Today, I had a rubber band around my wrist for too long, and... - FML

By Anonymous - 29/7/2019 22:00 - United States

Today, I had a rubber band around my wrist for too long, and it ended up leaving faint red marks around my wrist. My mom saw them, thought they were scars, and is now convinced I'm a cutter, "like the ones I've seen on the news," and won't believe my story. FML

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Rock, hard place

Time don't heal nothing

Does it taste good?

By Nick - 13/8/2009 19:47 - United States

Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for something to drink. I found a jug of lemonade with a piece of paper on it saying "Mom's Lemonade, Don't Drink!" I was really thirsty, so I ignored it and drank the whole jug. My mom is about to have a colonoscopy and had filled it with laxatives. FML

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By omgstuupidd - 17/2/2013 14:27 - United States - Brewster

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to take a jog in an area we never been before. We then got lost. She actually thought that the tattoo on her arm of an open compass with north, east, south, and west would help us. FML

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By BURGERT0WN USA - 10/1/2016 19:46 - United States - Redmond

Today, I texted the girl I'm going to homecoming with in a couple days to say hi. The conversation started OK, but then morphed into her saying that she doesn't feel anything between us, and wants to stop being friends after the dance. I have to buy her dinner and a ticket, out of my own wallet. FML

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By MrsCasillas - 26/9/2013 06:24 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, my financial issues hit a new low when I had to borrow back some of the money I gave the guy who did my hair. FML

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By Pepe - 16/11/2008 05:54 - France

Today, my girlfriend said to me, "You know, you only have to wash 3 times a week to be clean." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2020 14:00

My husband's passion

Today, my husband loves his cat more than our new baby daughter. This morning he spent 2 hours playing with the cat, yet when I handed him his flesh and blood daughter, he found an excuse to hand her back after 5 minutes, then 5 minutes after that, he was playing with the cat again. FML

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By poopybed - 1/4/2011 21:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my dog is so lazy, she doesn't even get out of my bed in the morning to poop. FML

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By JustMyLuck - 12/2/2010 14:14 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to sleep over at his house. Then he found out that it was that time of the month for me, so he told me that he had to work this weekend and said "see you sometime next week." He doesn't have a job. FML

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By Lulu - 16/7/2017 00:30

Today, the first day of my 4-day weekend, I fell off my scooter. I'll have to spend the rest of my vacation bandaged and away from water. I'm on a beach. FML

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By lemonlime66 - 1/3/2017 22:00

Look Before You Leap

Today, while sitting in a busy store waiting area with my brother he went to the bathroom and came back with his hands cupped saying he found a mouse. He then threw it on the magazine in my lap. I jumped up screaming and flailing about while everyone stared and laughed. It was a piece of cotton. FML

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By Lizofsmeg - 26/10/2009 16:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking in the park when I was hit on the shin by a red ball. I was confused, until it was followed by an enormous German Shepherd dog going at top speed. FML

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By JimmyJazzNJ - 12/4/2009 02:51 - United States

Today, I was giving a tour on campus when one of my friends approached us and said "Don't go here, the weed's too expensive." and walked away. Thinking he's coming back to say he's joking, he instead says "Just kidding, its really cheap." and walked away. I may or may not still have a job. FML

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By Foufinator - 4/10/2009 19:33 - France

Today, I ordered a chicken sandwich. I was starving and it was the fastest thing to order. Half way through it, I found something which does not belong, and removed it. It was half a cockroach, and I don't know where the other half is. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2015 17:48 - United Kingdom - Glenrothes

Today, my boss bitched me out for violating workplace privacy, after he found an FML post from last year that eerily resembled a situation that happened the same year. He thought I posted it and twisted things to make him look like an idiot. I've never posted here in my life. FML

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By ouch - 7/8/2011 07:12 - Mexico

Today, I learned that my brakes don't work anymore on my bike. When did I learn this? While speeding down a really steep hill. FML

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By someonevexed - 1/2/2009 19:01 - Germany

Today, my boyfriend called me by his mother's name for the 100th time. I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2009 17:46 - Canada

Today, a parent came into my class and told one of my 6 year old students that their grandma died. Then the parent left. The kid started crying from the news, which then got all the other students crying. I spent the rest of the day comforting a class of kids crying over someone else's grandma. FML

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By missunlucky - 18/2/2010 00:24 - Czech Republic

Today, I was at a club with my friends and my friend got really drunk. Later on he came up to me and said he really needed to pee but he was too drunk to work the zipper, and asked if I could help. When I finally unzipped him, he was so desperate to go he pissed in my face. FML

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By Hungry - 3/9/2019 06:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Cheat day

Today, I conveniently "forgot" to write down a bunch of stuff, including a huge kebab, in my Weight Watchers food journal. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2010 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my cousin came to visit from America. While out shopping, she said loudly that she was having trouble finding clothes to fit around her huge fanny, causing a lot of people to stare in our direction. I had to explain to her that "fanny" in the UK means "vagina." FML

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By btswc - 21/5/2011 07:18 - United States

Today, I asked my husband, of only a year, why we don't have sex anymore. He said it's because he masturbates. When I asked how often he did it, he replied "Every day that we don't have sex..." FML

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By superdriver - 7/2/2011 17:46 - Mexico

Today, I was driving with my parents while explaining that young people like myself are better drivers because we have better reflexes. My explanation was suddently interrupted with the sound of me crashing the car against a parked car. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2013 18:03 - Germany - Augsburg

