Love: Today, I found out that just because you're drunk, it doesn't... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 103

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 690

You deserved it 111

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 631

You deserved it 42

04/12/2009 17:33

Today, I found out that just because you're drunk, it doesn't make it okay to call your mother-in-law a fat slag. However, it does make it okay for your wife to knee you in the snow globes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 969

You deserved it 47 140

Just a prank, bro!

The one with the asshole friend

The virus claims another victim

It's not you, it's him

By Anonymous - 02/10/2021 23:01

Spicy

Today, after telling my boyfriend I never achieved an orgasm with any of my past partners, and therefore telling him what I need to get there, he won't even touch me, let alone do anything "down there" because he has never done it on any of his past girlfriends, and thinks it's gross. I make sure to always be fresh and clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 708

You deserved it 194

17/09/2010 08:19

Today, my mom was going through the newspaper and cutting out coupons for me to use. She hands me two of them, one for tampons and the other for a pregnancy test saying "well, you're gonna need one or the other this month." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 677

You deserved it 7 321

18/07/2009 20:10

Today, I was meeting the mayor of a major city as part of an internship program. Seated directly in front of him during his presentation on the budget crisis, he unleashed an enormous, foul fart in front of the entire audience. And then blamed it on me, everyone believed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 331

You deserved it 3 124

26/08/2011 07:35

Today, I went to a club. The only guy who asked me to dance introduced himself as "Bird Dog." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 352

You deserved it 3 653

Play 4′33″ by John Cage

By NonPianoMan - 26/08/2021 16:01

Today, after I'd told this girl I’m seeing that I play piano to impress her, it turns out her father is a pianist and has a grand piano in their house. Tonight, I’m supposed to go to her place to play her my "favorite piece." FML

I agree, your life sucks 162

You deserved it 1 947

Infectious laugh

By Anonymous - 23/02/2021 00:30

Spicy

Today, I'd always been scared of meeting someone from Tinder, so I was really reassured when my first Tinder date went really well. I kept seeing the guy. He then gave me herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 075

You deserved it 381

19/01/2011 05:45

Today, I was going to the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. I had awful diarrhea and was almost done, when I noticed a spider on the ground. Being terrified, I took a giant ball of toilet paper to kill it. I realized then that I had no toilet paper left to use. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 691

You deserved it 35 016

26/10/2009 04:25

Spicy

Today, I saw an article that Burger King is selling a whopper with seven patties in celebration of the Windows Seven release. Upon reading this, I immediately got an extremely forceful erection. I think this is a sign to stop putting off that diet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 725

You deserved it 10 419

01/12/2009 07:05

Today, I heard my cat climbing on the counters in the kitchen. To prevent a tremendous avalanche of dishes, I picked up the cat and put it outside. She got scared from the blinds and scurried away leaving deep scratches across my nipple. I wasn't wearing a shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 111

You deserved it 16 572

18/01/2013 03:48

Today, a bull escaped from the small farm down the street. It ended up in my yard and would not let me outside. I called animal control, who said, "We only deal with regular animals." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 393

You deserved it 2 492

07/02/2011 08:38

Today, after hanging up the phone, I realised that telemarketers are my only form of social life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 528

You deserved it 6 143

06/08/2013 16:01

Today, I was feeling down because I always think that I'm overweight. My boyfriend tried to prove me wrong by lifting me up. I threw his back out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 741

You deserved it 9 897

19/09/2011 04:41

Today, my dad asked to borrow some money off me, so I said okay. Later on, he told me he'll be using it to help divorce my mom. I pretty much just helped pay for my parents' divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 391

You deserved it 2 965

22/01/2010 05:08

Today, I spent 3 hours in my home recording studio. I was recording vocals and was trying to hit a very hard series of notes. I nailed it after 2 hours and listened. You can hear the vocals, but the EQ settings were tweaked in just the right way where you can hear my dog licking his nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 922

You deserved it 5 624

18/01/2010 08:28

Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss just looked at me and said, "No. You can't quit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 327

You deserved it 6 740

07/03/2010 14:08

Spicy

Today, I found out how mature the guy I'm seeing is. After sex, he took the condom off and hit me in the face with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 881

You deserved it 6 751

22/05/2009 19:50

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years and I decided to have sex for the first time. When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91 791

You deserved it 11 572

14/03/2012 15:19

Today, my husband thought it would be funny to drive my car through a flock of vultures eating road kill. Since a bird hit the mirror and broke it, I now have to pay for a replacement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 080

You deserved it 3 835

25/06/2009 16:22

Today, while I was working a customer notified me that the men's restroom need some attention. Thinking that there was just a small mess, I walked into the restroom only to discover someone had taken a crap in the sink. Guess who got to clean it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 043

