Today, I figured out it's the first time my roommate has done... - FML

By kkbb - 14/3/2010 06:05 - United States

Today, I figured out it's the first time my roommate has done the dishes after living together an entire year, but I got to clean up the bubble waterfall that came pouring out of the dishwasher because she couldn't figure out where the detergent was supposed to go. FML

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Serious times

Time for the ER

Great speech, thanks!

By nocakeforyou! - 15/3/2011 13:11

Today, I came home to my drunk husband, to find that he raided our fridge and freezer to soothe his beer munchies. That would have been fine, had he not eaten the top tier of our wedding cake I'd been saving to eat on our first wedding anniversary, which is in 4 days. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 08:29

Thanks for all the help

Today, I found the Facebook album my sister took with her kids by the pool and out on boats while back in our hometown. My problem? I'm our dad's carer since his stroke and she had planned the trip as a mission to help me take care of him, but due to her kids being "sick", she only visited briefly. Twice. In 5 weeks. FML

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By GogurtBadass - 18/9/2013 16:55 - United States - Olympia

Today, I accidentally punched myself in the mouth while eating a Go-Gurt. I was eating it because I'd just had my wisdom teeth removed. FML

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By rainyday - 12/2/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. I said that at least I was always there for him when he needed me. He said "When did I need you?" FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2012 16:06 - United States

Today, I had to drive the guy I've been seeing for the past few months to the emergency room. So that he could witness the birth of his newest child. FML

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By feelsterrible - 9/8/2012 19:51 - United States - Duluth

Today, I was at the mall, when a guy started screaming at his buddy for sleeping with his sister. It was pretty hilarious, so when he stormed off, I mockingly yelled, "Pussy!" He then whirled around and beat the absolute hell out of his friend. Now I feel like I'm going to reincarnate as a turd. FML

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By Gg - 23/7/2009 21:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I bust my lip when a car bumped into mine. As I headed home, I was stopped by the police who told me my back light was out. I tried to explain, but it just came out as "fghjiljh" because of my lip. I was arrested on suspicion of drinking and driving. FML

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By Vlad - 24/12/2018 14:00

Today, we found out that the drinks we've had for our Christmas party at work yesterday were expired. For anything between six and eleven months. All of us drank them. FML

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By babybambi - 29/12/2018 02:00

Today, I got food poisoning for the first time after cooking. Yesterday, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. FML

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By J - 7/2/2009 21:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I went looking for a childhood doll - I remembered that my mum kept her in her bedside cabinet. I could see the doll at the back, but there was stuff in the way, so I reached in and took some of it out, only to find I was holding one of my mum's toys... a big black rubber cock. FML

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By breakfast tea - 7/4/2012 19:30 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I was escorted out of the building for getting in a scuffle at my anger management class. FML

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By poppet2010 - 17/1/2010 15:58 - France

Today, my uncle died. It was also my grandpa's 85th birthday. His reaction to the death? "Best birthday gift ever!" FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2020 01:08 - Australia - South Yarra

Cake is everything

Today, at my maternal grandmother’s wake, I decided I deserved a piece of cake as it had been a hard day. I was serving myself a slice when my paternal grandma caught my eye from across the room, making a “fat face” at me. She called out, loudly, “You don’t need it Pudgy.” FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 16:00

Venus in Furs

Today, my boyfriend asked my dad why he gave me the nickname "Bear," which he has called me since I was very little. My dad responded, "Because she has a hairy back." FML

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By legit247 - 10/5/2013 04:44 - United States - Moscow Mills

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I was cleaning dishes in the back. I started to sing to myself. During the chorus I heard the echo of my voice in my ear. My boss had pushed the talk button on my headset so every staff member and everyone in the lobby could hear me over the intercom. FML

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By whyme27 - 9/9/2009 02:41 - Canada

Today, I washed one of my roommates t-shirts. I forgot to remove it before putting it in the dryer, and all the print on the front melted off. It was a gift from his girlfriend. Who has just passed away. FML

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By claustrophobic - 4/5/2016 19:03 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I have been in my "office" for 6 weeks. It is literally a closet. I was reminded of this fact when a janitor walked in without knocking, carrying empty boxes he intended to store. FML

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By sleeplessinrichmond - 15/9/2013 06:02 - United States - Bronx

Today, the guy on the floor above me decided it was time for a tuba jam session. Apparently optimal tuba time is 2am. FML

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By for fuck sake dad - 2/11/2012 23:50 - Ireland - Limerick

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. My dad looked at him and said, "Nice outfit, but it's a little late for Halloween." Before I could intervene, my boyfriend said that joke had been done to death, to which my dad retorted, "Yeah, so has your mum." Instant fistfight. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2010 04:18 - United States

