Animals: Today, I flipped out when I saw a centipede. I screamed, very...

By thenotsomanlyman - 07/03/2011 16:17 - United States

Today, I flipped out when I saw a centipede. I screamed, very loudly and in a very high voice. My girlfriend came into the room, stomped on it, picked it up and threw it in the trashcan. I apologized to her for the scene and all she said was, "I'm used to it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 662

You deserved it 41 578

Animals

Taking stock

Commando

Transference

By Sky - 25/07/2018 01:30

Today, since my parents always told me that I was welcome to come home whenever I want or need, I decided to stop by. They'd changed the locks and wouldn't let me in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 421

You deserved it 308

By Anonymous - 04/11/2015 18:26 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was suffering from acid reflux. I was told that drinking water laced with baking soda would help. Nope, all it did was create a huge belch that made me vomit all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 444

You deserved it 3 640

Smells like victory

By B-rent - 18/03/2011 16:10 - United States

Today, I discovered that the lovely, hunger-inducing smell that's been lingering around the office lately is from the local animal crematory. I've been wistfully inhaling the stench of burning cats, dogs, and other various animals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 980

You deserved it 7 054

By Shame - 19/09/2012 20:22 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend had a bitch fit at me because I laughed at her idea of getting the Cullen family tree tattooed on her back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 041

You deserved it 3 592

Fire…?

By Ashley - 14/10/2019 22:00

Today, two out of our three smoke detectors were going off. My grandpa won't call the fire department because he thinks our house will be condemned. The alarms are still going off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 449

You deserved it 148

By devourer, apparently - 14/08/2018 22:18

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me that I had grown on him. I thought it was cute, until he added, "like a flesh eating bacteria". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 370

You deserved it 250

Blankity Blank

By Anonymous - 17/01/2013 17:15 - United States - Savage

Today, I finally got to conduct my first questioning of a suspect, who had been arrested in connection with a car theft. As I recited the Miranda warning to him, my mind went totally blank, and after a few seconds, he sarcastically continued the speech for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 475

You deserved it 16 274

By beachbumb8538 - 15/07/2011 17:01 - United States

Today, I had to do a "damage report" on myself after going to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter. As I was waiting for the previews, a 20 year old man dressed as a house elf tackled and wrestled me for my seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 665

You deserved it 5 226

By Anonymous - 23/02/2013 06:28 - United States - Calhan

Today, my brother accidentally hit me in the throat. After I stopped coughing, choking, and feeling like I was going to die, he came back into my room, quietly said "I know your weakness," and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 494

You deserved it 3 429

By ididlookgood - 13/04/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I went to the gym that I just became a member of, making an extra effort to look good because I've heard there are hot guys there. The lady at the front desk said they need to take my picture, then took a second look and said, "Don't worry hun, we'll take it when you're more prepared." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 925

You deserved it 6 023

By Nora - 12/11/2015 21:21 - United States - Fargo

Today, I went to the doctor for the second time, because I've had a cough for about six weeks. In my first appointment, the nurse said it was just allergies and condescendingly gave me a brochure with a recipe for salt water. Turns out it's pneumonia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 981

You deserved it 1 633

By coffeeburns - 19/07/2009 07:25 - United States

Today, I was at a Starbucks drive-thru and was grabbing a hot coffee when I got rear ended and my car hit the vehicle in front of me which deployed my airbag. Hot coffee can really burn when it hits your face at a high rate of speed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 195

You deserved it 3 930

Easy fix

By failure - 13/10/2010 06:18 - Australia

Today, I rang my girlfriend to make sure she made it home alright. She told me to check my Facebook. Nothing was different so I hit refresh. We were no longer in a relationship. I got dumped via Facebook whilst on the phone to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 335

You deserved it 3 073

By assoutofuandme - 14/02/2013 07:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while riding the train home, I noticed a man who kept looking at me. Annoyed, I told him to be less obvious and to stop staring. He promptly responded, "Bitch, I'm gay, and even I can tell no one would want to look at you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 080

You deserved it 59 259

By Anonymous - 19/07/2012 04:55 - United States - San Diego

Today, I had a few friends over. Wanting to seem cool, I yelled at my girlfriend to get me a beer. She chucked four bottles at my head. All my friends cheered her on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 836

You deserved it 80 760

Public Freakout

By Anonymous - 06/07/2021 15:01 - United Kingdom - Norwich

Today, my partner was driving. We were coming up to a sharp bend up a hill when suddenly a girl and a boy came speeding down the hill on a scooter. My partner stopped well before, but they fell off the kerb. We got out to check they were OK. The girl blamed us and kicked me in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 884

You deserved it 72

By Julian - 22/12/2008 07:45 - France

Today, my girlfriend complained that I don't kiss her often enough. The problem is her breath. It's disgusting. I gently answer: 'Well, you don't kiss me often either!". So now she keeps kissing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 168

You deserved it 44 793

By GrinningCynic - 14/05/2012 17:55 - United States - Englewood

Today, I was told I need two root canals. This is because my previous dentist did such a bad job on one of my teeth that the decay went through and transferred to its neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 369

You deserved it 2 276

By pchemist - 22/02/2009 00:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said I was way too good at sex so I must have lied about not having much experience, and he "wouldn't be with someone who is hiding something." WTF? FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 253

You deserved it 6 957

Demon drink

By Aliiveopen - 24/08/2020 07:02 - United States - Wasilla

Today, my mom got blackout drunk and tried to fight me, my stepdad, and my brother, resulting in my stepdad leaving, my brother getting 2 holes from a metal shelf my mom tried to joust him with, and I got bit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 473

You deserved it 83

By nick - 22/03/2009 00:06 - United States

Today, I was on a cruise and fell asleep next to the pool. I had an intense dream that I had fallen off into the ocean. I rolled off my sun chair into the water and woke up screaming uncontrollably, I thought I was in the ocean. I was in the kiddy pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 190

You deserved it 13 256

Hand sanitizer

By sexlube - 01/01/2020 20:00 - United States - Kirkland

Today, my kid told my wife he's been using the hand sanitizer under our bathroom sink. It's not hand sanitizer, it's a giant bottle of lube.

