Health: Today, I got random constipation followed by diarrhea. It's 1:30am... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Perrysburg

Today, I got random constipation followed by diarrhea. It's 1:30am and my sleeping medication is making me fall asleep, but every time I try to get off the toilet I get another diarrhea spasm. Either I fall asleep on the toilet or shit myself in my sleep. FML

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Out of it

Investing in the future

Got it

By Anonymous - United States

Today, is my little sister's 16th birthday. I spent my last $20 on a gift for her, cleaned the house for her party, made an ice cream cake, and got her a rose. What did I get? "I hope you kept the receipt for this. Oh, and stay in your room during my party." FML

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By MrDanito - Czech Republic - Lysa Nad Labem

Today, I never thought I would see a blowjob from the perspective of the viewer, but it happened, in our open-space office. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2021 23:00 - United States

Stuck

Today, while on my way to deliver aluminum to a customer on top of a really steep hill, there wasn't enough room to do a U-turn without clipping a vehicle. I had to go through some mud, so now the company semi is bumper-deep in it. FML

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By shotdown - United States

Stop! Hammertime!

Today, in the middle of hot passionate sex with my husband, he stops and tells me he won't be able to finish until I go brush my teeth. FML

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By Boar - United States - Albuquerque

Today, while I was waiting at a red light, another car slammed into me. By the time I got out to assess the damage, the other car was empty and there was nobody in sight. Either Moby Dickwad was abducted by aliens mid-crash, or he was behind on his insurance payments. FML

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By McFizzy321 - United States - Merritt Island

Today, I went on a cruise. I gave my bags to a porter, and tipped him $5. Later that night, my bags still hadn't arrived at my room, and that's when I realized that I'd paid a fake porter to steal my bags. FML

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By keerta_fml

Today, while volunteering to feed the homeless, one of them asked me to follow him to his car where he had a knife and bottle so he could "bottle up my blood". FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2021 00:00 - Romania - Campina

Unfulfilled

Today, my alarm rang just as I was about to have a wet dream with my husband. This is the closest I got to having sex in weeks. FML

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By Lewis - Australia

Today, I walked in the door and heard my husband calling me to the bedroom. I got a little excited, took my clothes off, and walked into the bedroom. I forgot our mortgagor was inspecting our house today. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I had to get my hair chopped off for a role that I'm playing in a show. I was staring at the floor while the woman cut my hair, and I suddenly heard her start crying. Her tears were immediately followed by "It's okay! I have a friend in New York who can fix it. We won't charge you." FML

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By Anonymous

You wanker!

Today, my brother arrived at the cabin we’re staying at on a trip. He insisted he got the bed I chose. My father responded, "You wouldn’t want the bed if you knew what he did in it last night." I laughed until I realized there's a mirror where he could've easily seen "what I did last night." FML

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By emilygreeny - United States

Today, I learned that you should never, ever, under any circumstance, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. FML

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By chocolaterabbit - Australia

Today, my friends created a fake Facebook profile of a girl, and asked me to be in a relationship. Even my friends think I can't get a real girlfriend, and need a fake one to feel better. FML

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By - United States - Spokane

Today, I got rear ended. The guy flashed his lights at me to pull over, so I pulled into the side of the road. He drove away. FML

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By ineedsleep - Finland - J?rvenp

Today, I found out that there's a very loud and frisky couple living above my bedroom, and a family with a crying baby living above my living room. At this rate, I'll end up sleeping in the bathtub in my own home. FML

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By mylifeeee - United States

Today, in art class we finally had the critique for the self portraits we've been working on for a month. We critique a few and come to mine. Everyone is silent. Finally, one girl says "I'm just going to be blunt. It doesn't look like you. You're not that pretty." Everyone nods. FML

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By Brittany - United States

Today, I typed an essay on my friend's computer, so she forwarded it to me in a email and she made the subject "here bitch" as a joke. I then went to email the essay to my teacher. I forwarded it thinking nothing of it only to realize that I didn't change the subject name. FML

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By Holyguacamoly - Iceland

Today, at work I had to explain to a client that male dogs can wear red collars and it doesn't make them "gay". The client then got angry and stormed out of the store, causing me to get written up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having sex with my husband, he went soft. When I asked him what happened he said, "I'm about to fall asleep." He then plopped down on my chest and began to snore. FML

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By Ishikur - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I tried to explain autism to my classmates. One of them, a professional cunt who's always looking for an excuse to lecture people, accused me of being "ableist" because my explanations weren't accurate, and said I shouldn't explain things I don't understand. I'm actually autistic. FML

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By IVOaf - United States

Today, as I tried to get out of bed, I got my foot tangled in my sheets. I reached out to my dresser to avoid falling flat on my face. I didn't fall, but I did manage to smash my fingers in the drawer while still trapped in the sheets. FML

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By vw - United States

Today, I was talking to my grandpa while he was gardening outside. Suddenly I feel this hard, salty thing fly into my mouth and I spit it out. It turned out to be a beetle. My grandpa takes one look at the beetle and says, "Well, at least that poor bug finally got you to shut up." FML

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By blondie101 - United States

