Today, I had to hide some Oreos inside my bra to motivate my...

By . - 5/8/2016 16:57 - Germany - Neuwied

Today, I had to hide some Oreos inside my bra to motivate my husband to get close to me. FML

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Intimacy

Oh, hai!

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By RestlessDiesel - 18/4/2016 14:40 - United States - Hudson

Today, I pulled off the road to help a turtle cross it. Before I could get out of my car a dump truck ran over the turtle, splattering my car with turtle guts and bits of shell. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2009 20:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend came over to talk. She just got back from a small vacation. She asked me to feed her dogs while she was gone, so I did. I even stayed with them at times so they wouldnt get lonely. My girlfriend had come over to break up with me. She didn't do so earlier because she needed her dogs fed. FML

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By AbandonedHouseWife - 17/10/2012 20:16 - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I woke up and found a little note where my husband should have been. It said, "We've had some good times, hun, but it's time for me to move on." We've been married for 15 years, and have 3 children. FML

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By HighasaCloud - 10/12/2016 02:38

Today, while typing at my desk, I leaned back in my chair to stretch my arms. A spider dangling from the ceiling must have been watching me since it had perfect timing on its descent right into my open yawning mouth. FML

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By Cantseethroughdoors - 14/11/2017 05:00

Today, everyone was signing a birthday card to surprise a coworker. I was told to go find someone who hadn't signed it so I went to the office next to mine, opened the door, and told them about the card. The intended recipient was sitting behind the door. FML

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By fishwizard - 2/6/2017 20:00

Today, I used a tanning bed at my local gym for the first time. I went in for the full allowed time of 9 minutes. I went to school after and everybody said I looked like Trump. Confused, I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My skin is orange and matches with my bleach blonde hair. FML

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By thegoldenboy3 - 12/2/2009 12:14 - Spain

Today, I'm in Spain, and told the kids with whom I will be working that I was excited to be working with them. Only the form of excitement I used apparently refers to sexual excitement. Basically, I told the kids I was sexually aroused to be working with them. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2013 17:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after months of exercise and diets and finally reaching my ideal weight, I told my morbidly obese cousin about my success, hoping to motivate him to do the same. He replied, "Why would it matter, you're still ugly." FML

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By insomnia - 22/12/2011 15:23 - United States

Today, I was at work handling the cash register. It wasn't working correctly, so I apologized to the woman I was waiting on for the delay and explained, "The cash register's being a little retarded today." Then I noticed her clearly "special" adult son standing behind her. FML

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By Failed_Dad - 25/9/2015 05:42 - United States - Davis

Today, with the most certainty and confidence that I have ever seen in her, my 16-year-old daughter told me an egg is a fruit because of its "hard shell and growing seed." FML

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By Aaron - 26/8/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, I was watching a video about spiders. When I felt a tickle on my foot, I kicked hard in panic. It was one of our newborn kittens walking. I almost killed it. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2014 18:25 - Italy - Pistoia

Today, I found out that the generous gift from my boyfriend of a new iPhone was only given so he could use the "find my phone" function to make sure I'm always where I say I am each day. I'm being stalked by my own boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2015 10:33 - Australia - Maddington

Today, I got pulled over for speaking on my phone. I accepted the fine because I was too ashamed to tell the cute officer that I was actually trying to pop a huge pimple on my cheek. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2014 23:07 - United States - San Ramon

Today, my mother-in-law tried to "accidentally" run me over. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2013 17:38 - United States - Monroe

Today, an old lady steamrolled over my foot with her wheelchair, then laughed as she slowly rolled away, leaving my toes in ruins. FML

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By Kait - 5/4/2012 04:13 - United States

Today, I was cleaning the windows at work and a guy walked in so I opened the door for him. After I opened the door, he stood there with his eyes closed and his arms open. I thought he wanted a hug so I hugged him. Apparently he wanted me to spray him with Windex. FML

