Today, I had to hide some Oreos inside my bra to motivate my...

By . - 5/8/2016 16:57 - Germany - Neuwied

Today, I had to hide some Oreos inside my bra to motivate my husband to get close to me. FML

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Intimacy

Tense

Lockdown is driving us down

Great guy

By yourwifelovesme - 4/6/2019 12:00

Today, my dad was folding laundry. He came across a pair of jeans and asked who they belonged to. My mom said, “Those are definitely mine. The knees are worn out.” Thanks for that mental image mom. FML

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By ouch - 13/6/2012 16:00 - United States - Lutz

Today, I was cashiering, and a customer's change came to $5.51. She looked pretty stinking rich, so I just gave her $5.50. She demanded the extra penny, and I asked if she really needed it. She said, "No, but they do, asshole," and dropped her $5.51 in the charity donation box. FML

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By CROCKIN5150 - 14/3/2016 04:32 - United States

Today, while out for a jog, I noticed that you never know how fast you run until you're being followed by someone in a car you don't know, and they're continuously honking at you. I later found out it my dad in his new car. FML

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By Broken Leg, Broken Job - 10/5/2018 01:30

Today, I was fired for not having a reliable mode of transportation. I’ve only had to take the bus recently because three days ago, my boss’s son was messing around in the parking garage, lost control, and totaled my car. FML

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By Nottheprettylady - 5/4/2009 01:07 - Canada

Today, at my job as a cashier, a man and his 3-year old son got in line. The father said, "Give this to the pretty lady," looking at me. The kid looks at me, looks at his dad, and walks over to the next cashier. FML

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By Creeped_out_n_stuck - 5/8/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, my roommate demanded that I dance naked for him as a birthday present. When I declined, he offered to pay me. When I declined again, he stormed off to pout in his room and played really loud depressing music. We're both guys and I have 11 months left on my lease with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 10:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my girlfriends house. After having sex, we went downstairs to where the rest of the family was. At this point I did not realise that I had a used condom stuck to my foot. The family did. FML

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By BarbieKen - 14/6/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me I spread my legs to help out then he looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML

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By zks - 24/3/2011 08:53

Today, I received yet more mail for my ex-fiancé. We've been broken up for nearly a year and I've told him multiple times to change his address. Getting his mail is a constant reminder that I haven't dated since. FML

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By Annie - 31/8/2011 03:17 - United States

Waste

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Two minutes in, he goes, "Wow, this is strenuous" and stopped. I waited three years for this. FML

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By Marcus - 20/1/2019 18:00

Today, my keys disappeared out of my car door during the 50 foot walk to the trash can. When I finally went to security after trying to find them, they said someone drove off with my car right as I walked in the door. FML

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By blanknameisblank - 9/6/2014 19:36 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a zit. FML

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By StevieMe - 8/4/2009 14:48 - Canada

Today, I was at work laminating a large photo. While I was doing this, I had a sudden itch on my nut sack. So I quickly scratched it away. When the customer came to pick up the print, I noticed that one of my pubic hairs had laminated itself on the cheek of the woman in the photograph. FML

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By KmartFart - 4/10/2009 16:25 - United States

Today, I had a surprise birthday party for my mom who turned 57. About an hour into the party, I look over at my mom and she was grinding all over my best friend while holding a bottle of tequila in her hand, and a pair of leopard skin panties hanging out of her pants. FML

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By Davey Crocker - 23/4/2020 08:00

Stay safe, wear a hazmat suit

Today, my coworker volunteered me to drop laptops off at two sites outside our normal areas. I asked if they were safe from COVID-19. "I don't know, but you're young. You'll be okay," responded the man who's been working from home for weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2014 16:33 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, my laziness reached an all-time high. I had a dream that I was at school and had spilled all the contents of my backpack onto the floor. I then purposely shook myself out of my sleep to avoid cleaning up the mess in my dream. FML

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By Sailorjoe - 25/8/2009 01:45 - United States

Today, I had to take out the trash at work and I kept trying to throw it in the dumpster. After five tries I finally made it in. I was feeling pretty good since the bag was heavy. That was until I turned around and saw about 30 of my coworkers applauding and laughing at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2013 21:08 - United States - San Marcos

Today, my mom wished me "Happy Conception Day." FML

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By Kev - 19/2/2009 23:42 - Canada

Today, I walked home from work when a woman asked me to come inside for a free meal. It was at a homeless shelter. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2017 14:00

Today, the main cause of my recent boost in anxiety is in fact the amount of debt that going to a therapist in the first place has put me in. I guess he did help me find the main cause of my emotional issues. FML

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By BarBacked - 15/4/2013 07:31 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the nasty rash on my arms. He concluded that I'm allergic to beer and the rash will go away if I stay away from it. I'm a bartender. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2012 12:09 - Australia - Croydon

Today, I was babysitting this 12 year old. We were watching a movie, and he was being an angel just laying with his head in my lap. He fell asleep so I closed my eyes and had a little nap. When I woke up he had taken my shirt off and was feeling up my boobs. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2010 21:16 - United States

Today, I found out my little sister is a pyromaniac. She set my bed on fire. FML

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By aprouddaddy - 4/12/2014 23:46 - France - Paris

Today, I was a bit upset to learn that my 13 year-old daughter had a boyfriend. When she noticed, she assured me that I shouldn't worry, because "it's just for sex anyway". FML

