Miscellaneous: Today, I decided to try Karate. In an attempt to roundhouse-kick...

By blahblah - United States - Richardson

Today, I decided to try Karate. In an attempt to roundhouse-kick a hanging boxing glove, I knocked over a lamp, lost my balance and pulled down my curtains. My neighbor then looked through the window, started laughing and yelled, "KUNG FO POWA!" FML

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Miscellaneous

Late term

BO Central

Sticky situation

By StillLoveMyDogs - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to reach for a long piece of lint next to my dryer. It was a snake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

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By indianaxx - France

Today, my dad came out of a hotel bathroom with nothing but a wash-cloth over his crotch and said "look! this place has cotton loin clothes" in front of my wedding party. FML

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By unknown

Today, I dissected a baby pig. All I could think about was Wilber from Charlotte's Web. FML

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By littl3storm - 1/6/2020 17:00

Sick burn

Today, while sitting an at home university exam, I started getting period cramps. I decided to use a heat patch to help. I left it on for the allotted time, but when I took it off, it peeled my skin off and burnt the surrounding skin. I'm now burnt AND still experiencing cramps. FML

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By DM - United States - Fayville

Today, I walked into what I thought would be a surprise birthday party. It wasn't. It was my parents staging an intervention over my cat obsession. FML

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By LaLa - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend, and we started to get a little kinky. He laid me down roughly on the bed, but I started to slide off, so I pulled myself up. In doing so, I managed to knee him in the nut-sack, causing him to puke. FML

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By failingyetagain - United Kingdom - Barrow Upon Soar

Today, I was doing my first shift waitressing in a café. Not an hour in, I'd already spilt tea over somebody and dropped two whole meals. Looks like this won't last much longer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, it's my fifth wedding anniversary. My wife bailed on the romantic dinner that I arranged in favor of running off with her friends. Their big event: an amateur Fight Club event they'd decided to stage in an abandoned parking lot. FML

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By Erin - United States - Springfield

Today, I fell in the shower, landing ass-crack first onto a can of shaving cream, which split my butt straight down the crack. FML

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By Lolrus - Qatar

Today, I was jogging through my neighborhood and then I notice this cute guy running beside me, we stoped and flirted for a while and my mom drove past. She then rolled down the window and said "Honey, you owe me for the dry cleaning on your period pants." FML

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By Robert Herrin

Kinky Crab

Today, I fell asleep with my hermit crab on my bed and woke up to him pinching my nipple. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to my Calculus lecture, one of a class of 200 people. As I looked down I noticed that a guy a few rows in front of me was on Facebook. When I took a closer look, I noticed he was viewing my profile. He stalked the profile for a full 45 minutes. I have never met this guy in my life. FML

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By lily

Today, I was about to kiss my boyfriend in a courtyard when a soccer ball hit me in the head, hard. My boyfriend remarked that it made a "hollow sound" when it hit me. FML

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By peteswentzbass - Netherlands - Nuenen

Today, my roommate and I noticed a foul smell in our apartment. After looking around for a little while, I found that her cat had pooped on a pair of my jeans, and apparently tried to cover it up by dragging a shirt over the mess. FML

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By Lisa - United States - Sedalia

Today, I developed a roll of film I'd had sitting around for years. It was all images my ex had taken of him scrubbing his ass and toilet with my electric toothbrush, which I'd used for at least a month after our breakup. FML

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By Kate - United States

Today, my husband decided he will be a 'stay at home' dad. We have two cats. No kids. FML

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By hapless - United Kingdom

Today, I was late for work and took a taxi. The driver told me he tried to commit suicide recently. I listened to him for 20 minutes, sat outside my workplace with the meter off. He charged me £5.80 and my boss gave me a warning for being late. FML

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By hatetodisappoint - United States

Today, I called my very overprotective father, and he took the time to tell me how proud he was of me for finally finding a good and respectable boyfriend. And that he was sorry he misjudged. I was calling for bail money to get my "good, respectable" boyfriend out of jail. FML