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By emzymcsmiles - 8/10/2019 02:00

Bye bye, then

Today, I learnt that I can't share my things with other people. This includes my girlfriend. FML

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By Caeru - 21/6/2011 07:08 - United States

Today, my mother tried to tell me that nicotine is the only substance that ensures weight loss, and that nicotine has been passed down in our family for over 5 generations of heavy smoking relatives. Then she encouraged me to start smoking. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2016 19:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandma got piss drunk off two glasses of wine and kept telling me how I'm "so... ROUND...!" FML

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By lifeofamusicteacher - 8/12/2016 01:22 - Hong Kong

Today, I got yelled at by parents of one of my students because their child didn't perform well at their Winter Concert. These are the same parents who told me months ago that I needed to be more lenient by allowing their kids to skip rehearsals. FML

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By joybirdnot_13 - 8/7/2009 12:08 - United States

Today, I was working at the mall as the girl that stands around giving out samples of the foods. This guy came up to me and we were flirting for at least 30 mins. With the tray in one hand, I gave him my cell to put his number in it. He ran away with my phone. FML

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By Catois - 5/3/2010 05:17 - United States

Today, I caught my dog attempting to shit on the carpet. When I saw him, I screamed. Startled, he ran around the house, continuing to take his shit. Now, I don't have to clean up a nice pile, I get to go on a scavenger hunt and find all of the scattered turds. FML

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By misshb - 18/1/2010 01:26 - United Kingdom

Today, my long term ex, who broke up with me over a year ago and shattered my heart, seduced me (which wasn't hard as he knew I still had feelings for him) and as he pulled out after the couple of minutes of what he called sex, he used the line "There we go, that's your freebie." FML

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By inhaler -.- - 6/10/2013 05:20 - United States - Huntsville

Today, it was my first time having a make out session with my boyfriend. I got so nervous that a few minutes into it, I had to stop to take my inhaler. This happened twice more afterwards. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2013 06:29 - Canada - Calgary

Today, at a restaurant, I happily watched as my boyfriend of three years got down on his knees and proposed to me. Before I could say yes and hug him, a girl flung herself at him, kissed him and shouted, "Yes!" With us still highly confused, she then ran away. FML

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By Jif_Creamy - 28/2/2016 05:00 - United States - Washington

Today, at my college, someone snatched my laptop out of my hands, so I chased him. Turns out I'm so overweight and slow that he moonwalked away facing me, while I sprinted my heart out. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2018 01:30

"shortcomings"

Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other, or so I thought. I heard her on the phone with her sister saying that I’m definitely the smallest dick she’s ever had, but the size of my bank account encourages her to overlook my shortcomings. FML

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By THATguy - 21/9/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I was at work when two sheriff's deputies walked in. They asked me my name and when I told them, they asked me to turn around and they cuffed me. They told me I was under arrest for robbery. Turns out I was mistakenly IDed, but now every one at my job thinks I'm an armed robber. FML

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By Peter - 27/12/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, we found out where our daughter had been hiding her crayons. We also found out why our stereo stopped working. FML

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By Inkabadger - 20/11/2009 18:41 - Canada

Today, since we hadn't been romantic for a long time, I shaved, took a bath, cut my hair and snuggled up to my husband in bed. He got up, went to the computer, masturbated to porn, came back to bed and asked me what was for breakfast. FML

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By Passtheicecream - 25/1/2017 22:00

Today, I found out that the last of my super feminist "I'm never getting tied to a man" college friends got engaged. Apparently, I should have tried that tactic, as my current partner in life is my goldfish. FML

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By TLJ321 - 18/5/2012 07:41

Today, I tried to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon. I ended up vomiting chunks of burgers, all while bleeding from the nose and suffering throbbing testicles. I then had to clean it all up. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2017 08:00 - United States

Today, I ordered some food to get delivered. When I opened the bag a fly flew out. FML

