of the car. I haven't had any action in it, and have no idea whose it was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a date with a girl. She drove while texting someone then stopped at a house and told me to wait in the car. She left her phone so I looked at the last text and it says "I'm here for the quicky". Our "date" was a decoy to throw her mom off so she could sleep with another guy. FML

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By bear92 - United States

Today, I went outside a friend's house to find that my car had been saran wrapped. I cleaned it up and went back inside the house. An hour later, I heard a doorbell ring so I went outside the house. They saran wrapped my car again. FML

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By KiwiMaid - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I got excited because my husband will be away for 5 days, which means I'll be able to deep clean the house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went through my spam folder. I found out that I'd received several emails telling me that I have been sending emails containing essays for a class of mine to the wrong address. The term ended yesterday. FML

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By Sexless from Texas - United States - San Antonio

Today, I learned that, when you ask your girlfriend "Do you think we're having sex too often?" she might interpret it as, "I don't think we should have sex ever again," and entirely stop talking to you. FML

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By failure - Australia

Today, I was sitting at the park with a friend when a small child approached us. Just as moved off the bridge to let the kid play, he asked if I would like to play the troll under the bridge. I laughed and said no thanks, to which the kid responded 'but there is nobody else ugly enough.' FML

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By Ewwwwno - United States - Seattle

Today, I found out that most of my family has the same fetish as I do. I don't know whether to be revolted or relieved that I'm not the only one. FML

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By sicksicksick - United States - Lansdale

Today, I have pink eye in both eyes, the stomach virus, and a cold. I'm also sitting at work because my boss "doesn't believe in sick days." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I faked a sore throat for the school nurse so I could go home early. It took my dad the rest of the school day just to get there to pick me up. FML

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By Uglyshirts - South Africa

Today, I was the first one to wear the ugly corporate shirts we received. The people in my office-all of them guys were all saying that it looked a lot better than they thought it would. Later that day I went to the toilet and saw the shirt gapes open in front and you could see my boobs. FML

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By Yoshi - United States

Today, I was with the guy I am seeing and I were fooling around in my room. I asked him if he wanted to have sex. He said he didn't have time because he had to go play Mario Kart. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got up early and really put some extra effort into my appearance to catch the eye of a cute guy at work. I walked in and the woman that sits in the desk beside me looks over and says, "wow, are you sick? You're not looking too good." FML

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By callen5 - United States

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend over Skype. I said I loved her and hoped we would be together forever. She responded by singing Who Wants to Live Forever into her mic. FML

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By Sorrymom

Today, I had to watch as my deeply religious mother broke out in tears of joy, as she said how happy she was that I was waiting until marriage to have sex. I didn't have the heart to tell her that my fiancé and I fucked on the first date. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my siblings came home for the weekend. At dinner, my dad started complaining at how one of my siblings had gotten fired, one was failing college, and the other was gay. He went on to say I was 17 and already had a bright future. I'm pregnant. FML

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By rioght onnn - Canada

Today, while working at a restaurant, an elderly lady stuck my tip in my back pocket as I was walking away. I wish I knew this before I'd thrown her to the floor for touching my hiney. FML

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By Rants

Today, we've had some auditors with us and I chat with some of them during the day. It's Friday so I asked one of them until what time they were working. It was late and I loudly exclaimed, "That's so late! Your bosses have no hearts!" The auditor then points to their table where the boss is sitting. Glaring. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Fe

Today, it was my wedding day. When my soon-to-be-husband was saying his vows, he didn't say my name. He said his mother's. FML

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By imsad - United States

Today, my younger brother decided it would be fun to slam a door on my hand while I was holding my brand new $200 cell phone that I got for my birthday. Nothing says Happy Birthday like a broken phone to go along with a broken hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out everyone in my family thought the red toothbrush was theirs, and that all four of us have been using the same toothbrush for months. FML

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By Alittlebitiffy - Australia

Today, I spent an hour pulling poop-covered prickles out of my husky's butt. A duck had startled him while he was doing his business and his first thought was to run, mid-poop, into a prickle bush. FML

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By ouch - Canada

Today, my friend hit a glass with her arm, so I dove to try and catch it before it hit the ground and shattered. I hit my head against the table, giving me a nice gash that needed stitches. The glass was actually plastic. FML

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Top comments

By stryder9090 | 28

#6666586 - Saturday 6 August 2016 20:42

Oreos and tits? Doesn't get much better than that

By Lustig_Junge | 16

#6666591 - Saturday 6 August 2016 20:44

Well, Oreos go breast with milk! ;D

COMMENTS

By stryder9090 | 28

#6666586 - Saturday 6 August 2016 20:42

Oreos and tits? Doesn't get much better than that

By salmanch | 15

#6666588 - Saturday 6 August 2016 20:43

Level.... of motivation ?

By Lustig_Junge | 16

#6666591 - Saturday 6 August 2016 20:44

Well, Oreos go breast with milk! ;D

blvcklvnd69 | 14

#6666698 - Sunday 7 August 2016 0:47

Lol I'm not going to lie I had to read that again to get it. Nice pun btw!

By enxhi96 | 21

#6666594 - Saturday 6 August 2016 20:48

Food is a good bribe for anything

By vinnie_boombotz | 15

#6666598 - Saturday 6 August 2016 20:52

Have him lick the cream off you

By Sannekee | 18

#6666614 - Saturday 6 August 2016 21:12

I know how it feels. I'm not sure pesos oreos will work for me at this point in our marriage :(

Ramisme | 12

#6667201 - Sunday 7 August 2016 22:55

maybe try communicating.

By tygerarmy | 35

#6666615 - Saturday 6 August 2016 21:13

Having an Oreo that was dipped in breasts is better than an Oreo dipped in milk, though they are very similar.

By species4872 | 19

#6666619 - Saturday 6 August 2016 21:14

Mmmmmm Oreos

xx000o | 27

#6666975 - Sunday 7 August 2016 12:43

Mmmmmm breastst!!!

By jcash52426 | 5

#6666627 - Saturday 6 August 2016 21:27

Isn't that uncomfortable? Why not lose the bra and cover yourself with whip cream

Felling | 14

#6666878 - Sunday 7 August 2016 6:54

This dude knows what's up.

Bearsmomma | 30

#6667459 - Monday 8 August 2016 7:53

I'm uncomfortable thinking about all those crumbs!

By cuz803 | 31

#6666632 - Saturday 6 August 2016 21:32

Use it. It's OK to use food and objects to spicen up your sex appeal.