Today, while working as a hotel guard I found a homeless man lying in the grass. I asked him to move and he ignored me, continuing to lie there with his head resting on his arms and a big smile on his face. I got annoyed and started to yell at him. After a few minutes I realized he was dead. FML

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By Hungrey - 29/5/2012 01:38 - United States

Today, I admitted to my parents that I have an eating disorder. Instead of trying to help, my mom stared at me and said, "Duh". FML

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By Stacy - 21/3/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, I went into my older brother's room to get a condom. This happened the other day too when my boyfriend forgot one. So I went in there today and there was a note that said "Little Sister, stop using my condoms. And your boyfriend sounds like a girl when he climaxes." FML

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By Ted - 6/6/2019 18:00

Today, I finally felt comfortable enough to fart in front of my boyfriend for the first time. He went quiet, got up and left in his car. I haven't heard from him in 4 hours. FML

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By adieuvelib - 15/10/2011 01:53 - France

Today, I was struggling to cycle up a steep hill. A guy heading past me on a scooter said I'd lost something. I stopped and looked back. Seeing nothing, I asked him what I lost. He replied, "Your momentum!" FML

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By iliku - 1/6/2019 02:00

Today, I was having a romantic evening with my new boyfriend, until we walked into my bedroom and discovered that my cat had ripped apart my pads and had spread them all over the place. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, my water wouldn't go down my shower drain. Confused, I stuck a metal stick expecting hair, but instead stabbed and pulled up a rat that was dead in my drain. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2013 19:25 - United States - Colonial Beach

Today, I was in a restroom, reading this site, when another gentleman walked in. He washed his hands, dried them, nodded at me, then left. It wouldn't ordinarily be so weird, except I was in a one-person restroom. FML

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By soon to be divorced - 24/10/2013 20:06 - United States

Today, I had to call a plumber out to clear a blockage in our bathroom drainpipe. After coming back from work later in the day, and after a tearful confession from my wife, I found out that pipe wasn't the only one he snaked. FML

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By Christina - 29/6/2012 05:31 - United States - Aurora

Today, my mother decided to share with me that my father is impotent, and they hadn't had sex in a year and a half. Thanks, Mom. I can never unhear that. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2009 21:20 - Canada

Today, a moth was flying around my house. Annoyed, I picked up a shoe to crush it with. The moth landed on a light fixture on the ceiling, so I made my move. Dead, the moth slipped gracefully through air and onto my head. So did the light fixture. FML

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By Leauge - 28/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Owensboro

Very smart

Today, I woke up to find out my house was robbed. He didn't steal anything of value, but he stole my beer, dog, and cat. FML

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By Losamus - 15/8/2018 23:30

Nice first impression.

Today, I didn't know I had a pill stuck in my throat until I coughed and it flew across the table, narrowly missing the weird guy sitting across from me in the break room. Turns out that weird guy is my new supervisor. FML

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By monogamous - 28/10/2010 09:26 - Australia

Today, I met my husband's other wife. FML

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By -_- - 13/8/2011 00:05 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend for the first time. I went down on him, only for him to burst into tears halfway through. Apparently, I do it just like his long-lost teen sweetheart did. I swear I could feel him go completely limp in my mouth. FML

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By lame - 31/12/2010 05:02 - Canada

Today, I ate a chocolate bar before getting my morning coffee. While waiting for it, a good looking guy starts talking to me, then suddenly loses interest. Afterwards, I see the chocolate on my face in my car mirror. FML

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By pyrosythan - 20/7/2009 05:40 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's dad chased me with a baseball bat because he found a pair of my boxers in her room. They were not there because I left them there, they were there because she stole them. FML

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By kids next door - 18/11/2013 10:14 - United States - Mount Holly

Today, some kids used firecrackers to blow up my mailbox. This is the third time this week. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, my once-alcoholic mom told me that she would sell me for a shot of vodka. FML

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By Jamie - 4/4/2009 14:42 - United States

Today, I was at working at Burger King as a cashier. A girl I met last night came in and said, "Aren't you that guy from last night?" Last night, I had told her I was going to medical school and was going to be a doctor in less than a year. FML

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By RetailRage - 10/8/2015 12:23 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job working retail, I had just finished cleaning and straightening a whole aisle. This kid watched me do the whole thing. When I was done, he stuck his arm out, and ran it down the whole shelf, knocking everything off it. His mother just grabbed his hand and walked away. FML

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Top comments

By XR6Falcon | 0

#945596 - Sunday 14 March 2010 12:12

Lol, took you a year to realise your room mate doesn't do the dishes.....

By dudeitsdanny | 9

#945610 - Sunday 14 March 2010 12:15

Teach her. Problem solved.

