Today, I got a call from my girlfriend of 13 months. She told...

By Godi - United States

Today, I got a call from my girlfriend of 13 months. She told me that she had gotten chlamydia from the guy she cheated on me with, and that I most likely have it too. I gave her a diamond ring, she gave me chlamydia. FML

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Intimacy

Instadrama

Misheard

Great quality control

By wtf1234 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a picnic. After we finished eating he laid down, closed his eyes, and put his head in my lap. At the exact second that I bent down to kiss him, he jumped up to get the Frisbee. We both have bloody noses. FML

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By bittersweet - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

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By Sal - United States

Today, I found a used condom and wrapper in the bathroom trash can at my girlfriends house. The condom is not a brand I've ever used. She lives alone. FML

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By pops up - United States

Today, I sat on Santa's lap. He got an erection. FML

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By failallday - Australia - Brisbane

Today, one of my customer's pipes were blocked. As I went to unblock it, about a handful of used condoms collided with my face. I don't know if I should be disgusted by this or disgusted by my customer. FML

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By ice4eva

Today, I was eating pizza and I started bitching about how our campus doesn't have any healthy food choices, and that I was forced to eat this disgusting, greasy pizza. My friend then pointed out that I was standing next to the salad bar. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my mom picked up my dog from the groomers. I came home to find a small female terrier on our couch. My dog is a full grown male maltese. What's worse is that it took me a full 20 minutes to convince my mom that she had picked up the wrong dog. FML

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By SomeGuyInNY - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, I volunteered to tend bar at a friend's charity event. I was called incompetent and had a drink thrown at me for stirring a martini instead of shaking "like they do in James Bond". I've been tending bar for 30 years and have never had a drink thrown at me before. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up from sleeping at my friends house with a bunch of other people, with my waist long hair cut into chunks on my pillow. FML

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By belly the jelly

A job well done.

Today, I asked my husband to deal with the very large spider in our kitchen. Rather than a newspaper or a slipper, he went after it with an aerosol can and a lighter. The spider is now dead, but so are the wall and cupboards in my kitchen. FML

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By Lazyuser2849 - United States - Arlington

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. To this, she said, "You need to meet more people."FML

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By Anonymous

Definitely done that

Today, at work, I put my earphones in to listen to some music. An hour later, I realised I never pressed play. FML

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By sarahbeth93 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend to stop tickling me, since I absolutely hate being tickled. He got extremely pissed at me and left the room. It took me a full five minutes to realize that I'd called him by my ex's name. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Pinner

Today, as always, I'm so flat-chested and childlike in appearance that my boyfriend successfully passed me off as his little sister to save money at a restaurant. FML

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By jessicab72 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I got into THE party of the year. Too bad it was the party my daughter was throwing while her father and I were out of town. FML

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By MooCow - United States

Today, my best friend told me to face my fear of cows and hop over the fence in with them. This resulted in me being chased by a raging cow, and thrusting myself head first over a fence. FML

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By Anonymous - Hungary - Budapest

Today, my mother-in-law turned up at my doorstep close to midnight, drunk off her tits, crying about how my wife is punishing her and throwing her life away by marrying me. FML

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By WiltedFlower - United States

Today, I gave my wife of four years a special anniversary gift: a red rose dipped in liquid gold so that she would cherish and admire it forever. She told me it was too "Italian" looking. I now have a hundred dollar rose sitting in my office. FML

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By ohgodwhy - Canada - Brampton

Today, a customer at the Walmart I work at had a hissy fit and began throwing merchandise everywhere, including at my face, because we are Canadian and don't have a show called "Extreme Couponing" for "devoted shoppers" like her. FML

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By hotpatata - United States

Today, I sneezed my jaw out of socket. Yes, this is possible. FML

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By noway6000 - United States

Today, my parents left for work before I had to leave for school and I decided to skip. I stayed by the phone, expecting the school to call so I could pose as my parent and excuse my absence. The phone rings and I pick up. It's my Mom, calling to leave my dad a message on the machine. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got so angry at losing in FIFA, I punched a hole in my wall and strained my back and neck doing it. Now I have to lie down on my back because it's too painful to move. FML

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By helpme - United States - Annapolis

Today, I started dreaming about being at work. I already work more hours a week than I requested, and I live right across from my work and can see it out my window. I can never leave. FML

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By Ugh - United States

Today, I discovered that the ancient looking coin I dug up in my front yard is worth hundreds of dollars. Too bad I found that coin when I was eight years old, and have since misplaced it. FML

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By ZAS - United States

Today, my mom and I rented a hotel room. She decided to go to bed, while I watched MythBusters. Apparently, my mom got hot while she slept. She threw the covers off of herself and pulled up her night-gown. I turned to find out that my mother does not wear underwear when she sleeps. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my boyfriend randomly decided to let me know that he believes there's really no such thing as cheating, unless both partners explicitly agree that the relationship is monogamous. And no, he wouldn't agree that ours is. FML

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By jackie89 - United Kingdom - Redruth

Today, my husband and I attended a funeral. After the service, my phone vibrated. It was a text from my husband, saying "I've got mourning wood like you wouldn't believe! get it? MOURNING. haha :D" I looked up and saw him across the room, winking at me. Not the place, honey. FML

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By omaha24 - 29/4/2020 02:00

