Love: Today, I tried to repay a friend's kindness by taking her visiting... - FML

By stopfollowingmemeansstopfollowingme - 08/09/2018 04:30 - Australia - Matraville

Today, I tried to repay a friend's kindness by taking her visiting brother out for lunch while she was at work. He must have misread my friendliness, as he ended up following me home. I had to call the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 829

You deserved it 290

Leave us alone

Mother of the year

Close Zoom, quick sharp

Bachelor party

By Anonymous - 07/02/2020 18:00

Today, I had to cancel my wedding because my fiancé is so hungover from his bachelor party, he's throwing up all over the place, can't stand up straight and is calling me by the stripper's name he met yesterday night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 108

You deserved it 416

By Anonymous - 18/11/2018 05:00

Today, while buying Red Dead Redemption 2, the cashier spoiled the ending. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 162

You deserved it 311

By hunterjumper1212 - 24/05/2012 07:41 - United States - San Rafael

Today, I finally told my roommate, who doesn't pay rent, to go get a job. He left, came back, and immediately went to my refrigerator to eat. I asked him about his job and what his pay is. Apparently, putting together a bike for a kid is a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 221

You deserved it 2 855

Better safe

By stretchy - 06/05/2013 19:58 - United States - Bethesda

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend forced me to do stretching exercises with him before and after sex as a "safety precaution". FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 524

You deserved it 9 305

By Anonymous - 24/06/2009 05:41 - Canada

Today, I was working Customer Service at Wal Mart. An elderly lady came to my register to return a pair of white pants. I asked her what was wrong with them and she replied "even when I had underwear on you could still see my pubic hair." The pants had hair on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 363

You deserved it 3 258

By Mug - 24/04/2012 20:15 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss made me work a longer shift than usual. Not because he needed me in, but just so I'd finish at the same time as his brat of a son, and give him a lift home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 641

You deserved it 2 134

By poorcar - 05/10/2009 07:38 - United States

Today, my parents asked if they could borrow my car. Why? Because they were going to see someone about a Craig's List ad and wanted to look poor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 147

You deserved it 3 637

By Clueless - 24/05/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, a waiter came up and and put out his hand so I gave him a high five and pounded it. He then says, "Um, that was a nice high five but I wanted your plate." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 395

You deserved it 60 167

By Anonymous - 29/04/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, as I was picking up my 7 year old daughter at my ex husband's house my daughter started crying saying that she wanted to stay with daddy forever. I asked why. She said her stepmom was a better mommy. Apparently the woman who broke up my marriage is now a better "mommy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 103 004

You deserved it 9 127

By sigh - 07/11/2015 05:39 - Australia - Rockdale

Spicy

Today, my husband is sulking because he "can't" have sex with me. I've tried initiating things multiple times, but he keeps saying no, because I'm pregnant and he says it'd be exactly the same as having sex with his own kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 678

You deserved it 3 219

By alison - 04/07/2015 05:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. All the magic vanished when I kept queefing every time he thrust into me. We made it about 10 seconds before he broke down into hysterical laughter and lost his boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 783

You deserved it 4 895

By 12MONTHLEASE - 22/04/2016 00:30 - United States

Spicy

Today, my new upstairs neighbors moved in. Within ten minutes of getting in the door they were screaming and arguing about everything, practically handing out death threats to each other. I then heard them having even louder makeup sex for about three hours afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 578

You deserved it 1 740

By whattalife - 02/09/2011 22:53 - United States

Today, out of sheer boredom, I took a career personality test. The "best match" for me was the position of funeral director. Not only do I have a promising future with death, I got genuinely excited at how accurate the result was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 352

You deserved it 5 040

By Ashley Youngman - 16/06/2019 20:04

Today, I spent five minutes shaking a bowl of Jello because it looked cool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 014

You deserved it 1 142

By Anonymous - 18/03/2018 15:00

Today, as I was perusing old photos with my mother, I found one of her with a "childhood friend" at her wedding to my dad. Now I know where my green eyes and blotchy neck birthmark came from, and it's not from the man I’ve been calling "dad" for 40 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 764