You deserved it 3 077

15/12/2018 06:30

Today, my son was looking through old photos and showed me a picture of myself and asked who it was. When I told him it was me, he responded by saying "But mommy, the lady in the picture is not fat!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 300

You deserved it 470

29/06/2016 22:12

Today, a guy who likes me a little too much, and who I asked to tone his advances down a little, sent me a message on Twitter, Facebook and by text message to apologize. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 327

You deserved it 1 017

04/04/2009 14:03

Today, I was fixing my makeup in the back room of the office when my boss walked in. He looked kind of annoyed so I jokingly said "Don't you want your secretary to look good?" He said, "If I did I wouldn't have hired you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 526

You deserved it 14 287

31/05/2009 17:38

Today, I thought I would make my first trip to the beach. While in the water, I was stung by a jellyfish. My friend had to pee on me. I went back into the water to wash the pee off and got stung by another jellyfish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 329

You deserved it 10 899

15/01/2013 20:56

Today, after a long, horrible day at work and some fighting with my family and my girlfriend, I decided to cheer myself up by going to McDonald's for a change. I burst into tears when the cashier told me they couldn't make me a Mars McFlurry because they'd run out of ingredients. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 880

You deserved it 8 548

TMI

By Anonymous - 26/09/2010 23:52

Spicy

Today, I learned that my girlfriend gives good head. I didn't find out by getting one, I found out by my drunk best friend telling me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 737

You deserved it 3 008

14/06/2019 02:00

Today, I bought some mandarins so that there would be at least one healthy thing in my shopping basket, and I wouldn’t feel like such a fat lard at the checkout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 779

You deserved it 1 391

24/07/2015 17:59

Today, I was telling 3 classmates on Whatsapp about my depression. One of them told me to "nut up n grow a pear." Two hours after we mocked him for being an illiterate jackass, one of us has had our car tires knifed and another's house has been egged. I'm terrified of what will happen to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 714

You deserved it 5 305

11/06/2016 12:39

Today, I told my dad about my new diet. He somehow figured I was only doing it to look more attractive to guys, because he told me my weight is fine and that it's just my personality that needs work. Thanks a lot, Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 346

You deserved it 1 697

22/03/2009 02:38

Today, I went out for coffee with a guy I really like. We met up at the local café, and decided to sit at a counter in front of the window. We talked and flirted for a while. Then he kissed me, and while he was kissing me someone banged on the window. It was my parents. They didn't know I'm gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 100 685

You deserved it 35 584

Perfect

By Julian - 05/05/2021 02:01

Spicy

Today, according to my wife, our life together is perfect. The only problem is that I no longer turn her on, haven’t for a while, so she wants my permission to have meaningless one-night stands with strangers on Tinder while carrying on with our perfect, sexless married life together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 824

You deserved it 151

12/08/2009 04:13

Today, I was in the car for 8 hours driving home from North Carolina with my family. We brought my dog along and I was petting her for most of the ride. I thought she fell asleep, so I continued to play with her. She never woke up. I played with a dead dog for almost an hour and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 806

You deserved it 4 598

26/02/2010 09:09

Today, on the train to work, the train guard was hot and I became stupidly nervous. I'm very shy and was trying to avoid eye-contact. He said 'THANK YOU', in a pissed off tone of voice and glared at me. I had absent-mindedly been staring in the direction of his prosthetic arm the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 806

You deserved it 7 009

27/12/2012 10:16

Today, my cat had the greatest idea ever: hide inside our Christmas tree and attack anyone who walks past. It would have come as extremely funny to me if I hadn't been her first victim. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 209

You deserved it 8 201

Devil parents

By Pandaling - 26/01/2020 05:00

Today, my mother-in-law said: "People who don't have kids are children of the devil." I'm infertile, she knows this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 651

You deserved it 121

28/08/2012 04:29

Today, my son, who seems to think that he is a "gangsta" despite being a white boy from the suburbs, cried because I accidentally burned his grilled cheese. He's 28. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 742

You deserved it 6 512

07/07/2011 04:04

Today, a sweet old lady gave up her seat for me in the bus. She lectured to the entire bus that seats should be given to those in need, like myself who is heavily pregnant. I am just fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 817

You deserved it 23 501

27/05/2011 05:46

Today, I made a fresh juice for a customer. He called the cops because the juice was too acidic for him. He sat in a corner and waited for two hours for them to arrive. Obviously, they didn't turn up. So he yelled at me and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 385

You deserved it 3 174

14/01/2011 10:11

Today, I got off work and checked my makeup in the mirror once I got in my car. I had a huge piece of spinach on my front tooth that no one told me about. I work the front desk of an upscale hotel and have been greeting guests all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 853