Today, I drank a fifth of vodka before I took my political science final. My professor later called me to tell me that I had written "Obama is a beautiful chocolate man" to every essay question. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to treat my yeast infection over the counter to avoid going to the doctor. Too bad I didn't read the directions. Now I have to go to the doctor to get the tip of the applicator removed. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, after going on a blind date with a man I had met on facebook, we decided to go back to his apartment. All was going good until he took off his pants, only to reveal that he was wearing a diaper. FML

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By Oh_Well - United States

Today, I finally had time to talk with my boyfriend. We had a nice long conversation, which included him telling me how much I meant to him and that we really need to see each other more often. He concluded the speech twenty minutes later with "Which is why I really hope we can stay friends". FML

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By Anna - United States - Buellton

Today, I was driving my parrot home from the vet. As I was driving home, I decided to let her sit on my shoulder. Something scared her, and she started flapping in my face, causing me to crash my car into a tree. FML

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By chelle - United States

Today, I was laying in bed naked and blindfolded. I told my boyfriend he could do anything he wanted to me. About 30 minutes later I get out of bed and find him in the computer room play World of Warcraft. His friends needed him. FML

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By ThunderThighs - United States - Flemington

Today, I was so ashamed of my weight when I sat down and the suction of my thighs made a loud fart noise, I admitted to it being a fart rather than my fat rolls. FML

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By damncat - United States

Today, while driving, I witnessed the neighbors dog viciously shaking a black cat. So I slammed on the brakes and jumped out of the car, frantically chasing around the huge dog screaming "Help, someone please help!" I finally managed to tackle him and release the cat. It was a stuffed animal. FML

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By Ohshit - United States

Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML

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By WTFwhywouldyoudothat - United Kingdom

Today, my house got broken into. Thankfully they didn't steal anything. They did, however, move things around into strange places and mess up my underwear. I have severe OCD, so this is probably worse than if they had taken everything. FML

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By assholedad - United States - Dayton

Today, I came back from the doctor after having been diagnosed with a UTI. My dad now won't shut up about it, saying stuff like, "You must be 'pissed'", "Looks like 'urine' a bit of pain", and "'Urea'-lly need some antibiotics, son", all while making obnoxious finger quotes in the air. FML

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By GodSquad - United Kingdom - Blackburn

Today, I found out that the girl I've fallen in love with is a "young-earth/dinosaurs-lived-with-humans" crackpot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sandston

Today, my boyfriend said that he doesn't have to marry me because we coincidentally have the same last name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I shaved my beard off. Turns out the skin under my beard is six shades lighter than the rest of my face. I look completely ridiculous. FML

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By Anonymous

Self-sabotage

Today, I was hanging out with a guy friend I hadn't seen for ages. The sexual tension was off the charts. We were making out and think were progressing, hands were roaming to both nether regions when I freaked out and blurted out, "But aren't we just friends?" We then sat and watched TV. FML

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By fucked - United States - San Francisco

Today, I landed my first job as a security officer. Only after I signed all the paperwork did I find out that the area I'll be working is apparently a hotspot for violent shootings. I'm screwed. FML

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By YaytoSeniorYear

Today, my roommate revealed that she's dating my ex. I later had to navigate around them caressing each other just to grab my noodles from the microwave. FML

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By alynna007 - United States - Lakewood

Today, I overheard my mother telling my sister that she expects my marriage to fall apart any day now. Apparently, I have no concept of what "marriage" really means. My husband and I just celebrated our 7th anniversary, while my mother is planning her 5th wedding. FML

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Top comments

By jen_jalapeno | 10

#7699878 - Thursday 27 September 2018 5:10

One obviously sounds better than the other lol

By real life problems | 26

#7699889 - Thursday 27 September 2018 6:00

Just sleep on the toilet

COMMENTS

By jen_jalapeno | 10

#7699878 - Thursday 27 September 2018 5:10

One obviously sounds better than the other lol

By donb23 | 23

#7699888 - Thursday 27 September 2018 6:00

Time to get some “Depends “

By real life problems | 26

#7699889 - Thursday 27 September 2018 6:00

Just sleep on the toilet

By Rexroy101 | 0

#7699892 - Thursday 27 September 2018 6:04

Turn around. Put your legs on either side of the back of the toilet... feels super weird, but then you can use the tank to rest your head on. If you can't go back to bed to grab a pillow, use some towels or toilet paper to soften the surface and protect yourself from the cold porcelain. Only weird part is that your feet are near the back of the toilet, where you don't clean well... Only works on standard toilets

By rodfergie | 18

#7699893 - Thursday 27 September 2018 6:04

Sleeping on the crapper seems obvious, but hey, what do I know. You might like that warm wet feeling in bed.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7699916 - Thursday 27 September 2018 7:48

I don’t know which option you should choose, but definitely don’t apply for that coffin challenge!

By Rianna N Bodhi Freeman | 9

#7699942 - Thursday 27 September 2018 9:21

Well, you're in for a shitty night...

By Jeremy Phillips | 18

#7699956 - Thursday 27 September 2018 9:50

Looks like you’re shit outta luck.

By Athens Mahrt | 5

#7699974 - Thursday 27 September 2018 10:35

poop

Reply

Hejira Hayes | 8

#7700162 - Thursday 27 September 2018 14:54

They've tried that.

By Nakomai | 17

#7699983 - Thursday 27 September 2018 10:58

Sleep in the bathtub/shower and rise off when you wake up.