Today, I decided to try Karate. In an attempt to roundhouse-kick...

By blahblah - United States - Richardson

Today, I decided to try Karate. In an attempt to roundhouse-kick a hanging boxing glove, I knocked over a lamp, lost my balance and pulled down my curtains. My neighbor then looked through the window, started laughing and yelled, "KUNG FO POWA!" FML

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Miscellaneous

Bad news

Vicious and unprovoked

Some winners…

By Anonymous - United States - Homer Glen

Today, my brother asked me how to block someone on Facebook. Seeing as how my brother never asks me for anything, I took this opportunity to help him. He then blocked me. FML

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By no luck - United States

Today, I found out less than 3 weeks before my wedding my fiancé will lose his new, great paying job unless we cancel our nonrefundable honeymoon. FML

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By midnightblade163 - Australia - Caringbah

Today, at work a customer yelled at me, called me a 'fucking bitch', 'a fat whore', and, told me to lose weight because I wouldn't let her in the grocery store I work at to buy lettuce, after we'd closed. Lettuce for her lizard. FML

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By moudly - United States

Today, my mom finally believed me when I said I smelled mold. I lifted up the couch, and it was covered in mold. So were the bottoms of all our furniture, our beds, and my grandma's vintage chair. We've been living in mold for the past 4 months. FML

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By DabTheFuckOut - United States - Honolulu

Today, I finally said yes to a date with a guy. I was hesistant due to him being quite a bit younger than me. On our date, he dabbed 27 times. Yes, I actually kept count. FML

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By JazzSpazz - United States

Today, I had a horrible breakup with my girlfriend of two years. Depressed, I changed my Facebook status to, "Hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me for all the things I didn't do for you." My ex commented, "Give me an orgasm?" Five of my friends, including my mom, liked this. FML

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By runfattyrun - Australia - Abbotsford

Today, I got a gym membership for Christmas, from 3 different people. I think my family's trying to tell me something. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2020 02:02

What's your damage?

Today, I put my car in the garage last night so it wouldn't get damaged by a huge thunderstorm. Golf clubs fell on it while it was stowed away. FML

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By LindsayK - United States

Today, my step-mother threw a surprise party on my acceptance to college. People kept telling me how delightfully shocked and happy they are for me. "UPenn" was written everywhere, when I really got into Penn State. Everyone thinks I'm going to an Ivy League. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 23:00

Too much of a good thing

Today, my girlfriend complained that our quickies shouldn’t take 45 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Statesboro

Today, I went to the grocery store with my four-year-old. She has some issues with wetting the bed, so I told her that if she wasn't sure if she was dreaming about "going", she should pinch herself to make sure she's awake. In the produce section, she pinched herself, smiled proudly, and peed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Thornbury

Today, the only "Happy birthday!" I got was from the cake I bought for myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2020 20:01 - United States - San Mateo

Compassionate dad, huh?

Today, I was having an emotional breakdown. I'm unhappy a lot and don't know why. It's very confusing. My dad yelled at me, telling me, "You have no right to be sad!" I'm even more confused now. Help. FML

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By everyonesdivorced - Iraq

Today, my husband of five years told me he's leaving me and will be gone when I return from Iraq. When I told him I love him and asked him not to go, he said he won't file divorce papers just yet, but he's moving out-of-state because "we need time apart." I've been gone for most of the year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé suggested we bring his elderly mother with us on our honeymoon. FML

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By righthook - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He was about to make me come so I lifted my arm above my head with pleasure. I accidently punched him in the eye, hard enough that he had to stop for a while because he said he felt dizzy. FML

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By Danielle Heichelbech - 15/11/2020 20:01

Messy

Today my 28-year-old husband got bored while cleaning the car. So he decided to stage a "crumb sacrifice to the vacuum gods" to "ensure a bountiful harvest." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my Spanish exam. One of the questions was to translate "Mark is lazy and antisocial." My name is Mark. Everyone kept giving me weird looks the whole test. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2020 02:00

Notification sound

Today, I farted during a Zoom call in front of our client. I thought mic was muted. My Team Lead had lot of things to say to me. FML

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By poormum - Australia - Carlton North

Today, I was unsuccessful in getting a job at a supermarket. The same supermarket I used to work at. I now have a degree but can't even get a job at a place I used to work. FML

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By Anaconda

Today, I ordered a plain cheeseburger. The cashier was confused, so I explained, "just meat and cheese". When I got my food, my burger didn't have a bun. FML

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By Rella

Today, my boyfriend and I were in the 69 position with me on top and as we changed positions, and I turned to face him, I saw toilet paper on his face that he didn't seem to notice and that I casually had to wipe off his face. FML

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By john - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, the person I've been sharing my most intimate feelings with finally got bored and let me know I've been texting the wrong number for weeks. FML

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By dancer_2014 - United States

Today, I was on my first blind date. We went to a fancy restaurant in the middle in the city. After using the bathroom, I came back to an empty table. He stole my purse and left. FML

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By notautistic - United States - Minneapolis

Today, marks yet again another day that I've been asked if I'm autistic. No, that's just my Korean accent. Apparently I look "too white" to have one. FML

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By Anonymous - Latvia - Riga

Today, my boss asked me if I could work this weekend, doing the work of 2 people, for almost no extra pay. I had a weekend out with my kids planned, so I said I couldn't. My boss called it a shitty excuse, yet gave a free pass to a guy who claimed he had a "phobia of working on weekends". FML

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By hlev24 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when a homeless man asked me for some spare change. I told him I didn't have any. I then tripped. Not only spilling the soda I was drinking all over myself, but also spilling the spare change I had from buying it. FML