You deserved it 256

By Anonymous - 28/12/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I got a call from a girl I fell madly in love with 8 years ago. She disappeared from my life with no trace. Turns out she just finalized her divorce, has 2 wild kids, packed on 75 lbs, has $25,000 in debt and is taking meds to keep from going crazy. Now she wants me back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 149

You deserved it 3 577

By Anonymous - 20/08/2010 18:40 - United States

Today, while at work, I started to feel sick to my stomach, hot, and dizzy. My co-worker told me to go home. On the way through the locker room to get my stuff, I experienced a dizzy spell so severe, I blacked out and pooped myself. No one in the building is going to let me forget this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 786

You deserved it 3 141

By tenniemo - 10/08/2019 14:00

Today, I caught one of my students checking out my butt while I was helping another student at his table. I teach 8th grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 406

You deserved it 380

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

By ThanksAsshole - 28/03/2020 20:00

Today, I got fired from a business I ran for almost 6 years. Why? The new owner refuses to close, despite our governor ordering non-essential businesses to close, and for people to stay home. I told her I wasn’t comfortable working, and that it was technically illegal. So she fired me in a group chat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 206

You deserved it 154

By bubbles - 05/09/2009 23:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I worked my first day at a nursery. At nap time I spent about an hour trying to get all the kids to calm down and go to sleep. I'd finally got the last one to drop off, when my phone rang. Loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 654

You deserved it 40 976

By ToiletTroubles - 03/07/2013 16:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I was taking some clothes downstairs to wash, when my mum stopped me. She accused me of sleeping around and trying to hide something, since she did the washing yesterday. She made me admit in front of the whole family that I'd been "surprised" by a case of diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 015

You deserved it 3 110

By Anonymous - 28/06/2014 20:40 - United States - Oakland

Today, my soon to be mother-in-law sent out the invitations she made for my wedding. On them, it says "You are invited to this 'special' event". In the same way, I'm referred to as "special", and my name is misspelled. Hint taken, you bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 053

You deserved it 4 595

By Anonymous - 19/06/2017 02:00

Today, I woke up, got dressed, drove for an hour, just to find out that I was fired. This is the closest job near me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 481

You deserved it 378

What more do you want?

By Anonymous - 24/08/2018 14:30

Today, I was told I don't qualify for disability benefits because I'm too young. I get this answer each time I apply, no matter how many lawyers and doctors I get. My mobility is so bad I've become wheelchair-bound and need assistance to bathe. How much worse do they want me to get? FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 719

You deserved it 168

By h - 20/12/2018 00:00

Today, while at a restaurant, my three year old daughter pointed at an African-American girl and yelled out “She’s ugly because she’s black!” Me and my wife got dirty looks for the entire rest of our meal. We have no idea where she learned that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 801

You deserved it 560

By Anonymous - 04/08/2013 16:45 - Barbados - Bridgetown

Today, my husband and I arrived in Barbados on vacation. We visited a club, and they had a selection of drinks with weird names. My husband ordered one called the Raging Bitch, flicked his finger towards me, and said to the barkeeper, "Might as well get something I'm used to." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 788

You deserved it 11 257

By seriously?? - 04/02/2009 16:06 - United States

Today, I was running to the bus stop to catch the bus. The bus driver smiled, waved, and drove away without letting me get on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 445

You deserved it 2 828

By Anonymous - 14/05/2013 17:03 - United States - Norman

Today, my doorknob broke. While trying to impress my dad and show that I can fix things for girls, I somehow managed to lock myself in my room, with the doorknob on the other side of the door. When my dad finally heard my screams, he let me out. He had to take the whole door off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 121

You deserved it 20 187

By natalieeee - 18/03/2009 03:40 - United States

Today, I was talking to this really nice guy who likes me, and he tells me he's packing. I asked him where he was going, he said Puerto Rico. And I said "LUCKY!" He replied "it's for the funeral". I forgot his grandma had died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 856

You deserved it 61 941

By Anonymous - 14/04/2012 05:41 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, my boss fired me because he wants to start dating my mother and apparently doesn't want it to be "awkward." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 135