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By Useless training - 11/7/2014 06:04 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, we finished a sit-up test at school. I had been training for the athletic tests, so I was proud of my score. When someone asked what I got and I shared, proud, they responded with, "I bet it helps that your fat bounces you back up." FML

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By rubgy_lover - 27/6/2013 15:02 - Canada - Surrey

Today, at work, I politely asked a patron to be quieter; I was hit in the face. I work in a library. FML

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By Hollerz90 - 2/4/2020 23:00

Red Right Hand

Today, I came home to find my dad in my room, watching porn on my computer. When I asked him what he was doing, he closed the computer, stood up, stared at me awkwardly and then said, "You should really avoid those sites" and left my room. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2015 21:45 - United States - Freeport

Today, my husband got fired from his job as a maintenance man at our apartment complex for accidentally letting a hooker into someone's house. FML

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By qtpieo1 - 13/8/2010 16:14 - United States

Today, I was at the pool with two boys I baby sit. The eldest wouldn't get out of the pool so I pretended to call his dad. He then ran out of the pool, pushed me down, grabbed my phone, chucked it into the pool and then ran back into the pool. FML

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By ssnickel - 7/7/2009 21:29 - United States

Today, I accidentally dropped my birth control pill on the floor and my dog ate it. The good news is, I startled her and she spit it right out. The bad news is, I still had to take it after it had been in my dog's mouth. FML

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By chronic - 12/3/2017 02:00

Today, I'm on opioids due to severe pelvic pain. Taking them makes me constipated and increases my pain, which leads to taking more painkillers. I can choose to be in agony and the possibility of pooping, or be in slightly less pain and completely bunged up. FML

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Top comments

By stryder9090 | 28

#6666586 - Saturday 6 August 2016 20:42

Oreos and tits? Doesn't get much better than that

By Lustig_Junge | 16

#6666591 - Saturday 6 August 2016 20:44

Well, Oreos go breast with milk! ;D

Comments

By stryder9090 | 28

#6666586 - Saturday 6 August 2016 20:42

Oreos and tits? Doesn't get much better than that

By salmanch | 15

#6666588 - Saturday 6 August 2016 20:43

Level.... of motivation ?

By Lustig_Junge | 16

#6666591 - Saturday 6 August 2016 20:44

Well, Oreos go breast with milk! ;D

blvcklvnd69 | 14

#6666698 - Sunday 7 August 2016 0:47

Lol I'm not going to lie I had to read that again to get it. Nice pun btw!

By enxhi96 | 21

#6666594 - Saturday 6 August 2016 20:48

Food is a good bribe for anything

By vinnie_boombotz | 15

#6666598 - Saturday 6 August 2016 20:52

Have him lick the cream off you

By Sannekee | 18

#6666614 - Saturday 6 August 2016 21:12

I know how it feels. I'm not sure pesos oreos will work for me at this point in our marriage :(

Ramisme | 12

#6667201 - Sunday 7 August 2016 22:55

maybe try communicating.

By tygerarmy | 35

#6666615 - Saturday 6 August 2016 21:13

Having an Oreo that was dipped in breasts is better than an Oreo dipped in milk, though they are very similar.

By species4872 | 19

#6666619 - Saturday 6 August 2016 21:14

Mmmmmm Oreos

xx000o | 27

#6666975 - Sunday 7 August 2016 12:43

Mmmmmm breastst!!!

By jcash52426 | 5

#6666627 - Saturday 6 August 2016 21:27

Isn't that uncomfortable? Why not lose the bra and cover yourself with whip cream

Felling | 14

#6666878 - Sunday 7 August 2016 6:54

This dude knows what's up.

Bearsmomma | 30

#6667459 - Monday 8 August 2016 7:53

I'm uncomfortable thinking about all those crumbs!

By cuz803 | 31

#6666632 - Saturday 6 August 2016 21:32

Use it. It's OK to use food and objects to spicen up your sex appeal.