Today, I was awkwardly taking a dump at work, when a coworker in another stall started talking shit to me about our boss. I grunted and agreed, hoping he'd shut up and leave me alone. That's when a third guy sarcastically chimed in with insults from a third stall. It was our boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2013 10:01 - United States - Austin

Today, I came home to a flooded apartment and water still pouring from the ceiling. The woman who lives above me is shocked that I would consider her responsible for the damage and doesn't think she should have to pay for it. FML

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By bumpyroad - 17/4/2011 14:29 - Australia

Today, my husband and I were diagnosed with herpes. We've been together for five years and were both virgins before. Even the doctor couldn't give any other explanation. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2019 13:59

Time for a BBQ

Today, my friend hit a bird with her car. She asked me to get it off for her, so I reluctantly complied. It came off. In pieces. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2009 14:09 - United States

Today, I came home from a two-week overseas business trip. My wife was at work, but she came home for lunch. When she came in, she brushed right past me to hug and talk to her dog. When I mentioned it, she said, "But I haven't seen him all day!" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2017 06:00 - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, I was driving when a woman started crossing the street against the light at the upcoming intersection, so I slammed on the brakes and stopped short of hitting her. That's when she intentionally jumped onto my car and started screaming that I had "mowed her down". The cops believed her. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2015 00:37 - United States - Plano

Today, I went to the store with my 4-year-old daughter. When I went to change into tight jeans which weren't completely on, my daughter opened the curtain and yelled: "It's the mommy show!" Everyone there heard her and saw me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 07:31 - Canada

Today, a pretty co-worker invited me out for drinks after my shift. I have no money left until payday. Embarrassed, I had to decline and go home alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2018 01:30

Today, while bringing my baby an early-morning bottle, I tripped over a ball and fell into the glass coffee table, smashing it and cutting myself pretty badly. My husband slept through the whole thing, but the neighbors came by to tell me to keep it down. FML

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By kissrocks4 - 11/4/2012 07:04 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I got whiplash from sneezing. FML

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By anikah - 1/6/2014 21:53 - United States - Natchitoches

Today, I gave up trying to make any friends at my job as a firefighter. I'm the lone female, and am the subject of gossip with the older men. Anyone I try to befriend ends up hitting on me, while others won't even talk to me because their wives are jealous. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2015 19:37 - Guam - Barrigada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me over a stupid argument, but after a long day we made up and got back together. Not long afterwards, my friend called, feeling guilty and confessing that he had sex with her after finding out she'd dumped me. FML

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By baconlady - 31/8/2012 07:06 - United States

Today, I bought some perfume that I thought smelled absolutely amazing. Later, my boyfriend walked in, sniffed, and said, "What smells like bacon?" The bottle cost $83. They won't take a refund. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2015 17:17 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I mixed up my chapstick and cork grease. Now my clarinet smells like cherries, and my lips smell like a gym floor. FML

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By wowzers0889 - 28/4/2012 21:21 - United States - New York

Today, I was sent to a customer's house to switch out a washing machine. My boss had assured me that everything I'd need was already in the truck. Halfway there, I ran out of gas and I realized I didn't have the gas card. My boss says it's my fault. FML

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By Divorce? - 29/7/2017 00:30

Today, I came home and caught my husband in a compromising position. He was watching Twilight. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2009 14:31 - United States

Today, my brother and I were going to give our parents their anniversary gift which cost us over $3000. The gift was a trip to London in August to see a show on Michael Jackson's comeback tour. FML

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By DestinyJoy - 10/1/2017 13:47

Today, at Starbucks, I complimented the awkward nerdy barista's name tag because of the funny Sonic decorations on it. The dude took it as me flirting and gave me my drink with Sonic drawn on it. I had applied to work there and now I can't go back. FML

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Top comments

By Miss_Whipped | 42

#7826802 - Monday 29 July 2019 23:02

So just wait an hour or two.

By minkyrose | 1

#7826859 - Tuesday 30 July 2019 1:59

I disagree. cutting is serious, and rubber band marks wear off. either you're not telling a complete truth, or your mother will be convinced you're not a cutter in the morning. scars don't shrink and go away in a day.

Comments

By Miss_Whipped | 42

#7826802 - Monday 29 July 2019 23:02

So just wait an hour or two.

By minkyrose | 1

#7826859 - Tuesday 30 July 2019 1:59

I disagree. cutting is serious, and rubber band marks wear off. either you're not telling a complete truth, or your mother will be convinced you're not a cutter in the morning. scars don't shrink and go away in a day.

Reply

Darebearius | 7

#7826875 - Tuesday 30 July 2019 3:34

What exactly are you disagreeing with here? I'm sure op has common sense and wouldn't lie about it. Insinuating they're lying about it is off-standish.

By sisoladra | 20

#7826920 - Tuesday 30 July 2019 5:47

Well, once it fades you'll have your proof and both probably have a good laugh over it. So don't stress to much.

By mssileas | 25

#7826942 - Tuesday 30 July 2019 7:39

I've been a cutter for a long time, never tried to go full circle around my wrist. What an odd thought.
I'd say wait an hour to show her the faded lines, but she'll just think you're a magic healer...

By alycion | 38

#7827025 - Tuesday 30 July 2019 10:45

Not uncommon for those trying to break or hide self harming to use a rubber band on the wrist. Be happy she noticed and is taking it seriously. Because if you were suffering, you’d most likely lie about it and not get help. Let her ease her mind and know you can actually talk to her about these things.