I agree, your life sucks 1 515

You deserved it 889

By gir - 14/07/2011 19:35 - United States

Today, as a joke, I hid under my parents' bed, hoping to scare them when they came home. When they finally arrived, they burst through their bedroom door, tearing each other's clothes off. I had to keep my breath in time with my mom's panting and moaning as my dad brutally dominated her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 549

You deserved it 97 188

By yawning - 01/02/2011 20:14 - Australia

Today, I woke up at 3am to go to work. This will be my new routine from now on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 874

You deserved it 9 850

By Anonymous - 22/07/2017 05:29 - United States - Irving

Today, my dad unlocked the bathroom door and barged in without warning only to catch me, with no clothes on, masturbating. He said, "sorry" but stayed for another 20 seconds to look for his shampoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 045

You deserved it 1 239

By Anonymous - 17/01/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is a Mormon, when his mother greeted me saying how happy she was her son had found himself a Mormon girlfriend. I know nothing about Mormonism, except from what I've seen on South Park, and I'm an atheist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 060

You deserved it 6 431

By fmlforreal - 15/10/2010 08:33 - Singapore

Today, I found my brother tampering with my laptop. He had changed the entire settings, in ways I don't even know how to fix. I finally had to get my mom to threaten him to change it back to its original setting. I'm 15. He's six and can barely get dressed by himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 108

You deserved it 9 588

By so unsexy - 04/08/2016 21:32 - United States - Seattle

Today, I thought I'd spice things up by kissing my husband on the lips and then working my way down. But about halfway, I got some of his chest hairs lodged in my throat and started gagging. To avoid ruining the mood, I kept going, silently gagging, until we finished. I swallowed the hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 810

You deserved it 5 283

By Jaggu - 29/04/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, I ran into an old friend from college on the bus to work. Having not seen each other in over 10 years, we spent a good 15 minutes talking about our lives after college. At the end, he asked me what my name was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 286

You deserved it 5 088

By Anonymous - 09/05/2016 20:44 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I've been using a clay pad to warm up my stiff neck muscles. I put it in the microwave as instructed on the box, just as I've been doing for weeks. This time, the bag exploded, splattering sticky clay. Now my neck is even more sore from reaching inside to clean the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 969

You deserved it 981

By Me - 27/10/2011 06:40 - United States

Today, I got a boner at the dentist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 887

You deserved it 8 830

By flattire - 30/03/2009 01:14 - Canada

Today, two really hot guys pulled up in a car next to mine. They were waving at me and pointing down, I figured they were being pigs so I flipped them off. Turns out they were trying to warn me of the flat tire I had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 407

You deserved it 84 061

By My Daughter Fails at Life - 26/09/2015 01:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my shut in of a daughter why she was sniffing black pepper. She said she was practicing to make her sneezes sound like coughs, thereby decreasing the likelihood of someone talking to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 788

You deserved it 2 565

Buyer's market

By gasbrain - 05/09/2020 20:06

Today, after being unemployed for a couple of months, I got a call back from a security job I did for a week. But with a new condition: besides the security work, one day in the week they want me to cut grass, paint and clean up the grounds for the same minimum wage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 213

You deserved it 172

By NoScrubs - 31/10/2014 05:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I came to the conclusion I have three kids instead of two, after having to force my husband to take a shower. It's been a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 392

You deserved it 3 489

By hornyloser - 02/05/2011 18:46 - United States

Today, I had some hot phone sex with my long-distance girlfriend. Half-way through, my mom stormed in, and told me I was disgusting and sick for doing it in the same room as my brother. I forgot about the baby monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 853

You deserved it 70 131

Compassionate man

By bnaz - 30/10/2020 17:01

Today, my father told me I'm a lazy, pathetic waste. I work and have a one-year-old. Apparently, if you're trying to catch up on sleep, you're lazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 030

You deserved it 72

Public freakout

By erineilis - 16/08/2011 14:22 - United States

Today, while driving into work, a guy cut me off and I yelled some nasty things out of my window at him. He heard me, followed me to work, took a baseball bat out and then chased me into the office. He also smashed my windshield on his way out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 525

You deserved it 17 017

I don't want to do this anymore…

By Anonymous - 12/05/2021 08:01 - Italy

Today, I was in charge of my team at work but I asked for a demotion, because I was so stressed that I started having nightmares. I feel like everyone freaked out after quarantine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 673

You deserved it 106

By Kevin - 05/02/2009 18:04 - United States

Today, I spent almost my entire English class turned on thinking that the hot girl next to me was playing footsie with me. That is until she stood up and I realized I had been rubbing my foot on her backpack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 136

You deserved it 46 621

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