You deserved it 5 337

09/01/2011 18:25

Today, it's been a full week since my last orthodontist appointment and I still can't eat anything besides Slimfast and pudding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 403

You deserved it 3 250

14/07/2018 01:30

Today, my ex of 2 months, who I'm on good terms with, posted an Instagram photo with her new boyfriend, captioned "Love you babe, 4 months have never been sweeter." I've never been good at math, but 4 seems bigger than 2. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 166

You deserved it 276

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:19

props to OP for coming up with an original way to reference your unit. I was getting sick of all these idiots saying hap sac

redbluegreen 40

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:31

At least she didn't grab and decide to violently shake them.

Comments

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:15

im not gonna say it... im not gonna say it... ok, first?

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Saturday 5 December 2009 5:09

hahaha. they found out a way to get ppl to shut about the first thing. anyway YDI for insulting her mom but that does not mean its okay for her to hit OP's cancerous balls. when u hit them there thats like smacking a million of his babies. (maybe she was trying to cure the tumor on ur balls?)

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Monday 9 August 2010 16:51

What's with these women...? Always going straight for the reproductive organs...

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:16

YDI for saying snow globes, I'm being serious. SAY BALLS/TESTICLES.

Intellectualist 0

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:17

*Testicles

nokillnobeepbeep 0

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:21

At least he didn't happy sacks.

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:23

Were you correcting the fact I put testicles in caps..?

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:24

Wow, they're using snow globes now? This is getting pathetic...

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:27

Seriously. What's so wrong about using the words balls or testicles?

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:27

get over it damn

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:47

Hey, it's nearly Christmas, just getting into the spirit by naming his balls after a holiday decoration.

Intellectualist 0

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:48

I was correcting the fact that you originally wrote 'testacles' Don't lie, I saw it.

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Saturday 5 December 2009 0:04

Don't lie, I never misspelled "testicles," e.o

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Saturday 5 December 2009 0:27

Why did you correct how he spelt testicles?

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Saturday 5 December 2009 4:10

maybe she kicked the snowglobes he had lying around on a shelf? you are a moron for coming to false conclusions all the time

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Saturday 5 December 2009 4:18

She kneed 'him' in the snowglobes? or perhaps he has glass snowglobes surgically attached to him on some other part of the body!

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Saturday 5 December 2009 6:26

saying snow globes is way more funny than saying balls or testicles. your sense of humor = zero

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Saturday 5 December 2009 17:01

"snow globes"? aren't we the optimist?

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Wednesday 10 March 2010 15:19

Snow globes or other interesting synonyms are just more funny.

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:16

Second! And lmfao "snow globes"

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:17

it's ok to call your mother in law a fat slag, just not to your wife.

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Tuesday 9 October 2012 1:03

#5, alcohol has been around for a few thousand years, people aren't just going to stop making it.

imanethesmart 0

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:17

YDI for drinking period Who calls nuts/balls snow globes? First!!

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Saturday 12 February 2011 15:45

first to fail

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Saturday 22 October 2011 16:54

Wait, what does YDI mean?

laughterislife 2

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 12:28

You deserved it

Mattlozano12 15

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Tuesday 2 December 2014 20:43

Yodeling Dog Inspectors.

rlet 1

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:19

" snow globes" seriously????

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:40

nuts, balls, snowglobes, pairs, sacks, two giant lumps of soft tissue, what?

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Tuesday 9 October 2012 1:05

...nads, testes, juevos...

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Saturday 10 November 2012 14:07

Dude is from Ireland, might be common there.

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:19

props to OP for coming up with an original way to reference your unit. I was getting sick of all these idiots saying hap sac

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:20

Wouldn't it be cool if balls were really snow globes? Just saying...at least they'd be cool to look at instead of repulsive.

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:28

Wait... How often do you look at dudes' sacks? I highly doubt accidentally seeing your friend's package once in gym doesn't immediately provoke that thought. P.S. If you posted high as a motherfucker, then disregard this one, it's all good.

kaleid0scopeEyes 0

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:41

that's how my favorite porno starts out

growingupnextmon 3

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Sunday 6 December 2009 2:18

#23 epic win haha

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:24

HAHAHA!!! Oh my god, 'snow globes'. That was actually pretty fucking funny, to be honest. Anyways, YDI for calling your mother-in-law a slag where you're wife can hear it.

Jared900DUmpling 30

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Sunday 20 April 2014 23:52

*your

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Friday 4 December 2009 23:25

Well, I guess you just don't have the "snow globes" to actually use the word testicles. Or balls. Either is okay.