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By Person - United States

Today, my mother found condoms in my room. She asked why and I said, "Just in case." She started laughing hysterically. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked what I was doing. I replied, "What I'm always doing." She couldn't think of anything besides eating. FML

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By Mycardoesn'tevenwork - United States

Today, I was in a car accident on the way to work. I called my boss and told him I had to deal with the police and the accident report and didn't know how long it would take. He got mad and said I "should have picked a better time to do this". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a meeting at work. In the middle of our CEO's speech, I farted. Everyone heard including my boss, who looked over and said, "Do you have anything else you wanted to add?" FML

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By belladonna - United States

Today, I took the subway. The man sitting across from me would not stop staring at my breasts, so when the train came to my stop, I said, "Nothing to see now, asshole." Then I noticed his white walking stick as he got up to get off. He was blind. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2021 14:01 - Luxembourg - Luxembourg

Desperate

Today, I tried to find a job. Again. It's been seven years since I earned more than 70€ in a month, seven years since I moved back in with my parents, and seven years since I was registered as having a medical disability. Nobody wants me, not even as a shelf stacker. FML

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By WhatTheFuck - United States - Bridgeview

Today, I had to listen to my grandma talk about how she's "allergic" to toilet paper, and how she lets nature "take care of it". FML

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By bibou2324

Today, during my first day as a doctor’s intern, I attended a consultation. The embarrassed patient asked me to leave. Not really knowing my way around, I went through the first door I could find. By the time I realized it was a closet, I didn’t dare come back out. Twenty minutes is a long time to wait. FML

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By longing for emancipation - United States - Mitchell

Today, my mom claimed that lactose intolerance is a "myth" and told me to drink my damn milk because it's good for my bones. FML

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By t2t2sync - United States

Today, while leaving work, I noticed a woman struggling with her wheelchair. Trying to be kind, I grabbed the handles and began to push her. A few moments later, the front wheels caught on something and I ended up dumping her onto the ground. Now my coworkers all think I'm a huge douche. FML

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By metallicatime - United States

Today, a stoplight dropped square into the bed of my pickup truck. The police think I was attempting to steal it, and my insurance won't cover the damage to my truck. There were no witnesses. FML

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By ameremanapparently - United States - Carlisle

Today, someone told my girlfriend that I cheated on her. I've never cheated in my life. Instead of talking to me about it, she made a big post on Facebook about what a dick I am. Pretty much all the comments went along the lines of "What a bastard." and "Ugh, men are pigs." FML

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By You Wish - United States

Today, I was sitting on my 70 year old grandmothers bed with my older brother. I decided to snoop through the cabinet at the back of her bed, and I pulled out what I naively thought was a strange looking flashlight. When I twisted the bottom of it to see what would happen it started vibrating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was so excited to play the video game I just bought, I decided to read the manual in the game. I went over the seizure warning and thought to myself, who the hell gets a seizure from playing a video game? Apparently I do. FML

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By Man Shamed - United States - Hyattsville

Today, while using the bathroom in a small coffee shop, I somehow passed out sitting on the toilet. There is nothing more jarring than waking up to the vicious banging of 7 angry, urine-filled patrons attempting to break down a door. FML

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By _aPerson_ - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I lost the key to my bike lock. I ended up having to cut it off, even though it was brand new. After spending 30 minutes hacking away at it, it finally came off. When I hopped onto my bike, I felt something poking my leg. My key was in my pocket the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I figured out why my name is Ashley. In order to tell my older sister about getting a new little sister, my parents thought it would be a good idea to make her imaginary friend "Ashley" real. FML

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By birthdayfail

Today, it's my birthday. At my workplace, we always get a cake for whoever's birthday it is. They somehow forgot about me. I've been working there for a year, and my grandparents and my dad own the restaurant I work at. FML

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By andi0804 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. The only call I received was from my stalker, who sang happy birthday with a japanese accent and asked if he could be my "special present". FML