Birthday blues

Today, my loneliness pushed me to buy a pack of cigarettes just so I had to show my ID to the clerk, hoping he would wish me a happy birthday. I don't even smoke and he didn't say anything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter learned that if she rips a toy out of its package in front of a store employee, mommy will be forced to buy it. She now has two new toys today. FML

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By Niquesha - United States

Today, while trying on an outfit in the dressing room at the mall, I got locked in. I decided to take 5 minutes to try and get out by crawling under the door. After I got out, I realized I left my cell phone, my purse and my pants inside. FML

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By Lilo4life - United States - San Francisco

Today, I discovered that I am just tall enough and my hair is just long enough, to get caught in the ceiling fan if I flip it over to dry it. FML

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By torny>horny - United States

Today, my husband tried to be romantic by throwing me in a bed laid with roses. Too bad he forgot to remove the thorns first. FML

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By LemonTree - Hungary

Today, I realized that I ran out of deodorant. On top of that, I was late to work so I had to run, making me all sweaty and smelly. To cover it up, I used the air-freshener in the toilet at work. Everyone recognized the "Lemon Tree" scent and now all of my colleagues think I'm a cheap bastard. FML

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By jen - United States

Today, I realized I have no life after I created a fake Facebook account, posted an insulting message on my wall, and then engaged in a vicious argument with it, just so I could impress my friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - La Marque

Today, my boyfriend called me anti-social. To prove him wrong I texted one of my friends. She texted back, "Who's this??" FML

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By aprilfools22 - United States

Today, I got my tongue pierced, then went to a pet store. A clerk came up to ask if I needed help. I showed him I already had some fish, and said, "No thanks." He must have thought I was "special," as he bent down and in a baby voice, said "You got fishy? FISHY FISHY FISHY!" while poking the bag. FML

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By FlyingFist - United States

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying I needed to come home immediately. When I got there, he informed me that the reason I needed to rush home from work was because he wiped a booger on the wall and it was in the shape of a penis. He said it's a sign, like when people see Jesus in toast. FML

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By ShiriSarah - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a video of myself filmed last night, hammered, climbing my wardrobe screaming, "I WANT TO GO TO NARNIA" while naked. FML

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By -_- - United States - Lahaina

Today, I woke up to a warm bed, the morning sunlight bathing my face, and my boyfriend sneaking my credit card out of my purse. FML

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By engineerdude91 - United States

Today, I realized the benefits at Burger King are better than at my company. I'm an engineer, have three degrees, speak three languages fluently, and work at a multi-billion dollar company. The guy flipping burgers has better health care and more corporate 401k contributions than I do. FML

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Top comments

By xMrAndyTranx | 4

#713998 - Thursday 10 December 2009 23:09

Wow..... take the ring back and dump her ass

By musicislife1995_fml | 0

#714035 - Thursday 10 December 2009 23:33

your girlfriend is now a blinged up, cheating whore with a grotty vagina.

COMMENTS

By xMrAndyTranx | 4

#713998 - Thursday 10 December 2009 23:09

Wow..... take the ring back and dump her ass

drsheena | 0

#1522116 - Saturday 9 October 2010 15:29

that's why you don't get into relationships with a hooker.

darebear331 | 4

#3863381 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 0:53

That should be a song or something.

By musicislife1995_fml | 0

#714035 - Thursday 10 December 2009 23:33

your girlfriend is now a blinged up, cheating whore with a grotty vagina.

brick0 | 11

#6684485 - Tuesday 6 September 2016 20:02

Grotty vagina. I love the word choice

By TheLoneWolf87 | 4

#714037 - Thursday 10 December 2009 23:30

STDs: The gift that keeps on giving!

Merry Christmas

By magenkyo | 0

#714046 - Thursday 10 December 2009 23:37

tell everyone that she has it. take your ring back

By perdix | 29

#714048 - Thursday 10 December 2009 23:39

You should have given her a pubic zirconium instead.

k43L1 | 0

#714677 - Friday 11 December 2009 5:23

worthy comment of +10 hilarity

DanielleTheOne | 3

#779536 - Sunday 17 January 2010 12:22

LOL ur comments are always so funny.. But did you get that from shanaynay?? lol if u dont know what it is then nvm

peacelove1297 | 0

#805932 - Friday 29 January 2010 1:34

omg I love shanaynay

DanielleTheOne | 3

#812198 - Sunday 31 January 2010 10:48

LOL same :D

brownsugarbear | 1

#3030688 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 18:37

cubic? o.O

alexm501 | 0

#3634461 - Friday 25 November 2011 6:45

I see what you did there

By boredomkills89 | 0

#714073 - Thursday 10 December 2009 23:52

What a bitch. i would slap the taste out of her mouth.

By schwinn11 | 0

#714078 - Thursday 10 December 2009 23:54

ok-here's what you do.
wait a week, call her back and tell her you tested positive for HIV.
it really wont fix nothing but it will be funny for awhile.
once that wears off go put sugar in her gas tank, and take a baseball bat to the dude she cheated with

By Punderous | 0

#714079 - Thursday 10 December 2009 23:55

That was Epic, Perdix.

By Brookiepooh | 0

#714095 - Friday 11 December 2009 0:04

That Makes So Mad. id kick her ass.

By koifish81 | 0

#714163 - Friday 11 December 2009 0:46

I'd slap that bitch , fyl indeed