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By Mustanggt - 1/11/2020 14:01 - United States - Rochester

The diet plan from hell

Today, I learned that the vomiting and uncontrollable flatulence I've been suffering from is normal with my new diet. FML

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By Damm - United States

Today, I have an auto immune disease which causes my penis to look like a tie-dye t shirt. FML

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By pagvscgrac - United States

Today, I got a hand cramp from popping zits on my face. FML

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By abbielane - United States - Rochester

Today, my daughter tried to sneak out of the house. When I caught her, she freaked out and punched me in the face. She then "snapped out of it" and claimed she was sleepwalking. FML

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By Username

Today, my boyfriend asked me to have phone sex with him. However, it seems he doesn't quite know what it is, so now he wants me to explain it to him. FML

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By cold-n-stinky - United States

Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, "It's cold tonight." Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, "I know how to warm you up" and we would make love. Tonight, she said "I know how to warm you up" and farted on me. FML

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By anonymus - Canada - Toronto

Today, my grandmother was driving me to the mall. Suddenly, she stopped in the middle of the road. When I asked her what exactly she was doing, she said, "Oh, am I driving?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I wanted to be on top during sex, after always being on the bottom. Afterwards, he said, "You're never riding me like that again." FML

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By SimpleSimon - United Kingdom

Today, I went to work leaving my girlfriend asleep in my bed. Later she calls me demanding to know how long I've been cheating on her. We don't use condoms but she found several in the bin when she decided to empty it. I had to explain while my colleagues listened that I use them to masturbate. FML

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By hunterjumper1212 - United States - San Rafael

Today, I finally told my roommate, who doesn't pay rent, to go get a job. He left, came back, and immediately went to my refrigerator to eat. I asked him about his job and what his pay is. Apparently, putting together a bike for a kid is a job. FML

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By shmelly - United States

Today, as my boyfriend was unbuttoning my pants to go down on me, he looked at me and said in his best robot voice, "caution, contents may be stinky." FML

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By anonymous - United States - Paragould

Today, it was snowing but I had to let my dog out, so I picked him up and carried him outside. I slipped, landed on him and ended up breaking his leg. FML

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By ET - United States - Glendale

Today, I was at a small secret Santa with a group of friends. Everyone got each other some amazing gifts, the first person got a homemade self portrait, the second person got some professional grade playing cards, the third person got an album of past memories, and I got a pack of pens. FML

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Top comments

By TwoXMike | 14

#5554812 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:12

Just remember grasshopper, Wax on, Wax off

By HowAreYouToday | 34

#5554811 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:11

Just karate chop your neighbor.

COMMENTS

By HowAreYouToday | 34

#5554811 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:11

Just karate chop your neighbor.

Nordrag | 26

#5554821 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:15

With OP's current record she might end up knocking down their neighbors whole house.

thatkidhesh | 11

#5554823 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:18

time to switch sports OP

BabyGirlJr1 | 11

#5555220 - Thursday 27 June 2013 17:50

because shes so good at karate

theworldismad | 10

#5555874 - Friday 28 June 2013 4:08

everybody was Kung Fu fighting

tjv3 | 10

#5717808 - Wednesday 16 October 2013 2:20

Crane kick- no can defend

By TwoXMike | 14

#5554812 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:12

Just remember grasshopper, Wax on, Wax off

By TeenieRee_2032 | 27

#5554813 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:12

Life... Ain't that a kick in the... Lamp?

RodzillaX | 30

#5554929 - Thursday 27 June 2013 12:57

B for effort.

MyNameIsViet | 15

#5555064 - Thursday 27 June 2013 15:55

C- for execution.

Codezlol | 21

#5556040 - Friday 28 June 2013 6:42

C flat for delivery

GoodLookingGeese | 10

#5556176 - Friday 28 June 2013 9:30

D for existence

By Sangoma | 8

#5554814 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:12

three in one move, no need to perfect that round house kick , also creepy neighbor

By alycion | 38

#5554815 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:12

And people wonder why a lot of karate courses start out with the boring stuff like stretching.

JACKxRAWR | 22

#5555672 - Friday 28 June 2013 0:58

Sounds to me like OP is more of a DIY Sensei.

By _daniellesays_ | 10

#5554817 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:13

That's when you start creeping on him/her to discover/comment on their in-home embarrassment causing habits. Everybody has them.

stolencookie | 17

#5554854 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:56

I think you just may be predisposed to stalking... Might want to get that checked.

By jw90 | 18

#5554818 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:13

Pick up your jacket!

RodzillaX | 30

#5554932 - Thursday 27 June 2013 12:59

You can't tell me what to do. I never hang my jacket.

By Nordrag | 26

#5554819 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:14

I tried something stupid unprepared and someone made fun of me FML.

Why is there a lamp and curtains and shit in the area you want to "try karate"?

MGITSWFTC | 17

#5555247 - Thursday 27 June 2013 18:18

What I don't understand is how OP decided that it would be a good idea to completely forego a formal education in Karate and just try to kick some shit in their house

tygerarmy | 35

#5555371 - Thursday 27 June 2013 19:37

Unless the OP started taking Karate in a school and then tried to continue practicing at home she has not tried Karate. Just flinging your leg around and calling it a roundhouse kick does not make it one.

By TiroC | 25

#5554820 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:15

Just do the crane on him or the pinky finger!

OneGirlTwoCups | 13

#5555021 - Thursday 27 June 2013 14:50

And that helps..... How?

By EvilUndead | 9

#5554825 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:19

1. Simple moves are more efficient.
2. If you don't have trainer or books, that's not "karate". That's "making fool of yourself".