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By druglord - 28/6/2020 14:10

Humorless parents are the worst

Today, I asked my parents if I could have their old Polaroid camera so I could take artsy pictures, but they got all defensive, because, "Polaroid pictures can’t be traced." So I jokingly said I was using it to take pictures of my drug cartel to have a record of my stocks, and now they think I’m some sort of drug lord. FML

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By temp

Today, after working my ass off for 2 months, receiving perfect reviews, and going out of my way to take on extra work to get a job offer from the location where I temp, I finally got an offer for a permanent position. Included in the offer was a $3.00 an hour pay cut and no insurance. FML

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Top comments

By TwoXMike | 14

#5554812 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:12

Just remember grasshopper, Wax on, Wax off

By HowAreYouToday | 34

#5554811 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:11

Just karate chop your neighbor.

COMMENTS

By HowAreYouToday | 34

#5554811 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:11

Just karate chop your neighbor.

Nordrag | 26

#5554821 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:15

With OP's current record she might end up knocking down their neighbors whole house.

thatkidhesh | 11

#5554823 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:18

time to switch sports OP

BabyGirlJr1 | 11

#5555220 - Thursday 27 June 2013 17:50

because shes so good at karate

theworldismad | 10

#5555874 - Friday 28 June 2013 4:08

everybody was Kung Fu fighting

tjv3 | 10

#5717808 - Wednesday 16 October 2013 2:20

Crane kick- no can defend

By TwoXMike | 14

#5554812 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:12

Just remember grasshopper, Wax on, Wax off

By TeenieRee_2032 | 27

#5554813 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:12

Life... Ain't that a kick in the... Lamp?

RodzillaX | 30

#5554929 - Thursday 27 June 2013 12:57

B for effort.

MyNameIsViet | 15

#5555064 - Thursday 27 June 2013 15:55

C- for execution.

Codezlol | 21

#5556040 - Friday 28 June 2013 6:42

C flat for delivery

GoodLookingGeese | 10

#5556176 - Friday 28 June 2013 9:30

D for existence

By Sangoma | 8

#5554814 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:12

three in one move, no need to perfect that round house kick , also creepy neighbor

By alycion | 38

#5554815 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:12

And people wonder why a lot of karate courses start out with the boring stuff like stretching.

JACKxRAWR | 22

#5555672 - Friday 28 June 2013 0:58

Sounds to me like OP is more of a DIY Sensei.

By _daniellesays_ | 10

#5554817 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:13

That's when you start creeping on him/her to discover/comment on their in-home embarrassment causing habits. Everybody has them.

stolencookie | 17

#5554854 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:56

I think you just may be predisposed to stalking... Might want to get that checked.

By jw90 | 18

#5554818 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:13

Pick up your jacket!

RodzillaX | 30

#5554932 - Thursday 27 June 2013 12:59

You can't tell me what to do. I never hang my jacket.

By Nordrag | 26

#5554819 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:14

I tried something stupid unprepared and someone made fun of me FML.

Why is there a lamp and curtains and shit in the area you want to "try karate"?

MGITSWFTC | 17

#5555247 - Thursday 27 June 2013 18:18

What I don't understand is how OP decided that it would be a good idea to completely forego a formal education in Karate and just try to kick some shit in their house

tygerarmy | 35

#5555371 - Thursday 27 June 2013 19:37

Unless the OP started taking Karate in a school and then tried to continue practicing at home she has not tried Karate. Just flinging your leg around and calling it a roundhouse kick does not make it one.

By TiroC | 25

#5554820 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:15

Just do the crane on him or the pinky finger!

OneGirlTwoCups | 13

#5555021 - Thursday 27 June 2013 14:50

And that helps..... How?

By EvilUndead | 9

#5554825 - Thursday 27 June 2013 11:19

1. Simple moves are more efficient.
2. If you don't have trainer or books, that's not "karate". That's "making fool of yourself".