YDI for not making her clean it.

COMMENTS

By dingdong666 | 0

#945586 - Sunday 14 March 2010 12:09

ha

Reply

sleekRelease | 0

#945648 - Sunday 14 March 2010 12:30

ha

Apparently trying to post two comments in a minute is "flooding" the site.

Reply

glen12 | 0

#945717 - Sunday 14 March 2010 12:58

what a girl not knowing how to use the dishwasher?!?!?!?! just joking guys

Reply

khung835 | 6

#946399 - Sunday 14 March 2010 17:06

is she cute?
or is she blonde?

Reply

adriana012 | 0

#947773 - Monday 15 March 2010 1:04

Smart roomie you got there, OP.

Reply

bubbarific | 0

#951667 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 1:21

ydi for usin a dishwasher, now go wash it by hand woman!

Reply

Paper_cut | 0

#1028990 - Sunday 13 June 2010 3:38

just wash the dishes by hand, it's much easier than the dishwasher.

By beyond_infinity | 0

#945590 - Sunday 14 March 2010 12:09

Well there's always a FIRST for everyone.

Reply

dingdong666 | 0

#945594 - Sunday 14 March 2010 12:11

ha

Reply

UberFail79 | 0

#946577 - Sunday 14 March 2010 18:13

Excellent imagery, OP. You get a cookie for commendable writing skills.

Reply

marleytooyou | 0

#947075 - Sunday 14 March 2010 20:26

whats wrong with being a blonde???

Reply

DonkeyDelight | 0

#947762 - Monday 15 March 2010 0:59

I hate the blonde stereotype.

Reply

bobby3130 | 0

#948535 - Monday 15 March 2010 4:47

that sounds fun as hell nothing like an fml just plain fun

By happyhak | 5

#945591 - Sunday 14 March 2010 12:10

Guess whos doing the dishes next time?

By XR6Falcon | 0

#945596 - Sunday 14 March 2010 12:12

Lol, took you a year to realise your room mate doesn't do the dishes.....

By plainDainty | 0

#945597 - Sunday 14 March 2010 12:12

funny.
but at least she tried, right?

By happypapp12 | 0

#945605 - Sunday 14 March 2010 12:14

Can't blame her for trying now? Can you?

By dudeitsdanny | 9

#945610 - Sunday 14 March 2010 12:15

Teach her. Problem solved.

YDI for not making her clean it.

Reply

plainDainty | 0

#945619 - Sunday 14 March 2010 12:20

^this

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#945755 - Sunday 14 March 2010 13:21

danny nailed it. She might've even done it purposely just so she can use the "you remember what happened last time i tried" excuse.

How lazy can you get though? Put them in, push a button or two, take them out. What is the problem.

Reply

katmandont | 0

#947535 - Sunday 14 March 2010 23:35

@24 She may have used regular dish detergent instead of automatic dishwasher detergent.
That's loads of fun.

By happypapp12 | 0

#945628 - Sunday 14 March 2010 12:22

Rub her nose in it

Reply

dudeitsdanny | 9

#945643 - Sunday 14 March 2010 12:27

Then spank her, and tell her she was a naughty bitch.

Reply

xSPiDERPiGx | 0

#945716 - Sunday 14 March 2010 12:57

while grinding her lady bits with an egg beater...

Reply

Peroxide | 3

#945719 - Sunday 14 March 2010 12:59

Then put her in the boot of your car and do some laps around the old dirt track YEEEEHAAAAAAWWWWWW

Reply

thor89 | 0

#946269 - Sunday 14 March 2010 16:30

And then spank her ass and call her Charlie

Reply

knockasauras | 0

#947641 - Monday 15 March 2010 0:21

41 wins with his Anchorman quote!

Reply

ClouDn9n | 0

#948756 - Monday 15 March 2010 5:59

I love lamp?

By hiscupcake | 0

#945682 - Sunday 14 March 2010 12:44

Who doesnt know how ro use a dishwasher??? dumb bitch!! that must suck for u op.

Reply

taycandy96 | 2

#946232 - Sunday 14 March 2010 16:23

I don't. I wash my dishes the old fashion way.

Reply

karina_said | 0

#948493 - Monday 15 March 2010 4:36

some people dont know how to because they had someone else doing it for them their whole lifes... like a maid... just sayn. after my maid left, i had learn how to clean up after myself)= now i feel like a big girl (: mhm

By XR6Falcon | 0

#945687 - Sunday 14 March 2010 12:46

now that you have cleaned up, you can make me a sandwich!

Reply

ChrisCTL | 0

#945712 - Sunday 14 March 2010 12:57

perfect time for that comment, and then she can get her roommate to do the dishes again.