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By fitzy79 - 31/1/2014 20:04 - United States

Today, I had to wake up at 4am because my boss set an important business meeting for first thing in the morning. After making sure everything was ready, I went to work. My boss ended up oversleeping and moved the meeting to tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2010 04:39 - United States

Today, after years of waiting, my mom and I finally received a check from Child Support Services. Excited, I opened it up to find a check from my dad, written out for 45 cents. Which pays for maybe half a loaf of bread. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2019 22:00

Today, I visited with my cousin on her deathbed. When I asked what she was doing, they replied that she was sleeping. Next thing out my mouth without thinking was, "She can sleep when she's dead." FML

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By stubblebutt - 13/11/2009 12:17 - Australia

Today, my date arrived far earlier than expected to pick me up. Apparently my mother decided to show him to my room anyway. When the door swung open, I happened to be butt naked in front of the mirror, trying to pick out an ingrown hair on my bum. FML

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By psh_idontbite - 13/3/2015 03:55 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog around my neighborhood, when I saw this really cute boy. My dog then saw a squirrel and dragged me through mud. FML

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By haytia22 - 24/7/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, I learned that when your gas nozzle does not automatically stop by itself the way its supposed to, they will continue to charge your credit card as the gas overflows out of your tank until someone notices and yells "turn the gas off". FML

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By KO - 12/10/2014 16:45 - United States

Today, in the middle of sex, my husband accidentally headbutted me, almost knocking me unconscious. FML

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By neverdatingacopagain - 25/4/2011 04:24 - United States

Today, I woke up to find a parking ticket on my car. My car was in my driveway and the cop who wrote it is my ex-boyfriend. This is the third time. FML

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By Rash - 6/12/2011 16:54 - United States

Today, I got kicked in the crotch by a horse in my backyard. I don't own a horse. FML

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By Ihavealisp - 16/2/2011 02:32 - United States

Today, I fell down some steps, and my dad laughed at me. He then changed his facebook status to "My kid's an idiot." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, I asked out my best friend via facebook graffiti. He then accidentally wrote his rejection as his status instead of on my wall. More people liked his status than the number of friends I have on facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2012 16:31 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, at my job at the mall, our music malfunctioned and now will only play the same three songs over and over again. Our manager won't let us turn it off because "the customers won't notice". FML

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By gkline09 - 6/8/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I walked out to my car to see a broken window, a bunch of stuff missing, egg shells, and a note that read "stop banging my boyfriend". I haven't had anyone in over a year. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, my mom went to a psychic. The reason? She has convinced herself that I'm gay, even though I've told her that I'm not and never have been. The psychic disagreed. Apparently, I'm bicurious with one of my guy friends. Guess who my mom believes? FML

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By Sinnersinner - 21/9/2014 11:27 - United States - Ontario

Today, I was having sex with this amazingly hot guy. Things got pretty intense, and right as I was about to orgasm, the gold crucifix came flying off his necklace and sliced my eyelid open. Message received. Well played, God. FML

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By Ali - 5/3/2017 22:30 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Today, my father cut my hair for the first time. Now, I always have to wear a cap when I go outside. FML

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Top comments

By stryder9090 | 28

#6666586 - Saturday 6 August 2016 20:42

Oreos and tits? Doesn't get much better than that

By Lustig_Junge | 16

#6666591 - Saturday 6 August 2016 20:44

Well, Oreos go breast with milk! ;D

COMMENTS

By stryder9090 | 28

#6666586 - Saturday 6 August 2016 20:42

Oreos and tits? Doesn't get much better than that

By salmanch | 15

#6666588 - Saturday 6 August 2016 20:43

Level.... of motivation ?

By Lustig_Junge | 16

#6666591 - Saturday 6 August 2016 20:44

Well, Oreos go breast with milk! ;D

blvcklvnd69 | 14

#6666698 - Sunday 7 August 2016 0:47

Lol I'm not going to lie I had to read that again to get it. Nice pun btw!

By enxhi96 | 21

#6666594 - Saturday 6 August 2016 20:48

Food is a good bribe for anything

By vinnie_boombotz | 15

#6666598 - Saturday 6 August 2016 20:52

Have him lick the cream off you

By Sannekee | 18

#6666614 - Saturday 6 August 2016 21:12

I know how it feels. I'm not sure pesos oreos will work for me at this point in our marriage :(

Ramisme | 12

#6667201 - Sunday 7 August 2016 22:55

maybe try communicating.

By tygerarmy | 35

#6666615 - Saturday 6 August 2016 21:13

Having an Oreo that was dipped in breasts is better than an Oreo dipped in milk, though they are very similar.

By species4872 | 19

#6666619 - Saturday 6 August 2016 21:14

Mmmmmm Oreos

xx000o | 27

#6666975 - Sunday 7 August 2016 12:43

Mmmmmm breastst!!!

By jcash52426 | 5

#6666627 - Saturday 6 August 2016 21:27

Isn't that uncomfortable? Why not lose the bra and cover yourself with whip cream

Felling | 14

#6666878 - Sunday 7 August 2016 6:54

This dude knows what's up.

Bearsmomma | 30

#6667459 - Monday 8 August 2016 7:53

I'm uncomfortable thinking about all those crumbs!

By cuz803 | 31

#6666632 - Saturday 6 August 2016 21:32

Use it. It's OK to use food and objects to spicen up your sex appeal.