You deserved it 1 884

By Anonymous - 11/04/2015 20:55 - Australia - Caroline Springs

Spicy

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl showed interest in me. She sent me a text message saying she wanted to come over and fuck my brains out. This would've made me the happiest guy alive, if only she weren't my extremely drunk sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 182

You deserved it 3 251

By drycleanplz - 21/06/2011 02:33 - Reserved

Today, I wore my expensive new white jacket to work, thinking it would be a nice change from my usual black. I managed to lean in printer ink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 556

You deserved it 12 804

By Anonymous - 15/05/2012 03:52 - United States

Today, I walked in on my dad introducing his stuffed gorilla to his cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 867

You deserved it 2 895

By Anonymous - 26/11/2014 16:42 - United States - Flushing

Today, what few friends I have won't talk to me anymore. My ex told them she dumped me because I abused her. I never abused her. What really happened is that she dumped me in a rage after I refused to give her money for drugs. Nobody's even asked for my side of the story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 434

You deserved it 2 784

Mystery

By DaigCrainielson - 12/10/2020 14:01 - United States - Sun Valley

Today, I found out I had 3/4s of a Cheezit stuck in my sinus. No one knows how it got there, but the doctors found it while testing for COVID. I have an appointment soon to remove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 977

You deserved it 203

By Eternal_Babyface - 08/11/2015 17:14 - United States

Today, I was talking to a friend and bemoaning the fact that my new coworkers keep mixing up my gender. She looked at me critically and said, "Yeah, until you can grow a decent beard, people are going to keep thinking you're an intern or a butch lesbian." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 692

You deserved it 2 294

By Anonymous - 22/03/2012 14:59 - United States - Newark

Today, I found out what a bottle of regurgitated wine looks like on white bedsheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 913

You deserved it 9 756

By nightowl506 - 21/11/2011 07:22 - United States

Today, I received gorgeous orchids from my long distance boyfriend. I was excited about it and told my parents. They still are convinced I have no boyfriend and I mailed the flowers to myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 830

You deserved it 4 005

By Jesus - 27/09/2011 02:03 - Canada

Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it as quickly as possible, I smacked my hand against the wall with force. It was a nail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 223

You deserved it 31 893

By Nikki - 15/10/2009 01:47 - Canada

Today, this guy and I went on a date to the movies. We got up to the desk and I asked for one ticket for 'Jennifer's Body.' The guy moved his way in front of me and said, "make that two tickets." He then walked away to look at movie posters and left me with the $22.50 charge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 159

You deserved it 6 693

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Top comments

_Hakuna_Matata_ 12

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Friday 7 September 2018 21:08

Explain the situation to your friend, I'm sure she'll understand. And good call calling the cops, you can never be too safe these days.

Charlie Given 24

Send a private message

Friday 7 September 2018 22:35

Wow he was like a puppy ya feed it now it thinks it's yours 🙄😵😂

Comments

_Hakuna_Matata_ 12

Send a private message

Friday 7 September 2018 21:08

Explain the situation to your friend, I'm sure she'll understand. And good call calling the cops, you can never be too safe these days.

real life problems 26

Send a private message

Friday 7 September 2018 21:54

I just wanted to ask if you wanted to invite me inside

badrussian79 10

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Friday 7 September 2018 22:15

The correct response was tazer the —— out of him. As he’s lying on the ground with soiled pants he’ll learn. You might want to ask you friend before you do anything of that nature. She might have warned you he’s creeper. My brother while harmless AF is a creeper. Before he well let’s say went a bit Goodyear man child I warned girls he’s harmless but boundaries aren’t a concept for him. In one case he flew to another continent to “surprise” her.

Charlie Given 24

Send a private message

Friday 7 September 2018 22:34

Sounds like your brother has a form of Asperger's

Charlie Given 24

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Friday 7 September 2018 22:35

Wow he was like a puppy ya feed it now it thinks it's yours 🙄😵😂

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 8 September 2018 2:41

I would have misunderstood, too. Your friend is not really benefiting from the repayment, so it looks like a sneaky way to score a date with the brother.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 177

You deserved it 26

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 107

You deserved it 274